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Originally Posted by EnviroBecca  I agree that he is taking a rude, oblivious, selfish, and unrealistic attitude.
However, I would like to point this out: If I understand your explanation correctly, he is working 36 hours a week and you are working 24. You may be getting paid the same amount, but you actually have more hours away from your job than he does. Perhaps you could use this fact to negotiate with him: "You're at work 12 hours a week more than I am, and I appreciate that. You should get 12 hours a week when you can do your own things. Let's schedule those hours so you'll be sure to get them. What are the times during the week when you most want time off?" Then commit to having the girls with you or a babysitter at those times. This doesn't mean that YOU never get any time off or that those 12 hours are his ONLY time off in a week; other times can be arranged as you go. But having some time that he can count on might help him feel that things are more fair.
Consider The POD Concept as a way of talking and thinking about parental responsibility that might get both of you on the same page. It was very helpful to me to point out to my partner, for instance, that I am the POD during my daily commute, so not only am I out of the house more hours than he is but I've put in 1-2 hours of POD time before I even get home! |
I like the idea, except I see one little flaw. Maybe it won't bother the OP though. It implies that while DH is working 12 extra hours, that DW therefore has 12 "free" hours a week.
But she's working those hours as well. Taking care of kids.
My DH and I tag team, with zero outside child care (not even a grandmother one Saturday morning a month... zero). I didn't realize it was so rough for everyone... but it sure is rough for us. Our marriage is at a breaking strain, and that's a damn shame because I'm married to the greatest guy in the world. But we're tired, neither of us has any downtime, and we're both constantly sleep deprived (him because of his night-shift hours, and me because of my night-waking DD). Anyway that's kind of off topic, but it was interesting to hear that our troubles may be centered on this lifestyle, because honestly I can't figure out why we fight all the freaking time (there are no big issues... money's ok, no affairs, no drinking, no drugs, we share almost all values and respect the rest, we don't even have a MIL with horns to blame.... sigh).
DH has never had the "babysitting" attitude and scorns it in others.
But like other PPs said, as one half of a tag-teaming duo, I can certainly understand your DH's need for some real downtime, though I also seriously can't condone his very immature point of view about it. Glad you seem to feel better about it, and it seems you have a great chance of solving the issue for both of you.
In our case, I "work" 10 hours a week more than DH. I can assure you that I do not in any way feel like I'm taking more of a burden than he is or that I deserve more downtime. Honestly, I feel like I deserve less. Taking care of one small child all day (don't even know what two is like!!) is a lot of work, even when the child is very calm.
