Help me with my lactivism problem

[boheime]

To give you a little background: I'm a low supply mom. I'm currently nursing baby 3 with the help of LAs (my 3 1/2 year old latches on 1-2 times week now). I've struggled emotionally with the feelings of failure of not being able to supply all of the breastmilk my children need (and yes, I've tried prety much everything. There is a medical reason.). I'm pretty much at the best place I've ever been as far as breastfeeding goes. I was hit pretty hard with it with my first child. With my second, I was prepared for my issues but didn't expect hers. It took 6 months to get her completely off of finger feeding and on the breast with LAs and she had a slew of rules taht I figured out to help her before we ever got the diagnosis of silent reflux in addition to her latch issues (yes - she is now the 3 1/2 year old and was a huge comfort nurser once she finally go the hang of it). With my youngest, I have been most able to accept my limitations and supply issues and enjoy our nursing relationship. He loves to nurse and I love nursing him. I'm a big lactavist and I have always nused my children any and everywhere....except when around dh's family.

We have been treated very poorly by dh's parents. MIL is very controlling and gets mad that we don't do things the way she wants us to. We UC, CLW (although I doubt she knnows that), cosleep, homeschool (she doesn't know what unschooling is - I'm sure we'll get attacked again if she finds out), use ASL with our babies and children, babywear, ....you get the picture. She retaliates by throwing temper tantrums (yes, she'll yell, stomp feet, pout) and by attacking us and getting others to attack us. When I was pregnant with our first child, dh mentioned homebirth (didn't even mention UC) because he was so excited. They spread a bunch of lies, atacked us, and had all of dh's extended relatives (even ones he didn't know) calling us and attacking us. We should have cut off the toxic relationship then but we didn't. They came to visit us when ds was 6 weeks old - and I was in the midst of feeling horrible about my supply issues and trying very hard to increase what supply I had. Dh was being supportive, and as I asked (crying) what to do about breastfeeding with his parents visiting, he said I didn't need the stress of dealing with their crap. So, I would take ds in the bedroom to nurse him and get a break from stressful ILs. My oldest is almost 5 1/2 and I have been leaving the room whenever we are around them (which is more often now that we live within 45 minutes instead of 20+ hours).

This weekend they came for a visit and we ended up going someplace similar to a children's museum or center so teh kids could play without MIL trying to dictate to them and us having to constantly intervene. When ds2 needed to nurse, we went to another area while dh stayed with our oldest two and his parents (his parents are not allowed in the same room with our children unless one of us is there). Later, MIL and I were talking about how nice the place was and it came up taht we go there often (we have a membership) and she asked what I did when ds2 needed to nurse and we were there without dh. It caught me off guard. Why, of course, I just nurse him wherever we are. And then I wanted to cry. I still want to cry about the situation. I leave to nurse my child when I am around them. What am I telling my kids with that? Am I really protecting myself and my family or am I feeding into them the way they want? I don't know if I can handle dealing with their spreading lies about my supply issues and struggles with all of dh's extended family. However, I'm not happy with the current situation. I shouldn't have to be away from my other children. I also don't want to deal with their comments or questions.

How did I end up in this situation? Me, the lactavist, who has fought so hard to nurse my babies? Who stands up for other women, who helps others fight to have a nursing relationship when there are problems? I just don't know what to do...

[KirstenMary]

[MaryJaneLouise]

Originally Posted by boheime

How did I end up in this situation? Me, the lactavist, who has fought so hard to nurse my babies? Who stands up for other women, who helps others fight to have a nursing relationship when there are problems? I just don't know what to do...

Holy Crap. Those are some toxic inlaws.


Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can under VERY trying circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Your first priority is to protect yourself & your family. I really don't think there is ANYTHING you can do to help these people and their attitudes.

