What does an AP child look like?

[dogmom327]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this...

For those of you who aren't new to AP or are around children raised AP, what are they like at various ages? I know this probably sounds like a silly question but I'm really curious. I keep running into people who are appalled that DS doesn't sleep through the night (still eats several times), sleeps with us, doesn't CIO, we don't leave him with babysitters, use slings, etc. Some of their "parenting techniques" are so tragic.

Today my best friend's neighbor was telling me how the pediatrician told her when her son was 2 mo old to put him on a sleep schedule and that she needed to put him to bed awake so he'd learn to sleep on his own. My best friend always assumed the baby had colic because she used to hear him scream for several hours at a time (they live next door). These parents are so proud now that their son "learned" to sleep through the night this way. : They also brag that they can leave him "anywhere" and he doesn't mind (granted, it sounds like they mostly have family members babysitting). This child isn't even 2 years old yet. This seems weird to me.

What does an attached child look like? I guess I've always assumed that it would be a long time before we would be able to leave DS and even then it would be with only one or two very select people. That he would be very dependent on us until he's quite a bit older and then would slowly become more independent and confident because he knows he can count on us to always be there for him and address his needs.

Any thoughts?

[Twinklefae]

I think all AP children will "look" different. We co-sleep, but DS usually sleeps throught the night (I don't count eating in his sleep once or twice). We sling and BF and all that crunchy stuff. However, DS has lots of floor time, we use an exersaucer, and a high chair. DS takes a bottle if I'm not there.

I"m not sure why it's bad to leave the child with a babysitter if the child is okay with it? I left DS yesterday for an hour with my MIL to go pick up DP and he was fine with it. We've left him with my parents too to go out to dinner. AP is about listening to your child. If he wasn't okay with being left, we wouldn't go (and keep in mind, that mamas who work may not have that luxury).

Lots of people get misinformation from doctors and their parents. Some follow it, AP parents (hopefully) follow what their child needs moreso than what someone else says they "should" be doing.

[QueenOfThePride]

I don't think you can tell an AP'd child by looking at them, they are still all different.

[annettemarie]

Moving to parenting issues

[Keeping up]

Originally Posted by dogmom327

the pediatrician told her when her son was 2 mo old to put him on a sleep schedule and that she needed to put him to bed awake so he'd learn to sleep on his own.

I will never say that ped wasn't absolutely correct - it is exactly what the NCSS says (other than it might use the words , get your baby use to a routine, instead of the evil word, schedule). Now,letting your kiddo scream as you put the baby to bed awak isn't AP and is CIO. It mightn't work for every baby (the NCSS) but with routine, it will work for most. I am not sufficiently self-disciplined to do NCSS - I know it would work in my family (especially if I had started at 2 months), just nursing to sleep is so much easier than the nurse until very quiet, but still awake is so hard to accomplish when I am tired.

Sleeping through the night - some AP kiddos do it, some don't. My littlest one doesn't at 9 months (but did at 5 months for one glorious long month) - is that because of co-sleeping, nursing through the night lying down, personality, age, my lack of discipline to do the NCSS (see above) - I don't know, but that is OK with me (for now).

My 2 year old would eagerly go try new things and would do a sleep over with people he knew - my daugther at that age also would have done it. My first son wouldn't have - and probably still wouldn't - he isn't as good with change.

Like the PPs said, every kiddo is different, every AP child is different - the philosophy is similar. You can't judge one parent's child (AP or not AP) compared to your own, and say one is better than the next. What works for you works for you - it mightn't work for your neighbour's kiddo.

I would say we are pretty much laid-back AP - but not stringent AP (I work out of the home, I will wean at 12 months, I would love my baby not to co-sleep at this age). I have become more AP with each child (just easier to accomplish). My oldest most-non-AP (slept in her own crib from the start, never co-sleep, only breast fed for 6 months, self-weaned when I went back to work) is a kind, most cuddly, very sensitive, smart, fun kiddo to spend time with, also by-far my healthiest - so non-APing did her no harm.

[ann_of_loxley]

Like this gorgeous little boy in my sig! lmao

Ahh...well...

Of course all children look different.
All children act differently as well.

