Wwyd? - Page 2

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by RockStarMom

What alarms me is your dismissal of taking this seriously, with the comment that the chances of anything happening being so small. Of course, but it does happen. It happened in my own family. Please don't take this decision so lightly by agreeing to something that feels so wrong to you.

I'm not taking this so lightly and it is one reason why I never told my mom and I think one of the reasons why I never pushed having a will done.

I am hoping that if anything did happen to us that the courts would decide it in the best interest of the kids to be placed with my mom & dad. Maybe that is the discussion I should have with my mom. That this caused a big issue between my H and I and that we are not on the same page and that I would want her to fight for custody of the children.

My H was very adament about this and it was either end my marriage right then and there over it or agree that his brother would take the kids.

[Demeter9]

Your DH is being a bully.

[crazydiamond]

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover

I'm not taking this so lightly and it is one reason why I never told my mom and I think one of the reasons why I never pushed having a will done.

I am hoping that if anything did happen to us that the courts would decide it in the best interest of the kids to be placed with my mom & dad. Maybe that is the discussion I should have with my mom. That this caused a big issue between my H and I and that we are not on the same page and that I would want her to fight for custody of the children.

My H was very adament about this and it was either end my marriage right then and there over it or agree that his brother would take the kids.

I wouldn't rely on the courts making the right decision. You have to specify in a will. . don't just leave your kids and their future up to random chance. You never know, but something may happen that will lead the courts to think neither family is a good match. Your kids will be traumatized. . .adding endless court appearances and custody battles isn't going to smooth anything over.

My suggestion is to get you and DH and your parents together together in one room and hash this out. Let our DH lay his issues on the table. Work them out. See if you can't come up with a compromise between your DH and father. I don't know what issues your DH has with him, but they need to be addressed one way or another if you want a harmonious resolution to all this.

[craftymom]

I think there are 2 facts here: very few will be 100% pleased with how someone else might raise our children. What does your husband mean when he says he "doesn't really like" your dad--does he just mean he wouldn't be friends with him if he lived next door, or that he would want to move to get away? Because we do have to choose someone. I think the most impt things here that you have mentioned:

1) your kids have a very close relationship with your parents, and it sounds like they live nearby? (and thus the kids are familiar with the area as well?)
2) they do not have that close of a relationship with their aunt and uncle, nor with the place they live, largely due to distance

But the other thing you don't mention is you parents' ages. What might be something they want and would be honored to do could easily become very difficult if one of them falls ill, for example. We have retired neighbors raising their grandson, who is preK. They have it worked out that they will care for him as long as they are able (knowing it could be 1 or 15 more years), and if need be his aunt will raise him.

Have you considered naming a "backup"?

[karina5]

We are in the process of doing the exact same thing, OP. We asked my brother to raise DS, but he doesn't give DS the time of day, and get this, THEY DON'T LIKE BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we have asked DH's brother and aunt to take him.

We are not telling my brother. REally, there is no point. It's unlikely something will happen to both DH and me, and if it does (HUGE "if") then it will be explained in the will.

[lalaland42]

What would happen if the OP makes her will, names her parents and doesn't tell her DH? If he is dead he doesn't have a say anymore and since he didn't make out a will only her preferences will be known. This is obviously a bad way to run a marriage but I would do it before agreeing to a guardian I thought would be bad for my DC.

I agree the OP's DH is being a bully.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by lalaland42

What would happen if the OP makes her will, names her parents and doesn't tell her DH? If he is dead he doesn't have a say anymore

That was actually the thought that's been running through *my* mind for the last few days. I'm sure somebody's gonna flame the heck out of me for agreeing..... but, frankly, that's what I would do.

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by lalaland42

What would happen if the OP makes her will, names her parents and doesn't tell her DH? If he is dead he doesn't have a say anymore and since he didn't make out a will only her preferences will be known. This is obviously a bad way to run a marriage but I would do it before agreeing to a guardian I thought would be bad for my DC.

I agree the OP's DH is being a bully.

Oh - I like this option!! I agree it is a crappy way to run a marriage and in the past, I never would have resorted to this. But I know if I were to ask my children who they would want to live with (not that I would right now because they are too young and this might freak them out) if anything happened to us, they would choose my parents. As it is, when they come to visit, my kids want nothing to do with me!!! My DD doesn't even want me to hold her if my mom is there.

