How about an update thread?

[Leatherette]

Thought it would be nice to have a thread to pop in a bit of info about where adoptive parents-to-be are in the process, and adoptive parents could share post-adoptive info. Maybe it's two threads.

Anyway, we had our 1st homestudy visit on Monday, and will have one more next Thursday. It was fun. We have a very cool social worker.

Hope all's well with everyone.

L.

[EFmom]

Congratulations on getting your first HS visit over with and having be fun to boot! Actually, we had a great sw for ours and it wasn't bad at all.

My six year old has started first grade, which she loves. In all, she's doing great. A few weeks before school started though we had a little adoption drama. She announced one day (after being disciplined for misbehavior) that she was going to return to China the following day because she missed her birth mother and because she "doesn't belong here."

We worked that one out, but from time to time she trots it out when she isn't getting every little thing she wants. I think I've become pretty good and discerning what is genuine angst about adoption and what is the typical childhood threat to run away every time she doesn't get her way. She's a smart and wonderful kid, but sometimes a little too smart!

We really need to get cracking on readopting our kids. I've been dragging my feet and I know I shouldn't. The youngest must be readopted because both of us didn't go to China and we'll do the older one as well because if we're going through the process, why not?

I have to admit though, I've had nightmares about something screwing up and the judge not letting us readopt. In our state it's like adopting from scratch, and although I've never heard of anyone having problems I guess it's still theoretically possible that the judge could decide we are unfit for some reason. This judge is a real pain--we'll have to have a whole new set of documents done and a whole new homestudy with one of the two SWs he'll work with. Not looking forward to that ordeal again!

[Laurel]

Well, I guess my update is that I'm in the process of trying to write my last letter to ds's birthmother. A few months ago, she requested that we end contact as she felt she needed to "move on" (her words, not mine). She got married in April and feels like that continuing to get letters and pics is making it harder to get through the grief, rather than easier. I can understand where she is coming from, and we have chosen to respect her desires of course, but it has still been a sad thing for me. We have discussed this quite a bit with her through our letters, and she is firm that this is what she wants. I have been putting off having to write this letter, because I know it is the last one. We have always had a really good relationship with her. She wrote us a beautiful letter for ds's first birthday telling us that we had helped to make her experience so positive and that she didn't have any regrets--she knows ds is loved and well cared for. That letter eased my feelings about ending contact, but it is still bittersweet. I hope that perhaps in a few years she will change her mind, and hopefully the pain won't be so fresh, but who knows?

[Amazlilith]

Waiting for rimmeuter (sp?)

Once that comes back from appeals...our social worker will file for our adoption date!!!!!

[T. Elena]

Well, we are wrapping up our homestudy for a domestic infant adoption (almost certainly an African-American or mixed race child), unspecified gender. Just got in the mail the one outstanding document -- my birth certificate from NYC -- and once we get that mailed in all the HS paperwork will be done. Then it's just a matter of wrapping up the birthparent letter & photo album, which are both underway.

Apparently, at our agency, they don't have any "traditional" families (2 parent, with one "at home") in the wait for an unspecified gender domestic baby right now, so since we are "traditional" our wait period could be very short indeed. But we are putting the brakes on because we're not ready yet . . . DS, age 3.75, just started preschool and he's not comfortable with it yet (but that's another story unto itself). Also, we're traveling in October. And there there's the tiny matter of me having given away all our baby stuff from the first child . . . got to get a few basics still!

But if all goes as it appears now that it probably will, we should have a child anytime after early November.

As for breastfeeding, I'm going to give the Newman-Goldfarb protocols a try I think (http://www.asklenore.info/breastfeed..._protocol.html). Have an appointment with my doctor next week to get Rxs for Diane 35 and domperidone. Yikes, with my bad track record with synthetic hormones, I can't believe I'm doing this. But, hey, if it's a flop I can always quit and just stoke the Lact-Aid with formula. (I'm going to also get a note from my doctor to use the organic formula -- http://www.naturesone.com/ -- even though it's not FDA-approved for infant use.)

[steph]

t. elena - regarding the formula.... i spoke w/the nutritionist at nature's one about it a couple of years ago. and she told me that the reason it isn't fda approved for infants isn't because it doesn't meet the nutritional requirements (it does - you can look up all their stats and compare them w/any "regular" infant formula's stats which you can also get online), but because the cost for fda approval is too high for a small company like theirs. the big formula companies are usually subsidies of pharmaceutical companies (or nestles) which can afford the fda's expenses. i used nature's one w/ dd for the first two years - just now switched to plain soy milk (vitamin enriched) in the lact-aid (much cheaper!)... good luck with the protocol! i didn't have it in me to do the drugs - just did fenugreek and blessed thistle!

