Immature 4 year old?

[Ellen Griswold]

I am so frustrated!! My 4 yo ds is in preschool at our church. Love the preschool, love the teacher, love the whole educational philosophy of the place. The problem is that I don't love the way my ds has been behaving. This has been going on since Sept. He just seems so .....immature. I realize that he is 4 and I'm not expecting miracles. But I'd just like him to make it through the day without crying. For example, today at the writing center, another child chose the blue marker, and instead of picking another color, my ds flew off the handle and had to cry and have a fit and not participate in the activity. Seems more like the behavior of a 2 or 3 year old. The problem isn't just at school either. He will decide he wants something - a certain food, or activity, or toy - and he cannot accept that I either won't get it immediately or at all. I feel like I have tried it all: saying yes more often, saying no more often, setting limits, rewarding good behavior (with material and non-material rewards), ignoring bad behavior, time outs (ugh, a real scream fest), and frankly, just trying to forget about the whole situation. I've already accepted the fact that he isn't ready to attend kindergarten in the fall even though he is of the proper age and the school is very willing to help and be flexible. He is a young student so not a big deal. I'm not sure what I really want here. Some reassurance that he will eventually grow up? Reassurance that I'm not alone with this problem? How long does everybody think this stage will last?

[Benji'sMom]

Another MDC mama suggested a book to me that talks about this exact type of thing, a child who sets their mind on something and then goes balistic when it doesn't happen the way they expect, like they MUST have the blue marker and can't change gears to use the red marker. "The Explosive Child"

[aaronsmom]

I don't really have any advice but I once watched a comedian on comedy central (can't remember his name) that expressed this situation perfectly. He said, we see a child with a balloon and he accidentally lets go of his balloon. It starts to float away. The child screams hysterically and we assure him "don't worry, we'll get you another balloon." He says, "But I want that one!!" We can't understand why he won't accept the substitute balloon! Then the comedian went on to say, what if one day your purse or wallet just started to float away into midair? You would jump up and down (possibly screaming) and when someone says, "Don't worry, we'll get you another wallet/purse" that doesn't console you because you want THAT wallet/purse! It has all your credit cards/ID/cell phone/important papers in it!
I don't know...that just really changed my perspective on these kind of situations.

[flapjack]

My ds2 is the same way. We've found that one of the bach remedies (chicory) helps him, but he still has the tendency to get stuck now, at 7. I'm off to amazon to get the explosive child now...

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thanks for making this topic!! My DSD is the same way. She throws tantrums over EVERYTHING.

For example the other night. We had three pair of PJs clean, so she had three options... she didn't want any of those three so screamed and cried and kicked. Anytime she doesn't get her way, or something isn't what she wants she freaks out. DP and I have tried everything too.

I need to go look up that book. But now we know we aren't alone.

[double feature]

I wouldn't say he is immature. Certain children just tend to see things in this "one way, or no way" mentality. There's no room for correction or compromise. During that marker fiasco, your DS probably lost control of himself, for lack of better phrase, and reacted the best way he could, by throwing a tantrum to express his feelings. It's an iffy subject really. I think, as a parent, you have to be aware of such situations and be alert, recognize the problem quickly before it escalates. At four, you can communicate with your child at least before the situation gets out of hand. If you see frustration beginning to build up, sit him aside and give him options ("Are you feeling sad or angry?") and then show understanding and compassion. Communication is key in situations like these. I hope you see improvement .

[Ellen Griswold]

I do try to head things off at the pass, so to speak. Seems like I talk about expectations everyday as he goes to preschool, and I address the problems that have occurred. But once we solve that one problem, something else will come up. Like, I can redirect him to try to chose a different marker the next time, but then the next day of school he won't be able to cope because they had to have gym time because it was raining. Again, the problem just isn't at school. Just this morning he threw a big tantrum because I dared to cut his fingernails. Like I haven't been doing this since he came home from the hospital. I guess that's where I see immaturity. The teacher and I have also communicated about the fact that he still does a lot of parallel play instead of interacting with his peers. I guess I'm curious to hear from mom of older kids about when (and I know not at 4) that kids become interested in doing "the right thing" intrinsically. Not a motivational chart or sticker or something like that. But when do they behave a certain way because they know it will please their parents. ....um, they do do this, right?

[pigpokey]

I wouldn't assume he will be the same in the fall. Though I'm not a big fan of school anyway.

Kids grow and change. I hear all the time that some friend's kid just blossomed in preschool, just blossomed in first grade, etc. I look at my non-schooled kids. Uh ... they seem to blossom almost constantly. Don't they?

