Helicopter Parenting -- Good or Bad?

[ChrisCountryGirl]

I think children and teenagers are much more likely to be more dependent on their parents and other people in helping making decisions when they're adults.

Sadly, there are many dangers in our society that we need to protect our children from but I believe that too much sheltering our children and teens by not allowing them to learn from their mistakes can do more harm than good.

Also, not allowing children and teens to gain more control and independence as they get older can lead to life-long issues when they're adults

[STJinNoVa]

Well, of course there's a style of parenting that is overly engaged with every little thing, as related to the child's developmental level. And of course excessively restrictive parenting is not optimal and can have the effects you named.

But...can you define helicopter parenting? Hard to say good or bad if you haven't identified the thing in question.

[HollyBearsMom]

Wikpedia defination: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent

helicopter parent is a term for a person who pays extremely close attention to his or her child or children, particularly at educational institutions. They rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them or letting them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not.

An extension of the term, "Black Hawks," has been coined for those who cross the line from a mere excess of zeal to unethical behavior such as writing their children's college admission essays. (The reference is to the military helicopter of the same name.)

[Jessy1019]

Bad, bad, bad.

Kids need to learn from their mistakes and learn that they will sometimes fail, be disappointed, not get their way, not be the best, etc. They also need to build confidence -- rather hard to do with someone constantly hovering over you or acting like you can't be trusted.

I treat my kids as much like adults as possible . . they have a lot of freedom to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. This is how I was raised, and I feel like it contributed a lot toward making me a very independent, strong, and mature kid/teenager. I wouldn't want to treat my kids any other way.

[HollyBearsMom]

Oops- hit reply by mistake!

My son is too young right for the college examples but I see daily examples of helicopter parents in the making.

My son takes Taikwando. The instructor had to post signs in the dojang because parents were getting involved in the class-calling out instructions, correcting behavior, asking the instructor for "second chances". Not only was it disruptive for her but the other students as well. The "rules" are clear when you sign up; reminders had been posted in the monthly newsletter. If you don’t like them why send your child there??

The playgrounds are the worse. I see parents not allowing their kids to do anything on their own. Its one thing to play with your kids, it's another to do their playing for them. Without fail there is at least one parent every time we go that just plain gets in the way of the kids, negotiating every move their own and other kid’s makes. 6 and 7 year olds should be able to negotiate a playground on their own. Yes their will be bossy kids, kids who cut in line, etc but I sometimes I want to scream “Give them a chance to work it out on their own!!”

I work with 2 women who fully admit doing their children’s class projects, researching term paper ideas on the ‘net for them, negotiating with the teachers for extra credit projects for them. It just seems too crazy!! My own SIL bought a condo near her son college campus so she could be close to him if he needed anything. Her husband flew to every one of the son’s hockey and lacrosse games no matter where they were.

[diamond lil]

Helicopter parents need to be shut down! I was a part-time English instructor at a community college for 5 years. You would not believe how many phone calls and e-mails I had to deal with from parents of GROWN children: college kids over 18.

Parents would get downright NASTY with me when I refused to discuss their kid's grade. It's private! I could get in trouble for discussing a student's grade with anyone other than the student! Helicopter parents don't get that concept. Students were completely mortified when I brought it up. I had to announce to one of my classes that I would not be taking any more calls from anyone's mommy and daddy anymore. It's pathetic. Don't these parents have jobs????

ETA: Here's a nice helicopter parent for you. Daddy lands his plane on a golf course so his son can make it to tennis try-outs. Awwwww, how sweet. What a good daddy, frightening the living daylights out of the locals so your little late-in-life sonny-boy can make it to tennis on time. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/l...,5960746.story

[cinnamongrrl]

I think there's a big difference between being supportive and being a "helicopter parent". I know that the term is a negative one, meaning a parent that "hovers" over their (often adult) child. Like parents who call their kids every day even though the "kid" is at college. And parents who email their adult children's professors or prospective employers. I think it's just plain weird, but maybe because of all the pressure on young people today in college and the workforce, some parents just feel like they can't help but "help" all the time, and they lose sight of the fact that they are not really helping their adult children to be independent.

