dh "babysits" his own kids??

[wish]

I'm not sure where to post this...hopefully this is right

My dh is basically making me crazy...he doesn't like my work schedule because than he gets stuck with "babysitting" the girls on his days off. Some background..we are both nurses, he works 3 days a week 12hr shifts. I work every Fri, Sat, Sun, 8hr shifts, but get paid for working 12hrs each day. Sor right now I'm basically beating the system, working less getting paid more, and still get to be home with my kids 4 days a week.

He is getting frustrated and angry with me for working this schedule because he wants to do hunting/fishing/biking on his days off instead of just babysitting. Hello???? Isn't that what parenting is-a full time job! Right now with a 5mo and a 3 year old, you may not get to run out and do everything you want to. This schedule works because we need minimal daycare. His answer to this is our girls can go to daycare like the rest of the world. What! Make them go to daycare (and have to pay for it no less) so you can go fishing?? Now I'm saying we all don't need a little time off once and awhile. But I don't see the point in rearranging our lives and our girls just to suit him.

The flip side of this that drives me crazy is my days off, even though I am home along with the girls all day, are considered days off by him. He would flip out if I said I wanted to change our schedules around and pay for daycare just because I want time off to visit friends/ shop whatever. That would never fly! Not to mention he goes on a one week hunting trip each year. When I mentioned that I should get to take a solo trip his response was "well your the one that wanted kids" ughhhh!

Maybe I just need to vent, but would love to hear any suggestions or similar stories. Thanks mamas!

[GooeyRN]

I don't have any advice, but I feel for you. He is a parent too, and just needs to suck it up. You both deserve a bit of free time, but daycare really isn't the way to go just for a little free time. I am assuming you rarely ever both have a day off work, right? If you do, can you alternate who gets the day or split the day somehow? Do you have any family to watch the kids while he gets a little free time? I feel for ya. I really do. Having kids is a commitment and he needs to realize that he can't do whatever he wants on his days off for a few years. Soon enough they will be in school (if you arent homeschooling) and he will have his time to go fishing then.

[moonfirefaery]

It's called parenting, not babysitting. "Babysitting" implies that parenting is your job. It's his job, too.
I think you should tell him what you just told us about if the situation were reversed.

[wish]

We do have days off together, maybe once a week. I like the idea of taking turns on the days off. He's just like talking to a brick wall on this subject. We don't have any family here, which doesn't make it any eaiser. Maybe we need a babysitter more often?? Young kiddos are wonderful and stressful all n one cute package.

[Jane]

I don't know what daycare options you have, but it seems like a one day a week daycare slot might work great - then you could alternate it and have one day off every other week. Sometimes I just want to be heard, not shot down - try troubleshooting this one with him with suggestions. Get out the paper and figure the finances - have him do the shopping for a place...maybe you'd be willing to discuss it IF he agreed to never, EVER call parenting his own kids "babysitting" again!

Sorta related - my mother is a widow, and has two small kids at home. We joke that she really needs an ex-husband - you know, someone who loves the kids dearly to TAKE THEM every other weekend or so.

[kalisis]

I agree, sit down and figure out what you can afford. Maybe even preschool for the older one a couple of days a week? It sounds like you both could use some time to yourselves. It's not bad to want that, but your DH certainly isn't going about it the right way.

Anyway, try to brainstorm ways you can get some time alone or even alone together?

Good luck mama.

[wish]

you guys make me feel so much better! I think just even typing it out helps. I was so angry at first I couldn't even come up with any solutions. Maybe I plan a suprise night out....

[lilyka]

i think he is being immature and unreasonable. but if he wants some time off how would you feel about finding a babysitter who could give either one of you a day off every now and then? but if you are both working you both deserve equal free time. There is no reason he should get days off and you shouldn't. good grief.

I would also call around and check out the price of day care. that might be a good wake up call for him. around here if you could find a spot for the baby (IF!) you are looking at $300 a week and likely at two different places. sounds like fun to me. :

[ebethmom]

We team tag here, too. My hours away from home are longer than dh's work hours, so he actually ends up spending more time with our kids. We've had really tight years when babysitting fees were just not in our budget. Those were tiring times! We've been able to balance it better lately, and dh does hire a babysitter once or twice a week now. The babysitter time is for when our work hours overlap. But there have been a few times that we've hired a sitter so dh can do something extra.

Maybe you could look into hiring a sitter once a week so dh can have some down time. That might be more affordable than a regular day care. I haven't had to look for daycare, but I can imagine that it might be difficult (and expensive) to find a Fri - Sun daycare provider.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by moonfirefaery

It's called parenting, not babysitting. "Babysitting" implies that parenting is your job. It's his job, too.
I think you should tell him what you just told us about if the situation were reversed.

Yep, that's the way I thought about it, too! Lucky for me, my dh agreed and I used to love hearing him "correct" people..

[siobhang]

Originally Posted by moonfirefaery

It's called parenting, not babysitting. "Babysitting" implies that parenting is your job. It's his job, too.
I think you should tell him what you just told us about if the situation were reversed.

Ayup. The word "babysitting" combined with "father" totally set me off. Well, that and how mom's potential income is the one that needs to cover childcare, like it is doing HER a favor.

A colleague of DH's asked him once if he babysits a lot. DH replied "Are you kidding? With my own kids to watch, who has time to take care of someone else's kids too?" The colleague got the point.

