My DS got into a physical fight tonight.

[aussiemum]

He's 7. We were at my DD's riding lesson & he got into a punch-up wrestling match with the brother of a girl who takes lessons along with DD. I get along really well with the mum (she's a very non-violent nursing kinda mum), & we were having a great convo (as usual) about various things, & then we looked over to see our boys beating the hell out of each other.

I rushed over (because my boy was on top & hitting) & pulled him off the other child & said, basically, ' Stop it, what are you thinking, this is your mate that you love to climb trees with & play soccer with every week, what are you doing punching him?!?!?!?!'

...........


And then we all sort of negotiated it out with the kids, & they apologised to each other, but it was kind of forced & I could tell that the both didn't really mean it....

............


An hour later, we are home. DH & I are asking DS about the fight, just talking, & it turns out that the whole thing came about because my DS challenged his friend to a race of some sort. And DS lost, so he punched his friend in the back. ANd of course his mate didn't like that, so he turned around & punched back.... And it escalated into a full-on fight. My DS is a poor sport sometimes.

Our thoughts have been along the lines of encouraging/requiring DS to write a note of apology for next week to his mate. I mean, he fully says that he was the one to start the fight with the first punch, & I really want him to understand that this is not okay...... We also want him to know that it is okay to come last in a competition- he struggles with this.

I dunno...... I have never seen my DS so angry towards another person outside our family..... it upsets me, & i am wondering if anyone has experienced something similar with their son. What did you do in that situation?

[HarperRose]

Wow. I haven't any advice, really. My boy is also 7 but hasn't ever been in a fist fight. Well, save for the occasional whack he trades with his sister. :

I think you handled it well, though. Hope someone else has some words of advice.

[double feature]

I can sympathize, unfortunately. DS is eight and has gotten physical with a friend from school. The fight ensued when said friend tossed DS's ball on the roof of the school and it couldn't be retrieved. And unfortunately, DS ended up with a scratch under his eye, the other boy a bruise, so they did go pretty far before a teacher on recess duty stepped in to intervene. I think you're handling this marvellously, by the way. I can see why it would upset you so much. Also, I can sympathize with the poor sport bit, unfortunately yet again .

DS has been playing competitive hockey since he was five, and sometimes he focuses more on the outcome of the game rather than the business of playing itself. We're working on that by encouraging positive behaviour in our personal lifestyles, outside of hockey. If you play boardgames, mention to him his great efforts, despite winning or losing, for example. You mention he plays soccer - how about after games you discuss a new skill he's learned, perhaps new friends he's made, what he likes about being part of a team, what he doesn't like, etc. Acknowledge his frustrations, if he happens to get frustrated, and remind him that sometimes even with our best efforts, we can't always win, but that's okay. Reflective listening is pretty key here. Good luck!

[aussiemum]

Thank you both so much for your responses, mamas. I've been away from the computer since yesterday- & it is good to read your reflections...

For me, it was particuarly uncomfortable because the mum & I had been in this earnest conversation just moments before.... about non-violence, & global politics, & how we respond to the world around us...


She's very cool, has nursed in many a global 'hot spot', & she was very low key in her approach to my DS attacking her DS.

I just want to make things right, even though I kind of know it's not my job to do that...........

[Mom4tot]

I'm sorry. How is your ds feeling about it today?

[aussiemum]

He's kind of ignoring it, tbh. We had some friends around for dinner last night, he's been away most of the day, playing just fine with another friend (close family friends & their DS), & he was exhausted tonight so I haven't brought it up with him. But tomorrow I will, & I am also thinking about ringing the other mum & letting her know about the letter idea, & also about the further info I gleaned from my son the night of the fight.

And thank you all, this is such a hard thing for me. ANd thank for the reminder that we need to keep up our efforts to play games with him & use positive language & really listen when he loses & gets angry about it.

[WuWei]

He is young. How others expect or accept his imperfections and mistakes will be the model for his tolerance for the imperfections or mistakes that he perceives in others.

