We may lose our dog...how would you handle this?

[boysmom2]

My boys are 3.5 and almost 6. Our dog, who we've had for 2 years now, got hit by a car today. He's spending the night at the animal hospital, and right now it sounds like it could go either way. They're going to watch him for signs of improvement, but if that doesn't happen, we may have to put him to sleep (potential head/neck injury). So, if he doesn't get better, what do I do? What do I tell them? Do we tell them that we're putting him to sleep, or do we just say that he died? Do we let them come along? I have no idea. My dog that I had as a kid somehow survived until after I was married, so I never had to deal with this as a kid.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[MommytoTwo]

I am so sorry. I used to be a vet tech. Dont say you are putting him to sleep - kids might take that literally and then be afraid to go to sleep. I would not let them go and be present. It is usually very peaceful, but I will be honest - there can be times when it may not be. I would let them go to the vet to say good-bye but then have your DH or mom or someone sit with them in the lobby, or even bring them home while you are with the dog. I would be honest as to what is happening though - esp with the 6 yr old. That the dog was hurt, he couldnt get better and is going to be inheaven (or whatever you choose to say). I dont know that I would specify that you are going to take some action to make that happen though - my concern would be that the child may think if he is hurt, what will happen etc. I would probably say that he isnt going to make it, let them say good bye and then let them think it happened naturally.
Again, I am so sorry and I hope your dog has some good news overnight.

[cee3]

We just had to euthanize our dog two weeks ago (advanced cancer). My youngest is really too young to get anything, but we told my oldest that she was very sick and that we were going to have to take her to the vet. We told him that she would not be coming home and that she was going to die. We explained that that meant that her heart would stop beating and that she would stop breathing. We reassured him that this was a very, very serious illness and that it wasn't the same thing as a cold or a cough that we get. I took her while my husband stayed home with the kids. I told my oldest what happened...that I held her, pet her head, and gave her kisses while she died; that it was very gentle and looked like she was going to sleep; and that she wasn't hurting anymore.

He seems to understand what happened and I've asked him several times if he has any questions, and he doesn't. He has said a few times that he's sad that she died, but so far he seems to be okay. My husband and I got our dog right after we got married and she was our first "baby", so we're very upset (she was fairly young, too...8). I'm trying to be careful about projecting my grief onto my DS. I told him it was okay to feel sad or to not feel sad - any feeling he had was fine.

So, I don't know if any of that was the right thing or not - we're just winging it. We're atheists, by the way, so no mention of heaven or anything like that.

[WuWei]

I would say he died as a result of the car injury, that his head and neck were so damaged that he couldn't live.


Pat

[Fyrestorm]

We just lost our beloved kitty today...dd 4YO is a bit confused. She keeps asking where Sebastian is. We have avoided the sleeping analogy and are just using died...we are also trying to get around 'got sick and died' fearing that she will think if you get sick you die.

In our case, we just explained that Sebastian was VERY old and it was his time to die. I'm not sure how much she understands though.

mama, I know how hard this is...just try to be honest and avoid wording that will scare them.

[RachelAllyse]

I remember my cat having to be put down when I was 6. I was actually at my dad & stepmom's for the weekend, and my mom called to have them break the news to me. I was very upset, but my stepmom talked to me about it and told me it was the best decision - that my cat was no longer in pain, and was happy now. She also told me about going through the same thing when she was a little girl, and then she, my dad, and my stepbrother cheered me up by cracking jokes. I thought it was a very good way to handle it, and I credit my stepmom for doing so. When I got home my mom talked to me about it more, and accepted whatever feelings I had.

I would say it's probably not a good idea to take them with you to have the dog put down. For a three and a six, it might be pretty traumatic, but that's just my opinion.

I would tell them the truth, have an honest discussion about what's happened to the dog. Let them know that he is no longer in pain. Also make it known that it's okay to grieve - maybe you could have a funeral for him? Just let them feel whatever they feel, and support them through it.

Also, be aware that they may continue to talk about it for a while. I nanny for a three-year-old who lost her great-grandmother in November, and she still brings it up all the time. She tells me that "mommom is in heaven", says she misses her, and asks me/voices concern about dying. Her parents and I talk to her and assure her that she's not going to die, that her grandma was very sick, etc.

Hope I helped a little. My heart goes out to you and your family. Losing a beloved animal is never cool.

