Wwyd?

[MtBikeLover]

When we had our second child, my H and really started to have serious conversations about who would take our children if we died. We both decided together that my mom and dad would be the best because of the relationship that the kids have with my parents (they are very close to them and see them a lot). The kids do not have that kind of relationship with anyone else and my parents were excellent with the kids.

So, I asked my mom and she was of course very touched. It was a very emotional and she said “I was hoping you would ask me. Of course we will take the kids if anything happens.”

Fast forward to 4 months later. My H started having second thoughts because he has decided that he doesn’t really like my dad. I can understand some of his concerns with my dad (although I still feel that my parents are the best because of the relationship they have with the kids and because they would be willing to move into our house and raise the kids so they wouldn't need to be uprooted) so we started discussing what our other options were. He wants his brother to take the kids and that is really the only other option available to us. It turned into a pretty heated discussion (because our kids don’t know his brother’s family – only seen them 3x in 5 years and live 2,000 miles from us so our kids would have to be uprooted and they already have 3 kids) and caused some problems in our marriage, but in the end, I agreed because there is such a small chance of anything happening to us that I wasn’t willing to let this affect our marriage.

So, would you tell your mom that you had changed your mind, knowing that it would really hurt her and cause some emotional pain or would you just not mention it since there is a small chance of anything like this ever happening and maybe write a letter in the will that would explain why the decision was made?

[onlyzombiecat]

Don't let your mom find out when you die that you changed your minds.

I'm sure it will hurt her feelings now but potentially finding out when she is already grief stricken and thinking the whole time that she is going to take care of the kids would be a cruel blow. I don't think the nicest letter would help.

[GardenStream]

It doesn't really sound to me like you are on board with this decision. I think this is a huge decision and something you really should be at peace with.

Once you hit that point (maybe you're already there), I think you absolutely need to tell your mom that you have changed your mind. It would be doubly devastating for her to find out through a letter that you had changed your mind. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, but to add feelings of rejection on top of that would be cruel.

[phathui5]

Have you already changed your will?

[MtBikeLover]

No - and there is not even a will yet - we haven't gotten around to doing it. It's all just been verbal discussions with people.

atobols - I am not totally on board with the decision. His brother believes in spanking and making kids stand in the corner, plus his religion is very strict on many things including what they are allowed to wear (ie no sleeveless shirts as they can't show their shoulders). I don't really want my kids raised in this type of environment.

But there is such a small chance of anything ever happening that I didn't think it was worth ending our marriage over because we were at a stalemate for a long time. So I gave in. Although now our marriage may be ending anyway so it could end up being a mute point.

[double feature]

Why are you agreeing with DH on this? It's all about the children, ultimately. If the kids have seen DH's brother like three times and don't really know the family, then obviously they need to stay with the grandparents. It's not an issue of whether your DH likes your dad or not - he's not the one that'll be living with him if you guys die (hopefully not any time soon), the kids will be. It seems kind of selfish on your DH's part. Plus, I would the idea of leaving my children with someone who spanks/shames children like your BIL. It would haunt me my entire life. I would not agree to it, at all (and I don't even know the details of the situation). Good luck! I hope you get this figured out.

[KA29]

What about you do your will with the best guardian pick you can and your dh does his will with his best pick? I don't think that is a perfect solution obviously but personally I would rather do it that way than agree to a guardian in my will that I didn't really agree with. Hopefully it will never come down to both you and your dh being gone and the guardianship coming to a hearing because your wills say different things but I would rather live with that possibility personally.

I do feel your pain though somewhat. My dh and I have selected my parents but I don't feel complete peace with it. My parents were big into spanking when I and my brothers were kids and while they seem to understand and respect that dh and I have made different choices, I hope and pray that they will respect the spirit of how I would want my kids raised if I were to die. I think they would but I know they think I am somewhat nuts so there is doubt there. In our case, there really is no one else but my folks now so we just live with it and hope it will never come to that.