[T. Elena]

Steph,

Yeah -- I am aware that the Nature's One formulas have roughly equivalent nutritional profiles to the "regular" brands. Figured they'd not sought FDA approval for cost reasons and/or because I guess they add some essential fatty acids that may not be on the FDA "approved" list for infant formulas. Not that I regard the FDA as the ultimate source of wisdom on infant nutrition, but that's another topic altogether. . . .

I really don't know how I'm going to do with the hormones. Believe me, there are several levels of irony to me taking them. I once swore I'd never take another birth control pill . . . but the accelerated protocol calls for just one month or so, and it can't be worse than the 7 weeks of "morning" sickness I went through in pregnancy. So we shall see, I guess.

I'm about to order my Lact-Aids. I heard at least one mom advocate having at least four of them around -- what's your advice? Maybe you can PM me.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

[HotMama]

Originally posted by Laurel
Well, I guess my update is that I'm in the process of trying to write my last letter to ds's birthmother. A few months ago, she requested that we end contact as she felt she needed to "move on" (her words, not mine). She got married in April and feels like that continuing to get letters and pics is making it harder to get through the grief, rather than easier.

I hope that perhaps in a few years she will change her mind, and hopefully the pain won't be so fresh, but who knows?

My heart goes out to you and your family. I worry about losing dd's birthmom. I hope she changes her mind later on. Is she open to keeping in touch enough for your ds to meet her later on?

[Quirky]

I hope you don't mind that I'm butting in on this thread, since I'm not an adoptive parent (but I hope to be someday, which is why I lurk!)

Just wanted to let you know that a) the Nature's One formulas do meet the FDA requirements, they're not just "close." I did a lot of research when we had to supplement ds as a newborn. Also, Horizon has come out with an FDA approved organic formula. Horizon press release

On domperidone - I recently heard that the FDA is not allowing it to be sold through compounding pharmacies any more, which IMO is totally ludicrous given the rampant off-label use of drugs like Cytotec....but I digress. Anyway, if you can't get a script for it, you can order it from pharmacies overseas, and get it cheaper anyway. If you need ordering information LMK and I can post it or PM it.

EFMom, what's readoption? Having to go through the whole legal process all over again? Is that because your partner isn't legally an adoptive parent or something? If you don't mind me asking.

[Laurel]

Originally posted by T. Elena
I'm about to order my Lact-Aids. I heard at least one mom advocate having at least four of them around -- what's your advice?

I had six lact-aids, and I'd say that's the minimum. Cleaning and preparing lact-aids is a lot of work (not hard, just time-consuming), and the less often you have to do it, the less stressful your nursing experience will be. I kept a bowl of soapy water on the counter at all times so I could just dump the used lact-aids in as soon as we were done nursing. At first, I would clean lact-aids twice a day, then as ds got older and ate a little less frequently, I only had to do it once a day. I admit that I would use the same bag for several nursings but just change the tubing. Otherwise I would have been cleaning them all day long. The fastest I could clean six lact-aids was about 20 minutes.

[Laurel]

Originally posted by HotMama
Is she open to keeping in touch enough for your ds to meet her later on?

In her last letter, she had softened her stance a little bit. It was subtle, but I could detect a difference in her feelings, and she left the door slightly more open for future contact. We will continue to write her a yearly letter and send it to the agency, not to be given to her, but to be placed in her file so that if she changes her mind, she will always know where we are. I was very up front in telling her that I will not hinder ds from searching for her if he chooses to. So, at least she should be aware of that possibility. One of the things I liked best about an open adoption was the idea that he would never have to "search" and that even though we might not have frequent contact, he could always contact her if he had questions about his adoption. She talked of coming out for one last visit before ending contact (she lives in another state), and we were really looking forward to that, but I had a feeling it would not happen. Sure enough, she cancelled on us. So I guess my answer to your question is that I don't know if she would be open to seeing him later on or not. I guess we'll just have to see how the next few years go. He does have lots of pictures of his birth family, as well as letters (several written directly to him).

[EFmom]

Laurel, my heart goes out to your family re the birthmother. How sad and difficult.

Jane, the readoption is for our younger daughter's citizenship. According to the INS, or whatever they are called these days, if only one parent travels to see the child prior to the overseas adoption, the child is not considered to be a citizen until the child is readopted in their home state.

Different states handle readoption differently. In some states it's just a matter of filing a few forms and paying a nominal fee. In our state, there is great leeway in what the family court or surrogate court judge can require, and lucky us, in our county we've got a stinker. This judge makes it as difficult as possible--probably a member of the Attorneys' Full Employment Society.

[Quirky]

Holy moly, what a giant and stupid PITA. Thanks for the explanation; I hope yours goes smoothly!

[HotMama]

I had this update all written up, but got interrupted, and away in went to cyberland...

