HELP! DD is smoking!!

[GenB]

My lovely 19 yr. old dd is smoking. She REEKS of the nastiest cigarette smell! She also gets in a tanning bed and looks awful. She is so pretty and petite and has the most incredible personality!

I don't know what to do! She stayed home to go to a local college and lives with us. I try to cut her some slack but Im having a hard time with this one. Of course, she doesn't smoke in the house but she and her friends do in the yard. I'm going to ban that. I cannot sit by as a mom and watch them ruin their bodies like that!!

Any suggestions??? If only she knew how really badly she is hurting herself! I've downloaded horrible pictures of cancerous lungs but she just shrugs....

[Lissacamille]

Originally Posted by GenB

My lovely 19 yr. old dd is smoking. She REEKS of the nastiest cigarette smell! She also gets in a tanning bed and looks awful. She is so pretty and petite and has the most incredible personality!

I don't know what to do! She stayed home to go to a local college and lives with us. I try to cut her some slack but Im having a hard time with this one. Of course, she doesn't smoke in the house but she and her friends do in the yard. I'm going to ban that. I cannot sit by as a mom and watch them ruin their bodies like that!!

Any suggestions??? If only she knew how really badly she is hurting herself! I've downloaded horrible pictures of cancerous lungs but she just shrugs....

My 19 y.o. DD is smoking as well. I can't get over what a failure I must be for that to happen!
Ban smoking on your property but other than that, let it go. There's not a lot we can do besides lecture, and that gets old.

[terrordactyl]

there is not much you can do about it kids tend to rebel when you makes things not allowed its her body and what she chooses to do with it now that she is not a small child is her choice

[GenB]

Lissacamille, I feel the same way! What have I done???? DH and I are good people and have given her a wonderful life! She's happy, very funny, and otherwise a joy to have around. I guess I have to concentrate on that. But truthfully, I am also embarassed for her to meet people. She smells so bad that it makes her seem very hard. I worry about the types of friends she will attract. I know that sounds awful but we all want the best for our children, especially when it comes to a boyfriend and I am really bothered that nice guys wont have anything to do with her. She has a boyfriend now and he smokes like a chimney, too, though is is a cute kid.

Her skin looks bad and between that and the smell.....GEEZ!!!!! I smoked BRIEFLY in college until I went to work for an oncologist and saw my first malignant lung xray. That did it. I never picked them up again and as I've gotten older and greener, I am rabidly opposed to smoking. She has seen me be obnoxious in restaurants and even to her godfather who is a very inconsiderate smoker and constantly tries to smoke in my house. He and I have almost come to blows. My point to her is not how it looks, its what it is doing to her lungs and body.

Shaina, I guess you're right. I just need to ban it here and then back off. I just have this horrible gut feeling that she's really going to smoke permanently. THis doesn't seem to be a rebellious thing...she really enjoys it and just says "OK mom" when I say anything (which really is too frequently, I guess.)

[frog]

Originally Posted by GenB

I just have this horrible gut feeling that she's really going to smoke permanently.

And if she does, then what?

As a former smoker myself, my best recommendation to you is to get over your belief that you've "failed" because your (adult) daughter is smoking. It may be a life-long habit. It may be something that she does for a while and stops.

Either way, she's still your kid and even if it's not a choice you'd make, it is her choice.

[KarenEMT]

Originally Posted by frog

And if she does, then what?

As a former smoker myself, my best recommendation to you is to get over your belief that you've "failed" because your (adult) daughter is smoking. It may be a life-long habit. It may be something that she does for a while and stops.

Either way, she's still your kid and even if it's not a choice you'd make, it is her choice.

ITA with this post, as both a former smoker and now mom of a teen. My own mom had asthma. I was an EMS volunteer when I started smoking (so I saw the elderly with COPD) - I just wanted to smoke at that time and NOTHING would stop me. Thank goodness I have since stopped, but it was all my choice.

[moondiapers]

I would just ban it from my property because I have younger kids that I don't want influenced......and I'd gently inform her when she stinks. I might suggest that she use a smoking jacket (button up shirt, sweatshirt, whatever) that she can take off after smoking....then a quick handwashing and toothbrushing will go a long way.

