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How to find child given up for adoption?

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
A friend of mine had a baby in his teens with a girl and the baby was placed for adoption. The baby is 18 now and he would like to find his son, at the very least put something out there so the child knows he's open to contact. The birth mother died several years ago and my guess is the child would look for the mother first and not find her or find she died and may give up looking. The adoption took place in California in the late 80's.

Where should my friend start? Are there registries or databases to check? I've told him to write down every detail he can remember, names, dates, the adoption agency, attorney names, anything about it at all that he can remember becasue the child may only have a fragment of information so its best to put out as much information as possible to have the best possible chance of finding him.

Also, what about tracking down the adoptive parents and sending them a letter? He does know there names and its pretty easy to track someone down these days. He doesn't want to intrude but just wants the child to know he's there if he has questions.
post #2 of 9
Thread Starter 
I think she was saying I am the "outside party". My friend is not net savy and had no idea where to start so he asked me where he might start in his quest. I'm not sure so I'm asking you guys. I have no intention of "getting involved" beyond giving him the info you guys give me. To me its no different then if someone posts they have a child from donor sperm/egg in which case I'd have lots of info to share since I have a child from using donor sperm, I guess you could say I adopted a vial of sperm that resulted in a child Point is, I came to ask the people who have suggestions on how to proceed becasue they have gone before and can advise on steps to take and what to avoid doing.
post #3 of 9
[QUOTE=Satori;10710608]I think she was saying I am the "outside party". QUOTE]

Maybe so. It didn't sound to me like you were planning on taking any direct action on behalf of your friend. In any case, I think if your friend can locate the adoptive parent's address (I don't have specifics on how to do this), a tactfully worded letter to them would be a logical place to start, along with the Reunion Registry.
post #4 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by BethNC View Post
Ouch. They are parents, or adoptive parents, but adopters really hurts.
The term "adopter" is the legal and normal term in the UK.

It would be like taking offense at someone saying "Mum" instead of "Mom."
post #5 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by VegHipMama View Post
The term "adopter" is the legal and normal term in the UK.

It would be like taking offense at someone saying "Mum" instead of "Mom."
Thanks for the info. I didn't know.
post #6 of 9
I'm removing my post because it no longer read how I intended it to after the thread (and this post) was edited.
post #7 of 9
Replacing thread.

I googled the term adopters and it is liberally used in the UK, so despite initial reactions, this one is o.k. mamas.
post #8 of 9
bumping for OP
post #9 of 9
I just recently found my birthmother. Several years ago I made a post at adopteeconnect.com. Her sister put in my birth date and the city I was born in and read what I had posted. Details matched so she emailed me. It took me 6 years to find her. I suggest your friend put his information in as many databases as he can. There are some that you have to pay for but there are so many that are free. Also, I know my father's name and the basic area of his location and cannot find him at all. So I would suggest making sure that he can be easily found. For example, keep his home phone number listed under his name, in case his son has his information. Also, he should call the agency that was used and talk with them. It's possible that they could keep a letter from him and give it to his son if the son contacts the agency. While the adoptive parents seem to be the most direct route, I would be hesitant to rely on them. My parents are great and have been nothing but supportive about me reconnecting with my birth family. However, not all adoptive parents are supportive or they may feel he isn't ready, etc. 18 is very young (says the 23 year old lol) and while I was VERY intent on finding my bparents at that age I am now glad I didn't. Even though I wanted to, I wasn't ready and I wouldn't have been able to handle that type of relationship at that time.

Also, I wish him luck. From what my bmom has told me, she met a lot of dead ends. The agency that I was adopted through sent her in circles and was very dishonest. They also gave her this big lecture about how I most likely would not look for her until I was in my 30's and had a child of my own. He has options and I hope he finds his son!
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