Nov. '05 Mamas, Marching into Spring! - Page 8

[3for3hb]

Originally Posted by Queen of Cups

If I could just convince my kids to listen the first time I ask them to do something, life would be grand.

same here... not getting any better... doesn't help that i'm in total complete bitchy mom before birth mode either....

[*Amy*]

Originally Posted by Queen of Cups

I'm trying to figure out how to correct it without always correcting him in front of the kids, any suggestions? Explaining it before/after doesn't seem to be making a difference.

I think in your case, action would be much more effective than explanations. What we do works pretty well. First, we give her a warning that something needs to be done, or will be happening (this is pretty important for her), such as, "We're going to finish this XYZ, and then it will be time to take a bath." And then, at the appropriate time, we say, "OK, time to take a bath!" Most of the time, she goes with the flow, but if she starts fussing, we give her a choice with the same ultimate result, such as, "Do you want to walk to the bathroom or be carried?" If she still fusses, I ask the question one more time, but like this, "Do you want to walk to the bathroom, or be carried, or would you like me to decide for you?" If she doesn't choose one or the other, I choose for her even if she protests. Generally things don't get to that point though.

One thing I had to work on with Jason is for him to stop *asking* her if she wanted to do something; he would always say, "Do you want to take a bath now?" and then she would likely say no, but she'd have to do it anyway, which I didn't think was fair at all. So he's gotten out of that habit, and things go more smoothly.

Another thing that works *really* well for us is using a timer. I do this throughout the day, like, "We'll play with blocks until the timer goes off, and then it's time to go potty and brush your teeth." Honestly, we've been doing that for over a month now and I can't say that she has *ever* protested when the timer has gone off. It's like it's not ME saying it's time to do something (or stop doing something), so it makes it much easier for her to handle.

Just my 2 cents!

[3for3hb]

never mind

[HoneyTree]

Originally Posted by *Amy*

I think in your case, action would be much more effective than explanations. What we do works pretty well. First, we give her a warning that something needs to be done, or will be happening (this is pretty important for her), such as, "We're going to finish this XYZ, and then it will be time to take a bath." And then, at the appropriate time, we say, "OK, time to take a bath!" Most of the time, she goes with the flow, but if she starts fussing, we give her a choice with the same ultimate result, such as, "Do you want to walk to the bathroom or be carried?" If she still fusses, I ask the question one more time, but like this, "Do you want to walk to the bathroom, or be carried, or would you like me to decide for you?" If she doesn't choose one or the other, I choose for her even if she protests. Generally things don't get to that point though.

One thing I had to work on with Jason is for him to stop *asking* her if she wanted to do something; he would always say, "Do you want to take a bath now?" and then she would likely say no, but she'd have to do it anyway, which I didn't think was fair at all. So he's gotten out of that habit, and things go more smoothly.

Another thing that works *really* well for us is using a timer. I do this throughout the day, like, "We'll play with blocks until the timer goes off, and then it's time to go potty and brush your teeth." Honestly, we've been doing that for over a month now and I can't say that she has *ever* protested when the timer has gone off. It's like it's not ME saying it's time to do something (or stop doing something), so it makes it much easier for her to handle.

Just my 2 cents!

We do both of these things--framing the task as a choice, reminding the wee one that he or she is making a choice, then following through with the outcome--and the timer, which so far we've only used for teeth brushing and flossing. These tactics well for us, too, and I find the scriptedness kind of nice--I always have the kind, empowering words in my mind, even when I'm stressed, and the protest does indeed become less personal.

[DreamsInDigital]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=866190

Monique's babe is on the way!

[Queen of Cups]

How exciting, Monique!! I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

Amy - Yeah, I do all that stuff. I'm talking about situations like where we're outside and Ellie decides she wants to go inside and starts pounding on the screen in the door and DH gets all panicked (because she's about to tear the screen) and says, "Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!" instead of staying, "Stop - that will break the door!" and picking her up. He just stands there repeating himself. Very frustrating. And, she learns that she doesn't need to stop or even to listen, because Daddy just stands there repeating himself but not doing anything to correct the situation. Then, DH is annoyed that the kids don't listen to him. But, I just can't seem to get him out of the habit! The only thing I've found that works with any regularity is to call him on it when he's doing it (because in the moment he doesn't even notice that he's doing it), but like I said - I hate to be correcting him in front of the kids, you know?

[spughy]

Hmmm... which would be worse, calling his attention to it, or him continuing to use an ineffective disciplinary strategy on the kids? I honestly don't know the answer to that, I think you and your DH need to talk about it - assuming he *wants* to stop doing it (which, given that it's not effective I'm assuming is the case!) and decide between the two of you what's the lesser of two evils. I can see not wanting to show a "divided front" to the kids, but on the other hand sooner or later they're going to find out you're human and make mistakes, and as long as you don't do it disrespectfully, and your DH is on board and accepts the correction gracefully and does the right thing afterwards, I think it might even be a valuable lesson for the kids... you know, even adults mess up and they don't pitch a fit when someone points it out?

DH took Rowan swimming tonight and got her out of the house with only a minor insistence on cuddles with me and no tears. I took the dog for a walk, tidied, and am now giving myself permission to vegetate. But I have this nagging feeling that I bought myself a book the last time Rowan and I went to the bookstore, and not only can I not find it, but I can't even remember what it was. Sigh.

And GO MONIQUE GO!!! WOOOO!!!! BABY BABY BABY!!!! I'll be thinking of you tonight. I bet that baby just pops right out!

