Is it love or codependency?

[mountain]

Hi all, i never thought I would be writing, but I'm just having a real hard time. I thought I was so in love, had chosen to be with someone who wanted to support our decisions to breastfeed, etc. I have a 4yo and a 6 month old, and my husband just left us a month ago. Now he tells me his life was a living hell, that he wishes he could take dd and just give her formula (it's not like she'll wither away and die, he says).
What do you do? Everytime my ds goes away to be with him I just want to die of lonliness. I don't understand why any of this is happening to me, I always tried to do my best. When my ex comes to see the baby, I don't know how to act. I still feel so much for him, but how could I ever love someone who could do these things to me.
Everyone says go get counseling but he goes back and forth on it. I just get so pissed off, i'm so angry that he can just leave, be a one or two day a week father when I'm on my own now. I guess I'll be getting served papers pretty soon now for joint custody.
This is all too crazy & I don't know how to deal with it.

[Maurica]

Oh Mountain! What a difficult place you are in right now! I would like to offer you some support and {{{hugs}}}. I, for one, will never understand the men that oscillate like you have described. That must be so painful, like he's leaving again each time. It sounds like you need to define your "bottom line" with him. You can never change him, but you always have compete control of how you choose to deal with the situation. He sounds so disrespectful!! You are right to feel angry and abused! I know it sounds cliche, but things will get better, you will get through this. I trust in your parenting skills, you are capable of making the best decisions for your children, with or without the support of this so-called man.

Peace, darlin', and please come here when you need us.

Everything Counts, Maurica

[alianmama]

Maurica is right; THINGS WILL GET BETTER!

Been there, done that. Honestly, the only advice I feel comfortable giving is stop thinking about him, period. Do the best that you can for your baby, and DO NOT allow yourself to feel guilty for not living up to your fantasy hopes. Just do your best.

AND: Do what YOU need to do for YOU to be grounded and healthy. Period.

Don't get pulled into his drama. Know that he loves the baby and the baby will be fine during dad's time. Just do your best.

Times like these are excellent times to be truly and honestly self-reflective. Look at yourself with clarity, see who you are, who you want to be, and determine the steps you need to take to get there.

And you will get there.

Blessings,
S

[sanna]

Mountain,

With that kind of name, you must be grounded and solid. More than you profess to realize in these troubling times! Good advise from Alianmama.., to focus on yourself and your kids. I too send you lots of strength so that you may live up to your name. Right now is stormy weather, but after the rains comes new growth. I wish this for you.

As for custody, just know that as a Mother, any judge will favor you with 3/4 custody. Find out your rights. Call the legal aid folks. Stand up for what you feel is right and true for your children. Be strong for them if not at first for yourself. Mother's have tremoundous strength they can tap into. I also suggest getting counseling for yourself. Maybe a woman's group..?

Finally, realize that having such a young child to care for is overwhelming (lack of sleep, etc..) and that this shifts when your child is 6 months, then again at 1 year (walking). I too experienced difficulties with my ex, beginning when my dd was 4 months old. I felt heartbroken and weak. Now, I am much stronger, and it helps that dd is older and more independant.

Good luck!

[laralou]

{{{mountain}}}

I don't know what to say except I am sorry. I hope you start feeling better soon. It is hard to get over someone when they are still in your life. The only thing I can recommend is to get a good cheap counselor to talk to and to minimize your contact with your ex. Refuse to get personal with him. Just discuss visitation and money, nothing else. Good luck. You will be in my thoughts.

[alianmama]

Good advice from Laralou & Sanna

Refuse to get personal w/him. I just ended a relationship a couple of months ago, and I realized that if we started rehashing s**t and getting personal, that our anger & frustration would make it impossible to come to any kind of reasonable settlement, and at times like these, you need a clear head on your shoulders (kinda helps minimize the "I knew I should have blah blah blah" syndrome).

I told my ex, in the very first conversation after we broke up, that I would not participate in any personal conversation, especially not one speck about our recently ended relationship. I had to stop him a few times and just tell him I will not discuss this. It worked. We are now seemingly amicably moving toward a settlement (just buying him out of a house, so now child related emotions involved). This also worked years ago with my ex-husband, with whom I have an excellent friendship now.

Good luck and stay strong. THAT, you won't ever regret.

Blessings,
S

[toepea]

I know this post is relatively old, but I just have to say the not get personal advice is good......... and also very hard to do. I struggle with it all the time and lose the battle more often than not. My childrens father has moved out, but keeps telling me he doesn't want a divorce? I don't want a divorce either, but need a heck of alot more than he is willing to give me now. Everytime I get to the point of saying F*&@^ It!, he has convinced to hang in there a bit longer. I still am........ Anyway, I am going to try harder to not get personal and discuss only our children and our settlement issues---- which are somewhat personal however?

ARGH!!!
Thanks,
LAM

[Skyemama]

Co-parenting is really hard when the parents don't agree. I started going to counseling with my ex so that we could get along enough to co-parent. It has worked miracles. There is a reason why we loved these people in the first place. The beautiful parts in both of you are still there, you just have to get past all of the hurt and mistrust to find them again. We originally went to be able to figure out how we could be friends through all of this and now we are actually on the road to getting back together. I am not saying that counselling is going to bring your family back together, but it is amazing what learning to communicate can do. We needed to learn a way to understand what the other was feeling, drop the egos and communicate thoughtfully and properly. With these tools in place you never know what could happen. Even if you don't get back together, at least your kids won't be in the middle of bitterness for the rest of their lives. It really is worth it.

[toepea]

I have been pestering my husband to go to a counselor with me. I agree, if nothing else, it will help us parent our children better --separately. I know that all we need to do is learn how to talk better, how to fight better, and how to trust more, and get rid of all the bad marriage habits we have developed and nursed in the last 12 years. He just won't go................ ARGH!!

I wish you all the luck in the world!
Thanks