Becoming the Parent You Want to Be - Page 2

[Arwyn]

Alright, I'm just gonna post my babblings.

I asked my partner Gary one of the questions in this section, "what are the five most important values I want to pass on to my children?" He said:

As Jesus said: don't be a [meanie] [warning: mature/profane content in link, but it gives the context for the quote]
don't always have to be nice, but be kind
critical thinking is important
help people if you can
question everything

And that it all pretty much comes down to: be nice, be mindful. And variations thereof. (Environmentalism is, he said, just a combination of the two - it's not smart to pollute the planet you're living on, and not nice to mess it up for other people.)

Not really values, but here's what I said in a similar conversation a month or so ago:

5 traits I hope to help instill in my offspring:

healthy, physically and mentally
happy, with himself and the world
interdependent, and aware/embracing of it
sensitive, caring, compassionate
able to laugh in joy every day

I like the Corinthians quote, too.

As a parent, I want: to be present; to learn from my mistakes (and have my children see that happen); to be accessible; to teach by leading (do as I do); to be kind; to be just (different from fair); to be reliable. It would be nice to be liked, but more than that I want to be the strong space my child(ren) can come back to for safety and warmth and rest and love and peace.



/babbling.

[annettemarie]

So, the food for thought questions at the end of the chapter:

Who are the people I can talk to about values?

Where, in my family and community, have I found people who disagree with me in terms of my values? How do I negotiate those differences?

When did I last have a conflict with another person (my partner, a friend or family member) about how to respond to a child? What values were each of us trying to teach?

Can I think of a time when my child was exposed to a value that was very different from the values in our family? How did I respond? How did I help my child with that experience?

[Arwyn]

I just had a really fabulous conversation with my partner about these questions. I don't really have time now to go over it again, but I wanted to comment on another couple things in this chapter:

The "Look at the Bigger Picture" section reminds me of a lot of discussions about Unconditional Parenting I've been in recently. I underlined (yes, in a book that isn't mine - it's in pencil! ) the quote "the process is as important as the outcome".

And maybe later I'll actually talk about that, but it's bedtime now. Book clubs are both easier and harder when they're shoved into what ten (or five or two) minute increments you can steal from your daily life.

[annettemarie]

Oh, that's great.

I don't have tons of time right now (surprise!) but I will say that I feel like I really miss the mark when we run headlong into values that don't agree with ours. I will admit that it makes me feel really insecure.

[annettemarie]

I read an awesome post somewhere yesterday by Shaggy Daddy talking about breastfeeding, baby wearing, etc, as being tools that lead to attachment parenting. I was thinking that attachment parenting, then, is maybe a tool that leads us to this, passing on our values to our children.

[annettemarie]

Anyone ready to move on to Chapter Two, Learning About Children?

Principle 2: Through learning about our children, and about children in general, we develop a perspective that leads us to be more responsible, effective parents.

So, we have:
What is child development and why is it useful?
Understanding your child's temperment
Learning to observe
What is your child working on?

[annettemarie]

[Arwyn]

Alright, I'm going to post the underlines/notes I made when reading this chapter, and if I have time (haha!) I'll answer the discussion questions.

p 8 I underlined "Trust is necesary for later independence." That wins the authors a lot of points in my book.

p 10 I wrote "this chapter shows much cultural assumption" (hey, it's notes in a book, the grammar doesn't have to be perfect) and "compare with Our Babies, Ourselves" - which talks about how our belief in "temperment" is a cultural phenomenon. I think it's a pretty valid one, but I also think it's worth keeping that in mind when talking about child development theory.

The notes on observing - the parts about standing back and just letting your child do - resonate with my beliefs in ideas like The Continuum Concept and Unconditional Parenting. Right now I'm observing my child try to engage the dog in play with a fabric bag that has a card affixed to it. He's not having much luck, but the dog is being incredibly patient with getting repeatedly smacked in the face.

Going back to p 8, the "normal ages" of child development are also pretty culturally influenced. There ARE biological stages and norms, I've just come to believe (through my reading of books like OBOS) that they're far more maleable than we tend to think.

Alright... being called away by the milk sign, more later.

[annettemarie]

Arwyn, are you writing in a library book?

[Arwyn]

No! I'm writing in a book borrowed from a friend. :

[Arwyn]

I'd love to hear from other people. It's not to late to join, or start posting. You don't have to answer all the questions, heck you don't have to have read the book, you can go back to chapter one or start here, you can comment on others' comments... c'mon people, add your voice!

