And I thought the worst was over

[Fyrestorm]

Exactly 4 years ago at this very moment, I was happily laboring away, in my warm tub, with my wonderful midwife, doula and amazing DH...we were starting to think birth was imminent...then the nightmare began. Long story, but it ended with a hospital transfer, birthrape, court orders, coerced section and finally a lawsuit.

The suits were finally settled last year and I thought the closure would be enough....I still have bad days now, but mostly good. Things were okay....till this weekend. I think things just caught up with me. I had to put my much beloved kitty of 17 years down on Saturday and it's just been bad from there...I have been planning DD's birthday parties (school, friends then the family one) and all I can think about is my pain...I am having flashbacks again and am seriously worried that the PTSD and depression are coming back...then I get depressed because I'm terrified of the depression...it's becoming a vicious circle.

I hope that the worst will be over as soon as the birthday hubbub is over...then I can grieve my kitty in peace and start to get back on with my life. I think it's just that it all hit at once...I just really thought the worst was over.

I don't know what I am looking for with this post, I guess I just needed to vent a bit...if you made it through, thanks.

[desertpenguin]

i'm sorry for what you had to go through. it's good to be able to vent sometimes. i hope you are able to find more peace and healing as time goes by.

[Jane]

If you need to be listened to, just write. I'll read, I promise.

[turtlewomyn]

[meggles]

(((FYRESTORM)))

Wishing you peace and healing, mama. I'm sorry about your kitty, too.

[Fyrestorm]

Thanks everyone...I'm trying really hard not to be selfish about this...it's her birthday and I love her more than I can say..it's so strange to feel elated and desperately sad at the same time.

[abi&ben'smom]

[suprgrl]

[NatureMama3]

[zoebird]

it isn't selfish to acknowledge that you suffered. it really isn't.

and, it's no wonder that it's connected to her birthday--afterall, it was the day that all of this happened to you.

this is part of why people become depressed over holidays. the loss of a family member or a traumatic event that occurred over a holiday is relived every holiday, even though we know--logically and what not--that the holiday is for joy and celebration.

but the feelings are still there and still real.

i believe that it does get easier, and you are doing well and working through things. this isn't ruining your daughter's birth day, you're just having a tough time with it because of what happened to you and needing to contniue working through that trauma.

it's ok. you're a great mama, you're a strong mama, and everyone knows how much you love your kid and want to give her a great birthday--and how you're succeeding at that.

it will settle, after the parties, and you'll be able to morn your loss of your beloved kitty and work on the stuff that came up because of this loss and the birthday.

*hugs* you are doing great, even though it's hard and it may not feel like you are.

[Shanana]

Originally Posted by Fyrestorm

Thanks everyone...I'm trying really hard not to be selfish about this...it's her birthday and I love her more than I can say..it's so strange to feel elated and desperately sad at the same time.

It makes perfect sense to me . I'm so sorry about your kitty too .

[applejuice]

()s to you!

My sister returned home from the hospital after a similarly traumatic birth as yours and found her favorite kitty dead - run over by a car!

The pediatric ward threatened to call CPS on her for refusing bilirubin treatment for her newborn son although the pediatrician said he was fine.

Within five weeks my sister was back in the hospital with gall bladder surgery.

Life gets better. Make sure you rest, eat well and take your B vitamins. Much of your healing time was taken up by your litigation. Some time is still left for you. My sister's son is now 22 yrs old, so life does go on. She is well also.

G-d Bless you, Fyrestorm.

: for you - Applejuice

[thefragile7393]

I've read your birth story many times......you are a strong and courageous woman! I can't begin to imagine what you have been through. I can empathize with the kitty situation...I've been through this many times...and with one piled up on the anniversary of another.....I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.

I hope very much you find peace in the coming days, weeks, however long it takes.

[cathicog]

Fyrestorm, You have been thru a lot, more than most people do. I wish there were a smilie for crying on one's shoulder, cuz mine is here if you need it. Please take the time to grieve, asap. If you want to vent, PM me. Losing a pet you have had that long, is like losing a child in many ways. It will take time. in the meantime PM me if you need to talk. : for you...

[MamaCaveBear]

I hear you and I know how dark the flashbacks can get. I too am dreading the upcoming anniversary of the worst day of my life, and the loss of the person I used to be. I have read your story and I know how strong you are, you can make it through this. Sending