"You don't have to worry about having a birth like hers."

[MrsAprilMay]

My best friend is finally pregnant and getting ready to switch over to an OB. I gave birth in January in the hospital she's going to. One of the OBs in the practice she chose was there when I delivered because my CNM wasn't at the hospital. So while she was there they started talking about my birth. The OB said to her "You don't have to worry about having a birth like hers." He went on to say that it was hectic because I went in almost complete. It would have been better if I had gotten into the in-hospital birth center. My birth story is in my sig.

I was at a place where I was coming to accept my birth for what it was. Now I just feel terrible about it. I didn't want their birth center anymore than I wanted their hospital. I wanted to be at home. The laws in this state along with the AMA trying to prosecute midwives made my HBMWs quit at the beginning of my third trimester leaving me with no care provider. They offered a reference for another HBMW, but my husband and I didn't feel comfortable risking someone's freedom just to attend our birth. And we didn't want to risk losing another care provider even closer to our due date. We seriously considered UC. But I feel that I should have only UC'd if that was what I really wanted, not just because I didn't like the other options, KWIM? So we found an OB CNM practice that would take us on and let us deliver at the in-hospital birth center. Too bad they were so understaffed that they couldn't find a nurse to be there with over an hour's notice. That's why we ended up in regular L&D. And that's why we had a birth that is so terrible that people who know about it should be comforted and encouraged not to worry about having a similar experience.

I don't know what my real point is. I just feel down about the whole thing. Even moreso than before.

[zoebird]

it is a blow, honestly, to move towards healing and then hear about how your negative experience is used to reassure others. it's really frustrating because it seems to downplay you, like you were the problem, not the situation or what happened or whatever, but YOU.

oh, you don't have to worry about being like HER. as opposed to, "by in large, our births go positively for these reasons."

it is sad, and i'm sorry you're going through it. just remember, people can be silly and insensitive without meaning it. that's what happened here--i'm sorry for it, and i hope that you continue to move towrds a place of healing regarding your birth.

*hugs*

[momma earthical]

I just read your birth story and thought it so beautiful. I am sorry that you didn't get to birth at home, and had to experience the negativity of the cp's. Your birthing sounded like it was the best way for you, your body and your baby. Who cares what the OB's opinion was, but I do think it was wrong of the OB to discuss your birth with someone else. Doesn't that broach confidentiality issues?

I wish you joy in your baby, and hope that you can come to a place of peace within yourself about your birth experience.

[Cheshire]

The doctor shouldn't have been discussing your birth with your friend. HIPAA laws and all.

He is the one with the attitude problem because your birth inconvenienced him and his regular way of doing things. He needs to re-think how it went and be grateful that it was a healthy, natural delivery even if it wasn't what he was used to.

[wombjuice]

That OB had no right to talk about YOUR birth with anyone other than YOU. :

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

[sofiabugmom]

(Rant mode on)

What in the blazes does your doctor think he's doing talking about your birth with another patient?! Does he not know the meaning of PRIVACY LAW???

(Rant mode off)

I didn't read your birth story yet but I'm so sorry that you had a bad experience. And to finally accept it then hear something like this must be just heartbreaking. Try to remember how you felt before and then bring it back into your heart to find some peace.

[turtlewomyn]

I just skimmed over your birth story, and I thought it was great. I am sorry you couldn't have your homebirth, that sucks, but as far as hospital birth stories go, yours was great. I had planned a hospital birth with a CNM (since my DH wasnn't on board with a homebirth). I ended up with a scheduled c-section (coerced for fetal macrosomia, DD was 9lbs8.5oz). Your birth story was the birth story I had been dreaming about for myself, to show up pushing and have the nurses not even believe I was in labor because I was so calm. I know it wasn't what you wanted, but frankly, I am envious.

And, they really shouldn't be discussing your birth story that way, that really sucks.

