help with dh's family.... please

[sweetieberlin]

alright, so I am already dreading the next family get together... Easter... ALREADY!!

The problem isnt so much with ILs, they finally understand boundaries... its dh's aunt...

every single time we've seen her, she takes ds away and wont give him back... he has stranger anxiety, and will imed. reach for me, cry and try to squirm away... she turns him away from me, and says "no, not momma" i literally have to wrestle him away...

the last time she took him and ran up the stairs with him crying, later she took him, and while he was crying and reaching for me and I went to take him back, she actually ran around in circles to keep him from me...

the more I think about this, the angrier I get... I feel it is disrespectful not only to me, but also ds...

the problem is, i dont know enough of the language to say something, and dh is hesitant to say something, bc he doesnt want to upset family...

what can I do??

please help!

[sebandg'smama]

Hold on tight to your child and say a loud "Nein, ihr wilt bei seiner Mama bleiben!"

Ok, my German is lousy, but do you get my point? Learn a phrase http://babelfish.altavista.com/ and keep repeating it. You can smile as you say it, or say it as you go to your bedroom or bathroom. This is your child, you decide when you are ready for others to hold him.

[greeny]

the problem is, i dont know enough of the language to say something, and dh is hesitant to say something, bc he doesnt want to upset family...

I'm pretty sure she'll understand "NO" if you say it loudly enough.

Do not let this occur. Protect your baby. Stand up for yourself and your child. I don't understand how you could let her do this.

And tell your dh to get a backbone and defend his family.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I simply do not understand letting someone tear my screaming baby from my arms and running away from me.

[mommy2abigail]

Yeah, holding on tightly to your ds and saying "NO!" is pretty universal. We have had the same issues, with dh's family. They think it's 'cute' to make her cry. And they told me, with my first, "Just let her (MIL) have her (DD), she (DD) needs to get used to being without you." DD was 7 weeks old at the time. Ummm no. This is YOUR son, and if dh wont stand up for him (and you!) you need to, at the risk of offending his family. I felt so bad in the beginning, because dh refused to stand up to his over bearing mother. But you know? I just got over that and started being more assertive. Not aggressive, but definitely speaking my mind.

[Lisa85]

She may not understand your spoken language, but thank god for body language. Not letting go of your ds and turning your back to her is 'absolutely not' in every language.

Flat out, your dh needs to stand up for you. If it were me, I'd tell dh ahead of time he needs to grow a backbone and stand up for his *immediate* family (you and your ds) or you just won't go. How someone can watch his family do that and not say anything is beyond me.

[sweetieberlin]

normally, I do hold him, and dont let them take him, most of the time he is playing on the floor, and she comes and scoops him and runs.. as if its some sort of funny game.. so when I say she takes him, I dont mean from my arms...

he likes to play on the floor, but now I am stressed every time he is down that this is going to happen..

I DO chase her down and DO get him back... I don't just allow it, when it happens..

[possum]

I have found that wearing my son keeps him with me. Could you put him in a carrier so she can't just grab him?
Melinda

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by sweetieberlin

normally, I do hold him, and dont let them take him, most of the time he is playing on the floor, and she comes and scoops him and runs.. as if its some sort of funny game.. so when I say she takes him, I dont mean from my arms...

he likes to play on the floor, but now I am stressed every time he is down that this is going to happen..

I DO chase her down and DO get him back... I don't just allow it, when it happens..

Your dh needs to put a stop to this, or you and ds don't go. It's that simple. Tell him he needs to explain to Aunt however he chooses that it's not funny and it will not be tolerated. If he can't do this, then you don't go. If he refuses to say anything, take your dc and leave the first time it happens. Aunt will understand that for sure.

[sweetieberlin]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

She may not understand your spoken language, but thank god for body language. Not letting go of your ds and turning your back to her is 'absolutely not' in every language.

Flat out, your dh needs to stand up for you. If it were me, I'd tell dh ahead of time he needs to grow a backbone and stand up for his *immediate* family (you and your ds) or you just won't go. How someone can watch his family do that and not say anything is beyond me.

regarding dh, it has been a disaster from the beginning... His family doesnt like me or respect me.. I tried to stand up to them in the beginning but then they got nasty with me.. dh wouldnt stand up against them.. and they wouldnt listen either.. also they expect me to be the one to say when something is bothering me.. but it is hard, when everytime you do talk you are told, "nonsense"

dh finally stood up to his parents, and we stopped visiting them, now things are getting better, although though sometimes they do forget their boundaries..

my issue with the aunt, is it is extended family.. and I feel since I don't speak the language well, dh should stand up for his family.....

wearing isnt really an option, bc he wants down to play, and walk around and the ils dont see him much to begin with.. I dont want him or them punished.. I just want this woman to keep her hands off...

