What would you do if... - Page 2

[choli]

We have discussed it. They are aware of the options. They know their aunt got pregnant at 16, kept the baby, and went on to have a happy and successful life and career. They also know that being a very young mother is difficult emotionally and financially.

Older DD (14) says she would definitely abort. Younger DD (11) thinks she would choose adoption. We've discussed birth control very thoroughly as well. They do know how to prevent a pregnancy, so barring contraceptive failure we hope we won't have to face this decision. Neither wants to have children young, at least now.

[panamama]

*sniffle*

the replies in this thread have brought to tears (the good kind). what a great bunch of mamas.

i was a teen mom and my DS is the same age now as i was when i had him, so i think about this very thing alot. it scares me, but he and i have plenty conversations about it and i think that's good. it think we'd be o-k if it were to happen, but i'd of course rather it not. i've been very open with him about sex, safety/contraception, and the financial/emotional/mental struggles of parenting (or just being a responsible adult)...to the point that he often says he doesn't want any kids until he's done ABCXYZ.

[MarineWife]

I have actually worried about this some because I have only boys so we would sort of have no control over the situation. Ultimately, it would be up to the girl to decide what to do. I guess if she wanted to give the baby up for adoption we'd have the option of adopting, which I would do without a second thought. However, it she decided to have an abortion, there wouldn't be anything we could do about it as far as I know.

Ideally, though, the mother would want to have the baby and be involved and also allow us to be involved. I would expect my son to respect whatever the girl chose to do, although that could be very hard for everyone. Assuming the baby was born, I would expect my son to be as much of a father as he could be considering his age and maturity. I would do anything and everything to support both of them.

I was 20 when I became unexpectedly pregnant with my first child. I remember not really feeling emotionally supported by anyone close to me. Both my parents encouraged me to have an abortion, which was just not something I could do. My mother was supportive financially and very attached to my baby and she helped me out a lot with baby care but not with my own emotional needs about the situation. It was very clear from my dad and stepmother that I was an embarassment. I remember my dad saying something along the lines of me making my bed so now I had to lay in it when I asked him for help. That was very hurtful. I would never do anything like that to anyone.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

My mother was supportive financially and very attached to my baby and she helped me out a lot with baby care but not with my own emotional needs about the situation.

This statement struck me, as I try to be very supportive of my dd and her ds but wonder if I fall short on the emotional support. What could she have done for you that would have been more supportive emotionally?

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

This statement struck me, as I try to be very supportive of my dd and her ds but wonder if I fall short on the emotional support. What could she have done for you that would have been more supportive emotionally?

That's a hard one to answer because I can only guess since I've never actually experienced it to know if it would've made a difference. I felt very alone as a young single mother. None of my friends had babies. All the people that I knew or knew of who had babies were at least 10 years older than me and in what I considered a much higher social status than me, married, middle to upper middle class. I didn't think I was good enough to be friends with them. I felt like trash, basically, because that was how society looked at me.

I think it would've helped if my mother had asked me how I felt about the whole thing then just listened without making any comments except maybe that she understood. It would've helped if she had validated me and my feelings. It may have helped if she had told me that I wasn't worthless or trash and that my life wasn't stuck. Of course, she first would've had to know how I felt but she never did because she never asked. We never had the type of relationship where we talked openly about feelings. If we had, maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone. Maybe I would've felt like I could've told her how I felt without her asking.

[Jessy1019]

Like Arduinna, I would say congrats first . . . I don't think of teen pregnancy as a crisis, and I am still annoyed at my mom's reaction when I got pregnant at 22 -- "You're having an abortion!"

I would support my daughter or son's girlfriend in having an abortion (take them, pay for it, and take care of them after) or raising the baby (as much babysitting as I would do if they became parents at an older age, helping them get set up with diapers and clothes, etc).

Adoption is not an option for my family, period.

[MillingNome]

Both dh and I work in alternative ed. Dd knows it would not be the end of the world. Obviously the preference would be to hold off until after college or at the very least high school graduation. I would support her in whatever decision she made about a pregnancy but would let her know I would be willing do anything to see her through the pregnancy, delivery and care of baby.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

Adoption is not an option for my family, period.

How would this work if it were your son's baby and the mother wanted adoption? Do you just mean you wouldn't adopt outside the family? Or, I guess if the mother didn't want the baby, the father would have an inherent right to keep the baby? I, too, were not want the baby to be adopted out but I'm not sure how I could control that situation since I have only boys.

[lactivist]

Interesting that this was the first post I ran across when I came here this morning. I am in the exact situation you describe. My 16 yo dd just came to me a week ago to tell me she was late. She is pregnant and keeping the baby. We are being VERY supportive, allowing her to make decisions, standing by her, loving her, guiding her, giving her reality checks and tons of information.

I honestly can't believe this is my life. I have four kids 16, 10, 3 and 6 months. My dd2 will be an aunt at 14 months. We are all going to be living her in our smallish 3b/2b. It is going to be total chaos.

I didn't know how I would react until faced with the situation. I had a saintly parenting moment when she came to me and I thought I had to tread carefully with what I say because she will remember it all for her whole life. I am doing my very best to be neutral and supportive. I have never walked a tougher road in my life.