My son is 29 months and is what some people call very 'cingy'. Those that are ignorant will say its probably down to my 'parenting'. Hes clingy because I let him sleep with us and come to him when he cries and comfort him, etc etc. But I know he will gain independence in his own time. I really dont care what he is as long as he is happy and healthy. And hes not going to be truely happy and healthy if I followed the mainstream approach to independence that is based on the ideal that children wont gain any independence unless it is forced upon them. I would rather my son gain it in his own time.

Lets not forget that 'AP' is just an approach. It is the 'nurture' part of our children. Dont forget about their simple nature! Every child will vary!

However I will add that my son seems like a different person when mixed with children raised in all sort of ways (a lot we dont approve of - like children who are punished and left to cry, etc)... But get him in a room full of 'AP' children and its heaven! If only we could make a commune based on this parenting priciple lol I think in these situations you can deffinatly see what 'AP' children 'look like'. And I know I am not the only one who has noticed it!

You probably couldnt spot the 'AP' child out shopping though. You cant even spot the 'AP' parent. You can assume...I have done - unshaved organic-fied mother wearing her children in a sling and breastfeeding...lol...But its not what you do that counts, its why you do it I feel. Anyone can tick off all the boxes to appear 'AP' but behind closed doors be far from it. I know plenty of mothers to fit the steriotypical look but I feel are far from AP because they think its healty to leave a young baby crying, its okay to spank, etc etc. if any of that make sense to you!

Be happy - be proud - trust your instincts! And most important of all - listen to your child! Not your neighbour! lol... and be prepared for the rest of the world to sound depressing... I cant tell you how hard it is for me to go to the play ground with my son constantly having to hear other parents belittle and degrade and push their children. I have at least been lucky to have not been one to have witnessed smacking yet.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

Lets not forget that 'AP' is just an approach. It is the 'nurture' part of our children. Dont forget about their simple nature! Every child will vary!

:

I've been very careful (since we just have one DC so far) not to attribute DS's easy-going nature to our parenting -- it's just the way he is. (Now, if our 2nd child is that way too, I'm taking all the credit! ) He slept through the night from a very early age, has a great time at his grandparents' houses without DH and I there, etc.

I have "AP" and "mainstream" friends whose kids are fairly similar to DS in those regards, and "AP" and "mainstream" friends whose kids have more sleep issues and are more clingy.

[prancie]

I second the pp. You cannot really tell an AP kid from a non AP kid from jus seeing them or from surface level interaction. You can see parents and guess that they AP, but even then it's not a sure thing. AP is about listening to and responding to your baby's or child's needs and often their desires, as at some points in development needs and desires are the same. It is a mentality that is supposed to make healthy, happy, well adjusted ADULTS, not quiet, obedient kids. So much of typical parenting is about getting your children to "behave", but I find this approach tragic because it leaves out the ultimate goal. So, AP and non-AP kids may seem the same, but I believe that the ultimately the AP'd kid has the advantage in adult life.

And to clarify, I think many people think that APing stops at the end of babyhood or toddlerhood, but I think the concepts go on and on.

[GuildJenn]

I just echo that the AP kid looks like... the child, but a child who has hopefully learned that for the most part the world will:

- listen to him/her
- meet his/her needs
- provide comfort

I think what you're asking though is about artificial milestones. The milestone of "sleeping through the night, generally meaning in bed alone" for example, which is really a cultural construct. (Whereas something like language acquisition happens across the board in different cultures.)

I'd be hesitant to try to set up "AP milestones" because AP in a sense is ideally both respectful of developmental patterns (A 9 month old can't understand not to empty the cup) but also of the individual (some children are ready for their own bed at 2 yrs, others at 6, etc.)

[KA29]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I just echo that the AP kid looks like... the child, but a child who has hopefully learned that for the most part the world will:

- listen to him/her
- meet his/her needs
- provide comfort

I think what you're asking though is about artificial milestones. The milestone of "sleeping through the night, generally meaning in bed alone" for example, which is really a cultural construct. (Whereas something like language acquisition happens across the board in different cultures.)

