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I want to be a mommy. Is this normal for my age?

post #1 of 37
Thread Starter 
Oh I've never posted to this thread.
Sorry but I wasn't sure where to post this since there seems to be no place for it. Thank goodness there is a group out there for men and women like me that would like children but cannot have them at the current time.

I've just been having these feelings for a long time. Everything I see a family I just want to cry. Every time I see my parents take my brother out to his activities I feel this deep emptiness.

It is normal for a 20-year-old girl that cannot have a child at this moment to think this way? It is driving me insane.

I just have so many things I have to do before I can even think about adopting or conceiving a child of my own.

Examples are I have to complete college, I'm not yet marry to my Fiancé, we don't have stable jobs, a savings, others things along those lines, and we don't have a house.

So it would be selfish of me to bring a child into the world under these conditions.

Is this a normal feeling? How can I deal with wanting to be a mom? It’s a dream I've always wanted. But my Fiancé saying I'd be a wonderful mother, or my mom saying you should be a teacher like me because I'm so good with kids, other people begging me to watch there children, and kids themselves drawn to me. Doesn't help.

I'm going insane. How can I deal with these feelings?
post #2 of 37
Thats biology sister. I hear you.
I attend births. Just being at births makes you ovulate.... But just keep your eye on what you want to acheive before you have babes. I know it may be a long way away, its tough. I have to go to midwifery school, find a partner, practice as a midwife and pay my student loans and save up before I can have kids, it seems like forever! At least 5 more years...
In other words, yes its normal. However, you need to make sure that your maternal desire is not something a bit deeper, that it is indeed just a thirst for a fam. If its too strong you might want to check out your motivations for it. Unreconciled issues between families, a feeling of being unloved, and other things sometimes drive us to want to have babies to fill that void. A baby wont fill the void that is meant for someone else, so having babies won't help that, so its a good thing to examine and think about before we have babies.
Not saying that is the case but if you are concerned about the strength of your maternal cravings its something you may want to consider.
post #3 of 37
...I know how you feel.

A year after I graduated high school I had really wanted to have children. Those feelings got really strong when I was 19 and in massage school. I graduated, got married to my high school sweetheart and got preggo 3 weeks later.

I know this doesn't help much but I do know how you feel, these are very normal feelings!
post #4 of 37
Hang in there! I'm 29 and TTC #1, though I have wanted a baby forever! Go to college, get married and enjoy your life together, if that's something you want to do also. You might be a much happier mom if you achieve some of the goals you have set for yourself, plus, life outside of college is much different than while in it. Yes, there are age constraints for getting pregnant (we've been trying for 7 months for #1), and I wish we'd have started a bit earlier, but personally, I am very happy to have gotten my degree and been able to spend wonderful one-on-one time with my DH. We've grown a lot over the years (I met him when I was 20, been married for the last 5 1/2) and bringing a baby into our home at this point will be a great experience. I don't think I could've said that when we were both first working 70+ hours per week (I'm not anymore) and when we were still figuring out how to fully compromise with each other. Plus, we've had some great conversations about how we want to raise our children and discussed our differences. We did that in college some, but our opinions have changed a little since then, especially after being able to watch how others we worked with and have been around have raised theirs. My urge to have children has gone up and down like a rollercoaster, though it's never really gone away. There is no "right" time to have kids as there's always some goal to achieve, but list out your priorities and have your fiance write down his. Maybe decide which ones to focus on now before getting married or having kids and those that you want after each of those. And by all means, if you think you have a gift with children, and you enjoy using that gift, check into your career options so you can use it. (Of course, sometimes watching certain kids is enough to make you want to wait a bit longer.... or wish you could just jump in and be the mom you've been wanting to be!)
post #5 of 37
First, I think it's completely normal and natural.

Second... I know I'm probably in the minority, but... I don't consider all of those reasons to be valid binding reasons to not have a kid yet.

In fact, I have real trouble comprehending why on earth you should go to college FIRST, then get a job, and THEN have kids. Why not... Get a job till you have kids when you're young... then when your kids are grown enough, go to college and get a degree-requiring job. That way you don't have to "sacrifice" your career in order to have kids, or spend all your money on childcare.

That probably doesn't help you much, I know. To be honest, ... I never really dealt with those feelings except to get married and have my DD. I'll go to college later. When my kids are all grown enough to go to school or move out of my house, I'll only be 45 or 50... That's certainly not too old to learn, but it IS too old to have any more kids, so this "either or" mentality will never be dealt with by me.

