Househunting conflict with DH - Help!

[becoming]

Here's the deal: DH and I are hoping to buy a house within the next year or so. He is wanting to buy a $200,000+ house. The thought of being in that much debt makes me feel absolutely panicky. I want to buy a $125,000 or less house. We live in a *very* low cost of living area, so $125,000 can buy a brand new 3-bedroom brick home with an acre of land. He wants something like 10 acres of land, a pond, 5 bedrooms (even though we only have 3 kids and are probably done), the most expensive of everything. (This is the same man that "surprised" me with a top-of-the-line, super expensive SUV with a $650/month note!!!) I feel like he's being very immature and not realizing how much having a house THAT expensive is going to change our lifestyle. I don't want to be saddled with a $2,000 house note for the next 30 years! I've told him I'm just not signing any papers for a house that elaborate, but he literally refuses to go look at anything more modest. How can we get past this hurdle?

[MissLotus]

Girl, where do you live that you can get all that for $125,000??? Take me there!

I guess your husband will know you're serious when you don't look at anything past your own price range and as you say, make it clear that you won't sign papers for one cent more than you're comfortable with. If you can live decently and well for that, he's unreasonable to want more; after all, this saddles YOU with debt as well. If I were you, I'd keep looking at the homes you're interested in meanwhile.

[karne]

I know that hwen we were househunting, DH and I thought we were on the same page about what we wanted, but in reality we each had our own fantasies about what our house would be. Almost a year of serious searching went by, and in that time we did alot of talking and compromising. The more we looked, ran the #'s, the clearer the picture became of what would work for us. But, like anything in marriage, we had to come to a place where we could talk about what was important to us and each other, and respect that. Hmm.....homebuying as a metaphor for married life?

[becoming]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

Girl, where do you live that you can get all that for $125,000??? Take me there!

We're looking in rural north Louisiana/rural south Arkansas/rural east Texas. This is one of the houses I wanted to look at that DH wouldn't.

[SeekingJoy]

What about going ahead and "paying" the equivalent of the housing cost for the more expensive house into a savings account? This would have to include mortgage, of couse, but also property taxes, insurance increase, PMI, repairs, additional furnishings, utilities, etc.

Benefits: 1) You and DH would have a shared understanding -- based in concrete experience -- of how that would effect your lifestyle, retirement, budget flexibility, etc. 2) You would have a larger downpayment, which would reduce the mortgage you need to take out on the house, if you go that route.

[zersha]

That's as much mortgage as I want too. Anything more would just be too much. Luckily dh is in agreement with me.

We also live in an area where we can get a really great house for that price or just a bit more, but we will make up the difference with our down payment that we're saving up. If it was 1-2 yrs from now, we just saw a perfect 4br 2ba house only a few years old with a huge yard in a great area for only $140K.

Tell your dh if he seriously wants a house over 200K, then he better start figuring out a way to come up with a 75K down payment (without borrowing it).

I know that probably won't fly, but I wouldn't let him talk you into getting into more debt than you feel comfortable with.

Have you done some of the online calculaters that would show what your monthly mortgage payment would be for a house that expensive? Does he realize how big the payment would be including insurance & property taxes?

[zersha]

Originally Posted by becoming

We're looking in rural north Louisiana/rural south Arkansas/rural east Texas. This is one of the houses I wanted to look at that DH wouldn't.

That is a great house. And only 99K. I love the wooded lot.

It's too bad he wouldn't even consider it. Think of how low your mortgage payments would be. And it looks like it is in such great shape that you wouldn't have to put much, if any, money into remodeling or other improvements.

[savithny]

Ask him if he's going to clean all the extra space he wants to buy. And mow the extra lawn. And shovel or plow the extra driveway.

No one thinks of just the added *time* of cleaning the 3rd and 4th bathrooms, of vaccuuming those acres of carpet, of mowing the "back 40." Make sure your DH has. Tell him he's gonna be doing all work above what the 3-bedroom you want will be requried.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by becoming

We're looking in rural north Louisiana/rural south Arkansas/rural east Texas. This is one of the houses I wanted to look at that DH wouldn't.

OMG. : That's pretty close to our house, except we live across the country and you have to add a 4 in front of that number. : I like the suggestion of putting all that money away a month for him to get an idea of just how much things will add up. Maybe work the angle that if something happens (illness, death, injury...) this is a house that you guys as a family could probably still keep because of the low payment, that might be highly unlikely with a more expensive house. Or maybe say that you can always upgrade later, but it's much harder to downsize. Good luck.

[Sarah8Jane]

Originally Posted by savithny

Ask him if he's going to clean all the extra space he wants to buy. And mow the extra lawn. And shovel or plow the extra driveway.

I totally agree with this post. Dh knows that we can only have as many bathrooms as he is willing to clean.

Is this going to be your "starter home"? If so maybe you can convince him that your family will start small and then maybe move up. I also agree with the pp who said that they had different dream houses in mind and had to compromise.

Why does he want 10 acres? My dh grew up on 10 acres and has explained what he needs 10 acres for so I'll go for it in the future (right now we're in a fairly expensive market so we'll be lucky to get a decent 2 bedroom condo for 200,000). Maybe you can get the acres with a small house? Or make some other compromise.

