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Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

post #1 of 41
3/5/08 at 9:30pm
Thread Starter 
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: Nine principals for the parenting journey by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser

Who would like to join me for a book club discussion on this? Even if you don't own the book, you could chime in.

http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/hp.html
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post #2 of 41
3/6/08 at 12:51am
I'm on the hunt for the book so I can join.
post #3 of 41
3/6/08 at 5:06pm
Thread Starter 
Well, it might be just you and me but I was thinking next Monday we could talk about the intro and the 9 principles for the parenting journey, and then start with Chapter 1, Developing a Vision for Your Family.

If anyone can't get a hold of the book, you could still contribute to the thread.
post #4 of 41
3/7/08 at 7:17am
can i join in?
post #5 of 41
3/7/08 at 11:28am
Thread Starter 
Absolutely
post #6 of 41
3/7/08 at 4:24pm
Well, I have a copy ready for me, but with toddler sickness I'm not sure when I'll get it. Definitely by next week. :-/
post #7 of 41
3/7/08 at 4:52pm
i'd like to join.

is this the right book???

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Paren...4919439&sr=1-2

the subtitle's different than what you said.
post #8 of 41
3/7/08 at 8:33pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by samstress View Post
i'd like to join.

is this the right book???

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Paren...4919439&sr=1-2

the subtitle's different than what you said.
That's the one! There was a fair bit of extra text on the cover. I wasn't sure what exactly the subtitle was.
post #9 of 41
3/10/08 at 2:07am
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Well, it might be just you and me but I was thinking next Monday we could talk about the intro and the 9 principles for the parenting journey, and then start with Chapter 1, Developing a Vision for Your Family.

If anyone can't get a hold of the book, you could still contribute to the thread.
the intro, 9 principles and chapter 1? when i first saw that i thought, ugh! turns out it was only 8 total pages of reading. hooray! i might be able to keep up with this one.
post #10 of 41
3/11/08 at 10:29pm
Thread Starter 

Parenting Principle Number 1:Developing a vision for your family

Principle 1: As parents, it's important that we hold a vision of the kind of parent that we want to be and that we strive to achieve that vision in our daily lives.

So, let's discuss.
post #11 of 41
3/12/08 at 2:07am
I'll have the book tomorrow.



First thought - in therapy, one of the things we talked about a lot was building a life out of "now", because now is the only time we have. Only now can I make any changes in my life - only now can I live. But most "nows" are mundane, simple, easy to dismiss as meaningless, and what I want to control are the Big Things - who I want to be, the way I want to parent, etc. And if I spend all my time going over in my mind what I should have done, or what I plan to do, then I'm not actually living in the now, which means I'm not actually living.

Still following me?

So what I figured out is that now (this breath, this keystroke, this thought, this heartbeat) contains the space to welcome/be aware of/allow to grow the things I want, the person I want to be, the parent I want to be. Just space. No force, no plans, no little mental gerbil running in place -- just space. In that way, when the opportunity to make the choices that shape my life (my parenting), I will be able to choose, because I will be here, now, and with every moment preceding I will have welcomed that choice, and I won't be so distracted by the should haves/need to dos that I miss the chance to actually do.




So I guess that's my thought on how to "hold the vision" - now I just need to have a vision.

Actually, I guess all of that reveals one aspect of my parenting vision: I want to be present in this moment with my child.

And on that note, I'm going to go play with my child and his new big red ball.
post #12 of 41
3/12/08 at 2:09am
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Principle 1: As parents, it's important that we hold a vision of the kind of parent that we want to be and that we strive to achieve that vision in our daily lives.