I see some of this in my kids' sports events. Some parents get really worked up over every little thing. I can't figure out why they care so much. Then I wonder if I'm just a slacker because I don't care that much. But I have my own life and I want to be a good example to my kids about being committed to meaningful things in my life that don't always have to do with my role as a mom. I want them to see me as a whole person. I don't know that you can do that if you are always, always managing your kids' lives to a great extent.

[HollyBearsMom]

Ok so we got talking about this at lunch and boy can the conversation get heated!!

In regards to doing your kids projects, researching term papers, negotiating better grades for your kids,etc the general consensus is that:

1) all the parents do this. If you don't your kid just looks bad.
2) everything is so competitive if you don't help there goes college, a good job, etc
3) the teacher give the projects, homework, etc expecting the parents to help otherwise they wouldn't be "so hard".
4) if you don't advocate for your kids (meaning negotiate grades, xtra homework) your child will "fall thru cracks"

It was really sad actually. These woman truly believe that in order for their children to be successful you basically have to allow them to cheat.

[violet_]

I can tell you as a college professor they are so annoying! I have students who are 20 years old and their parents call and email me about grades, assignments, etc. It really makes them look bad, and anyway I'm not allowed to discuss grades with parents, as my students are adults. When I got a particularly annoying letter once, I (sarcastically) asked my mother to write the student's mother back, as apparently it's not a matter for students and professors anymore.

Some parents really have trouble letting the kids live their own lives and make their own mistakes so they can learn from them.

[karina5]

Helicopter parenting is in no way positive, and has nothing to do w/ AP. It is bad. I've dealt w/ helicopter parents and they are doing a HUGE disservice to their children. It is not "caring" for them, it is their own fear coming through that they are projecting on their children.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl

. Like parents who call their kids every day even though the "kid" is at college.

This seems totally normal to me. Perhaps that is just due to the relationship I have with my kids though... I dunno. My mother and I spoke nearly every day long after I was an adult, married with children etc. Now if they were calling constantly and hounding them or being otherwise intrusive, that's a different thing. Just calling to chat and stay connected is totally fine in my book.

I agree that emailing employers and getting nutso over kids sports is no good though.

[GuildJenn]

I agree that there is a possibility for over-involvement, especially when a child is older, and especially when it comes to competitive environments - higher ed, sports, etc.

But I really hate to see the term "helicopter parent" thrown around with abandon, and especially at parents of younger children, which is what I'm addressing here. I think AP parents sometimes get flack that way - "if he sleeps in your bed he'll never move out and will never sleep alone and will pick up prostitutes and beg them to sleep with him!" - "if you don't let them cry they'll never learn to deal with negative emotions!" - "if you don't teach them the harsh reality right now they'll never succeed in life EVER EVER EVER!"

I do not think it is sound RESPONSIVE parenting to set up a fear that's 10 years down the line - "I don't want to be one of those helicopter parents!" - and then detach from our child's experience right now in order to meet that standard.

We need to support parents in watching where their kids are, what the "next step" is, and what's okay to still support. Some kids are ready to navigate the shoving around the slide at 3, some are ready at 6.

I think we need to ease up on the judgment. Following one's kid around at the playground is not the end of the world one way or another. We don't know that person's whole story.

I am freaky about choking with my son, who's 2.5. I'm freaky BECAUSE my daughter asphyxiated during labour and I watched her have seizures, saw her brain damage on various scans, and held her as she died. Sorry to the entire world who would like me to let my son have whole almonds, but that's my quirk. Deal with it... I feel sure my son and I will, when the time is right.

Let's ban helicopter villaging!

