"Living like a welfare case" - DH - Page 2

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by 2Sweeties1Angel

I'm not understanding this. You say your income will be ending. Does that mean you're planning to SAH? Why is it ok for you to SAH and spend time with the kids, but your DH needs be gone all the time and not have any fun? That sounds like a serious double standard to me.

As a sahm, believe me, its not all fun. The OP has 6 kids which is a handful and a lot of busy time. And also, this dh has had his fun and now he is going to have to pay for his fun and work to pay for it which will mean time away from his family sadly. Once the debt or spending habits change, then he can worry about fun.

[Mom2Joseph]

My DH struggles with feeling "deprived" at various times and it IS very difficult. I started on the road to frugality out of necessity. It then became fun, a choice and a value/belief system! We both are much more into it because we "choose" this not because we are "desparate".

My DH still struggles though, and when he does, look out! Major money blowing.... I want to pull my hair out.

My saving grace is that he is a workaholic. I mean work IS his vice. And he makes good money too.

Are there small, little things you can do for him so your DH doesnt' feel like a "welfare case"? Sometimes buying name brand is a serious boost for my DH. If I plan carefully it doesn't impact our budget too much.

Maybe counseling would be a place to start?

Hugs mama

[CityChic]

Your husband and mine sound very similar. For my DH it has everything to do with how he was raised. If he can't have the cool techie gadgets, cash, a debit card and the ability to spend money on "stuff" he doesn't feel "complete".

We are committed to fulifilling our needs first and understanding our wants and if they are really important to us. It has taken us 6 years to get here. It's not perfect and we still get frustrated with one another. It can be done but will require more patience and understanding than you even know you have.

[mnnice]

Originally Posted by mommyofmany

He got a job offer at work from a customer, and I told him to call him on it, just to get the details. I asked him what if it pays double or triple what you make now? Wouldn't you want that for your family? He then says he'd never be home (there'd be lots of traveling involved), get to do anything fun, etc. I understand that, but if it means we're better off, I think it would be worth it.

He hasn't called about it yet : .

Having a partner that travels a lot with six children would be stressful to both of you (especially if depression is already in the mix). My partner travels an average of 5-6 days per month and I have two kids.
It's stressful for me both on the days I WOH and on the days I am home (although it's very different stress if the makes any sense).

It's also stressful for my partner (although he gets to eat in good resturants: without kids making racket).

And it stressful to our children (although once they are old enough to understand that Daddy's working and hasn't just stepped out indefinitely it's a lot better).

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by Amys1st

As a sahm, believe me, its not all fun. The OP has 6 kids which is a handful and a lot of busy time. And also, this dh has had his fun and now he is going to have to pay for his fun and work to pay for it which will mean time away from his family sadly. Once the debt or spending habits change, then he can worry about fun.

Thanks Amy! Being a SAHM is HARD and stressful, but I handle it OK. DH has plenty of fun - he hunts, goes fishing, goes to his friend's house to BS 7 watch the fights, etc. It's hard for *me* to find time to do fun things actually.

Originally Posted by Mom2Joseph

My DH struggles with feeling "deprived" at various times and it IS very difficult. I started on the road to frugality out of necessity. It then became fun, a choice and a value/belief system! We both are much more into it because we "choose" this not because we are "desparate".

My DH still struggles though, and when he does, look out! Major money blowing.... I want to pull my hair out.

My saving grace is that he is a workaholic. I mean work IS his vice. And he makes good money too.

Are there small, little things you can do for him so your DH doesnt' feel like a "welfare case"? Sometimes buying name brand is a serious boost for my DH. If I plan carefully it doesn't impact our budget too much.

Maybe counseling would be a place to start?

Hugs mama

Thank you, I'm looking into counseling .

Originally Posted by CityChic

Your husband and mine sound very similar. For my DH it has everything to do with how he was raised. If he can't have the cool techie gadgets, cash, a debit card and the ability to spend money on "stuff" he doesn't feel "complete".

We are committed to fulifilling our needs first and understanding our wants and if they are really important to us. It has taken us 6 years to get here. It's not perfect and we still get frustrated with one another. It can be done but will require more patience and understanding than you even know you have.

That's how mine is too. His friend or boss has cool gadgets, then he wants the same thing. We just can't do it, and DH doesn't realize that.

Originally Posted by mnnice

Having a partner that travels a lot with six children would be stressful to both of you (especially if depression is already in the mix). My partner travels an average of 5-6 days per month and I have two kids.
It's stressful for me both on the days I WOH and on the days I am home (although it's very different stress if the makes any sense).

It's also stressful for my partner (although he gets to eat in good resturants: without kids making racket).

And it stressful to our children (although once they are old enough to understand that Daddy's working and hasn't just stepped out indefinitely it's a lot better).

I know it would be stressful, but we could do it, I know we could. If he was making 2x or 3x what he is now, that would be a HUGE load off of my shoulders.

[Mamatolea]

I would tell him that if he wants to buy his frivoulous, then he has to make that extra money on his own.

