I just need some support

[aaronsmom]

From the beginning my grandmother and mother haven't been entirely supportive of me BF'ing DD. Today, things just went downhill. They both ganged up on me and told me I should introduce formula and the bottle so that they can babysit. I told them I don't want DD to have a bottle whether it's formula or EBM. I'm a SAHM so there is no reason to introduce the bottle and I don't want to risk dealing with nipple confusion if there's no good reason to. If I were a WOHM it would be a different story but I'm not and I don't plan to be anytime soon.
They then told me I was selfish and just wanted to keep DD to myself. They said I am over protective. I got angry and said I don't have to justify my parenting choices to anyone.
When I had DS I was very young (17 yo) and was pressured into a lot of things by my mom that I wouldn't have done otherwise. I was very adamant that I wouldn't circ DS but after a lot of pressure from my mom and no support in my decision, I eventually gave in. This also happened when I was made to feel BF'ing was disgusting so I ended up FF'ing him, both decisions I regret everyday.
Now I know better and am more confident in my choices. I won't give into them but it still eats at me that they are so unsupportive.
My mom isn't nearly as bad as my grandmother and on occasions tries to defend me from her. When my mom told my grandma to let me parent "my" way one time her answer was, and I quote, "Well, that ain't no kinda way."
I just don't understand. I do what is not only best but natural for my child and I'm the selfish one?
Another thing my mom said to me was, "What if one day you get sick and have to stay in the hospital? You'll want her to be used to the bottle won't you?" To which I replied, "While I'm at it, why don't I give you custody of my kids now just in case I die tomorrow." : Why would I give DD a bottle on the miniscule chance that I might become seriously ill and have to stay in the hospital?!
I don't know. I'm just very upset.

[FREEmom1120]

You have every right to be upset. You can't go back and change how things went with your first - you did your best with what support and knowledge you had at the time.

You deserve to have the full support of people in your family for giving the very best to your baby. And, as much as they may think differently, you don't owe them anything. I see from your sig that your babe is not even 2 months old. Even if you were going to introduce bottles of ebm, it's so young to leave her if you don't have to. I don't think I'll be ready to leave my baby for quite a long time and she is 3.5 mo.

The fact of the matter is, your baby is not an object to be shared with people, she's your child.

fwiw, my mil has taken to telling me I'm "normal" now that she's gotten the message I'm not leaving my dd anytime soon. Like I'm making my decisions based on her view of normal!

I hope that you can maintain your confidence!

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by FREEmom1120

You have every right to be upset. You can't go back and change how things went with your first - you did your best with what support and knowledge you had at the time.

You deserve to have the full support of people in your family for giving the very best to your baby. And, as much as they may think differently, you don't owe them anything. I see from your sig that your babe is not even 2 months old. Even if you were going to introduce bottles of ebm, it's so young to leave her if you don't have to. I don't think I'll be ready to leave my baby for quite a long time and she is 3.5 mo.

The fact of the matter is, your baby is not an object to be shared with people, she's your child.

fwiw, my mil has taken to telling me I'm "normal" now that she's gotten the message I'm not leaving my dd anytime soon. Like I'm making my decisions based on her view of normal!

I hope that you can maintain your confidence!

Thanks, Freemom. They just don't understand that I'm a SAHM mom for a REASON, kwim? I stay at home because I don't want someone else taking care of my children. I have no reason to leave DD anyway and since I don't I'd rather not introduce a bottle at all.

[Mama Mko]

I'm sorry you got ganged up on like that. It's always harder when it's two against one. Good job on standing your ground! There is no need to have your children apart from you if you don't feel like it. There will be plenty of times in the future that they can hang out with their grandparents.

I got a lot of garbage from my mother-in-law because she really wanted to babysit my older son. I was willing to hang out at her house with my son and saw no need for him to spend the night (we breastfed until he was 2.5, so that would have been difficulty overnight) without me.

I would just say stick to your guns and good job!

[mytwogirls]

Oh mama, my mom was the same way. We don't have a relationship at all (due to other issues in the family) but when we did "talk" I was the very first person in my family to breast feed...thanks to my husband convincing me to try it. My mom would always say "I don't think she is getting enough" every time my daughter would cry. I can be very rough mama. My grandmother was the same way until she saw how fat my girl was getting and then proclaimed "Wow that stuff is the best for the baby." This was the same woman who at first said "You don't know how much they are getting, why don't you just give them a bottle at least." GRRRRRRR!!!!!! Now with my second child no one bats a eye. I am however beginning to battle relatives who say I need to stop nursing once my youngest hits a year old. She is currently eight months, but that is another thread. Stick to your senses mama and hang in there. We are here for you.