[flapjack]

Queen of Cups, if it's something important then give a minute to saying it like it's important- use your whole body language, stop everything else and talk to your children. THEN don't do anything else until you get the response you're looking for. I really struggle with being treated like Mr Invisible, but that one gets results for me. It's hard, though- a minute is a LONG time....
Now, off to stalk Monique! Safe and happy birthing, honey

[*Amy*]

Yay Monique!!!! Happy labor day!!!

Jen, I see what you're saying. Maybe you could have a code word with DH, like as soon as you notice this behavior with him, just yell out, "Applesauce!" Then you aren't correcting him in front of the kids, but he is immediately reminded of what he's doing.

[flapjack]

I was re-reading Gabriel's birth story this morning. May this one go smoothly (and she update swiftly, I'm bursting with anticipation here)

[Awaken]

so happy for Monique! I hope things are going great for you right now, mama, and hope that baby is in your arms, or will be soon.

Ok, I'm feeling so low today. I'm glad you've brought up this discipline stuff b/c I am at a loss. We were finding our way fairly well with one child, but 2 completely has me defeated. I feel like I'm totally screwing them up by handling everything so badly. I may post in the GD forum also but I'm afraid of being flamed :

1. Getting dressed. Huge battle with both kids every day. Ethan, because I repeat the request to put on pants, socks, etc 50 times within an hour and he still drifts off and does something else, and by 10am nothing has been done and I explode with frustration and we both end up crying. He is 5 yrs old and does need some help, which I am happy to provide, but I refuse to dress him like a baby and do ask that he try, and do the parts he can manage.

Ezra- loves clothes, so I give him a couple choices each time. He will say no to everything, or say yes, and as soon as I put it on he screams no and pulls it off. This went on this morning for 6 different outfits, until the point I know he's never going to be satisfied with anything we put on, and we have somewhere to be at a certain time, or simply to go outside and play and he can't wear just a diaper, so eventually I have to force the clothes on him with much screaming.

I KNOW this isn't ideal, HATE doing it, but I don't know how else to dress this child. Sure, sometimes we can wait until he's ready, but sometimes we are on a time limit and we need to get dressed and can't fool around all morning. Any advice??????

2. Ending an activity. I know Amy talked about the timer, and I may institute that in the house. How about outside. Last night we all came home from work/daycare, and played outside for about an hour. It was 7pm, getting dark, and we hadn't had dinner and me and Ethan were cold. I gave the 5 min, 1 min. warnings that we were going inside. The time comes and I gently and playfully try to get Ezra to stop what he's doing (digging in the dirt with a mud caked shovel) and he just won't do it.

We really do need to go in at this point, I have one child crying with cold and hunger and I can't leave a 2 yr old outside on his own in the dark. He absolutely won't do it despite all my super-gentle AP approaches and explanations, and eventually I had to pry the shovel out of his hands and carry him in screaming. Again, I HATE doing that, I know I can't expect him not to grab if I grab things from him. I know he just wants a little control and didn't want to stop having fun. But we also have an entire family to take care of and meet everyone's needs, and it can't all stop for what one person wants to do.

Please help!!

[3for3hb]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...8#post10796468

I was only able to take a short, maybe twenty minute nap today. I'm exhausted but just can't relax. I'll write my birth story soon. Baby was in distress for a while so I really did freak out a bit about transferring.
My throat is sore from the gutteral sounds I was making

[spughy]

Yay Monique! Congratulations! I hope you didn't miss your birth pool too much.

[DreamsInDigital]

Congrats monique!

[gingerstar]

Happy Birth Day!! Congrats, Monique!
Hope you are able to get some rest soon.
Looking forward to hearing your whole birth story!

[flapjack]

Mary, can I suggest that you go read "The Mind of Boys" by Michael Gurian? I've just got it, and it's making sense. Basically, sometimes boys just need help in staying on track and it's easier to give in to that and shift your expectations than it is spend the next decade in a battleground. Ezra sounds pretty normal too, I think he's just pushing as hard as possible to know where his boundaries are.

Monique, I've said this at least twice already, but congratulations

[Queen of Cups]

Congrats, Monique!

Juggling two kids is hard, its difficult to help them learn that sometimes they don't get to make all the decisions for everybody. I just keep telling myself that these early years of learning to compromise will make the rest of their lives easier because they'll know how to get along with others! It really does get easier as they get older.

[flapjack]

Sometimes Skye does get to make the decisions for everybody There's balance in there too...

[MamaFern]

aww..congrats monique!! welcome earthside little boy!

well, life is very busy. no time for internet at all really. library trips are so rare and even then its no time to sit 3 kids. wow. its intense. i love it though and i feel like i'm doing really well most of the time.

ngaio just got over a really rough few weeks. she has a high fever that wouldn't go away (5 days at like 103-105 unless using meds to lower her temp) so i finally took her to the dr (hospital actually because the clinic was closed)
sent us home after a few hours and a urine test..but the fever wouldn't break and she hadn't eaten or drank much in all of those days and she is such a fighter .. its very hard to get her to drink when she doesn't want to. i was worried and my momma instincts were telling me something wasn't ok..so off to the hospital we went again and this time after a blood test and x-ray they found pneumonia in her right lung. so she is on the mend, but it wasn't fun to see her be so sick and not be able to do anything for her...

im at MIL's today..so hi!! everyone.

[flapjack]

Oh Fern Gentle healing vibes to her We miss you, you know?

As if my life weren't enough of a soap opera, I just lost my daughter. Couldn't find her ANYWHERE- we were running round the house screaming our heads off. I had the phone in my hand ready to call the police, when Steve found her asleep UNDER Alex's pillow. His bunk bed is so high that his mattress is above my line of vision.

What next?