As far as what you are telling your kids about this, probably they will soon figure out what : people they are and will put 2+2 together. If you NIP every other time, when NOT with your ILs, they'll get the good message

[tbone_kneegrabber]

There are some things that you don't do around certain people. Not exactly the same, but we dress ds in any clothes we want, sometimes "girl's" clothes, because we don't think clothes define your gender identity and because we like cute clothes! We don't dress him in "girl's" clothes when we're with dp's family or at the welfare office (i have an irrational fear that they will call dhs on me if my sin is in pink). So sometimes you censor yourself around certain people.

You could also tell your il's that you leave the room to make them more comfortable, make them see it's about them not how you feel about nursing!

good luck and nurse on!

[PatioGardener]

[merry-mary]

Hugs. I think you're doing a great job and you did the right thing! I imagine, by the sounds of your MIL, that if you had stayed around them to nurse, she might have thrown a fit, said something awful or made things terribly unpleasant. That could have pretty upsetting effects for your babe, and you do not want or need that. IMO, you were protecting yourself and your child from a potentially awful situation. You are a great mom and a great lactivist.

[zinemama]

What you have is not a lactivism problem. It is an in-law problem. You need to set up some major boundaries with these people, if not cut them out of your life altogether.

[meganmarie]

It does sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to "role model" your values and what you believe in, all the time. Yes, its important to be true to yourself. But that doesn't mean you have to run into brick walls to make a point. Especially if doing that is going to cause stress, trauma, and tension; especially if it feels pretty pointless in terms of what benefit will come of it. You are no less a strong person, a lactivist, a committed mother and advocate of attachment parenting just because you decide to pick your battles. If this is what feels right to you - then go ahead and feel confident in your choice to limit contact and minimize conflict - you are doing what feels right to maintain balance in the family, which is pretty important.

[2pinks]

No advice, just

[MommytoTwo]

You know, you need to do what makes you feel comfortable. I dont nurse in front of my ILs. I dont really feel that I am showing my kids anything negative about it. I nurse in lots of places. Give yourself a break.

That said, can I just ask why you feel the need to still see these people? I realize they are family but I would not be visiting with people who treated me like that, family or not.


Hugs.

[Gumby]

Oh mama, I had no idea your in-laws were so yucky! I'm so sorry

I agree w/ pp, it's not a lactivism problem, it's a toxic in-law problem. I think it's quite obvious what you stand for and I think it's great!

Look at it this way: you're making bf normal (as it is) for everyone who sees you nip. Your MIL? Who cares, she's beyond that. I'm sure you NIP enough for a dozen lactivists. Keep up the good work!





P.S. You were at my house last week

[TattoMomK]

Oh for Pete's Sake...sorry for it all momma!

Your MIL just assumes you leave all the time, rather than for her benefit -- or rather YOURS. She can't help it. Anyone who throws temper tantrums while in the AARP can't imagine ANYONE DOING ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE THEM. Read: you feel bad because you know she'll gossip about this too...not realizing you are actually hiding from her or her drama.

Soooooooooo as the above pp said you don't have a lactivism problem -- you have a IL problem. Next time you are in that position you can VERY SWEETLY SAY:

"I appreciate you -- I just know that you might get upset about my breastfeeding so I leave the room when YOU ARE AROUND to make things easier. Frankly it hurts my heart to have all my hard work in feeding these babies the best food under-mined, and I so badly just want everyone to be happy -- especially the kids."

Blink blink - and walk away.

I am so about the lactivist, and so not about putting up with anything, but it was my MIL who told me to use the "hurt my heart" argument (when it's true) to take care of these angry situations. I thought she was nuts -- but I gave it a shot...& it worked.

So next time, tell her it HURTS when she acts like this.
Sorry for typos I'm nak.