[CallMeMommy]

Originally Posted by aaronsmom

Another thing my mom said to me was, "What if one day you get sick and have to stay in the hospital? You'll want her to be used to the bottle won't you?" To which I replied, "While I'm at it, why don't I give you custody of my kids now just in case I die tomorrow." :

Oh snap! Nice thinking on your feet! If they keep hassling you, just repeat "It's not up for discussion" ad nauseum until they give up. Unsupportive family members suck.

[MommytoTwo]

You have every right to be uspet. You should tell them that they arent the center of the world. Your parenting choices have nothing to do with them. Is there some reason they cant hold your daughter and love on her? Why is feeding the big thing that they need to do? I would ask them those questions.
My ILs never said it but I feel that they thought the same thing.

You are doing the best thing for your baby! Neither of my BF babies would take a bottle and everyone is just fine. Bottles are not necessary for survival.

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo

You have every right to be uspet. You should tell them that they arent the center of the world. Your parenting choices have nothing to do with them. Is there some reason they cant hold your daughter and love on her? Why is feeding the big thing that they need to do? I would ask them those questions.
My ILs never said it but I feel that they thought the same thing.

You are doing the best thing for your baby! Neither of my BF babies would take a bottle and everyone is just fine. Bottles are not necessary for survival.

We visit them and they visit us all the time so they see her plenty. They just want me to be able to leave her with them. I don't know what the big deal is! They can come visit anytime they want.

[amandaleigh37]

We visit them and they visit us all the time so they see her plenty. They just want me to be able to leave her with them. I don't know what the big deal is! They can come visit anytime they want.

I don't know what the big deal is either - my MIL always seems obsessed with wanting to watch my son, like it's not the same with me there.. and that kind of creeps me out.

I'm so sorry they are so unsupportive. You are doing the right thing for your child, so hang in there.

[FREEmom1120]

Originally Posted by amandaleigh37

I don't know what the big deal is either - my MIL always seems obsessed with wanting to watch my son, like it's not the same with me there.. and that kind of creeps me out.

It's a possessiveness issue IMO. I can relate.

[KristyDi]

They've each had their chance to be the parent. Now you're the parent and get to make the decisions. I agree with pp. If you're not going to change your mind and they're not going to change their minds, then just refuse to discuss it. There is no point in repeating your reasons and constantly trying to justify a decision you have every right to make.

mom/g-ma: you should intro formula
you: did you see xyz on the news tonight?

mom/g-ma: formula would be easier/give you a break/make baby sleep better etc.
you: the weather has been gorgeous lately hasn't it?

mom/g-ma: you're being selfish/hogging feeding the baby
you: This is not up for discussion, I saw DD smile/roll over/insert new milestone here.

I know it's hard to have family not be supportive. I haven't dealt with it with BF yet, but several of my extended family think I'm nuts for wanting and planning for an un-medicated birth. I can't wait to see what they have to say about me being "overdue" and not scheduling an induction of c-section.

Disclaimer: I dearly love my family and they love me, some of us just . . .don't think on the same wavelength.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by aaronsmom

Another thing my mom said to me was, "What if one day you get sick and have to stay in the hospital? You'll want her to be used to the bottle won't you?" To which I replied, "While I'm at it, why don't I give you custody of my kids now just in case I die tomorrow." :

well, FWIW i think this is a really good answer! snappy, sure, but right on. you don't think catastrophically all the time, so why do it about the bottle?

if i were in your situation, i would probably tell them, "i am waiting until x age to introduce a bottle of expressed breastmilk because that is what the lactation consultants say is best for nursing" (if you are ever going to use a bottle of EBM, that is). that gives them some kind of timeline and clues them into the fact that this is not about you keeping DD away from them, but rather about your nursing relationship.

if, even after hearing that, they are still demanding and pushy, i'd tell them the subject is dropped from discussion. and mean it.

[pantufla]

When my mother was being really insistent and pushy about CIO I actually got up, took my son, and left the house. End of discussion.

It's especially hard when pressure comes from Mom and Grandma. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It just seems like they should be the ones telling you, "You're doing great!"

Hang in there. You ARE doing great.

[oskie]

I think it's extra tough because you were so young the first time around (and still are in my "old" eyes! ). Your mom and grandmother probably still see you as a kid yourself and if you dare to suggest anything different than they would like, well you must be the one who is wrong. Surely it can't be them!

