Originally Posted by ToastyToes
Interesting replies...thank you all. I guess, yes, I'm really single. I think part of the issue is that I'm realizing, more and more each day, that I never really had a partner, which sucks. Things are simply not much different with him gone.
My 10 year college reunion is this year, and I was thinking back to my 5th, when we were engaged. He chose not to come with me. Not for any reason, or obligation, but b/c he didn't feel like it. There were so many warning signs, so many CLEAR indicators that he wasn't interested in being a team, etc., that it's odd for me to differentiate between "then" and "now."
My workload is absolutely, absolutely less with him gone (plus I no am no longer seething when I'm racing to get out by 7 am and wrestling two sleepy-headed, clingy kids while he's peacefully sleeping in and refusing to help). It's astonishing that the departure of an able adult has decreased the work in the house!
I guess I'm also grieving my realization that I never had a real marriage in the emotional sense. I've been alone since day one (including our wedding day. What a joke. Everyone told me it was the BEST, MOST FUN wedding they'd ever attended. It sucked, positively sucked for me. XH got drunk with his friends, ignored me, then passed out on me. I've never told anyone that before).
Sorry to ramble. I guess these things are all the more reason to embrace my new "single" status...I've earned it
Wow, i totally hear you. I just had no idea either! Granted, the last 8 months with a newborn and a husband who was only there to shower (as long as there was hot water, once the gas was turned off he didn't even come home for that) pick up his clean clothes, eat the food i had prepared (or worse, take it with him to feed HER) and expect me to have sex with him when he returned at 2-3am (if he managed that, sometimes he'd only arrive a few minutes before leaving for work, just to get his clean work clothes) it obviously sucked. But before that, when i think to how i just did what he asked, and didn't say anything about his total lack of participation in our relationship, and life,... i'm just astounded at myself.
I know one thing, i will NEVER allow that to happen again. Just recently i sat and thought about how all my 'pipe dreams' from while we were married (you know, the things you daydream about and talk about doing together, but you both just think are fanciful dreams) are coming to fruition for me *now*, without him around. I have less laundy to do, less cooking, less cleaning (because man, was he a PIG!) and less financial stress (because if the money goes somewhere, i know it, i did it, and it's under control, within budget!). I've bought my very own house! I bought a vehicle! my budget allows for me to pay all the bills ON TIME ever month, and i'm not letting one go late just to pay another. it's fantastic! But i'm making less money by myself, than i was with 2 incomes. (i'm not getting any money from him either, but that's another story!) But i'm still able to do so much more with it! It's incredible.
I'm sorry, i don't mean to go on and on about myself. I'm just saying it may have taken me 3 years to realize that i was always alone, but never allowed to DO what i wanted/needed to do for myself, but i get it now. And am SO glad to have that anvil lifted from my head.
i know it's tough realizing it all now, but i'm sure you see how great it can be too. So, you had a sucky marriage. You may not have known it at the time, but you do now, and that's what's important. You'll catch it early next time, and won't let yourself fall into the same trap as before. Yay you!!