So, let's discuss.
well, when i read the first principle i was a little concerned because i didn't really have a vision that i could verbalize. then dh pointed out that it's just a vision, not a mission statement.

there are definitely values that i hold (some i feel more strongly about than others). luckily dh and i agree on most of these...

to have integrity
to have empathy
to be generous
to be conscientious
to be fair
to be courageous
to work hard

and there are things that i wish for my children...

to be happy
to be confident
to be free of fear
to be thinkers and feelers
to always be able to come to me

there are many others, but this is what comes to me at this moment.

dh and i got talking about our values and how we exhibit them and where they come from.

we each discussed one specific value that our parents instilled in us that we still hold. mine was to always do the right thing and it's something my mom said long before spike lee did. when people ask what i learned from my mother (yes, a few people have asked), that's the one i always say. i remember many times throughout my youth when situations presented themselves where i could do the right thing or do the easy thing. my mom always saw it as an opportunity to teach. while it was rarely the easy thing to do and was sometimes actually painful (especially for a young person) to do, she was able to show me (not just tell me) how it was the right thing. i'm proud to say i usually did the right thing. usually. i hope that's something my children will learn as well. not because i tell them, but because i exhibit it in my daily life.

the one dh came up with was being an individual and being true to that. he said his parents would tell him that it was important to decide who he wanted to be (what kind of person he wanted to be) and then always be true to that, in all situations with all people. it seems pretty obvious, but i thought it was a good one. especially when you hit adolescence and it can be so easy to go along with the crowd or do things that aren't true to yourself. i can honestly say dh was able to stay truer to himself than i ever did. in my youth, that is.

so, those are just some of my thoughts on the first principle. not really sure if i've addressed it clearly or gone off on a tangent completely. as i said at the onset, i don't have a crystal clear vision, but i do know what's important to me and am hopefully living my life in a way that exhibits those things.

thoughts?
post #13 of 41
3/12/08 at 2:35am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn View Post
I'll have the book tomorrow.

So what I figured out is that now (this breath, this keystroke, this thought, this heartbeat) contains the space to welcome/be aware of/allow to grow the things I want, the person I want to be, the parent I want to be. Just space. No force, no plans, no little mental gerbil running in place -- just space. In that way, when the opportunity to make the choices that shape my life (my parenting), I will be able to choose, because I will be here, now, and with every moment preceding I will have welcomed that choice, and I won't be so distracted by the should haves/need to dos that I miss the chance to actually do.

So I guess that's my thought on how to "hold the vision" - now I just need to have a vision.

Actually, I guess all of that reveals one aspect of my parenting vision: I want to be present in this moment with my child.

And on that note, I'm going to go play with my child and his new big red ball.
:

beautifully said.

i definitely agree with you about being present. it's something i've always wanted to be for (and wanted from) my partners and something i wish to be for my daughter.

not only do i want to be present for her sake, but i want to be present for my sake. i see how excited she gets about the world around her and i get excited watching her. while it takes me about 30 seconds to go from the sidewalk to the front door, it takes her at least an hour. just yesterday, she stopped to look at a dandelion clock. amazed that when she touched it, all its seeds fell to the ground. today she examined a rock. turning it over and over. inspecting its colors, its texture. i mean, how lucky am i that i get to watch all this with her.
post #14 of 41
3/12/08 at 2:07pm
Wow, this book looks great. I assume it's AP friendly?

I'm a bit late but I'm going to order it and hope to join in soon!
post #15 of 41
3/12/08 at 2:10pm
Oh, I have this. Great idea! I'll join.
post #16 of 41
3/12/08 at 9:11pm
Thread Starter 

Understanding My Values: What Do I Want to Teach

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShadowMom View Post
Wow, this book looks great. I assume it's AP friendly?

I'm a bit late but I'm going to order it and hope to join in soon!
Absolutely AP friendly!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassiopeia View Post
Oh, I have this. Great idea! I'll join.
YAY!

It does seem daunting, doesn't it? We've always had our family "philosophy" based on I Corinthians 13:
Quote:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
We've found it covers pretty much everything.

What families have in common the world around is that they are the place where people learn who they are and how to be that way.
post #17 of 41
3/13/08 at 1:46am
OK, I had lots of babblings but no time to clean it up, so I'll try posting tomorrow. I did get the book though, and I like the first 7 pages!
post #18 of 41
3/14/08 at 7:03pm

a bit late...

but may I join? I have the book
post #19 of 41
3/14/08 at 10:37pm
I'm late too but would like to join. I did a 7-week class based on this book, but that was last year. I love this book.


Can I join?
post #20 of 41
3/15/08 at 12:34am
We've hardly begun - of course you're both welcome.
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