How do you define attachement parenting?

[Dea]

I know I can find definitions on line, but I want to know how you attach to your baby.
I ask this because I am a little sad. I still can't breastfeed. I didn't get the natural birth I wanted, I can't conceive without assistance. I feel like I'm being failed across the board, however I do think my baby is attached to me. And it makes my heart blossom. But other things I can do would be great. So far I've just been whinging it. She is rarely beyonds arms reach of me. When I bottle feed her, it's our time, we cuddle, make eye contact and have our moments. I love that when she's upset I can just say her name and sing a little song and she calms down.

So what do you do?

[flapjack]

Do you know how jealous I am that your DD is responding to you, you singing to her, your voice? With me I've never known for certain whether it was me or booby they wanted at this age.
It sounds like the two of you are extremely securely attached, despite your grief at birth and breastfeeding going a bit pearshaped. It's OK to grieve.
Can I tell you something? Way back in 77, my mother had me by elective c-section after 15 years of TTC and for various reasons, I was bottlefed. I was held close and cherished every minute until she went back to work- when I had a nanny who had done the birth and breastfeeding thing, who held me close and cherished me for 8 hours of the day. Total love and cossetting. When I had nightmares as a 7yo, I was tucked up in the middle of mum and dad's bed, the night my boyfriend died at 17, my mother was up holding me and taking my feelings seriously throughout the night.
And you know what? The hardest thing she's ever done was hold her tongue and watch me give birth at home, knowing that she made a different choice for herself. And that night, she cried and cried and cried for how things could have been for her. She kicks ass. We are VERY securely attached, despite the fact that she misses every single box on the MDC checklist. I'm also privileged to know IRL a mother who had an emergency c-section with her first, has had more miscarriages than me and couldn't breastfeed: I say privileged because not only is she one of the nicest people I know, she's also an amazing parent.

[Dea]

Aww thanks Helen, your reply made me feel so much better.
Thank you.

[Mommy2Austin]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Do you know how jealous I am that your DD is responding to you, you singing to her, your voice? With me I've never known for certain whether it was me or booby they wanted at this age.
It sounds like the two of you are extremely securely attached, despite your grief at birth and breastfeeding going a bit pearshaped. It's OK to grieve.
Can I tell you something? Way back in 77, my mother had me by elective c-section after 15 years of TTC and for various reasons, I was bottlefed. I was held close and cherished every minute until she went back to work- when I had a nanny who had done the birth and breastfeeding thing, who held me close and cherished me for 8 hours of the day. Total love and cossetting. When I had nightmares as a 7yo, I was tucked up in the middle of mum and dad's bed, the night my boyfriend died at 17, my mother was up holding me and taking my feelings seriously throughout the night.
And you know what? The hardest thing she's ever done was hold her tongue and watch me give birth at home, knowing that she made a different choice for herself. And that night, she cried and cried and cried for how things could have been for her. She kicks ass. We are VERY securely attached, despite the fact that she misses every single box on the MDC checklist. I'm also privileged to know IRL a mother who had an emergency c-section with her first, has had more miscarriages than me and couldn't breastfeed: I say privileged because not only is she one of the nicest people I know, she's also an amazing parent.

I couldn't even begin to say it better than Helen

You are doing your very best mama! AP isn't about doing everything "right." It's about doing the things that are best for your family and help you to have a happy, healthy, beautiful relationship with your children. Its your children growing up knowing that mommy and daddy will always be there to help and take care of them. You keep doing everything you are momma I'm sure baby feels very well loved

[justmama]