I know I have some issues standing up for myself and ds, but it comes from a long time of mental abuse from my mother.. I am trying to work on it.. but its very hard...

[sweetieberlin]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

Your dh needs to put a stop to this, or you and ds don't go. It's that simple. Tell him he needs to explain to Aunt however he chooses that it's not funny and it will not be tolerated. If he can't do this, then you don't go. If he refuses to say anything, take your dc and leave the first time it happens. Aunt will understand that for sure.

I think thats really a great idea.. I just hope I can convince dh... he comes from a family where you cant go against or they are all against you... dh went against his sister last year for her treatment to me, and the family "forgot" his birthday... so I think thats why he's a bit scared...

[angie7]

Oh wow! I would probably flat out scream at her! I cant stand when my girls are crying and reaching for me, I have to take them from whoever is holding them. to you mama, that is so difficult to deal with emotionally when your child is screaming for you and some *UA violation* wont give him back. I would just plain tell her "NO" and absolutely not let her have him. And if that means leaving, I would.

And I agree that your dh must do something to stop this. It is his family and he is putting his son and you through trauma when this is happening.

[raelize]

Btdt

i jsut wanted to say that i have BTDT with my in laws. it is also a matter of language with my il's also. they think that i created the situation by not allowing her to be passed around and dropped off when she was little. we used teh old doctor excuse. we told them that the doctor told us to not let her out of our sight and that if seh crys to not let other people take her. we said the doctor siad that it was really bad for her self esteem and for her to learn to be comfortable with other people she needed to go to the other person, not to be just picked up. our dd is pretty shy and we aso said that the doctor said the only way for her to get over it was to let her stay with mommy until she was ready to go to soemone else.
our doctor did say this about the shyness, we just embellished the rest of it, mostly because dh family thinks doctors are the ultimate authority and this way we didn't need to wory about "offending" their "delicate" feeligns. cause it is always about the adults feelings, not the kids, KWIM?
you could even say that your ds has started haveing nightmares about being picked up and being held away from mommy.

[egfmba]

In all honesty I'd probably slap her. But that's just me. I would never want someone torturing my child. And to do it knowingly is even worse. To grab my child and run from me is tantamount to kidnapping. Extreme? Maybe. But my child's stranger issues are only going to get worse when a stranger takes my child and runs. And speaking of, will my child feel as though I can't keep him/her safe from strangers? No. It will not happen.

To avoid physically confronting her, watch your child like a hawk. Yes, this curtails your socializing, and if people ask, be honest. Say, "I can't socialize right now because I have to ensure my child's safety and wellbeing." When she makes a move towards your child, move in first and block her, first with words (No. Do not pick him up. You are not allowed to touch my child.) Then with your body if necessary. Make her understand you're serious. And then, call your husband in with this phrase: "Come in here, be a man and protect your child. I know you can do it. It is the reason I married you." If your husband won't respond to reason and encouragement, there is nothing left but shaming him in front of his family (since he sees fit to shame you in front of them, which is why they continue to disrespect you).

I know this post sounds harsh. It is. I would absolutely not tolerate such behavior from anyone, but especially my ILs. In fact, I have refused my ILs the privilege of holding, visiting, and being with my children on several occasions when I feared the kids would be harmed by it. If your husband can't or won't see the damage done, you have to go to extremes. Your kids are relying on you to protect them. I know you know this; that's why you posted here.

Good luck with the situation, whatever you decide to do, and I wish you the peace of having your ILs move far away and this aunt never visiting you again.

eva

[momof4peppers]

I in no, way, shape, or form mean to offend you with my comments. i really wish tone could be heard online, because I say the following with the utmost care and compassion for you (I'm just afraid it's not coming out that way!)

I'm going to guess that the "game" the aunt is playing is to get YOU upset. She scoops up the baby because she knows that it will upset you, and she wants to see you "in your place" in the family. It's in keeping with the "if you're against us, you're against ALL of us" mentality. She knows your language isn't the best, so you'll have to use body language to get your point across, and then she laughs at you.