We adopted Sarah at birth and I was there, dh just outside and we were all together within one minute. I nursed right off with the mini-SNS the hospital had, since Sarah was a week earlier than her scheduled c-section and we didn't have our supplies ready 9we did remember to grab a bag of frozen breastmilk on the way out of the house). We still nurse using the Lact-Aids (we have six, but seven was better when she was younger). We all co-slept on the tiny hospital bed, until we did our placement stuff the next day and we could go home. The hospital even gave us our own room (free), right next to Sarah's birthmom.

At this point we are starting to think about a sibling, although this week I am feeling like getting back into the adult world of work again...if we have another, it will be that much longer before I'll go back to teaching. I wish our culture didn't separate families so much...if I want to relate to other adults on a regular basis, I pretty much have to do it without my daughter, ah, but that is a bit off-topic, eh? Most of the time I am sure I want Sarah to have a sibling to grow up with, but at the beginning of the school year, when dh goes back to his classroom and I'm home alone more than any other time of year, I start thinking one is lovely.

We see her half-sister somewhat regularly, but haven't seen her birthmom since before summer. We are lucky that she is here in town, but she fights forest fires and is hard to catch up with between being out of town and having no phone. I'm inspired to track her down (she cooks lunch at a local tavern), after reading your post about losing touch. I hope that your ds's birthmom just needs a break, and can come back later.:

[Tigeresse]

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing all your stories.

We are in the waiting stage for our daughter from China. Our dossier was logged in to the CCAA (China center for adoption affairs) in July. At that time, the wait for a referral was 12 months, although I've seen them coming in in as little as 9 months. We'll see!

We'll have to redo our fingerprints for INS (BCIS I think now) as they expire after a period of time. We may have to reapply for INS approval too if we don't travel before our current approval expires.

We will have to readopt too, I won't be travelling to China either as we have young ones I can't bear to leave for 2 weeks, but I think we're supposed to readopt even if we were both travelling, do you know more about that EFmom?

I'll keep you all posted....

[EFmom]

Tigeresse, readoption is not required if both of you travel, unless you live in one of three or four states that require it.

Many people do readopt anyway. I've seen lots of reasons for this, but none that make any solid case, at least not to me. The motivation is primarily to get a US birth certificate. In many states you can get something called a certificate of foreign birth for a small fee which functions just like a US birth certificate except that it doesn't prove citizenship, but we have other documents that do for our older child. There is also some idea that readoption will help in the case of contested inheritance, but I've spoken to three attorneys about that issue don't see that at all. If there is an issue it almost always revolves around the fact that the child is adopted in the first place and readoption is irrelevant.

We wouldn't have chosen to go through the expense and the hassle if we didn't have to. See http://www.kscourts.org/kscases/supc...0711/77694.htm for a horror story of what might go wrong. (These people adopted from the same orphange as my older daughter was from.) While everything worked out for this family after the legal appeal, what a nightmare. And I'll bet they had pretty substantial attorney bills, to boot. There are too many judges out there who are clueless about IA for me to jump into this if I didn't have to.

Here is to your speedy referral! I sure hope you don't have to do the BCIS approval, uggh!

[Nemmer]

My update

Hi there. Our update is that we're filling out paperwork to submit to the agency to start the process to adopt #2. Our first DS, who we received at 2 days old is now 16 months old. I'm excited to be "on the waiting list" again, as long as it doesn't take 3 years again! :LOL

We just got a letter the other day from DS's birthmom and she sent a beautifully framed picture we took at placement of DS being handed from her to me, with both moms holding him. We love being able to keep her updated and send pictures, and hearing how she is doing. We attended her high school graduation, and although she told us she was glad we came, I just heard from a social worker I ran into who knows her that she literally cried when she told this social worker that we came. That's how much she appreciated it! She's so sweet, and we love having the relationship with her that we have.

Laurel, every time I hear about your DS's birthmom, it makes me sad for you. May the Lord comfort you.

[Tigeresse]

Hey EFmom,

That's a sobering account of what can go wrong when dealing with uninformed "authorities". I hope that because international adoption has become more common place, that we won't encounter anything like the family in the story did. I also like to keep a positive outlook, knowing that things will fall into place as they should. I don't know if our state requires readoption, but Since I don't plan to travel, I know we will have to go through it. Who knows, maybe we'll decide to just take the whole family to China and avoid the whole situation.

Thanks for your info. and well wishes. You are a wonderful resource on this board regarding adoption from China.

[Leatherette]

Hey, all,

I delivered our photo albums to our agency yesterday. So our social worker mailed them off to the participating agencies yesterday afternoon. Next step: wait for the phone to ring.....

I realize it could be a while, but it is nice to be at the next step in the process.

L.

[Nemmer]

Congratulations on being at that step Leatherette!

We turned in all our paperwork, and are waiting for the agency to collect our referrals and approve our file. Then we will be in that "waiting for the phone call" stage too.