Just to answer a few of the others questions - my parents live in Florida and we live in Illinois, but my mom said that they would be willing to move up and raise our kids in our house if that is what we wanted. There is enough money set up that they would be covered financially to be able to do this. And they see the kids about 6-8 times a year and my kids love them SOOOOOO much.

My parents would be able to devote 100% of their time to the kids whereas my BIL and SIL have 3 kids already and each have their own life between working, church, and going to school. My kids would not have a lot of individual attention.

And they are fairly young - my mom is 57 and my dad is 60. So my mom would be 72 by the time both kids graduated from HS. She is very healthy and even at 57 has more energy than I do a lot of times. She gets on the floor, rolls around with the kids, takes them for walks, etc.

As to why my H doesn't like my father.......
My H doesn't like my dad because he is kind of a loner (prefers to hang out in his room and watch TV) and he likes to joke with the kids and sometimes doesn't know when to stop. But my mom always jumps in and tells him he is going overboard. My parents also don't have the best manners - they didn't learn them as children (both had an incredibly difficult/poor childhood) and so they never used them as adults. Also, my parents are not fiscally responsible and I even agree so I would put the money in someone else's name anyways. I have told my mom that and she has no issues. They admit that they aren't good with money. My dad was a spanker when I was little, but he knows now the harm that it caused and would NEVER spank my kids. My mom also would never spank my kids and regrets that she ever let my dad hit me. So my parents would be on the same page discipline wise as we are. My mom is definitely more GD/AP than anyone in my H family.

[LauraLoo]

Tough situation. We are in a similar position. When ds was a baby, we named my parents as guardians, but also specified that if they felt that they couldn't take / no longer wanted the responsibility at the time they could choose another guardian(s.) My parents are older, so there is a good chance that they wouldn't be up for it if and when the time came. But dh and I respect their judgement.

Ironically, our other choices included dh's brother and wife. I've only met my SIL once (at our wedding) - they live 2000 miles away, too. This past fall was the first time that our dc's met dh's brother, their uncle, for about 4 hours. BIL and SIL might do an ok job, but our dc's KNOW my parents - and ultimately, in a time of tragedy we felt would be the best and kindest option.

I realize that your dh might have some issues with your father, but he really needs to consider how your dc's would feel under the circumstances. This really is about what is best for your dc's.

If you change your mind, you really need to tell your mother NOW. Like other pp's have said, if you don't and she finds out about it after the fact, that's just another awful blow to bear. And PLEASE don't leave it up to the courts to decide. That's a long process, and who knows what would happen to your dc's in the interim. Being shuffled around would NOT be good for their adjustment after your death.

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover

. Also, my parents are not fiscally responsible and I even agree so I would put the money in someone else's name anyways. I have told my mom that and she has no issues. They admit that they aren't good with money.

That's a very good way to handle this aspect. We don't need to name a trustee if my parents are the guardians, but if they turn guardianship over, they will still remain trustees because they manage finances VERY well.

[WuWei]

Dh and I agree that it is up to our son to choose his caregiver (he is 6.5). My sister is the one he loves most closely and she is more than willing, in case. We haven't discussed it with our son directly, but his wishes are to be considered primary. Could you discuss the situation with your husband, from the children's perspective? It seems arbitrary and unnecessary for the children to be moved away from folks who know and love them, in addition to being moved to folks who don't know, or are not close emotionally, with them.

Another possibility is to nurture a relationship with the brother and his family through more frequent calls, mail, email, photos, videos, visits, trips, outings, gatherings, etc. So, that they are engaged and attached relations.


Pat

[eepster]

If you have to I definitely think the wll from you alone giving GM and GP custody is a good idea.

However, before it comes to that Would your husband be agreeable to the following compromise. GM and GP get physical custody, but BIL gets legal guardianship. My fathers father died when my dad was just 5. My Grandmother and great grandmother raised my father, but dad's cousin was his legal guardian. I know this sounds odd in modern US since only one parent died but it was long ago and far away, and though GM was very lovng she was also incredibly irresponsible.

You mentioned that your parents already know they would not be responsible for finances.