I just wanted to tell you it's perfectly normal-- because NOW is the best time for your body to be having kids.
post #6 of 37
, you are totally normal for feeling this way. i knew my entire life that i wanted to be a mom, and while i can't say that i PLANNED for it to happen this way, i am 22 and due in 5 weeks with my third.

someone once said if you wait for the perfect time to have kids, that time will never come.

listen to your heart AND your mind.. i know sometimes its hard to do both, but things will be okay.
post #7 of 37
When you think about it, we begin our fertile phase of life as early as 11 years old. Simply being fertile doesn't make us ready to have children, though. But the fertility cycles can make us acutely aware of our desire to have them.

I want to give you a big congratulations on trying to keep your focus on your goals that you want to achieve before you have kids. I totally disagree with the poster who suggested have your kids before you get your education.

We NEVER know what life is going to throw at us. And if you have children, I think the most responsible thing is to have prepared yourself to get out there and earn a living to provide for them if you are unable to stay home. If something happened that you had to get out and be the breadwinner for your children, and you had no college education, what options would you have? Flipping burgers doesn't pay well.

Stick with your goals. Get your education, get settled with your fiancé and create a family that can support children. Meanwhile, spend time with nieces and nephews or little brothers or friends' children. Or get a job apprenticing with a midwife, or train to be a doula. Babysit. Whatever, to get a baby fix until the time is right for you.
post #8 of 37
Originally Posted by saimeiyu View Post
First, I think it's completely normal and natural.

Second... I know I'm probably in the minority, but... I don't consider all of those reasons to be valid binding reasons to not have a kid yet.

I just wanted to tell you it's perfectly normal-- because NOW is the best time for your body to be having kids.
I aggree, DH and I can't seem to do anything in the right order we bought our house, then got married. I have an ass/ degree in something not really related at all. and we are TTC #1!

Much love, and do what you feel is right in your heart. Talk to your DF and see what page he is on. I do feel that if you and DF can't talk about something your arn't ready yet. That also doesn't mean that you can't get prepared!
post #9 of 37
I felt exactly the way that you do now when I was 20. I married my dh when I was 20 (right after he graduated from college -- he then went to grad school, and I finished my degree). Ds was conceived the month that I graduated from college (I was a month shy of being 24 at the time -- I had taken some time off because of completely unrelated issues).

My suggestion is to wait until you have your degree, and probably until you're married. I don't agree with the mindset that you have to have everything perfectly in order to have a baby, but a little time, a little security (a degree and/or knowing what interests you and having that experience), and a little savings go a long way. Use this time now to get your ducks in a row in other ways -- scrutinize your eating habits, your buying/saving habits, talk with your fiance about your goals, learn everything you can about the natural process of birth, learn about parenting, and most importantly take the time to learn about yourself and your future husband.

Even people who wait until they have everything in order financially and until they've "lived" a little can have a really hard time with parenthood because they haven't learned to budget, to eat well, to carve time for themselves and each other, to fully understand what they're embracing when they have a child -- they think of the financial issues and the lifestyle changes, but those are changeable from person to person. Take some time now to set up good habits and acquire understanding and to make sure that your relationship with your future partner is rock solid -- those things will serve you more as a parent than a certain dollar figure in the bank, or a certain number of years spent as a single woman. Having a vocation in addition to motherhood, though, is incredibly important.
post #10 of 37
I'be been emotionally ready to be a mom since I graduate high school. I had been with my (then bf) DH for 4 months when I essentially woke up one morning just *Knowing* and an ache in my heart. It hasn't gone away. How do I deal with it while I get my life in order? I immerse myself in all things family/baby. I'm getting myself and my body int he best possible health for a pregnancy and birth. I'm switching my home over to more natural and kid friendly cleaning and remedies. I'm eating more organic. I'm learning about parenting and childbirth.

THe last few years I have been studying to be a doula, and will be attending my first birth in a few weeks. If I can't be birthing my own babies, at least I can help others birth theirs, right?

