I just felt like joining the conversation tonight. I'm feeling really down... I can't separate out all the reasons why. The guy I've been talking about... I think things are going really well. I'm really enjoying the time I spend with him, which is about 1x/week. In fact, I feel like I'm really falling for him. He's really wonderful. My one issue is that I feel like I need a little more clarity about what this is for him. And I've been very hesitant to initiate this conversation. I'm not sure why. It's unlike me. And I do believe my hesitation is about me, not him. I'm realizing what a strong fear I have of turning someone away by opening up, thanks to my ex husband and a rotten marriage. It's just that things seem to be progressing and I can feel myself falling for him, and I feel like it's mutual. But if it's not... I really need to know... I need to protect myself emotionally, you know?
Anyway, that aside. I've made friends with someone who lives in my condo complex. He is divorced, has his daughter on weekends, and is about 15 years older than me. We've spent a bunch of time hanging out. He's great with my son, who adores him. We cook dinner, talk, laugh, etc. He's been eager for me to date him and I've sort of toyed with it a bit (i.e. made out with him), but I know it's not right for me. He does know about the other guy. He's ok with me dating someone else, but I'm not ok dating 2 people. It's just not me. And I really feel like this guy is just meant to be a good friend. I don't have lots of free time and I know I would choose to spend that time with the other guy. So there's my answer. The sad part is that he decided that he has really fallen for me and can no longer spend time with me just as a friend. It's just too hard. So now I have (at least for now) lost a friend. And someone who has been such wonderful companionship after 2 years of being alone so much of the time. And I have hurt someone I care about. And I stupidly, because I thought we were going to be friends, let my son get attached to him. And now I am so so so sad. I can't tell you how much I miss him. And I know some of that is mixed up with missing having companionship... And I thought I was so happy on my own/independent, etc.
All in all, I'm just feeling out of sorts. And I have let my life go to shambles. I have so much to do... my house is a mess... taxes... etc. And I've been skimping way too much on sleep. And I feel so sad and mixed up tonight. I know I just need to get some things done and let the dust settle with the friend guy.
Thanks for listening, mamas.
Things are sounding pretty exciting for some of you... cycle, beloved k!!!
Bug... keep us posted. It is scary to be out of work. And self-esteem damaging. Hopefully once he's had a little time, he'll come around and talk with you about it. If not... well... as painful as it is, you probably don't want someone who will shut you out when something goes wrong.