[woobysma]

s

we lost our oldest dog at Christmas and it was really hard. DS1 (10) seemed to understand and handled it well, but DS2 (3.5) had a hard time understanding the whole "death" thing. He has actually handled it really well for the most part, but I don't think he really "gets" it. We had to talk and talk and talk about it and he still brings it up occasionally in really odd ways (for example, the other day we were taking our younger dog to the vet and DS thought we were going to be able to get "D" back because the vet had "fixed her all better"...... it was really sad)

I wouldn't suggest bringing the kids with if you have to have your dog put "to sleep" (I also wouldn't use that euphemism, like a pp said, when explaining it to them).
Our dog died at home and DS2 had a hard time dealing with the whole body disposal issue (we had D cremated, but DS2 was home when DP had to wrap her body up and put her in the car). Explaining the loss is one thing, but being faced with the physical reality is too much for a 3yo to grasp, I think. DS just didn't understand how a body could not be "alive" anymore.

I think even going to say "goodbye" would be traumatic. I don't believe in shielding children from the concept of death, but seeing your pet in that state would likely cause more confusion and trauma than just sitting the kids down and telling them that your dog won't be coming home again.

I'm sorry you guys are having to deal with this. I hope your dog pulls through

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by RachelAllyse

I would say it's probably not a good idea to take them with you to have the dog put down. For a three and a six, it might be pretty traumatic, but that's just my opinion.

It depends on the kid and the family's view of death. One of DS' first books ever was Buddha Under the Bodhi Tree which discusses what Siddhartha had to experience/see before choosing to leave his life of luxury and they were sickness, old age and death. It then talks about how no one escapes death and most don't escape sickness and old age. So when our cat needed to be put down (cancer) DS had already had a lot of experience with the ideas of sickness and death. We'd had family members fall sick, get old and/or die. Because we'd never presented death as anything out of the ordinary or scary or unmentionable we took DS with us. He had just turned 6. There was nothing traumatic about it. We held the cat and talked to him and DS was super excited to see even though our cat was too weak to do anything but just lay there in our arms every time he spoke the cat's tail twitched. He still talks about being recognized in that way.

We explained everything (the cat is very sick and dying and the Dr is going to give him a chemical which will stop his heart because waiting for him to die on his own would be too painful for him. This is the compassionate thing to do) and we were all happy to have been able to be there while our cat died. Ds had no problem processing that. After we went out for lunch and cried and laughed and shared stories about the cat.

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by woobysma

Our dog died at home and DS2 had a hard time dealing with the whole body disposal issue (we had D cremated, but DS2 was home when DP had to wrap her body up and put her in the car). Explaining the loss is one thing, but being faced with the physical reality is too much for a 3yo to grasp, I think. DS just didn't understand how a body could not be "alive" anymore.

I've never seen a vet deal with disposal in front of the family. Once you're ready to leave you leave the animal in the room and the vet cleans up, removes the body after you're gone. So in our case even after our cat's (and in the past dog's) heart had stopped we spent more time with him and when we were ready to leave the vet walked us out and then returned to clean up and dispose of the body. We did talk to DS about the body being cremated which was a known concept to him as we've had family members cremated and he knows about funeral pyres etc.

[boysmom2]

Oh, thank you all so much! This is all very helpful.

I talked to the vet this morning, and he seems to be improving, but not out of the woods yet. They're considering sending him home to see how he does, so hopefully he will continue to improve. I hope not to need all this great advice, but I feel so much better now that I have it, since we still don't really know how he'll do.

Thanks so much!

[WuWei]

About George and death

This is a repost of mine.

Mittens, our first cat, was our son's first loss. It is amazing how that models his experience surrounding death. I wanted to share a conversation our son, age 5, and I had several months ago about George and death. George is a goldfish. Mittens was our cat that died when our son was about 3. He petted her after she returned from the vet, helped dig the hole for her burial and helped fill the hole. He was not upset or distressed about death. We had discussed it as a part of the cycle of life. This is my email to my husband to give him a heads up about our discussion.

Pat

Erik and I just had a long talk about George and death. I wanted to share what I told him about this, in case he brings it up and wants to talk more. I told him that George had died. He was very quiet, with mouth agape for many seconds while processing the information. I explained that last night when we came home that he had died, and that I took him out of the water and we could bury him. I told him that I thought that maybe there was something about the water that didn't work for George. That George had been eating, but he just died. That water has molecules and nutrients and they need to be healthy for the fish and that maybe something wasn't healthy for George. Like when the air needs to be healthy for us, and pollution or smoke makes it unhealthy and we can get sick.

He said "I miss Mittens. She was my favorite cat." I repeated that 'you miss Mittens, she was fun, we love Mittens and that she was your favorite cat'. And I said Pie is our favorite little cat, Peaches is our favorite fuzzy cat, Marvin is our favorite boy cat, Honey is our favorite cheese eating cat, and Oatmeal is our favorite wild, outside cat. He laughed and nodded a little bit. And said "Mittens was my favorite cat." Then he said something like "Will Pie die?" and I said 'Yes, everything dies. Everything that is alive dies someday.' He said 'I don't want her to die.' And I said 'Well, when things get old, tired or sick, sometimes their body dies.' He said 'Mittens died. I miss her.'

