Doulas: question about declining a client

[happyartmama]

Being a somewhat newer doula, this is a new one for me--any help would be appreciated....I met with a mom (husband present but didn't join for meeting) for an interview for doula services. She clearly wants to hire me, we had a decent meeting and so forth, but something is just nagging at me that I don't want to work with this particular client.

I'm not entirely sure why, except maybe an uncertainty because the whole situation is very different from my typical clients (mom wants "the fastest, most pain-free birth possible", dad barely made eye contact and doesn't seem invested in the birth at all, no childbirth classess taken or books read, OB chosen rather at random from the phone book....)

I realize these are all her choices, and I've worked with other moms who didn't necessarily want an unmedicated birth, but the whole situation confuses me--what exactly does she want me to do? The best I could gather sounded more like keeping company rather thatn support in a different kind of way.

OK, long winded--anyway, how do you decline? What do you say?

[bullfrog]

You could simply say that you realized that you were already booked for her due date and would be unable to take her on.

That is of course unless you feel that you want to dig deeper and ask her exactly what you asked here - which is 'Why' does she want a doula and 'what exactly' is she expecting of you? Sometimes if I meet with 'mom' one on one -you'll get a totally different picture than when you meet with both parents. It could be that if you get more comfortable with her - then you'll get a better picture of what her partner wants. It really sounds like he's just guarded and is perhaps in the very common situation of feeling a bit threatened by you and wonders if you will be taking his place during the birth.

That said, I've had clients who are totally detatched (seriously - having family bring a bucket of KFC in the birth room WTF??) - and it sucked. I wish I would have declined - and I knew from the first meeting that it would be like that. So, just begg off as polietly as you can. I wouldn't at all get into your feelings about them.

[dirtgirl]

In my doula training, we were told to get very familiar and very comfortable with the following phrase: "...I know myself very well, and I am not going to be the best doula for you." And also "no doula is better than the wrong doula". You don't have to give a concrete reason if you are just honest in this way. You must maintain your integrity at all times, so do not lie. You will earn more respect by kindly making clear boundaries than getting yourself into a situation that you shouldn't have and then struggling to maintain your professionalism. That is a tough one, good luck!

[Rockies5]

Originally Posted by bullfrog

You could simply say that you realized that you were already booked for her due date and would be unable to take her on.

That is of course unless you feel that you want to dig deeper and ask her exactly what you asked here - which is 'Why' does she want a doula and 'what exactly' is she expecting of you? Sometimes if I meet with 'mom' one on one -you'll get a totally different picture than when you meet with both parents. It could be that if you get more comfortable with her - then you'll get a better picture of what her partner wants. It really sounds like he's just guarded and is perhaps in the very common situation of feeling a bit threatened by you and wonders if you will be taking his place during the birth.

That said, I've had clients who are totally detatched (seriously - having family bring a bucket of KFC in the birth room WTF??) - and it sucked. I wish I would have declined - and I knew from the first meeting that it would be like that. So, just begg off as polietly as you can. I wouldn't at all get into your feelings about them.

what she said.

[dewi]

It is very hard to get out of a booking gracefully when you already did the home visit and the client wants to book you.

It depends on your confidence to be forthright as dirt girl wisely suggested, or you can tell a professional white lie as bull frog said.

If you don't feel like you want to invest more time or energy finding out what is going on with this women, then I recommend telling a white lie to this client, and quickly find another doula you can refer them to. Call them today to tell them your schedule has changed and you have a family obligation, cannot commit to their birth. Do not make a long excuse just short and sweet. Then give them a name and number of that colleague who will be available and can work with them.

I'm a very experienced doula and this is one of the most stressful things to happen. Try to avoid this happening by doing excellent phone screening with clients. I frequently find myself talking some clients out of using a doula if they do not really need one, or they want the doula because it the new fad "thing" to do and it seems like a unrealistic situation for you, or I refer them to someone else.

[granolamomma]

I know from experience that a wrong fit can, in fact, impact the birth. I don't think I could ever take another client that I didn't feel comfortable with, for no other reason than it's their birth, and they deserve it to be the best it can.

Hopefully that doesn't sound judgmental or righteous - it's said as a regretful btdt.

Good luck -I think you should go with your gut.

[happyartmama]

Thanks for the input. She was brief in the phone interview; wanted to meet in person without w hole lot of background or talking; she mentioned being a decisive person without a lot of time to "interview a ton of people," so she got a good impression of me and wanted to meet.

Her mom died some years back, and she mentioned wanting another female present sort of as a mother figure, and she stated that husband was not helpful at all with first birth (in fact was snoring through most of it, including some fast interventions with lots of people rushing into the room), so I'm guessing she just wants someone there she can count on to stay with her, but my gut is just feeling iffy. I took one client when I had this same feeling and it was not a good experience, so I really need to decline. Give numbers for other doulas, etc.

The thing about prior obligations is that sometimes I get called and pretty much the first two questions asked are "Here's my due date, are you available?", and "How much is your fee?" I guess the thinking being not to waste anyone's time if I was booked. So I was already "available."

Thanks for the good suggestions, and any others that might join in--I appreciate the input!