[Mosaic]

I agree with the others: you need to agree on a decision first. No one is going to be a perfect fit, but this is way too important to sweep under the rug just because you think it won't ever become an issue.

When debating your options, you should consider not only parenting styles but money management skills, age and ability, their support system, etc. You can also have one set be in charge of raising your children on a day-to-day basis and have someone else in charge of the finances required to do so. Also, since your children are young, try to consider long-term consequences: school systems, likelihood of relocating, etc. Obviously the relationship between the people and your children is very important, but it's far more important that the relationship is flexible and would grow as the children do. For example, I know people who LOVE my DD and she loves them right back, but no way would they be good parents every single day for several years (because they're too immature, enjoy their freedom too much, etc.).

Maybe considering these other factors will help you reach a decision together.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think you need to make sure that everyone involved knows what is going to happen, which would mean telling your mom if you truly do change.

BUT I, personally, think that you shouldn't change. Does your DH realize that you are, by definition, talking about severaly traumatized kids moving clear across the country to live with people they don't know? Taking them away from every other support system them have? Probably taking them from schools, church (or whatever), friends, plus their grandparents? That couldn't possibily be "in the best interest", IMHO. Now, if he is uncomfortable with your father, then you need to listen to that and figure out if he has an equally legitimate concern, and maybe you need a third alternative.

One more thought -- it doesn't matter if everyone agrees and everyone has been notified, if its not in writing then the courts get to choose. And your kids are probably going to be "in the system" until it does. So whatever you end up deciding, PUT IT IN WRITING!

[Hoopin' Mama]

Oh this sounds sticky.

I think you should have the conversation with her. I think there are a lot of gentle ways to bring it up.

If something ever happened to us, ds will be taken care of by our friends who have two kids. I have explained to my family that this seemed like a logical choice because of their age and the fact that they are already in the raising-children zone. It's not the whole truth, but they accepted it well.

Make sure instructions are in place stating your child will be visiting your parents often, and reassure your Mom of this.

Good luck.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

One more thought -- it doesn't matter if everyone agrees and everyone has been notified, if its not in writing then the courts get to choose. And your kids are probably going to be "in the system" until it does. So whatever you end up deciding, PUT IT IN WRITING!

I could be very wrong about this -- but I don't think children of deceased parents will be put in the system if there is an immediate family member willing and able to take them in. I think life insurance and whatnot could be put in probate though.

This is my understanding at least.

[jeteaa]

i don't think it matters so much who the kids "know" better now. if the brother and his wife would be good parents, then go w/ them. just write a detailed letter to your parents and put it in the will.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I think you need to make sure that everyone involved knows what is going to happen, which would mean telling your mom if you truly do change.

BUT I, personally, think that you shouldn't change. Does your DH realize that you are, by definition, talking about severaly traumatized kids moving clear across the country to live with people they don't know? Taking them away from every other support system them have? Probably taking them from schools, church (or whatever), friends, plus their grandparents? That couldn't possibily be "in the best interest", IMHO. Now, if he is uncomfortable with your father, then you need to listen to that and figure out if he has an equally legitimate concern, and maybe you need a third alternative.

: Judging solely by your posts on this thread, I don't know why you'd change your mind, either. Your parents sound like a much better choice.

I also think they'd get the kids if you died w/o a will. I highly doubt Social Services is going to send them to foster care when there are perfectly functional grandparents standing there ready to take the kids.

All that being said.... if you have truly changed your mind, draw up a will, set up a trust for the kids and tell your parents as soon as possible. They deserve to know where they stand.

Don't let them find out after something happens that they've not only lost a daughter, but their grandkids, as well.

[phathui5]

Without a will in place, I wouldn't bother telling any relatives anyway. Like the other posters have said, it'll be the courts deciding where they go.