[queenjulie]

Originally Posted by sofiabugmom

What in the blazes does your doctor think he's doing talking about your birth with another patient?! Does he not know the meaning of PRIVACY LAW???

Um, yeah. What the hell was he thinking? That is the most insulting thing I have ever heard.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by sofiabugmom

What in the blazes does your doctor think he's doing talking about your birth with another patient?! Does he not know the meaning of PRIVACY LAW???

Um, :!!

[MrsAprilMay]

He's not even MY doctor. He was at the hospital and the CNM who I called over an hour before I arrived wasn't there. Just like the nurse I paged over an hour before we arrived wasn't there.

I've visited the spectrum from being ecstatic about my birth to being annoyed with the cps to being completely bummed that I couldn't have the fantasy of sitting in a birth tub surrounded by soft music and candles. Hearing that just made me feel lower than I've felt in weeks about it. I have so much to be happy about and proud of. I kept my cool even when everyone else was being rude and chaotic. Why does this bother me so much?

[mamallama]

I understand. It would bother me too.

Your birth just didn't match up with the expectation you had. You went from intended homebirth to intended birth center to unintented L&D. That's quite a progression!

I have two thoughts to offer:

I have some disappointment with my son's birth. I expected something pretty different from what actually happened. But, from his pov, his birth was gentle and unimpeded. I know that's important to babies. In fact, that was my ultimate goal for his birth--it just didn't look like I thought it would. It's easier to accept the things that weren't exactly as envisioned on my end when I look at it from his pov.

Secondly, I'm thinking Dr. W misread your friend's take on your birth. As powerful, primal birthing mothers, we don't always realize how birth looks to a third party. It's incredibly intense and difficult work. We sweat and moan and swear and produce an incredible stew of bodily fluids...to the uninitiated, it probably seems like something to avoid at all costs! It sounds to me like his words were meant not to disparage your birth, but rather reassure your newly pregnant friend. Maybe he was thinking that if her only firsthand experience with unmedicated/unmanaged birth was as enormously intense as your birth sounds like it was, she might not have the courage or the confidence to try it herself.

[mamallama]

I also want to address the ob talking about the OP's birth with her friend.

Other posters have expressed outrage and cited privacy laws and such. From the information we've been given, I don't think we can jump to the conclusion that the doctor violated any privacy agreements.

Dr. W's new patient, the OP's friend, presumably reminded him she attended the OP's birth. My guess is she shared some concerns about her upcoming birth that stemmed from her experience at the OP's birth. As a careprovider, he has the responsibility to address those concerns. He can't address her concerns without referencing the OP's birth. It sounds like he did so in the vaguest terms possible.

What would we say if the friend came here to post that her ob cited HIPPA and refused to address her concerns? That she find a different doctor? This ob is the backup for a cnm practice at a birth center. In Ohio, that's as good as it gets.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by mamallama

What would we say if the friend came here to post that her ob cited HIPPA and refused to address her concerns? That she find a different doctor? This ob is the backup for a cnm practice at a birth center. In Ohio, that's as good as it gets.

I'd say good for him and if she wanted to know about her friend's birth from the doctor's perspective she should've asked her friend to give him permission to talk to her.

I really don't see how the OP's birth was even relevant unless the friend's planning a homebirth and is worried about transferring. It would be quite possible for the doctor to address concerns about birth without citing specific cases in identifiable ways.

[annakiss]

I'm sorry your OB said that. That's horrible.

Are you by chance in Dayton? There are a whole heck of a lot of other midwives in this state who are not afraid of attending homebirths. It's not illegal here. Not at all. I know only of two women who gave up practicing here recently due to the legal climate and they worked together in Dayton. No one else left. You have plenty of options next time.

[wannabe]

Don't let anyone else tell you how your birth was and how you should feel about it. I've read birth stories that sounded like my ideal birth and the mother was traumatised, and the other day I read a birth story that included shaving, an enema and moving to the operating room for a normal healthy vaginal birth, and prolonged seperation from the baby, and the mother thought it was fine.