Perhaps you need to remind him that your relationship is a partnership and you both need to work together. Buying a house can be hard. Good luck.

[Emmeline II]

How about you make a deal? He has to look at your houses and you have to look at his. That way you have an equal chance to woo the other. You keep looking until you find a house. The pp had a smart idea about "paying" for his 10 acre/house now into a savings account.

I wouldn't want to be in debt for his "dream house" either. I told dh I don't want to clean a home above 2000sf; the problem is that the areas where we want our next house to be have large houses. It will be tricky. So for now we're happy in 1879, though we would like land for a garden and workshop.

When we bought our current house it was based on what we could afford on his income alone. Now we also save for what we want. I hope to never have to finance anything again.

[nd_deadhead]

I would add up ALL the expenses associated with the much more expensive house: mortgage, property taxes, homeowner's insurance, electricity, air conditioning, maintenance. I suspect that the additional expenses (not just the mortgage) might be a lot more than what your DH realizes.

You have 3 kids. Do you want to spend their entire childhood stuck in the house (nice as it is), or would you like to take a vacation at some point? Do you want to save for their college? I REALLY wanted to put an addition on our house, but I decided that I would rather spend that money on an annual family ski trip (or two).

Next I would add up the extra time required to care for such a big house - vacuum, wash windows, clean bathrooms, mow the lawn. Do you have that many hours a week to spare right now? If not, what is DH willing to give up to make time for the extra care a giant house requires?

Will you be staying in the house a long time? I would much rather re-roof a smaller house than a larger one.

[ShaggyDaddy]

We bought a brand new 157k house that is in North Texas... 2400sq feet, 3 car garage, energy star rated insulation and fixtures, etc etc. Fairly typical for the market.

Well here we are 3 years later. We do not live there anymore, we rent it out for about what our mortgage payment (including escrow). If we did not have tenants we would still be able to afford our apartment rent and our house payment... if we had a 200k house with 10 acres, there is no way we could rent it, and there is no way we could afford the payment (plus our apartment) if we had no tenants.

When everything is said and done we often lament the fact that we didn't buy an existing home. New houses suck. Everything that goes wrong, you have to get fixed. Whereas with an existing home, everything that can break has already been replaced, or you know it is broken when you buy it.

Rural houses are super tough to sell, and just as tough to rent out... If you are buying one you can't afford to let sit on the market if you need to move, you are buying a big problem. There is a reason why a 5br with 10 acres is so cheap in the area... it is near impossible to find a buyer for any other price.

Holding on to a 100k house is significantly easier on the budget than holding a 200k house.

[KatWrangler]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

When everything is said and done we often lament the fact that we didn't buy an existing home. New houses suck. Everything that goes wrong, you have to get fixed. Whereas with an existing home, everything that can break has already been replaced, or you know it is broken when you buy it.

Thats not entirely true. First I would much rather prefer a brand new house so I don't have to redo everything the previous homeowner has done incorrectly! We have done both. Had a house built, bought a model home and bought used homes.

The other thing is if something goes wrong then it should be paid for by the builder. I know our builder in Colorado gave us 6 months - year to fix things. Like drywall issues or whatever. We weren't out anything.

[sparkprincess]

Don't do it!! Don't let him talk you into an expensive house. I say this from my own experience. There are SO many little things that add up. We have a beautiful home that I should be thrilled with...but I'm not because we live paycheck to paycheck. AND it's STILL not enough for my dh. He actually thew a little fit because he wanted to build a home theater room NOW as opposed to waiting. It's never ending!! Don't get sucked in!

[Emmeline II]

K, where is the "being sucked in to the vortex of debt" smilie .

[Herausgeber]

Aww, becoming, you're making me homesick. I'm from Minden. And needless to say we could buy 5 estates there for what we just paid for a fixer upper here.

[superstella]

You've gotten some great advice above. I particularly like the idea to put money into savings now that would equal what you would be paying on a $200k house. INcluding maintenance, taxes, insurance, etc., not just the mortgage payment.

BUT, I also have to reiterate what someone up there said about compromise. Why are the 10 acres important to your dh? It's pretty important to me to have land when we move again (if we buy) because I want animals and I want to be self-sufficient. My dh couldn't care less about that stuff, and would probably prefer to live in a cookie cutter house in a nice subdivision. But he's taken the time to listen to why it's important to me, and we'll find a nice house not TOO far in the country (for his benefit) with enough land for my benefit. You don't have to get stuck in a loan that's too big for you to be comfortable with, but maybe you will both be able to live with a $150k house (or something like that).

BTW that's a beautiful house you linked to!

[becoming]

Originally Posted by Herausgeber

Aww, becoming, you're making me homesick. I'm from Minden. And needless to say we could buy 5 estates there for what we just paid for a fixer upper here.

NO WAY!!! I literally live 25 miles from Minden! How crazy is that? It's a small world after all...

[Herausgeber]

Yep. And I will be home this weekend, though I have to spend most of my time in Monroe for a wedding. Next time I come home to NW La, let's get together. I don't know any other AP mamas there.