Tell me why you want to be with these people? How is it punishing your child to have them disrespect you? Your husband is tolerant and used to this kind of behavior, because it's what he grew up with. So of course he thinks it's normal and is going to have a hard time telling them to stop - HE doesn't see what's wrong with it!

Can you not go to family gatherings until the child is a little older? Cough, cough, you feel a bad cold coming on. (or the baby is "feeling a little warm") Or could you just not react when this aunt picks up the baby and makes him cry? Just sit there not reacting and see if she gives the baby back to you because you're not reacting?

I don't envy your situation. Good luck.

[TinkerBelle]

I would not go, and neither would my children.

Dh could either grow up and be a man, or twist in the wind.

I am also being harsh, sorry, but I don't get how some guys can be such wimps around their families of origin.

[savannah smiles]

Originally Posted by momof4peppers

I'm going to guess that the "game" the aunt is playing is to get YOU upset. She scoops up the baby because she knows that it will upset you, and she wants to see you "in your place" in the family. It's in keeping with the "if you're against us, you're against ALL of us" mentality. She knows your language isn't the best, so you'll have to use body language to get your point across, and then she laughs at you.

I agree with momof4peppers. It sounds like she's making sure that you know how low you (and your feelings) "rank" in the family. I'm sorry that you don't have any allies in his family and I can see where get-togethers are very stressful for you.

[Lisa85]

I know I have some issues standing up for myself and ds, but it comes from a long time of mental abuse from my mother.. I am trying to work on it.. but its very hard...

Oh, yes I totally you understand you here. I went through the same thing, though I would call my situation verbal/emotional abuse not so much mental. But it's the same thing in that froma very young age you're 'taught'* not to have emotion and roll with the punches, even if people walk all over you.

*By taught I mean that's how you learn to deal with it, not that a parent or someone else is actually trying to teach you this.

If you IL's, meaning MIL and FIL really respect your wishes and you and your ds as human beings, they will understand why you can't be around Aunt. Unfortunately if Aunt doesn't curb this behavior, I see no way around it for your IL's - it will be an "us or them" thing. Unfortunate for them, but in the end you have to do what's best for your family.

I have no idea how painful your past with your mother is, so this may not be possible, but for me it helps to imagine my child feeling like I did as a child with all the verbal/emotional abuse when something like that happens to them. Sorta like I feel like I need more of a reason (you definitely dont' in this situation, but I hope you KWIM). Brings the mama bear right out of me everytime.

[WuWei]

The sling! The sling! Yes! The sling!! People are much less apt to grab a child who is in a sling!! I'd sit down and chat with the sling ON~!

This is such a hot button for me!! I could feel my chest tightening as I read your post.

The bottom line is that children can not learn to trust their own feelings of discomfort around people if they are dismissed and invalidated. My concern for your children is the potential loss of that inner knowing when he is subjected to "whoever wants to touch or kiss him". What if the adult *doesn't* mean well? How could he trust his Self?

I totally believe this is a violation of the child when he is clearly dissenting to the touch or kisses and it is being ignored, disregarded, dismissed and invalidated.

A consensual option is to NOT give the children to the aunt upon walking in and validate her desires to hold the child. Affirm that it is up to the child to warm up before he accepts hugs or kisses. And trust me, I've btdt and it is not going to happen unless our child consents! It took my mother about 18 months to figure out that ds would run off and hide the moment she walked in when she tried to grab him up for a cuddle. E.v.e.n.t.u.a.l.l.y, she realized that if she'd just sit down and chat quietly, in 10 minutes ds would be dragging her to come play!

In advance, my suggestion would be to discuss the child wanting time to warm up, and that it is "so that he doesn't develop a fear about the infrequent family visits". Another option is to 'bring photos to show the family'. This creates an opportunity for the aunt to engage on the baby's terms and be nearby (in the sling, or any type of carrier).

Say out loud to your son 'it's ok to say no when someone wants to touch you'.


Pat

[WuWei]

*

[New_Natural_Mom]

I can see this being difficult in a normal situation, but it is highly exacerbated by the cultural differences stemming from different countries of origin. I am assuming that the ILs are German. This is a rule based culture that respects structure and authority. I think the doctor idea is good and might help for starters. A way to help get hubby to support you (isn't it so frustrating when you feel more manly than the husband in these situations??) try suggesting that he enlist the help of his parents to reign in the aunt. This way it isn't an us against them mentality. It might improve your relationship with them by asking them to come to your aid and be on your side. If all else fails I would pick the LO up and leave. Husband can come with or not.