[ldsapmom]

I don't think it is hard at all, after having th einitial meet, to decline a client. this is the reason I never do business at an initial meet -- I tell the parents I like to give them a chance to talk about me behind my back, lol, but it helps me, too. I have a chance to sit and think and decide if we will be a good fit. My standard reply in this kind of situation, when they call back and say they want to hire me:

"I'm sorry, something has come up and I won't be available for those dates. Here is a list of other doulas you may want to contact."

[tlcdoula]

Personally I would never lie and tell someone that I am already booked or realized I already booked or overbooked because that doesn't look professional to me, and in all honesty I don't like being lied to so wouldn't want to lie to someone else. Instead I believe in honesty being the best policy, and I would simply state that having a good fit between mom and doula is essential, and I am sorry but I don't feel I would be the best doula for you and then recommend someone that might be better for them (if you know someone).

After all - what happens if you lie and say you realized you overbooked and then someone else calls and asks about that same time period - you take them and later find out that they are friends. I have to admit that I have had people hire me only realize later on that I worked with their friend (this happened last year when I was doing a pp job and the dad had a good friend over and it turned out to be the dad of my previous client - all good experiences so nothing for me to worry about but kind of weird).

[Organicavocado]

I agree that "I don't think I'm the right doula for you" and a list of doulas who might be better would be the best way. If you are part of a local yahoo group of doulas maybe ask them if anyone would be willing to take her if they like them and refer them to that doula.

[dewi]

Every-ones style of doing business is different.
So you have to learn what works for you.

Michelle, have you actually said the truth to a pregnant women when the client really liked you a lot, and booked you after the interview: Then you the said:
"I don't think we are a good fit, I can't be your doula"

Try it. I mistakenly did that when i was a novice, and I will never, ever do that again!

It is devastating and insulting to the women, and she cried and it did not end the conversation! I will always allow etiquette to dictate a professional relationship and tell the white lie instead.

As we all said a novice doula needs to figure out not to put yourself in that situation in the first place. Wording about the purpose of the home visit might help you avoid this from happening again.



Dewi
Doula (pcd Dona), Childbirth Ed, LC
Owner of a Doula Service since 1991
Staff of 12 experienced doulas.

[ldsapmom]

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

Personally I would never lie and tell someone that I am already booked or realized I already booked or overbooked because that doesn't look professional to me, and in all honesty I don't like being lied to so wouldn't want to lie to someone else. Instead I believe in honesty being the best policy, and I would simply state that having a good fit between mom and doula is essential, and I am sorry but I don't feel I would be the best doula for you and then recommend someone that might be better for them (if you know someone).

After all - what happens if you lie and say you realized you overbooked and then someone else calls and asks about that same time period - you take them and later find out that they are friends. I have to admit that I have had people hire me only realize later on that I worked with their friend (this happened last year when I was doing a pp job and the dad had a good friend over and it turned out to be the dad of my previous client - all good experiences so nothing for me to worry about but kind of weird).

I see your point, and I do make a point of not saying, "I am aldready booked/overbooked," etc. I simply say, "I am not available for those dates any longer." This could mean a million different things, and in my mind, they stem back to me and my life -- my personal life issues -- that would keep me from being available to them.

I also had a bad experience when trying to explain to a family I wasn't the best choice for them. The mom kept trying to say I was, I had to be, because they talked to all the other doulas in town and I was the only one THEY felt they conncted with (another red flag?). I felt so pressured by them to just take them on. I stuck to my guns, but only because I had the prior experience of having that feeling of "this is a bad idea," not following it, and then having the craziest experience of my life as a doula!

I like to be vague. They don't need to know everything, and I think there is potential to hurt.

ETA: "I'm sorry, something has come up and I won't be available for those dates. Here is a list of other doulas you may want to contact." Where's the lie there? Something has come up. What? The realization that this is not something I want to be a part of. That's all.

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by dewi

Every-ones style of doing business is different.
So you have to learn what works for you.

Michelle, have you actually said the truth to a pregnant women when the client really liked you a lot, and booked you after the interview: Then you the said:
"I don't think we are a good fit, I can't be your doula"

Try it. I mistakenly did that when i was a novice, and I will never, ever do that again!

It is devastating and insulting to the women, and she cried and it did not end the conversation! I will always allow etiquette to dictate a professional relationship and tell the white lie instead.

As we all said a novice doula needs to figure out not to put yourself in that situation in the first place. Wording about the purpose of the home visit might help you avoid this from happening again.



Dewi
Doula (pcd Dona), Childbirth Ed, LC
Owner of a Doula Service since 1991
Staff of 12 experienced doulas.

Oh yes I most definitely have. I had a family once who wanted to hire me badly - dad had a lot of allergies and the whole "no perfumes" in anything didn't sit well with me. I did tell the mother that I didn't think I would be the right doula for them and then gave the reasons why, and then I referred them to a doula I knew that didn't use deodorant, shampoo, etc with scents. I believe they had a much better birth with dad being able to participate much more fully then he would have if I was the doula.

I also had a client come to my office about two weeks ago to meet with me. They were students in my hospital class and we had talked a lot while they were in class (before, during breaks and after) and when they came to my office we talked a lot - they wanted to hire me really badly, but I told them I didn't think we would be a good fit because their doctor was super anti doula. I was honest - they weren't offended and understood.

I truly believe in honesty being the best policy.