I was at a reunion dinner with some friends (most with kids, but a few childless). One childless woman asked the lone guy at the table "Do you babysit your baby a lot?" THREE of us, all moms, jumped on it "BABYSIT? BABYSIT? IT IS HIS FREAKIN' KID. You can't babysit your OWN kid!"

She got the point real fast (to her credit she hadn't really thought of the issue as she doesn't have her own kids).

Oh, and the "you are the one who wanted kids" crap has got to end. It sounds like he is trying to use it as a "get out of jail free" card. If he agreed to have kids with you, he agreed to ALL the responsibility for caring for them in partnership with you. Period. End of statement. No exceptions.

Life with kids is hard and we don't always get what we want. Life sucks and then you die. Whatever. ; )

[Prensa]

Originally Posted by Izzysmom's delusional dh

"your the one that wanted kids"

:




he needs to wake up and smell reality

good luck momma...

[Prensa]

not to mention (no offense to anyone who does use daycare) but being able to work a schedule and keep your kids out of day care is AWESOME!! you guys are so lucky!! it's not just a huge money saver, but it also protects your kids from unnecessary frequent illness and spending their day with strangers, don't you (and presumeably your dh) want to be the primary influence on your kids?

and I won't even get into all the day care horror stories, you can check these places out but stuff still happens, can you imagine?

Then there's the issue that you work weekends, so those are the days your dh must have off, good luck trying to find a daycare for weekends!

oh man, I really feel for ya momma...

I'm all for getting a break once in a while, but it's gotta be somewhat equal, if he gets kid free time then you should too (maybe not as feasable with a tiny babe, but eventually) but for him to expect to have all his days off from the job as days off from the family? no way!

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by Prensa

spending their day with strangers, don't you (and presumeably your dh) want to be the primary influence on your kids?

and I won't even get into all the day care horror stories, you can check these places out but stuff still happens, can you imagine?

I've never left my child with a "stranger"! A stranger is someone I don't know. I never pulled someone away from a bus stop to look after my child! I interviewed and investigated and visited and people I didn't know ultimately became loving and trusted caregivers -- caregivers that my DS still wants to visit even though he's been in school over a year!

As for daycare horror stories, they are scary. But, statistically, children are much more likely to be injured and killed in the care of parents, family members, and "trusted family friends" than in daycare.

I know this is hijacking the thread and I know that the poster didn't mean these comments to be offensive, but these are the sorts of postings that make MDC an unfriendly place for WOHM.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by DariusMom

I've never left my child with a "stranger"! A stranger is someone I don't know. I never pulled someone away from a bus stop to look after my child! I interviewed and investigated and visited and people I didn't know ultimately became loving and trusted caregivers -- caregivers that my DS still wants to visit even though he's been in school over a year!

As for daycare horror stories, they are scary. But, statistically, children are much more likely to be injured and killed in the care of parents, family members, and "trusted family friends" than in daycare.

I know this is hijacking the thread and I know that the poster didn't mean these comments to be offensive, but these are the sorts of postings that make MDC an unfriendly place for WOHM.

Thank you for posting that.

It's wonderful if avoiding daycare works for the OP's (or anyone's) family. We have done that ourselves when we can.

Back to the OP: I can understand the need for the OP's dh to have time to pursue his interests on a regular basis. I strongly disagree with the idea of a father caring for his children being called "babysitting" but I can understand the need for some time alone. Dh and I tag team on our weekends/days off. We make sure that both of us have the chance to do things that we want to do alone.

[becoming]

Honestly, I can't believe the nerve of a father who would call taking care of his own children "babysitting."

to you, mama.

[weliveintheforest]

I don't think he is being fair to you

[Mrsboyko]

My DH tried pulling the babysitting crap out a few times in the early months. i was VERY quick to correct him (pretending to be WAY more offended than i really was) and he hasn't made that mistake again.

As for the OP's problem, I agree that everyone needs some child free time, but there can not be the double standard. For every day he gets to fish, hunt whatever, you get a day to at least go shopping by yourself. I do have my DD in DC full time and while she loves it there, I could do with that extra money in my pocket. You guys have it great right now. Maybe look for a college student that could come by one day a week or something. A little relief for both of you and a change of pace for the kids.

[cyndimo]

Parents who "babysit" their own kids drive me batty!
I love siobhang;s DH's response!

Although it won't help with the fishing/hunting thing, for me as a SAHM, joining a gym with an hour of childcare has been a total sanity saver. That hour where I can sweat and then shower without anyone *touching* me gives me the energy to run around all afternoon!

Also, your husband might want to think more about how he wants to spend the day with your kids. If he's into fishing and hunting, one assumes he loves the outdoors - maybe there's a state park or other natural preserve nearby? Put the baby in a carrier and chase the 3yo along the path, point out neat plants and try not to scare the wildlife!

I agree with a pp that checking out the cost and avail of childcare might throw some cold water on that. Also back-of-the-envelope budgeting to figure out what goes (perhaps airfare or gas for that once-a-year trip of his?) when you are paying for childcare or not earning your salary. Also, in these says of job insecurity, having two FT workers each with insurance (if that's applicable to your) to a very good thing.

Good luck!
Cyndi

[lin1235]

Originally Posted by moonfirefaery

It's called parenting, not babysitting. "Babysitting" implies that parenting is your job. It's his job, too.
I think you should tell him what you just told us about if the situation were reversed.

Yeah, that.