[kriket]

Originally Posted by KarenEMT

ITA with this post, as both a former smoker and now mom of a teen. My own mom had asthma. I was an EMS volunteer when I started smoking (so I saw the elderly with COPD) - I just wanted to smoke at that time and NOTHING would stop me. Thank goodness I have since stopped, but it was all my choice.

I will have to agree, NONE of my family smokes and for some reason in HS I decided that I wanted to. I hid it from my family for a long time, but I am 23 and married, so I've let it slip a little.
My advice is tell your daughter that you are disappointed and that you will not allow her to smoke at your house. She will think that you are a but she will get over it. I would also say that if she has any siblings that you should tell her that they see her and her actions influence them.
thats what my mom did to me. I still smoke, but it is on my mind to quit

[pajamajes]

As a teenage smoker I say, be cool. My grandma was a complete B to me and nagged me about everything. That's actually why I started smoking, to destress from her. I only smoke when I am upset. So its about one cig a day or maybe two. Not too bad, although I do know it's bad for me. I do plan on quitting before I have kids. And if you have younger kids it's your responsibility to protect them from second hand smoke, which I'm sure your daughter understands. She's a big kid now, , and just because she smokes doesn't mean you've failed her as a mom. Smokers can be good people too. And I have a feeling it's just a thing. But even if its not, if you nag too much it will shut down your relationship with your daughter, and that would be a tragedy.

[nextcommercial]

It's hard for kids to see past this year. They can't imagine being 40. But, if she continues to smoke, she will look like she's "Been rode hard and put away wet" as my husband calls it.

There is absolutley a "smoker's face" . Women who smoke don't have the nice skin they would have had if they had never smoked.

My male friend and I were looking through profiles of women in their 40s on match.com. It was so obvious by these photos which women were smokers. Paul smokes, so he was looking for a smoker too. We just went through the pictures and said "She smokes" "She doesn't" "She tans AND smokes" LOL

Shallow, I know.

http://www.quitsmokingsupport.com/skin.htm <--info on smoker's face.

[Sage.Naissance]

Ohh, teen smoking is a tough one. I feel for you, mamas.
I wish there was something you could do.
You are NOT a bad mother. I have an absolutely equisite mother who raised me sooo well, and I smoked as a teenager, still might with a drink once in a blue moon but I quit around 20 because I became health concious and it made me feel like a piece of crap and it was gross.... hopefully she will get that sense.
She could get pregnant... that might make her quit! Joking! Sorry. Gotta make light of these things. If she is around you and stinks tell her so but endless nagging wont work.. I wish it did, I wish anything worked to get people not to start smoking. Blasted cigarettes, I wish they didnt exist. They have always been a big struggle for me.

[ProtoLawyer]

My parents caught me smoking at 17 and told me that if I wanted to kill myself slowly, that's fine, but they were not going to pay for me to go to college (because I was planning to go to school out of state and they felt they'd just be paying to enable the far more smoking I could do if not living under their roof).

That did the trick. I know threats may not be all that gentle but it worked for me.

[ziggy]

"I do plan on quitting before I have kids."

Not always that easy.

[Homestylfry]

Originally Posted by GenB

My lovely 19 yr. old dd is smoking. She REEKS of the nastiest cigarette smell! She also gets in a tanning bed and looks awful. She is so pretty and petite and has the most incredible personality!

I don't know what to do! She stayed home to go to a local college and lives with us. I try to cut her some slack but Im having a hard time with this one. Of course, she doesn't smoke in the house but she and her friends do in the yard. I'm going to ban that. I cannot sit by as a mom and watch them ruin their bodies like that!!

Any suggestions??? If only she knew how really badly she is hurting herself! I've downloaded horrible pictures of cancerous lungs but she just shrugs....

Tape pictures of lung cancer and skin cancer to he cigarette packs and on her door.
Does she pay rent? When I was 20 and smoking and drinking my parents made me start paying rent..said 'if i can afford smoking and drinking then i can afford paying rent"

I couldnt afford smoking or drinking on a regular basis then!

[papayapetunia]

She's not an idiot. She knows it's bad for her health. The best thing you can do is maintain a strong relationship with her so that she knows you're there no matter what. Banning smoking from the property may alienate her. She knows you don't approve. Being forceful with your disapproval will only divide you at a time where she needs togetherness.