And lastly, and the thing most people freak out about, but soothes my soul perhaps the most... is that I buy things for my babies. Everytime I'm feeling down or especially wanting, I go browse sales, or value village, etc and I pick up some incredibly cute baby clothes, accessories. I save a ton of money in the meantime, only getting things VERY cheap, and it makes me feel like at least I'm doing something towards making it easier for us to have kids. BEcause I have so much prepared already, it's one less large financial purchase we'll need to make. I don't have to put out hundreds of dollars for clothes and blankets, as I've already gotten almost everything I'll need. Crazy for some, but healing for me. When I get super sa, I take out the rubbermaid tubs, dump them on the bed, and spend a few hours going through them, and daydreaming. Whatever works, right?

I'm now looking at a shorter countdown finally, but it's dependant on DH getting his career started, which will probably be another 2 years. It's better than the 6 it used to be, but still seems so far away.
post #11 of 37
I felt this way from the time I was 8, at least. I waited until 26 to conceive, and I think it was a really good decision, though it was REALLY hard at the time. I wanted to conceive the day I graduated highschool. Then the day I graduated college... But I waited about 3 years after college to help get my life in order and to wait for my DP to be ready too. It was worth it, because there's so much less to stress over now, I can really just enjoy this. I have a lot more security now because I know I can get a job and support myself and the child if necessary, I know how to budget and save and live within my means. I've been through some things in the last few years that were life altering, and I know that I can deal with change.

Waiting, however, was REALLY REALLY hard. I remember being in college and calculating which month I could conceive in in order to not give birth until after graduation. And crying when I realized that I needed to wait longer than that. For me, it helped to cultivate non-baby oriented activities. Jeninejessica's approach would've killed me, I think, though it obviously works for some. I did better with distraction. I joined all sorts of outdoor groups with people my age, went kayaking, canoeing, camping, windsurfing, white water rafting, etc... I threw myself into my academic work. I travelled to China and Eastern Europe. I basically developed a life where I didn't have time for a baby. It worked pretty well. Then a year or so ago, I deliberately slowed down and started planning to conceive.

I'll have this baby at age 27, so I most likely have a few fertile years left, too.
post #12 of 37
Hi There,
I think what you're feeling is COMPLETELY normal. In the months leading up to the conception of my DD, my body would literally ache with longing every time I heard a baby cry or walked past a pregnant woman. Its very strange how your body/hormones seem to pull you in the direction of having children, or, in some of my girlfriend's cases, push you completely in the opposite direction
post #13 of 37
You're not nuts. This is completely normal . Funny I should stumble upon this thread, I had a touching conversation with my 19-year-old DD1 shortly after DD3 was born in May 2007. She basically expressed to me this deep-seeded desire for a baby of her own. After seeing me through my own pregnancy, being there right after DD3 was born, basically being a second parent, in a sense, to the baby, I really am not surprised she felt like this. And she's very much in the same position as you - 19, in a long-term relationship with her BF of four years, she's got her own place, but she's in second year at university and has so many other things she wants to do before "settling".

Of course, I'm not going to encourage her to have a baby nor will I encourage you, but I agree with one of the PP's... who says college has to come before family? If everyone waited for the "right" time to have a baby, no babies would be born! I suggest you really look at this from different stances, the positives and negatives of the situation before you make a decision. Good luck, sweetie .
post #14 of 37
I got pregnant with my son at age 19 and have never regretted it, not for a minute! I always knew I wanted to have babies and be a mother and I took the chance as soon as i could support myself and a child.

I would suggest getting married first and making absolutely sure that you want to be with your partner forever because it's a bummer to not get to have your kiddo be raised in an intact family unit, it just is harder for the kids and yourself. my son lives with me 60% of the time and his dad 40% of the time. i miss him when he's not with me and I am sure his dad feels the same.

i think marriage is really great and I always have wanted to be married, it provides me with a sense of spiritual fulfillment and security in a practical way. i am now married to the man I love more than I could have imagined and am so happy. everyone has their own individual path and mine was to do it this way.

personally I think it is a great diservice to women to tell them to wait until they're in their thirties to have a family because getting pregnant gets harder and having healthy outcomes gets harder the older you get. not to say that you cant have a perfectly great pregnancy in your thirties but statistically it may be harder to achieve.

also college degrees are not all they're cracked up to be. my husband went to a technical school for 2 years and has a very good salary and a secure job because he is talented and personable, not because he got an expensive 6 year degree. my father is a very successful bussiness owner and he never graduated college. i on the other hand have 30,000$ in student loans and am a sahm! yikes!
post #15 of 37

Totally normal to feel that way.

