Separation Anxiety in 11 month old

[crittersmum]

We knew that DD was having trouble with separation anxiety, so when we got our (wonderful!) sitter, we took things sloooowly. After several visits, I played with DD and the sitter for about 10 minutes, then said a firm and cheerful "Goodbye!" and disappeared upstairs to the computer room. After 10 minutes of crying with no signs of abating I gave up and came back downstairs again. We still have the sitter in, as I am able to get some stuff done, but I end up carrying DD or having to play with her a few times an hour. Don't even think about leaving the house!

The "standard" advice seems to be: Let them cry it out; they'll get over it(hmmm...where have I heard that before?). It seems to me to be a little -- well -- harsh. We do the "object permanence" activities with her: play peekaboo with her, and let her wander away from us into other rooms to explore on her own. Any other suggestions? Do I have to choose between a heartbroken baby and a date with my husband?

And, because every parenting issue isn't complete without a huge dollop of "what-have-we-done-to-our-baby?" guilt: Dr. Sears says that "firmly attached" babies will only go through separation anxiety for a little while (i.e. a couple of weeks). Hers has been going on since December.

[ABrez]

I really think this is normal for the age. I work at home also and when we had a nanny I would still nurse/cuddle/play with dd several times an hour. Sorry probably not the advice you were looking for.

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by crittersmum

We knew that DD was having trouble with separation anxiety, so when we got our (wonderful!) sitter, we took things sloooowly. After several visits, I played with DD and the sitter for about 10 minutes, then said a firm and cheerful "Goodbye!" and disappeared upstairs to the computer room. After 10 minutes of crying with no signs of abating I gave up and came back downstairs again. We still have the sitter in, as I am able to get some stuff done, but I end up carrying DD or having to play with her a few times an hour. Don't even think about leaving the house!

The "standard" advice seems to be: Let them cry it out; they'll get over it(hmmm...where have I heard that before?). It seems to me to be a little -- well -- harsh. We do the "object permanence" activities with her: play peekaboo with her, and let her wander away from us into other rooms to explore on her own. Any other suggestions? Do I have to choose between a heartbroken baby and a date with my husband?

And, because every parenting issue isn't complete without a huge dollop of "what-have-we-done-to-our-baby?" guilt: Dr. Sears says that "firmly attached" babies will only go through separation anxiety for a little while (i.e. a couple of weeks). Hers has been going on since December.

My 2.5 year old *still* has anxiety when I leave. Is it true separation anxiety, in that even when you're home alone with her, she won't let you out of site or is it that she doesn't want to be left alone with someone other than you? The last one really isn't separation anxiety because it's not the separation that's the problem, it's that she's with someone else - stranger anxiety almost (though I know the sitter isn't a stranger anymore. True seperation anxiety - can't set them down anywhere anytime no matter who is and isn't around, etc should only last a couple weeks. Preference for Mom may not ever go away until much later. HTH.

[WuWei]

Ds only stays with people who love him and with his consent. I want to trust that the caregiver will honor his cries for mama and let me know. Perhaps, if you reframe this as nurturing a healthy attachment, rather than separation anxiety, you'll feel more comfortable allowing this attachment transfer to unfold naturally and at your son's comfort and pace.

My sister came to play each Wednesday evening for a hour or two, since ds was newborn. Around 18 months, ds stayed with her alone and was totally delighted and non-plussed that dh and I were going out on a date. We probably could have done this much sooner. But, mama wasn't sure if she could trust someone else to be the caregiver yet.

We've had several "mother's helpers" who come for a few hours after school to play with ds. It took several visits (maybe 6-8) before ds wasn't mostly sitting with me and coming to me to play (the whole time). We'd all three play and then when they were engaged, I'd mention that I was going to an adjacent room. As soon as ds needed something, he wanted mama. I'd happily help and the helpers had to be reassured that we were both comfortable with that. Over time, ds started asking the girl to 'get my drink, please'. And after a few months of visits, ds would stand at the door in anticipation of the girl coming to play. Eventually, about as soon as she arrived, I could tell ds that I was going to go run to the store and he could call me if he needed me (age 3+), and he was happy to stay and play. I have received about one call a year when ds asked to call mama.

Creating surrogate caregivers can evolve naturally and with everyone comfortable!

HTH, Pat

[lilylove]

Yeah, I agree that it's totally normal. I remember when my older two went through this stage, it can be hard. For some children it lasts longer then others. My daughter wasn't ready to be left alone with an alternate caregiver until she was about 2 and then it was only with Nana, whom she adores. My son was ready younger then that.
If you want to keep trying to help your Dd feel comfortable with the sitter you might try going even slower. Your "goodbye' might be too much for her. What if you waited until she was happy and engaged in an activity with the sitter, then just moved to the other side of the room for a few minutes? If that goes well you could quietly step out of the room for a moment, coming right back if she begins to get upset. Slowly building on it as her comfort level grows
IMO, going slow, listening to their cues, and honoring their need to be with someone they know and trust, children are more likely to outgrow this stage faster and with more security and trust, then if they are pushed.

As for a date, could you have a date at home after she falls asleep? A late dinner and a rented movie?

Good luck, this stage will end

[Blucactus]

that's about the age my son started. and it lasted close to a year. not trying to discourage you, but it happens. we could only leave him with my mom, and he wouldn't go in nursery at church without dh or i...of course people thought he was spoiled rotten. he even used to cry if i left him alone with dh at home. sigh. i just made it a point not to leave him for frivalous reasons. fwiw, we had a traumatic surgical birth with alot of seperation afterward and did cio for the first yr of life i will always believe that caused it all to 'come out' once we started ap'ing and we had a lot of parts of our relationship & history to work on.