[GenB]

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

She's not an idiot. She knows it's bad for her health. The best thing you can do is maintain a strong relationship with her so that she knows you're there no matter what. Banning smoking from the property may alienate her. She knows you don't approve. Being forceful with your disapproval will only divide you at a time where she needs togetherness.

So true. I realize that more each day. I'm making her friends (and her) pick up their nasty butts from the driveway and I'm banning them from smoking on the property because I don't want my 15 yr. old DS influenced. DH and I have also joined Weight Watchers and are walking and working out more. I feel like I'll get more through to her by what I do than what I say.

A funny thing happened last week, though. DH and I went to a nearby car dealership to look at a vehicle and the sales lady came out to greet us with a cigarette in her hand. She was as nice as she could be and quite helpful but she had to keep pausing in her answers to our questions to take a drag off her cig. DD wasn't with us but I wish she had been. This woman was 32 (she told us) and literally looked 60. DH thought she was lying. DD heard us talking about it when we got home and was appalled. Hopefully that made a strong point with her!!!

[barbara73069]

Just My Opinion

Sure she's a smoker but it doesn't make her a bad person, she just made a bad choice and is probably hooked like many of us are or were. All I can say is set the rules that you are comfortable with, but still love her. She's still the same person she always was.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

There is absolutley a "smoker's face" . Women who smoke don't have the nice skin they would have had if they had never smoked.

so true and yet so funny!

I went through a smoking phase at about that age. I was self destructive in a lot of ways and dealing with my underlying issues was the key to stopping the smoking. I think if it were one of my kids, I would be concerned about how they were doing over all -- how their grades were, if they had nice friends, if they had plans and goals and things they were enthusiastic about, etc.

I think that for some young smokers it is a lot simplier -- they just want to look older (and goddess knows smoking will work GREAT for that!) or go against the grain. I think that it can be a statement that they aren't going to do what society expects of them -- a sorta safe way to do make a rebellious statement while doing all the other things they know will pay off for them long term (like working hard at university).

I smoked for a few years, quit, and never went back. I'm quite the little health freak now -- at the gym every day, eating tons of fruits and vegies, and I look younger than I am. There were no long term effects of my silly youthful mistakes.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by GenB

A funny thing happened last week, though. DH and I went to a nearby car dealership to look at a vehicle and the sales lady came out to greet us with a cigarette in her hand. She was as nice as she could be and quite helpful but she had to keep pausing in her answers to our questions to take a drag off her cig. DD wasn't with us but I wish she had been. This woman was 32 (she told us) and literally looked 60. DH thought she was lying. DD heard us talking about it when we got home and was appalled. Hopefully that made a strong point with her!!!

I don't think that will affect her at all. When I was in college, using sunblock on your face was just starting. I had a roommate who used to get really tan. I remember her Aunt telling her she should wear sunblock because she'd be all wrinkly when she was 40 and she said "I don't care what I look like when I'm 40!" But guess what, now we're both 41! I haven't seen her in many years but I bet she still cares what she looks like.

Your DD is 19. 32 is completely off of her radar screen and she probably thinks every 32 yo looks old.

How much is she smoking? Every day? Or just when out with friends?

I don't know what you can do other than ban it in your house. That is your right. I don't think that putting up pictures of cancerous lungs or making snarky comments to her is going to help. It might even make her do it more.

[MamaLisa1]

I went through a phase of that too. I don't think it has anything to do with how wonderfully you are raised or how cute and funny one is....I had a very outgoing personality, we lived in a lovely large home...but my friends and I tried smoking and we LIKED it for whatever reason. I can't even say what it was about it that we enjoyed. Maybe we felt grown up, maybe we thought we were cool? I don't know. I smoked for a while, then stopped, then started back up again until I was about to get married and all of the sudden, it repulsed me.
My inclination of course would be to remind her how nasty it makes her smell...but I'm pretty honest in that way. I'd give her the schpeel about lung cancer, bad skin, and how it depletes the vitamins and minerals in your body, leaving you susceptible to more illness. I'd eliminate the opportunity for the kids to smoke in your yard, and I'd gently remind her that smoking makes you stink. After that, there's not much else you can do really. I am hoping my kids won't choose to smoke, but I'll probably do all those things if they do.