I would assume that there was something intense going on for him and seek to understand the root of his anger and feeling of helplessness. There is a saying 'Hurt people hurt people'. People don't strike out in a vacuum. Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddist monk, teaches to 'take care of our anger like a crying baby. We cradle, support, comfort and seek to understand the cause.' Anger is a message of an emotional angst to an intense degree. Anger is a normal and natural part of being human. He is quite a young person to have complete emotional control. Many (most) adults do not control their anger. Many control their behaviors. Self-awareness comes before self-control, in my experience. Nurturing self-awareness through self-examination is a tool that we adults can model. Not teach. Primarily, children learn what they live, not what they are told. Don't worry, mama, he won't grow up to be a violent man. He is just a boy with BIG emotions. When we accept those emotions and listen to them, rather than suppress them, we learn about ourselves. We are all learning all the time.

I would not insist on any recourse, apology or consequence. Our culture embraces the win-lose paradigm. Learning to lose is a tough lesson to swallow when our culture embraces Winning!!

The first (second, third, forth...) time experiencing the emotional aspects of the many lessons is a lot for one day. Give it time.


Pat

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by aussiemum

Our thoughts have been along the lines of encouraging/requiring DS to write a note of apology for next week to his mate.

I don't really know what to say to the rest of it, but I really don't like this idea. I was on the receiving end of several "required" apologies as a child, and they made me feel like crap. If your ds feels bad about it, I think encouraging an apology is a good idea, but I'm really down on apologies that aren't sincere. I found them hard to receive and I think that they send the wrong message to the person who is apologizing. Instead of reinforcing a "I did something I shouldn't have" message, I think they encourage people to think of "I'm sorry" as a get out of jail free card. IMO, apologies should reflect real remorse, not a culturally accepted bandaid.

Just my opinion, so you can take it with a grain of salt, of course. I just really, really hated receiving those apologies when I was a kid.

[almama]

He made a mistake, and mistakes are a golden opportunity to learn and grow. I agree that I wouldn't require the apology, but would tell him he has the responsibility and the chance to analyze what happened before the fight in order to prevent it next time.

I'd be sad though, so

[aussiemum]

Thank you all for your input- I haven't taken any action with him yet. That in itself has kind of made me think about how chaotic our days are, & today I've been working all day & haven't seen him since this morning. It's my first day back this semester- fortunately I don't have a schedule like this every day.

Thank you to Storm Bride, who mentioned how receiving a written apology as a child made her feel. i did wonder about this, & didn't want it to be seen as a 'weird' thing, kwim? It's just that have never seen him sitting on another child punching before (i don't know that he's ever done that before! it's just shocking to me!)

And I will be keeping a closer eye on him this week, not getting fully distracted by conversation & letting them run free & unsupervised for the hour or so. I know how much he loves physical competitions, & how badly he can take loosing, so clearly i do need to keep more of an eye on him & intervene before emotions escalate into a punch up.

Thank you all so much for your various perspectives, it really does help to know that there is a diversity of responses out there......


And Pat, I have to honestly say that the second reason DS's fight disturbed me was that I was concerned about how it would reflect on me as a parent to another mama that I am just getting to know, & respect very much. That is confusing the issue, I think.

[WuWei]

I always wonder about food additives too. Dairy, HFCS, and artificial colors/flavors decrease our son's impulse control. Dairy creates the most agitated and irritable behavior of the three. The others cause more restlessness and impatience.


Pat

[aussiemum]

I know what you mean about addititives, but in DS's case, in general he has a pretty organic diet. Not totally organic, but he definitely eats organic dairy & meat, & pretty much everything else we eat is additive free. As I like to say, we don't eat E's. In AUstralia, food labels list additives with the letter 'E' in front of a number, as in E521, E123, etc.

Our DS went dairy free for a while (his decision, as we were trying to work out what was giving him a chronic tummy-ache), but I don't know that it changed his general outlook, yk? He's back on dairy now (his decision- I am totally supportive of a non-dairy diet) & his gut seems to be just fine, no more tummy-aches, so... i dunno. Actually, I think that's a whole 'nother issue with my DS, so I digress....