Originally Posted by singin'intherain
All the married women I know are either angrily tolerating unfair behavior, or viewing it as a spiritual excercize.
Wow. I so hear you on that, especially the spiritual-exercise part. Most of my women friends are married, and every time I talk to most of them, esp the SAHMs or those with the clearly secondary careers, this is what I hear. And the thing is they're married to nice men. Every one. They aren't bums, they aren't crazy, they don't drink, they care about their children and spend time with them, they bathe and keep themselves reasonably healthy, they're grownups with serious professions and don't spend all day in front of video games, they aren't crazy workaholics, but they support the family in beautiful style. I like them all and enjoy talking with them. As far as husbandland goes, they're about as good as it gets. And yet.
The ones I don't hear it from are the primary breadwinners. It's the women who are doctors (and the husbands aren't doctors too) -- ER, trauma, surgery. They don't talk much about their husbands at all.
I have a friend who's just recently started a relationship with a guy she's been after for years, the son of a Famous Writer. My friend's a writer, too, just getting started after selling her first book. And she's suddenly noticed that the guy's 8-5 work schedule seems to trump her non-schedule. She wants to marry him and maybe have kids. I'm trying to warn her to make backup plans now, because if they have kids under the current setup, she'll fight to get five hours a week to herself for writing. His work will be the important work, and someone will have to take care of the kids, and that'll be her, and there won't be money for nannies (which she'll have to find and hire and manage on her own so that she can do her work, though the guy will happily walk out the door and go to work without a care)...unless it comes from Famous Writer, which is not a good situation.
She doesn't want to believe it because he's a wonderful feminist man whose mother trained him and whose brother is a SAHD. I ask her if the SIL makes a lot of money. Yes; she's a doctor. Not a writer who scrapes together $15K/yr from teaching jobs. I point out that if they have children, someone will have to make money, and the guy she likes makes enough for a family. Just think about it, I told her. And have a Plan B.
As far as men friends go...I find we get along fine so long as we cut a wide swath around certain subjects, and I can ignore the way that, at bottom, they think of women, and what they think women ought to want and/or take seriously.