Is grandma your mom's mom? If so, do you remember her doing anything differently raising you than grandma did raising her? Maybe that's a way it will get through her head that different children need to be raised in different ways.

Either way, it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job despite the lack of support. Keep up the good work!

[rmzbm]

IMO, it's beyond rude. If anyone ever spoke to me like that I'd get up & leave...each & every time. Good for you for standing your ground!

[Benji'sMom]

Originally Posted by aaronsmom

They then told me I was selfish and just wanted to keep DD to myself.

Well, yeah, duh, of course you want her all to yourself. She is not their daughter she is YOUR daughter, why shouldn't you have her to yourself??? Good job standing up for yourself!

(Actually I'd be like "I hope it felt good saying that because it's the LAST time you'll ever see your grandchild." [click phone, end all contact] But that's just me...)

[JessBB]

One thing that will hopefully help is the passage of time. When ds (now 13.5 months) was born, we didn't circumcise - oh my goodness you'd think we decided to let him be raised by wolves. The, we had to deal with every.single.breastfeeding.problem - or at least it felt that way. To top it off, he had reflux and was super high-needs, and gained really, really slowly until 2-3 months. Nobody had the guts to say to me but everyone told ds I should just quit, feed ds formula, "give myself a break," etc. They didn't get it that it'd be 10000 times harder for me to quit bf'ing than it ever was to be responsible for feeding ds.

When ds was 3 months, we visited my mom - again with the wailing and hand-wringing - "he sleeps with you?!?" "you hold him for ALL his naps?!?" "he won't go in the stroller / carseat so you wear him all the time?!?" Yeah, well by the end of the visit my dad was wearing the moby and my mom was wearing the sling. When we visited MIL one month later, everyone was so taken with ds they didn't even notice that I had the audacity to bf him IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE!!

So now ds is 13 months. I rarely hear anything about our parenting practices anymore. Why? Because ds is so great and well-adjusted they have nothing to back up what they're saying! He is so secure that he loves other people, rather than being totally clingy. I can get him to sleep anywhere, rather than having to be a slave to the whole nap-crib-cry thing. He is super healthy, no ear infections, etc (not like FF nephews). He skipped baby food altogether (saved serious $$$ ) and will self-feed anything b/c we weren't shoving a spoon in his face at 4 months.

My point is not that MY baby is great - it's that I'm sure your baby is great as well and you'll see the fruits of your labor and commitment in time. In just a few months there will be so many other ways for your mom and gma to interact with your babe . . and babe will grow so much that it'll just shut their mouths right up.

Oh, and last but not least you can always use the invisible pediatrician to back you up - as in "Our pediatrician says that unnecessary formula can cause constipation and stomach upset. You don't want baby to be uncomfortable, do you??" We used this tactic a lot with regards to crying being "good" for ds.

[Mama Poot]

You're doing the right thing by standing your ground. And believe it or not, eventually they will back off. I didn't face the kind of opposition you have with those same issues, but I face it in others and I just have to hold my head high and be confident in my decisions. Eventually people give up trying to "convert" you and just leave you alone. Comments like "Are you STILL breastfeeding?" or in my case "You're having another home birth?" eventually turn into "So how is the baby doing?" My family knows better than to poke their noses in my personal business. But really, I think you're doing the best thing you can by staying confident.

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by aaronsmom

They then told me I was selfish and just wanted to keep DD to myself. They said I am over protective.

HA! I didn't let anyone but DH hold our second son after he was born. I had an unmedicated home birth and my mama instincts weren't dulled by narcotics like they were with his brother. DH kept asking me "Shouldn't we give him a bath yet? We gave Paddy a bath when he was 3 days old". I didn't let anyone give Henri a bath for 10 days. My mom came over a few days after Henri was born and she said "Can I hold him? Why don't you put him down and take a break?" And I said NO. And put him in his sling. There's nothing wrong with keeping your children "to yourself". It's the biologically appropriate thing to do.

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by Mama Poot

HA! I didn't let anyone but DH hold our second son after he was born. I had an unmedicated home birth and my mama instincts weren't dulled by narcotics like they were with his brother. DH kept asking me "Shouldn't we give him a bath yet? We gave Paddy a bath when he was 3 days old". I didn't let anyone give Henri a bath for 10 days. My mom came over a few days after Henri was born and she said "Can I hold him? Why don't you put him down and take a break?" And I said NO. And put him in his sling. There's nothing wrong with keeping your children "to yourself". It's the biologically appropriate thing to do.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that doesn't like to "share" my babies with anyone other than DH.