curious.....

[MamaLisa1]

my daughter had her 16th birthday party Saturday. A bunch of the kids that came did not bring gifts or even a card. Not that it matters...she has plenty, she was glad that they came and had fun, but I was just confused. I would NEVER send my kids off to a party that was birthday related (and 3 of these were kids whose parents I know, and they dropped them off here, and they are not poor families) without a gift of some sort. I mean, the last party my one daughter went to asked for canned goods in lieu of gifts, which I thought was a great idea, so we sent 5 cans and then we didn't even feel like we sent enough!
The whole party thing really has me wondering what has happened to our society. No one ever rsvp's anymore, one way or another....then, the whole gift thing....and we had three kids show up 15-20 minutes early!!! Not that any of that was a huge deal except the rsvp-ing, since I totally over planned, food wise, but why are we not encouraging proper etiquette in today's youth? I am starting to feel as though I am one of the few moms who teaches their kids the proper ways of doing things. Thank you notes are included in that. I don't think kids these days ever send thank you's anymore. I have relatives who I used to send birthday/Christmas gifts to, and have since stopped because I never find out if it even arrived!

[terrordactyl]

I have to agree. etiquette isn't taught anymore and it really bothers me

[smillerhouse]

This is why I do not have many parties. I would rather have fun family adventures. For my dd no. 15, we will go to Tampa and she will waterski and kiteboard. Also, to Orlando for indoor skydiving. The family is going to either a fondue place or another place of her choosing. The big deal is she is getting her permit to drive!!!The last birthday party I had was for my daughter's 13th. I really tried to let go of any expectatins. Two girls showed upe had it at a clubhuse at a springs and it was beautful and fun and very focsued on my dd. It was a lot of work-dd loved picking out stufff: it ws Hawaain Lua themed.
Last week, it was a girl's bday on her vball team.The girls said we will bring treats. Cara was the only one who did. Cara was invited Sat. to the party but chose not to go. I made sure I let them know. I really model consideratin and communication-that is all I can do.
I let go of all expectation if we invite kids somewhere, pay for them ,etc.-often this is never recipocrated. So, I accept that but choose carefully how much and what I do.
When they were younger, we had more parties, and yes often no gift appeared and also kids would come who were not invited. I always send card/gift if dd is invited to a party.
We often invite kids to movies,to eat, shopping,etc. Sallie

[smillerhouse]

I think there is often an entitlement mentality. Also, pepoe feel they are so busy working etc., that they do not have time. I am the one who has chosen to stay home and hoomeschool etc. so have to really watch that I do not overextend becasue my experince is that many do not put a whole lot of enrgy into their kids after a certain age. I went to some asesome family bday parties when they were younger. Sallie

[PancakeGoddess]

When one of my kids turned 11, half the kids showed up with CASH as a gift. What the??

[MCR]

We had a day out planned which included one friend of Ds, he turned 15 too.
The friend said he was coming, his Mom would drop him off. We were ready to go, car packed, and no friend, he just blew it off. Ds called, incase he was running late, he just never showed. I was so pissed I wanted to go knock on the door and rip him a new one. Ds's day was ruined, he was upset the whole day.
Teens are selfish (my own have days of selfishness too) I guess if it's not important to them they just don't care.
So sorry your Dd friends are that way too.

[MCR]

Originally Posted by PancakeGoddess

When one of my kids turned 11, half the kids showed up with CASH as a gift. What the??

That is the standard gift around here, and the teens love it.

[ziggy]

I just want to point out that not *all* teenagers are inconsiderate. However, in high school I had to use my own money to buy any gifts for friend's parties, so it was usually something small, or just a card if I didn't know the person well.

[choli]

Originally Posted by smillerhouse

This is why I do not have many parties. I would rather have fun family adventures. For my dd no. 15, we will go to Tampa and she will waterski and kiteboard. Also, to Orlando for indoor skydiving. The family is going to either a fondue place or another place of her choosing. The big deal is she is getting her permit to drive!!!

We don't do the party thing either, we also do the family adventure stuff. Both of my daughters seem to prefer it that way.

[Canadianmommax3]

my kids love getting cash,then they can go shopping!

[stayinghome]

My 14 yo dd often springs it on us like 5 minutes before a bday party. So if we don't have time to get a gift, she'll make a card with a promise for a sleep over or pizza or something.

Also cash is almost always given out in cards at teen parties here.

[jdedmom]

When does the expectation for a gift at a birthday party end? I think I would always send a gift with my child even in the teen years and think of great gag gifts for the major adult ages (21, 30, 40, etc) but I don't know if I always brought a gift to all birthday parties (events). I mean I do if it's a "party" party but what about meeting someone at a restaurant to celebrate a birthday or doing something because it's someones birthday but not a formal party.

In mine and DH's family we may bring a gift for "major" person (IL's, parents, grandparents) but not for cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. It's not expected and wouldn't be reciprocated. Maybe we are just strange though.

[kathywiehl]

Originally Posted by jdedmom

When does the expectation for a gift at a birthday party end? I think I would always send a gift with my child even in the teen years and think of great gag gifts for the major adult ages (21, 30, 40, etc) but I don't know if I always brought a gift to all birthday parties (events). I mean I do if it's a "party" party but what about meeting someone at a restaurant to celebrate a birthday or doing something because it's someones birthday but not a formal party.

In mine and DH's family we may bring a gift for "major" person (IL's, parents, grandparents) but not for cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. It's not expected and wouldn't be reciprocated. Maybe we are just strange though.

I don't think it ever ends. I love to give gifts to my adult friends for their birthdays and when invited to a friends birthday party even if I don't know them well I try to bring something even if it's small. Everybody likes to get presents and it's so much fun to give gifts I can't come up with a reason not to do it.