It was interesting to see him processing this, and hard also not to be sad about it; and yet, needing to explain it in a manner that isn't scary or upsetting, and comfortable, was an amazing gift to me. Then he said 'Will I die?' with a bit of concern in his voice. And I gently said 'Everyone dies.' And I paused, figuring how do I explain this?!?! and said 'Our body dies, but we have a spirit of energy that stays with the people we love. So our spirit doesn't die, just our body.' I said 'Remember the Circle of Life? When things die, their body returns to the earth and nourishes the plants, and trees and becomes flowers and air and sun and helps everything that is living, so the body nourishes everything when it dies. And the spirit is always with the people who loved us. We are always together, even after our body dies.' I was getting a bit choked up at this point, but really felt glad I was comfortable with this issue enough to discuss it with him.

I said 'Dada's mama and dada died a long time ago. And their spirit is still with mama and dada and all the people who loved them.' He said 'Dada's two grandmas died.' And then he brightly said, 'Then you can get a new baby boy!' (In the past, he has spontaneously said 'I'll be born again as your baby.' in a comfortable and declarative way when we discuss being born. Or, 'Now, it will be born again.' when we have discussed things (insects, birds, etc.) dying before.' ) He hasn't connected the two: people dying and then being born again, as far as I know, until now. And I haven't led him to this belief. Interestingly, this IS a majority belief across the world. His statements have been associated with 'being born repeatedly' and "things being born again which die".) I hesitate about 'getting a new one' regarding the animals that die, because that isn't possible when people die. And yet, it seems unnecessary to live without a new pet which brings comfort and fun. They seem different, and yet it is a similar "comfort" about death to him, it seems: "Then you can get a new baby boy!" I love how he just automatically focuses on what brings joy, and let's do that again!

And I said 'Well, I think mama is too old to have another baby, but your spirit will always be with me, because I will always love you and we'll always be together.' He insistently said 'But, you need a baby boy.' And I said 'You will always be my baby boy, and we'll always be together, only our body dies, our spirits will always be together because we love each other.' Ok, so now, even I am having a tough time being comforted with this topic, while holding him in my arms, but it was so peaceful too. I explained that 'Life is a gift. We live in our body and have lots of fun experiences and then our body dies and nourishes everything and becomes everything. And our spirit is energy and continues in everyone we have ever met and loved.' He hugged my neck and smiled and said 'We'll always be together.' And he started petting Pie and then chatting about her.

I hope that sharing this conversation hasn't upset you too much. I know that this is a hard topic for you, especially about people you love. I found it interesting that he couldn't "go there" about parents dying. I wasn't wanting to make the point, just give an example where someone we love died and their spirit is still with us. He remembered that you told him that you had two grandmas that died. That was "approachable" to him. I am not sure what else he'll come up with, but I wanted to give you a heads up. I have found it comforting to have had the conversation with him. I hope this one helps you too.

Love always,

[lilyka]

I would just tell them he died because he got hit by a car. end of story. I wouldn't saying anything about putting him down. they don't need to knwo that. you are not lieing. ultimately he died because he got hit by a car.



sorry about your furry friend.

[nicole lisa]

How's your dog doing this morning?

[BunnySlippers]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I would just tell them he died because he got hit by a car. end of story. I wouldn't saying anything about putting him down. they don't need to knwo that. you are not lieing. ultimately he died because he got hit by a car.



sorry about your furry friend.

I agree with this, and the other poster who said this as well.

How is the dog doing now?

[PuppyFluffer]

You may post in the Pets forum as well. Begin a post and place a link to this one and I am sure many people who have dealt with this will be able to share their stories!

I hope he comes through this ok.

[ZenMamaJen]

We just had to euthanize our dog last Friday...we didn't tell dd that we euthanized him, we just said that he died at the vet's office (she was in school). We decided, like many of you said, that explaining why we would choose to do that would be too hard for a 4 year old to understand.

He was with us for 10 years.

I hope your pup is doing well.

[boysmom2]

Thanks everybody! I'm sorry I haven't updated this in a while - we've all also had the flu and I'm on partial bed rest for some 1st trimester bleeding (everything always happens at once, right?). Anyway, I haven't gotten to spend much time on the computer.

Our little dog is home and doing much better. We're still waiting to see if he'll regain the use of one of his front paws. Other than not using the one paw, he's mostly back to his normal self - aside from sleeping more than usual and generally acting like you'd expect when recuperating from an injury. If he doesn't start using his paw again, we may have to have it amputated. But, he's getting pretty good at getting around without it, so hopefully if we have to do that he'll be ok.

Thanks everybody.