[runes]

things are different when dealing with toxic people.

you definitely have an in-law problem, not a lactivism problem...as many pp's have stated before.

you ARE being a lactivist. you are not shying away from nip, just nursing in front of THEM specifically (and for very good reasons). you are teaching your children that with some awareness and flexibility, you can absolutely bridge the gap and find a comfortable working solution without compromising your beliefs. you are modeling that sometimes you need to pick your battles.

we have a similar experience with dh's father and sm, and i experience a similar dissonance when trying to resolve my needs to keep the peace with my commitment to lactivism.

the last time we went out to a restaurant with the (toxic) il's, i didn't nurse in front of them at the table, but i excused myself and found a comfortable yet prominent spot at the front of the restaurant to nurse dd. i figured that so many more people ended up witnessing us nursing that night as compared to if i was sitting at the table, so it was all good in my book because i didn't "waste" a lactivist moment on 2 people who i knew disapproved openly.

, and hang in there! your dedication is inspirational!!

[TinkerBelle]

Why do you have anything to do with toxic people? I don't care if they are related. You have a right to as peaceful an existence as the next person.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by zinemama

What you have is not a lactivism problem. It is an in-law problem. You need to set up some major boundaries with these people, if not cut them out of your life altogether.

: to the nth degree!!!!!

[boheime]

Thanks everyone. Yes, they are very toxic (what I mentioned is just the tip of the iceberg). We have come very close to cutting them out many, many times. Despite all of their crap, dh does love them. They make him very, very sad. I think he kind of forgets in between visits how horrible they have been and each time is disappointed.

This last visit was probably one of the best visits we have had with them. I think I'm most sad that it feels like I am hiding something, which I am. If I didn't have to use LAs, I would definitely nurse right in front of them, probably turned to the side a bit to prevent FIL's oggling. In fact, I did nurse my then 2 year old in front of them once without the LA (as my kids get older we sign "nurse pouch" or "nurse mommy" depending on whether they are nursing more for comfort or more for food). Dh had a lot of fun innocently asking if dd was singing at the time, knowing full well what she was doing, and having me reply, "Yes, and nursing." It completely freaked them out.

I feel like I am hiding a dirty secret and want to come out in the open about it. Part of me wants to just say, "Here it is. We've kept it from you because you have been very disrepectful and have really hurt us in the past. I hurt enough from feeling like a failure and didn't need your crap and gossip adding to it." And for a brief minute in this daydream, I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted. Then I imagine what they will say and gossip to everyone else, and my little bubble bursts.

So, thanks for the support. I think my children understand. They know babies are supposed to nurse and that I nurse them any and everywhere else.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by zinemama

What you have is not a lactivism problem. It is an in-law problem. You need to set up some major boundaries with these people, if not cut them out of your life altogether.

I'm sorry you have to deal with "family" like this.

It's great that your DH loves his parents, but it's not acceptable for your inlaws to treat you and your children so poorly. Maybe it would be better if he visited with them without the rest of the family?

[ewins24]

I don't have any advice but couldn't read w/out posting a and tell you that I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by zinemama

What you have is not a lactivism problem. It is an in-law problem. You need to set up some major boundaries with these people, if not cut them out of your life altogether.

Yes.

Nothing you've said sounds like these are people who are at all open to education. Your only responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by TattoMomK

Oh for Pete's Sake...sorry for it all momma!

Your MIL just assumes you leave all the time, rather than for her benefit -- or rather YOURS. She can't help it. Anyone who throws temper tantrums while in the AARP can't imagine ANYONE DOING ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE THEM. Read: you feel bad because you know she'll gossip about this too...not realizing you are actually hiding from her or her drama.

Soooooooooo as the above pp said you don't have a lactivism problem -- you have a IL problem. Next time you are in that position you can VERY SWEETLY SAY:

"I appreciate you -- I just know that you might get upset about my breastfeeding so I leave the room when YOU ARE AROUND to make things easier. Frankly it hurts my heart to have all my hard work in feeding these babies the best food under-mined, and I so badly just want everyone to be happy -- especially the kids."

Blink blink - and walk away.

I am so about the lactivist, and so not about putting up with anything, but it was my MIL who told me to use the "hurt my heart" argument (when it's true) to take care of these angry situations. I thought she was nuts -- but I gave it a shot...& it worked.

So next time, tell her it HURTS when she acts like this.
Sorry for typos I'm nak.

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