[cinnamongrrl]

I'd actually be thrilled if my kids wanted to talk to me every day when they go off to college, but I'm planning to let them take the lead. Checking in with them daily sounds good. But honestly, I do not want them calling me every day from college if it would mean that they are not making their own decisions independently enough. In the article I read about helicopter parents, it was talking about young adults getting out of class and immediately calling Mom to complain about a test, or their awful professor who didn't understand that they DESERVE an "A", and that sort of thing.

[ChrisCountryGirl]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I agree that there is a possibility for over-involvement, especially when a child is older, and especially when it comes to competitive environments - higher ed, sports, etc.

But I really hate to see the term "helicopter parent" thrown around with abandon, and especially at parents of younger children, which is what I'm addressing here. I think AP parents sometimes get flack that way - "if he sleeps in your bed he'll never move out and will never sleep alone and will pick up prostitutes and beg them to sleep with him!" - "if you don't let them cry they'll never learn to deal with negative emotions!" - "if you don't teach them the harsh reality right now they'll never succeed in life EVER EVER EVER!"

I do not think it is sound RESPONSIVE parenting to set up a fear that's 10 years down the line - "I don't want to be one of those helicopter parents!" - and then detach from our child's experience right now in order to meet that standard.

We need to support parents in watching where their kids are, what the "next step" is, and what's okay to still support. Some kids are ready to navigate the shoving around the slide at 3, some are ready at 6.

I think we need to ease up on the judgment. Following one's kid around at the playground is not the end of the world one way or another. We don't know that person's whole story.

I am freaky about choking with my son, who's 2.5. I'm freaky BECAUSE my daughter asphyxiated during labour and I watched her have seizures, saw her brain damage on various scans, and held her as she died. Sorry to the entire world who would like me to let my son have whole almonds, but that's my quirk. Deal with it... I feel sure my son and I will, when the time is right.

Let's ban helicopter villaging!

I wouldn't let a 2-3yr. old have an almond either. I'd be too concerened about the possibility of choking or nut allergies.

[nonibradshaw]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I agree that there is a possibility for over-involvement, especially when a child is older, and especially when it comes to competitive environments - higher ed, sports, etc.

But I really hate to see the term "helicopter parent" thrown around with abandon, and especially at parents of younger children, which is what I'm addressing here. I think AP parents sometimes get flack that way - "if he sleeps in your bed he'll never move out and will never sleep alone and will pick up prostitutes and beg them to sleep with him!" - "if you don't let them cry they'll never learn to deal with negative emotions!" - "if you don't teach them the harsh reality right now they'll never succeed in life EVER EVER EVER!"

I do not think it is sound RESPONSIVE parenting to set up a fear that's 10 years down the line - "I don't want to be one of those helicopter parents!" - and then detach from our child's experience right now in order to meet that standard.

We need to support parents in watching where their kids are, what the "next step" is, and what's okay to still support. Some kids are ready to navigate the shoving around the slide at 3, some are ready at 6.

I think we need to ease up on the judgment. Following one's kid around at the playground is not the end of the world one way or another. We don't know that person's whole story.

I am freaky about choking with my son, who's 2.5. I'm freaky BECAUSE my daughter asphyxiated during labour and I watched her have seizures, saw her brain damage on various scans, and held her as she died. Sorry to the entire world who would like me to let my son have whole almonds, but that's my quirk. Deal with it... I feel sure my son and I will, when the time is right.

Let's ban helicopter villaging!

[karina5]

I find a world of difference b/w closely watching a child on the playground (NOT helicoptering ) vs. helping kids cheat to do well in school. I also don't find parents that talk to their college age kids to be helicoptering. LIke UnSchoolnma said, that is just part of their relationship.

Plus, I think it is usually more accurate to use this descriptor in older kids.

I think the term "helicoptering" is getting lost.