For all you know the doctor thinks your birth was terrible because you had to feel it, or because you 'forgot' to lie down on your back, and were kneeling over the back of the bed.

[3cuties]

I read your birth story and I understand it wasn't the ideal of being at home, but it sounds pretty fabulous. I had a similar birth last time.

I also wonder if the OB is not used to seeing a natural birth -- so that is what he was referring to? I do agree it was rude and highly inappopriate.

[MonP'titBoudain]

I just read your story and am wondering what the ob is talking about and why your friend is worried? I think understand that for you it is a matter of missed expectations and grieving what you had hoped for. But from this outsider's perspective your story sounds pretty awesome! It's an amazing story of good primal labor complete with you being able to trust & listen to (or even hear) what your body was saying to you in spite of what was going on around you. Please don't let that OB (with questionable ethics talking about your birth with another client) take away the strength and power you exhibited during your birth.

Maybe ask your friend what was alarming to her about your birth? Cause it honestly doesn't make sense to me at all! There are many legitimate horror stories out there (usually at the hands of an OB with an ego problem) and yours definitely does NOT fall in that category!

Take courage mama! There's no reason to have your labor and birth be clouded by someone else's issues! I hope you can resolve your own grief and disappointment but take comfort that you remained strong and true in spite of circumstances!

[MrsAprilMay]

Originally Posted by MonP'titBoudain

Maybe ask your friend what was alarming to her about your birth? Cause it honestly doesn't make sense to me at all! There are many legitimate horror stories out there (usually at the hands of an OB with an ego problem) and yours definitely does NOT fall in that category!

He's well known for attending natural births. That's why my friend is going to him. She wasn't alarmed. She met this doctor for the first time as his patient, and he gave her a look like he recognized her. She told him that they'd met before at a recent birth he attended. The he said "Oh, I remember that one. With so-and-so there? Well, You don't have to worry about having a birth like hers."

I know that many things about my birth were wonderful, and that's how I got to be in a place where I was happy with it so quickly. I was annoyed at the staff and disappointed to be out of my home to begin with, but I feel that I grieved my perfect birth and moved on. Just hearing that made me feel worse about it than ever before. I know I shouldn't care about his perspective of my birth, but I'm sure he's seen many wonderful hospital births and it bothers me that he doesn't see mine as one of them. It makes me feel like I failed in some way, although I know that I did the best I could with what I had.

[MonP'titBoudain]

Originally Posted by MrsAprilMay

Just hearing that made me feel worse about it than ever before. I know I shouldn't care about his perspective of my birth, but I'm sure he's seen many wonderful hospital births and it bothers me that he doesn't see mine as one of them. It makes me feel like I failed in some way, although I know that I did the best I could with what I had.

s I'm really sorry that this OB isn't able to see your birth in a positive light. Like I said before, I'm not sure I understand why he feels that way. It just seems like a really strange comment for the OB to make, yk? I wonder what his standard of a good birth is? Because your birth was one with absolutely no complications (of the medical sort... besides the proper staff/place not being available, which, from a birthing mother's perspective, would be a major complication, IMO).

You haven't failed. If anything, the people you were relying on to help you have the birth you had come to accept/expect failed you. I understand how an off-hand comment like that can somehow cause a lot more pain than one would expect. Be gentle to yourself. It may take more time to grieve the loss of your homebirth than you expect. With ds I had to relinquish the dream of a homebirth early on and had prepared for a hospital birth and had a relatively good one. But now in preparing for my second birth and my homebirth I'm finding I need to grieve the loss of ds' homebirth all over again. s again mama!

[mamallama]

Originally Posted by MrsAprilMay

"Oh, I remember that one. With so-and-so there? Well, You don't have to worry about having a birth like hers."

Ok, I take back what I said in his defense. I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt, but nevermind. In context, that was a crappy thing to say.

I guess even the good ones aren't very humble in the presence of greatness. :