Wendi

[editmom]

Wow, first of all to all of the mamas and all of the parents of mamas who were totally supportive, way to go! I admire you and/or your parents. I don't have to worry about this as my kids are older but I am still concerned about ds, 23 and his girl friend. I can't stand her in reality and that makes me feel badly so I have been very neutral lately since they are still together 2.5 yrs later after a lot of stuff. I try to listen but when he complains about her i remind him that he is the one with her and made his decisions, not I. If they turned up pregnant after reading this I would be 100% supportive and congratulate them. If they tell us it's cause they are keeping it otherwise they would have aborted. I would be supportive and tell them what a miracle it is and support them MORE then I already do. Financially they are a drain. He is trying hard though.

For my daughters? I would be a wreck if the one in an abusive relationship told me she was pregnant but I would be supportive on the outside. I would morn for the child as I know she would continue to be with the abusive controlling partner and his psycho abusive family. That one I worry about everyday as we adopted her and now she hates us seeing me as the one who hurt her, took her from her birth mom. She really believes I am the root of all of her problems. She has severe attachment disorder as well as PTSD. I would love her as much as I could. Youngest daughter I would support 100%.

[Mama Dragon]

I told my parents I was pg at 15. They were separated so I told my dad in person and he made a couple snide, crude remarks, but got over it and started treating me like an adult, but helped me out even though he hated (like wanted to kill) the father.

I told my mom on the phone and she cried. Just burst into tears. I kinda felt bad for having to tell her...she never did really respond well to me after that, but was supportive when I tried a separation from the father and I stayed with her for a week.

For my kids....just support all the way but I will not let them get away with dumping the kid off on me and doing nothing but party and mess around. Please don't misunderstand what I say there. I'll gladly babysit so they can finish college, let them live with us, let my child have some fun away from their child, but my SIL literally dumped her kid, and later kids, off on her mom and just ran wild...almost solely because mom allowed it.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

How would this work if it were your son's baby and the mother wanted adoption? Do you just mean you wouldn't adopt outside the family? Or, I guess if the mother didn't want the baby, the father would have an inherent right to keep the baby? I, too, were not want the baby to be adopted out but I'm not sure how I could control that situation since I have only boys.

If the father asserts his parental rights, the baby cannot be adopted away. He can refuse to sign away his rights and demand custody. If neither my son/daughter nor their partner were willing to raise the baby but didn't abort for some reason, I would do everything I could to get them to grant their dad and I guardianship of our grandchild, encouraging them to spend as much time with their babe as they wanted and hoping that once they got used to the idea, they would end up having full custody themselves.

I would never want my grandchild to have to live with being adopted away, and I wouldn't want my own child to have to live with the consequences of surrendering a child either. They are being raised to know more than just the sappy-happy myths about adoption, though, so I can't really see either one wanting that for themselves or their kids.

Even so, the thought of my son getting anyone pregnant outside of a really committed relationship scares me far more than the thought of my daughter getting pregnant.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

Even so, the thought of my son getting anyone pregnant outside of a really committed relationship scares me far more than the thought of my daughter getting pregnant.

Thank you for answering my questions. I don't have girls so I can't compare but the idea of having no control over such a situation really scares me with having boys.

[kittymac]

Originally Posted by lactivist

Interesting that this was the first post I ran across when I came here this morning. I am in the exact situation you describe. My 16 yo dd just came to me a week ago to tell me she was late. She is pregnant and keeping the baby. We are being VERY supportive, allowing her to make decisions, standing by her, loving her, guiding her, giving her reality checks and tons of information.

I honestly can't believe this is my life. I have four kids 16, 10, 3 and 6 months. My dd2 will be an aunt at 14 months. We are all going to be living her in our smallish 3b/2b. It is going to be total chaos.

I didn't know how I would react until faced with the situation. I had a saintly parenting moment when she came to me and I thought I had to tread carefully with what I say because she will remember it all for her whole life. I am doing my very best to be neutral and supportive. I have never walked a tougher road in my life.

Wendi

I can totally relate to your post. I have a 21 yr old dd, 19 and 16 yr old Ds's and 4 yr and 22 month old dd's.

I had my oldest when I was 17. I really wish I had felt more support and less disappointment from my mother. At 15 my oldest came to me and said she was pregnant. Dh and I were VERY careful to show love and support. I was scared for her, but determined she wouldn't see it.


She had her daughter in April/03, and I found out the following month I was pregnant. Talk about a shock! And now I have a second child.

SO, in essense, I became a mom at 17, a grandma at 33, and have had 2 children since becoming a grandmother.. talk about confusing!

[hanno]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

Adoption is not an option for my family, period.

Not your body. Not your baby. Not your choice to make!


Many of the loving and supportive responses here are heartwarming but I must admit that I would have a difficult time with abortion. I don't think I would be able to hide it well but I would try to explain it as my issue to cope with and try not to let it influence my child's decision.

Best of luck and love lactivist!

[MamaLisa1]

Being a very emotional person, I would probably cry and hug her simultaneously. I'm sure she would be crying and hugging me back as well. Then, we would sit down and discuss what her plans were. My home would be open to her, the baby and possibly the father of the child, depending on the situation. Since I am a sahm, I would help care for the baby so she could finish her schooling, but I would not allow her to walk all over me and dump the child like one of my friend's daughters did. This girl had a baby at 17, and she was almost never around him...he was with either grandmother or her one sister most of the time, and she has since left him in the grandparents care, and moved to FL. They probably ought to consider adopting him formally, but I have no idea what will happen with the poor little guy.
Anyway, I would support her, love her and NEVER speak harshly to her about it. Abortion isn't an option in our home, unless she were raped or there was a health concern or something of that nature. I would not want her to give the baby up either...I'd adopt it myself first.