Like Helen, I'm incredibly jealous of you for LOTS of reasons. I might have had a natural childbirth and conceived naturally(accidentally) and I may be nursing, BUT Grace spent her first two weeks of life in a plastic box with other people poking and prodding her and hurting her and being out of arms and NOT nursing. She cried herself to sleep a lot. She came home completely NOT trusting anyone to hold her and love her so she slept great on her own but fussed like mad when I held her because it was so unfamiliar. I missed her first bath. I got to hold her for less than a minute(I caught her and slapped away the midwife's hands. that's the only reason I got to hold her) before she was taken from me. And we continue to struggle. You all are starting to get smiles and my girl is 2 months old and still can't hold up her head. And this is good compared to my last preemie. She stilil could't remember to keep breathing at 4 and 5 months old. She would stop breathing in the middle of the day or night and we had to carry around not only her but an apnea monitor as well. So while I'm blessed to have a healthy baby, I'm incredibly jealous of you all who got to carry your babies to term. I can't even remember what that's like. But we all will deal with the hand that's dealt us and we will carry on. I am glad she's breathing. I'm glad she's gaining weight. I'm glad she's nursing at all even though her latch makes me cringe in pain.

[LawrenceDoula]

Yes, I agree with the previous posters.

I think it's about parenting by instinct. Just being in tune with your baby and their needs. It sounds like you're doing an awesome job! I wish I'd been as strong as you after my first c-section. I was too disappointed in myself and not thinking about my baby enough. You're an inspiration!

[the elyse]

i think just the fact that you WANT to be an attached parent makes you one. there aren't a set of rules you have to follow...that's the point. like everyone else said, your instincts are exactly what you should follow and what your baby needs. big hugs to you dea!!! you're a fantastic mommy!!!

[LoveChild421]

Originally Posted by the elyse

i think just the fact that you WANT to be an attached parent makes you one. there aren't a set of rules you have to follow...that's the point. like everyone else said, your instincts are exactly what you should follow and what your baby needs. big hugs to you dea!!! you're a fantastic mommy!!!

exactly, to me its always been about going with my instincts (breaks my heart to hear him cry or not have him in the bed with me at night!) and respecting my babies needs including emotional needs.

My mom had a medicated birth with me and bottlefed both of her kids but I would definately say she is attachment parenting minded. She held us often and bottle-nursed like you're doing, let us co-sleep until we wanted our own bed, always listened and respected our opinions. When she realized that cry it out is common nowdays she was horrified.

[steph117]

Dea, your little girl must absolutely sense how much she was wanted - how much you went through to get her here. To me attachment parenting is all about love - your children knowing you love them unconditionally. That she responds to you the way she does sounds like she feels that.

[BabyBump]

Don't get down on the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. All that matters is that you have her to love. Sounds like you are pretty attached to me!

[Writerbird]

My boy was a natural birth, a champ nurser, sleeps in our bed, and doesn't cry for two minutes without mama or daddy hugging him close.

If he knows his name, I can't tell. My singing makes him cry harder. And I'm getting biceps like a boxer, because I hold him while he cries... and his royal highness Sir Gassypants screams from 6-8 every night despite everything including diet restriction.

I would trade my natural birth for being able to comfort my little boy. In a heartbeat.

I think we're both attached parents, in other words, and furthermore that you're doing better at it.

[bloominmamas]

I personally view attachment parenting as not letting the baby cry it out (except for those moments when you need to put the baby down for a couple of minutes to gather more patience/resolve/to pee, etc.), also wearing the baby (if the baby likes it), loving feeding (holding the baby, the bottle, making eye and physical contact), gentle discipline, active participation. I am sure there is more but mama brain has arrived

[nolonger]

I think that all of us have some successes and some failures. I couldn't conceive ds2 naturally either. I feel very good about the known donor i ultimately chose, but that doesn't change the fact that my son doesn't have a daddy. Neither of my older children could be enticed to continue homeschooling past high school age. I was so "touched out" by the time ds1 was six that I put an end to both cosleeping and nursing because I just wanted to be alone. EC has not gone as well with ds2 as I wanted and I have no idea how long I'll be able to avoid putting him in day care, where he may need formula, disposable diapers, hours of cio in a plastic infant seat, early exposure to television, and other mainstream baby rearing practices I would not have chosen for him.

You and Beatrix sound very attached to me. I'm glad that bottle nursing is going well and that your recovery from surgery is going smoothly. You're a wonderful mommy and it's only going to get better as you fall more and more in love with your daughter!