HERE is an example of a helicpoter parent:

I used to hire a lot of college students. One day I get a call from an irate father DEMANDING to know why I did not hire his daughter. This guy was truly being a jerk, plus, his daughter was 20 years old!!!!!!! I could not even legally discuss anything about her application (if I could he would have found out that TWO of darling daughter's former employers said she STOLE from them, LOL).

This type of thing actually happened a few times. And I have friends that are teachers who have given examples already mentioned in this thread.

Let's not dilute the negativity of helicoptering w/ examples that don't pertain, such as watching a child closely on the playground.

[Demeter9]

If you cross the line of protecting your children from growing up and become who they are then you are going too far.

[Cheshire]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

Ok so we got talking about this at lunch and boy can the conversation get heated!!

In regards to doing your kids projects, researching term papers, negotiating better grades for your kids,etc the general consensus is that:

1) all the parents do this. If you don't your kid just looks bad.
2) everything is so competitive if you don't help there goes college, a good job, etc
3) the teacher give the projects, homework, etc expecting the parents to help otherwise they wouldn't be "so hard".
4) if you don't advocate for your kids (meaning negotiate grades, xtra homework) your child will "fall thru cracks"

It was really sad actually. These woman truly believe that in order for their children to be successful you basically have to allow them to cheat.

Ugh! Sure, they get their kids into a good school and help them find a good job but then what? That adult child has to learn all the lessons they should have learned when they were a teenager, but now they get to learn them in front of their grown co-workers and boss. Are those moms going to call the boss when their son/daughter gets a bad review at work? Are they going to deal with a customer that may take issue with their son/daughter's behavior? Are they going to have to constantly prop their child up when no one at work really likes them because they don't have the social skills to take care of themselves?

These moms will eventually have to let go and when they do if the child isn't prepared it will be a disaster - or they'll have to take care of them for the rest of their lives. Not a choice I relish either way.

It is a form of child abuse because the kids will be paying for it for the rest of their lives. They won't have a clue how to stand up for themselves or accept disappointment. If they are fortunate enough to figure it out once they are adults they still have a long road to go as they learn these life lessons at such a late age.

[thebarkingbird]

i see this with young children too and i just know they're headed for a life where they're either afraid to go away to college or their parents HAVE to check on them daily because they've rendered the kids completely defenseless.

i watch my child VERY closely but he is 4 now and i always give him a chance to negotiate situations on his own before i step in. i don't wan to be like MIL who insists that SIL do XYZ, hounds her endlessly, negotiates jobs for her, fills out school applications, calls her and tells her when to come home then wakes her with breakfast for work when SIL is hung over, fixes her plate at dinner, and is completely confused why the 19yo woman in her house has no direction in life.

i know some people who have taught elementry shcool and i wonder if the PP's friends would be surprised to know that almost all of them say they give higher grades to well done projects that were obviously done by the kids themselves. if the kids keep getting lower than expected grades it may be beacause teacher sniff the parental over management.

there's nothing wrong with being close. i'm a married mother of two and i speak with my mom every day. she helps with many of my family tasks but we both know that i am the boss of my house and she is the boss of hers. she allowed me to develop my own personal power and attain my own sphere of influence.

i can kind of sympathize with those over protective parents though. i am only just now seeing how hard it must have been for my mother to watch me bang my head against the wall, throwing away opportunities left and right until i learned. i'm sure it was hard for her to resist calling my college and begging them to keep me even though i'd clearly blown the school thing off. i hope i will be able to give my sons the same trust and respect.

[siobhang]

To respond to OP: um, helicopter parent = bad.

but then that is kind of the definition of a helicopter parent, right?

Reminds me of a time I asked a guy "what do you think of date rape?" He replied "uh, I am against it, of course!".

: )

the real question is what is the difference btw involved and over involved.

A friend of mine recently got a call from the father of a 22 year old employee saying she was sick. She replied to the father, "Unless she is in the hospital or comotose, I expect her to be the one to call me."

She has also gotten calls from parents following up on interviews she had with their kids. A big turn off.