When my DH wants to spend money on something, he sells one of his "other" toys to pay for it, or he runs a small business selling vinyl decals and lettering so he puts a little more time into that to pay for extras.

If he can't do that, then he can't spend it! Treat him like a child if you have to and restrict access to the accounts....but then you might get into him opening credit cards...

I wish you luck with this!!!

[cappuccinosmom]

sorry. but in real life some "welfare cases" i know have it better then we do(we only get state healthcare right now and wic at the end of this month)

I was just going to post that!

Entitlement attitudes can make life difficult.

I wonder if the OPs husband has considered the future. Not budgeting and living off credit may make him feel like he's "wealthy", but that will catch up with him at some point. Better to budget now and live well but frugally and be able to enjoy life later on, or be 80 years old are *on* welfare because he didn't budget?

[highlandmum]

Ohh ((hugs)) it is hard when one member of the house doesn't want to 'do what it takes' --- I'm sure you'll get through it though!

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by Mamatolea

I would tell him that if he wants to buy his frivoulous, then he has to make that extra money on his own.

When my DH wants to spend money on something, he sells one of his "other" toys to pay for it, or he runs a small business selling vinyl decals and lettering so he puts a little more time into that to pay for extras.

If he can't do that, then he can't spend it! Treat him like a child if you have to and restrict access to the accounts....but then you might get into him opening credit cards...

I wish you luck with this!!!

Thank you; I hope we can get through this & be sane.

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

I was just going to post that!

Entitlement attitudes can make life difficult.

I wonder if the OPs husband has considered the future. Not budgeting and living off credit may make him feel like he's "wealthy", but that will catch up with him at some point. Better to budget now and live well but frugally and be able to enjoy life later on, or be 80 years old are *on* welfare because he didn't budget?

I don't know how far ahead he really thinks. Not much, I guess. I hope to cahnge that.

Originally Posted by mallieandjoolsmum

Ohh ((hugs)) it is hard when one member of the house doesn't want to 'do what it takes' --- I'm sure you'll get through it though!

I know we will too. It'll just take some work .

Thanks!

[Emmeline II]

You should take a look at "You Need A Budget Pro". You can download from your bank account to the program.

For free you can sit down with your dh, you monthly income and expensed. Read the amounts of your bills to him one by one as he subtracts them. Then (if you haven't yet) calculate payments on debt, retirement accounts, and 529s. You can only spend what you have.

[1growingsprout]

Is it possible for you to watch an extra child or 2 for daycare? This way you can stay home and have a bit of income, probaby 100/week /kid.
I watch a little girl overnights and the cash comes in handy

[BusyBeeMom]

So sorry. I'm separating from my husband and this was a HUGE, HUGE reason. He had us hurtling toward bankruptcy. If he really thinks this way, and is not open to changing, it's just going to get tougher. We did the "spending" account thing - he would just transfer $$ into his from the joint checking or rack up CC bills. Even when I was still working f/t, and we had quite a nice income, he overspent. You can overspend at ANY income level. And since poverty is largely a state of mind (poor me, why can't I have what the Jones' have) and there will always be someone who has more, he will ALWAYS feel like this. We had a great income, NO mortgage, NO car note, healthy kids, good insurance, etc etc etc and he still felt poor.

We talked, I pleaded, I tried giving him control of finances, I tried taking control myself, I tried everything...he is not going to change. So now he's moved out, and continuing to rack up debt.

I would do some serious thinking about what's realistic, what your family can manage with/on, and give DH the bottom line. I really hope for you that he can shape up.

[Mama~Love]

Here's the email he sent me yesterday morning:

"Hello sweetie. How is your day going so far? Good I hope. Just wanted to tell you that I love you and say how much you make me happy. Like I have said before I can not imagine not being with you. I never knew how good life could be in till I met you. It only gets better every minutes that I am with you. I am sorry that I have been so obsessed about get a boat. I guess I am just like a little kid. I just get really excited about the thought of maybe getting a boat. Well I got to get going LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!! "


We are meeting with a banker on Monday to help get our finances in order. We are not sure what we should pay off with our taxes, and are looking to get our mortgage refinanced. Maybe if we get this straightened out, he'll think twice about the boat.

[cdahlgrd]

In my experience, if you can't figure out how to live on your current salary, it will NEVER matter how much you make, he/you will always spend more.

Also, if you get separate accounts, it could just be one more place to get overdraft fees! (ask me how I know!)

[mommyddeville]

My husband and I really saw money and finances differently when we got married. For us, it took me pointing out what different people had and didn't have for him to relax about "stuff." He loves having our kids, so I point out that the people without kids have more money for new fun stuff. Or he really likes that I'm home with the kids, so I point out that some people with fancy stuff have 2 wage earners.

It took me writing up a budget with all of our income vs. expenses and showing him that there was NO extra money, in order for him to really stop asking about stuff. Now, he knows that if he wants something extra, he has to find a way to work for extra $$ for it.

But we're stronger for it now. . . not splitting up!

[Sharlla]

We made 26K last year. Two things that allow us to live very comfortably is that we do not buy on credit and we live in a low cost of living area.