There is some experiment that they showed until sometime when the child is 4, children do not understand that what they perceive and know is not what is in everyone else's heads. This is called "Perner et al's (1987) "Smarties" task" (dontcha love my citations)

[starbound25]

my 4 yr old does the same thing, her and her 5yr old sister have exposive personalities but yes I see the way the 4yr old reacts as immature, she is famous for screaming crying and running into her room away from the situation, I say to her "in the fall when you go to preschool you can cry and run away" it doesnt do any good, not that I thought it would, but I dont know how to snap her out of it, I try to grab her before she gets to her room, or before it explodes but I'm not successful, so I guess I'm in the same boat

[nextcommercial]

It doesn't sound like immaturity to me. But, I think the idea of giving him one more year before school is a good idea.

Some kids just need that extra year.

I have no answers, I know it's annoying, and tiring though. Don't you ever just feel like going out to sit in the car all alone and listen to the radio?

[Ellen Griswold]

Technically, I'm not alone when I'm in the car listening to the radio - dd 10mo is with me. However, the other day, she napped the ENTIRE time the other one was a preschool. Long story, but I don't go home while ds is at preschool. I got to hear *silence*. It was every bit as good as what I dreamed it could be.

[adtake]

You are so not alone!

My almost 5 year old (in July) started bawling the other day because he didn't like the gum I gave him. So we talked him down and told him all he had to do was ask for some other gum and throw the kind he had away. It took a while to get him down, but we finally did.

I don't think it's a sign of immaturity, I think it is they have such huge emotions in such a small mind/body they can only cry to get the emotion out.

I have found if I see it starting I can sometimes head it off. Wait, wait...tell mommy whats wrong, no need to cry..we can figure it out. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't.

And I do on occasion ignore the behavoir. If I have tried to find out what's wrong and help him and he continues to cry, I let him go. If I can't help or he can't tell me what's wrong there isn't much I can do to stop the crying, I get that...I'm pregnant. I cry for no reason some days...lol I just sit with him and tell him I'm there.

Good luck and hang in there! If the bach remedies don't work for him, use them yourself...

[AbbieB]

NAK

Your child seems like a typical 4 year old to me.

I am in the middle of reading Raising Your Spirited Child. I am finding her to be right on the money when she gives advice about dealing with my 4 year old DD's mini freak-outs.

Your child is probably going through a whopper of a growth spurt and it takes time to get comfortable with all of the new big kid thoughts and feelings.

[Ellen Griswold]

I will agree with the growth spurt idea. And my logical brain knows all this stuff, but sometimes it just gets so hard. Example, today, the haircut. I know it isn't fun, doesn't feel great or whatever, but some, just SOME, compliance would be nice. He threw such a fit that I left the house. Now, on the positive side, dh cut the hair instead. I'll take any advice on how to get the hair cut.

[Ruthla]

It really is OK if your child cries sometimes, or has tantrums. It's not your job, as a parent or teacher, to prevent ALL tears!

Sometimes the best thing to do is say "I know you're upset about not having the blue marker"- acknowledge the child's feelings, let the child know it's OK to be upset, and NOT try to "fix everything" which many times feels like minimizing their feelings and only upsets them more.

[cee3]

I don't think this is immaturity - it sounds like typical, age-appropriate behavior to me. Until they are at least 5 or 6, most kids are not physiologically able to problem solve in any consistent way. Their brains have just not developed to that point. They are still reacting with a flight/fight response or an entirely emotional response, not a logical one. Right now, you need to model and teach problem solving. So, if your child is totally freaking out because he wants a blue marker that someone else has, talk through with him how to problem solve the situation. This won't be a show-him-one-time-and-he'll-get-it kind of thing. My son is nearly 5 and, although he's getting much better about trying to solve things instead of reacting emotionally to them, he's still a little kid and has his moments.

If you'd like some company in your frustration, there's a thread from a few months ago in the Childhood section you should search for...parents of 4 yo kids sharing their frustrations. It's a tough age; so many physical and emotional changes going on.

[RomanGoddess]

My DD is only 3.5 but I have learned to prevent the explosive behaviour as much as possible by warning ahead and preparing her for the next day as much as possible at bed time. Example: She screams when friend takes the coloured marker that she wants. So, at bedtime that day, we talk. "Tomorrow, you will be going to school again. Remember that other children will be colouring and playing with the same things as you. I do not want to hear from the teacher that you cried or complained when someone took the colour you wanted."

Then I make a point to mention it again at breakfast and again at drop-off. I find this works well. I don't just do it with school things. I do it with behaviour related to her father (she is not to throw a tantrum just because I am not right there and her father is the one helping her get ready for school), getting up in the night ("You need to sleep and Mommy and papa need to sleep. We do not want to be woken in the night"), etc. I find that the more I prepare and warn that certain behaviour is not appropriate(without threatening consequences - just stating that this behaviour is not appropriate) , the more I prevent.

I would really not keep your son behind a year just because of this. He may be academically very ready to start learning some stuff and I don't think it's fair to keep him away from that because he has a temper problem. Also, I think school could be a good environment for helping him learn that screaming because some kid took the colour he wanted is just not on.