[Marcee]

I am one of those that send cash. Usually in a card.... but not always. If I have time I buy a gift but most of the time it is cash or a sometimes a gift card.

[Sage.Naissance]

Yeah my friends and I have been discussing this a lot lately.
I am in my twenties, my friends are between 25 and 35 for the most part and the younger ones in particular are really bad with courtesies. I know a guy who shows up every friday when our household does a big delicious dinner, he never brings something, though he is a lovely polite guy its pathetic! He actually was interested in me and this was grounds enough to understand that his level of conciousness is deplorable!
I think it has a lot to do with what your parents did, and what the standard is. The folks who dont bring anything just dont know... When I was a teenager my mother always sent me to dinners and parties and whatever with a decent bottle of wine, some flowers, a desert or something. Never show up empty handed. It doest have to cost anything, you can pick the flowers out of the ditch on the way there. A $2 baguette is adequate even. It is a simple gesture of appreciation and respect.
When I was travelling I would always give some sort of gift to the people I was staying with. Often it would be little containers of maple syrup or little bottles of liquor, sweets, or flowers.
I think its really important for kids to be concious of the fact that it is nice to always bring a gift of any sort when someone is hosting you in some way. Its a nicer world where people are giving!
It appauls me that a bunch of 25 yr olds havent figured that out!
I hear you MamaLisa, its not about wanting stuff but its about kind and giving gestures.

[enkmom]

In my neck of the woods, teen birthday parties are just big get-togethers, and no gift is expected. My kids' close friends usually give them a gift earlier in the day or take them out for lunch. The birthday party is 20-30 kids just hanging out and watching TV.

P.S. - I find my teens and their friends to be incredibly kind and full of giving gestures. They may not bring a gift to a party, but when my daughter had her wisdom teeth out no fewer than 10 friends stopped by with milkshakes and puddings for her sore mouth. If my son leaves school with a scowl on his face, his phone rings all afternoon with calls from people making sure he is ok. I find the teens I know to be more kind and considerate than many of the adults I come into contact with.

[StrawberryFields]

I don't have a teen but I was a teen not TOO long ago. It must vary by area or group because I would have felt totally lame getting dropped off for a 16th birthday party by my parents with a gift. That is just not something anyone I knew would have done. Our parents were not uninvolved or absent or anything...but at 16 they also didn't plan and host our parties any more either. My mom financed my 16th birthday party but it was up to me to hash out the details, I rented a picnic area, we hung out in the park (my friends hitched rides with whoever could drive) and then I had pizza and a co-ed sleepover back at the house. If any kind of party was had when I was a teen it was usually something like that, a get together at a park or the skating rink or whatever, usually ending in a sleepover. Definitely no presents, cake, singing or what have you. I think the last time I brought someone a gift it was my best friend's 14th birthday and I got her a 6 pack of Mountain Dew as a gag because she drank the heck out of the stuff at the time.

Maybe some of the kids are in that kind of circle and the others aren't?

[Ziggysmama]

I agree with PP wholeheardtedly.

At 16 my experience was that kids didn't really bring gift to you birthday parties anymore. For a number of reasons.

-At 16 most kids I knew had to spend their own money on things like that, and at 16 you don't have much money.

- There were always birthday parties going on. If you had to bring a gift to EVERY SINGLE ONE you would never have any money to spend on yourself.

- Close friends would give you gifts but they would usually be more abstract gift, like a drawing or that shirt you are always borrowing or in my case some beer or cigarettes.

- The gift for me was always that people TURNED UP at my parties. That was enough for me

[spruce]

I can see where being invited to an RSVP party, not RSVP-ing, and not bringing food or a gift would be tacky, inconsiderate, and wrong-headed.

However, for grownup get togethers, I would LOVE to be able to bring a gift every time, but I have 5 kids at home and just don't have the time or the money to make or buy something every time we're invited somewhere. I always, always offer to bring salad and homemade bread, and believe it or not several times my offerings have been the major part of the dinner offered.

When it's a grown-up bday party, most people usually bring a dish to share and a 6pack of something. Maybe that's Fire Dept etiquette, but it works.


I understand giving cash to teens, but for, example, my 6 yo is very confused by money and is sad when he can't spend it RIGHT NOW. He'd rather have something tiny than money he can't spend.

Teens, though, I think adore getting money. I don't adore them getting it, though, because it means I have to arrange major shopping outings, and I loathe shopping.

AFA thank-you notes go, my kids aren't allowed to play with, read, or wear anything they're given until the notes are written and addressed.

love, penelope

[MarineWife]

I'll be the odd person out and admit that I hate having to get gifts for people, regardless of age. I wonder when it became expected to constantly give people things. I recently agonized over whether or not to get a gift for a friend of mine who was having a birthday party. I got one and then the party was canceled. The last time my then 16yo ds went to a birthday party he didn't have a gift. I asked him if he wanted to get something but he said that wouldn't be cool. I did feel a little embarassed about him going to a party with nothing but I figure that's his issue, not mine. It's not my place to put expectations on how he should behave with his friends. He knows the social etiquette of his friends better than I do.

We do get gifts for younger kids. I don't know the exact age but probably around 8-10 we started getting gift cards for our ds' friends rather than presents. I can see how teenagers would actually like getting cash. My 17yo asks for cash as a gift all the time now. I think my oldest stopped getting gifts from friends for his birthday at around 11 or 12. I never expected anyone to bring a gift even when he was younger. If anyone had asked, I would have told them it wasn't necessary. I also tell my friends gifts for my younger kids, 4 and 9 months, are not necessary. We already have way too much stuff.