I had my daughter at 20 and did a little college before that, my then fiancee had a stable job. After our daughter was born he ended up jobless for the 1st 6months of her life and we managed with living in a very high cost of living area.
We got married when she was 8months old.

post #16 of 37
Originally Posted by saimeiyu View Post
First, I think it's completely normal and natural.

Second... I know I'm probably in the minority, but... I don't consider all of those reasons to be valid binding reasons to not have a kid yet.
I agree. There will never be a good time to have a kid. There will ALWAYS be something in the way. Once you are pregnant and have a baby you may find they fit into your lifestyle just fine. Having a baby at a younger age did not wreck my life one tiny bit.
post #17 of 37
Originally Posted by arismama! View Post

i think marriage is really great and I always have wanted to be married, it provides me with a sense of spiritual fulfillment and security in a practical way. i am now married to the man I love more than I could have imagined and am so happy. everyone has their own individual path and mine was to do it this way.

I am single by choice, and really I have always marriage was a silly waste of time. What you just wrote was so insightful.
post #18 of 37
I was just thinking about this today after seeing a disturbing commercial for Maury's talk show this morning in which 14 yr old girls were being basically abused and ridiculed for wanting babies. I'm certainly not advocating or encouraging young teens to choose to have a baby but I feel like our society has decided anyone unmarried, under age 25 or 30 and/or low income should NEVER consider having a child. Unfortunately, several hundred thousand years of evolution and biology are screaming otherwise at us.

I wanted, actively WANTED and longed for, a baby from age 15 or 16. I often threw caution to the wind with boyfriends and skipped birth control pills hoping for an "accident". I would daydream about what I would name my baby and fantasize about cuddling it and nursing it and every time my period was late I would feel excited. Looking back I can honestly say this was unrelated to bad parenting or lack of love or immaturity- I would have and could have been a solidly responsible parent even at that age as MANY girls are, all over the world. There is nothing wrong or shameful in wanting a baby at any age. However, there is something to be said for being independent and able to support yourself and your own baby, and to be free to be the kind of parent you'd want to be- ie, not having to work night and day just to make rent.

At 19 I did become pregnant and miscarried, and at 21 miscarried again, both unplanned but caused by my deliberate carelessness. I would have been more than happy to have both of those children and often "miss" my first baby especially (because I carried him 3 months), who I strongly felt was a boy and would be 6 yrs old this August. I think the social stigma of young mothers is unnatural and unnecessary. I finally had my daughter at age 22 I think anyone who wants a baby, who is of sound emotional and mental condition, and who can meet the baby's needs without undue hardship, should be free to have one. I don't think anyone needs to be married, have a house, or have perfect lives. Just reasonably able to give themselves and the baby a good, happy, healthy home environment. If you don't feel you can do this yet, work towards your goals and you will get there.
post #19 of 37
Wow, you are me 5 years ago. I remember distinctly telling my BIL's baby-mom that i was so jealous of her being pregnant all the while she was trying to figure out "what to do about the pregnancy" (keep it or not). It was so hard. I watched a few friends, my SIL, and BIL's GF all have unwanted pregnancies and babies. I was in school, not married yet, not stable finantially at all and yet I had this STRONG desire for a baby.

The thing that got me through it and able to hold off till I was 23 was:

1) school is an excellent distraction. Hard to find time for sex when you are working or in school for 90 hours a week.

2) realizing I wanted a BABY, not a kid. I couldn't imagine this baby being older than like 6 months. I told myself I wouldn't actively TTC till I could imagine myself with at least a 3 y/o. After 3, it would come with experience.

3)Depo induced lack of ovulation. That was not intentional and I wouldn't recommend that route. I was off BC and very sporatic with condoms for nearly 2 years before getting pregnant with DD.
post #20 of 37
You seem very mature for your age.

When my friends and I was 20 that last thing we wanted was a kid, we didn't even like being around them, so our 20 year old selves would say that 'no you are not normal'. Part of me still doesn't thinks that a typical 20 year old thinks about wanting kids and badly as you talk about it.

I think it's great that you acknowledge that you have a lot to accomplish and I hope that you do accomplish those before you have kids. You are still very young and have plenty of time to have fun and 'act' your age. Revel in it.

You'll get there one day.
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