[cyndimo]

We still haven't totally worked out guardianship issues for our son either, so I may not be one to talk...
But, a friend of mine has a novel way of handling this - they've set up a "council" of friends and family who will make the final guardianship decision if there's a need. In exchange for those on the council agreeing to take part, the parents have agreed to keep them in the loop on the development of their son. This is all based on the idea that the right family for their son right now (aside from themselves) might not be the right choice if the need arises 5 or 15 years from now. They don't want to be revising the wills every couple of months (potentially) to take into account changes in their son's situation or the situation of their "candidates". This does mean that if they die while their son is still a minor, they won't know where he's going. But, they are trusting a community of their choosing to make the decision that's in his best interests. (It might make sense to select a family that's not geographically close for a kid who hasn't started school yet. But for a 17 year old, maybe a different type of parent is OK if the kid can finish out HS with his peers.)
This does nothing to resolve the question at hand. But, it might help you find a 3rd path.
Good luck!
Cyndi

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by cyndimo

But, a friend of mine has a novel way of handling this - they've set up a "council" of friends and family who will make the final guardianship decision if there's a need. In exchange for those on the council agreeing to take part, the parents have agreed to keep them in the loop on the development of their son. This is all based on the idea that the right family for their son right now (aside from themselves) might not be the right choice if the need arises 5 or 15 years from now. They don't want to be revising the wills every couple of months (potentially) to take into account changes in their son's situation or the situation of their "candidates". This does mean that if they die while their son is still a minor, they won't know where he's going. But, they are trusting a community of their choosing to make the decision that's in his best interests. (It might make sense to select a family that's not geographically close for a kid who hasn't started school yet. But for a 17 year old, maybe a different type of parent is OK if the kid can finish out HS with his peers.)

I LOVE this idea....... I'm another mama w/o an updated will and I think this is what DP and I would like to do. It's kind of a 4-way tie in our family and who would be the *best* choice does change every couple years.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

I could be very wrong about this -- but I don't think children of deceased parents will be put in the system if there is an immediate family member willing and able to take them in. I think life insurance and whatnot could be put in probate though.

This is my understanding at least.

This was our family's experience. My uncle died, and my cousins had no mother in the picture. They lived with my grandparents immediately (and until they were 18). My grandparents were the next of kin, so they had temporary custody until something permanent was decided. There was no challenge or anything, but it required several court appearances.

For the OP: there is no way I would permit my children to be put with people who sound like fundamentalist evangelicals. No way. I would get divorced over it if it came to that. Luckily, DH would never do it either, but I would stick to my guns on this.

[RockStarMom]

To answer your question, yes, definitely tell your mom that you changed your mind.

But please, please reconsider! It sounds like the problem with your parents being the guardians is an issue between your dad and your partner. You MUST make a decision that is best for your children. What alarms me is your dismissal of taking this seriously, with the comment that the chances of anything happening being so small. Of course, but it does happen. It happened in my own family. Please don't take this decision so lightly by agreeing to something that feels so wrong to you.

[prettymom]

I would tell. You're planning for the worst here, and if something does happen to you, you don't want to hand the drama over to your children. I would write a detailed will allowing for time for the kids to spend with your parents (like a few weeks every summer and several holidays). When you tell your mom about the change, tell her what role you still want her to have in your children's lives if something happens to you.

[tankgirlhi]

Originally Posted by double feature

Why are you agreeing with DH on this? It's all about the children, ultimately. If the kids have seen DH's brother like three times and don't really know the family, then obviously they need to stay with the grandparents. It's not an issue of whether your DH likes your dad or not - he's not the one that'll be living with him if you guys die (hopefully not any time soon), the kids will be. It seems kind of selfish on your DH's part. Plus, I would the idea of leaving my children with someone who spanks/shames children like your BIL. It would haunt me my entire life. I would not agree to it, at all (and I don't even know the details of the situation). Good luck! I hope you get this figured out.:

Explain to your DH that your children will be devastated enough after the loss of their parents. They do not need the devastation of uprooting their life going to live with a family they barely know in a town they don't have any friends in. With rules enforced on them that seem kinda of extreme and views that you don't share or want your children exposed to. And don't even get me started on the spanking. Too bad if he doesn't like your father, tell him you don't like his brother.