[sunny*pa*mom]

I saw this thread last week and the book looked interesting so I checked it out today. Hope it's okay if I join in.

First of all, I love the idea of thinking about and discussing what kind of parent I want to be. To talk about it with dp and really think about it I think will keep me honest. I like knowing where I want to go.

Originally Posted by samstress

i don't have a crystal clear vision, but i do know what's important to me and am hopefully living my life in a way that exhibits those things.

I agree. I hope that by living my life according to my values, it will teach my children the things that I think are important.

Mostly what I've realized is that I see a vision of the mother I want to be to my children and I think I need to slow down and take the time to live life at their speed. Really enjoy every day, even the rainy or snowy or cloudy ones. To live deeply and suck the marrow out of life, as someone once said.

[Brown Lioness]

*subbing*

[samstress]

anyone still reading?

finally got around to starting chapter three. got caught up on the "food for thought" questions on p. 18. the one that says, "growing up, were there times i felt bad about myself? how did the people around me contribute to that feeling?"

well, as a child i was pretty shy. being shy was bad enough (i often felt uncomfortable and sometimes crippled in social situations). what was worse though was being berated for being that way. we would come home from some social function and my mother would ask me why i didn't talk, would wonder why i couldn't be more like my sister (the outgoing one), would tell me how i had embarrased her, etc.

reading the question just reminded me how her reaction to me just made an already difficult situation a lot more unpleasant. reading about how children are unique individuals with different personalities and temperaments and how that should be appreciated and respected makes me wish that i had been.

anyway, regarding the whole shyness thing...when it comes to my daughter, anytime someone has referred to her as "shy" or "bashful" for doing something as simple as turning away from a stranger, i later ask them not to refer to her as such. i admit i'm a bit hyper sensitive to this particular issue, but i just think labels are a dangerous thing and can often become self fulfilling prophecies. and shyness, in particular, often has such negative connotation attached to it. i think it's sometimes seen as a character flaw rather than just a personality trait.

so, any other similar experiences? did anyone feel (or were made to feel) bad as children? how have we made our children feel bad? any other thoughts on chapter three (still haven't finished it, so i may have more to add).

[redsfree]

I've being reading this book a bit here and there to help answer specific parenting questions as I have them, but this thread inspires me to actually make time to read it front to back. And I hope to join in the conversation here and help keep this important thread going.

Originally Posted by samstress

anyway, regarding the whole shyness thing...when it comes to my daughter, anytime someone has referred to her as "shy" or "bashful" for doing something as simple as turning away from a stranger, i later ask them not to refer to her as such. i admit i'm a bit hyper sensitive to this particular issue, but i just think labels are a dangerous thing and can often become self fulfilling prophecies. and shyness, in particular, often has such negative connotation attached to it. i think it's sometimes seen as a character flaw rather than just a personality trait.

This comment made me think of what another wise mama on MDC once wrote. There was a thread about a reserved DC, and she wrote that she never says that her DC is shy but rather her DC is feeling shy. Basically making the point that it is ok to feel a certain way, but it isn't who or what you are. I thought that was a gentle way to describe it without creating labels.

[samstress]

Originally Posted by redsfree

I've being reading this book a bit here and there to help answer specific parenting questions as I have them, but this thread inspires me to actually make time to read it front to back. And I hope to join in the conversation here and help keep this important thread going.



This comment made me think of what another wise mama on MDC once wrote. There was a thread about a reserved DC, and she wrote that she never says that her DC is shy but rather her DC is feeling shy. Basically making the point that it is ok to feel a certain way, but it isn't who or what you are. I thought that was a gentle way to describe it without creating labels.

i like that. i'm going to use it. it's true that any of us could be feeling a certain way at any time without being that way. i may be feeling sad, but am not a sad person. thanks!

[DevaMajka]

subbing- I LOVE this book!

[heatherweh]

I just started this book- it seems great so far. So much of it is spot on. It is helping me think of parenting in a whole new way actually, I like how it talks about stepping back to see the big picture instead of always being caught up in the minutiae of day-to-day struggles and triumphs. I can't wait to get to the chapters on setting limits and toddler nutrition and bedtime routines.

[megviolet]

I'm picking this book up from the library this afternoon!

[rrs]

This thread just solidified my decision to purchase the book from Amazon. The Amazon reviews made me a little wary.

I look forward to revisiting this thread once my copy arrives, and comparing my thoughts with those already mentioned.