I'd be hesitant to try to set up "AP milestones" because AP in a sense is ideally both respectful of developmental patterns (A 9 month old can't understand not to empty the cup) but also of the individual (some children are ready for their own bed at 2 yrs, others at 6, etc.)

I also don't think there are AP milestones...my dd (who is 6) slept through the night early...around 2 1/2 months or so (for 6-8 hours). My son (who is 2 1/2) didn't do that until he was 18 mos. and even now it is not unusual for him to wake up once and need some help getting back down.

What I think the difference is with AP is that my kids are more confident in themselves and more trusting of dh and I as their parents than they would be if parented in a different way. Dd is still a cautious child and ds is still an adventurer, but I get the sense they both feel more free to be who they are than some of their friends and they are more willing to take a risk and fail because they are less afraid of making mistakes. They also have faith in dh and I, that we will never intentionally hurt them (which I think goes along with the rest). I see the results of that trust and confidence more and more as dd ages, as compared to some of her friends' whose parents are very mainstream (especially about spanking).

HTH

[littlecindy]

honestly i don't know many in *real* life, but the SAHM who is our daycare provider has 3 kids raised AP and both my husband and i agree that they are the most well-behaved kids we've ever seen. they are now like 5, 9 & 11, though, so i don't know waht they were like younger. i do know it took them a long time to sleep through the night. it's actually the one thing that makes me ok that my son at 7 months DOESN'T STTN and that we pretty much cosleep...her kids are so lovely, it reminds me of the benefits of much of the AP philosophy even when i'm so sleep deprived i could cry.

[greeny]

I have known "AP" and "mainstream" kids who are clingy, courageous, challenging, easy going, introverted, extroverted, self confident, afraid, timid, insecure, intelligent, explosive, etc. The list goes on.

Yes, nurture is very important. Or else we wouldn't all be here. But each child is so different from the next, and the insinuation that if someone just parents perfectly their child will be "better" is annoying at best. (This isn't directed at the OP by any means, seriously, just a tiny vent on the subject from a mama of one very "challenging" ap'd child and one very "easy going" ap'd child. )

[aussiemum]

I agree that all kids are different, & I think that varying parenting philosophies (outside of abuse, of course) probably influence our children a lot less than we think they do.

And I don't think that you can judge a mama by her hairy 'pits & hippy looks, amongst other things. I've know a few who think it is just fine for their kids to experience the odd smack or two & cry alone at night. It kinda surprised me a bit, but then again I was just buying into the stereotype....

[MammaB21]

I agree that every kid is different, but I have to say that I truely think AP is the best, and right way to parent my child, and I honestly think it will deffinately make her a better person. If I didn't, then I would be mainstream. I see a general outline here that most think kids are gonna be who they are, and the way we parent has little to do with that. Maybe I am just being nieve, but I hope that my parenting style help to nurish my childs uniqueness and allow my child to grow to be the best person they can be. Of course there are fundamentals of ones personality that wont change. But I think CIO, spanking, etc...are things that can most deffinately effect a person for the long run, and impact their personality. In other words, to answer the original question, I think that AP children will typically be MORE independant, since they werent forced to do so before they were ready. They will probably be more self assured and comfurtable making their own decisions, trying new things, meeting new people. Later on in life, I would hope that my child will have better relationships with others, since her inner desire to be a baby has allready been fulfilled when it was appropriate in her life. I hope she will have better philosophies on life, and be caring toward others. Again, these are my hopes, and of course we can't controll how our kids turn out. But I would like to think I can help.

[MammaB21]

I just wanted to add that I know a few AP children, and lots of 'mainstream' kids. I think I do see a difference. But not necessarily one I could point out. We are constantly getting comments on how well behaved our DD is. Well, guess what, she is a toddler, she throws temper tantrums, and is generally a handfull, just like a typical 2 year old. But I think that people see a difference in our relationship with her. They don't see us threatening to spank her, or give her time outs, or yelling at her for exploring her world. And they see her reacting to that. They see her calming down pretty quickly, and if she doesn't we take her out of the environement or distract her instead of calling her naughty or something. In reality they are just picking up on our perspective of our child. Does that make sense? I am rambling sorry.