HELP! DD is smoking!! - Page 3

[MamaLisa1]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

I for one welcome the teenagers to come and argue with me.

don't you get enough teenaged arguing at home?
I feel like I want a place where I can get adult points of view without a teenager throwing in their two cents. I often will pose some of the questions here to my kids and see what they think...but for the opinions that really count to me as a parent, I need a place where I feel like I'm getting mature points of view from other parents who have been-there-done-that.
As far as teenagers opinions on this subject, it seems that the ones who are smokers think they should be allowed to do whatever they want and no one should care. The non-smokers think it's a vile and disgusting habit and have no idea why anyone would want to smoke. I was the kid who smoked, but I went to major lengths to hide it from my parents. I chewed gum, sprayed perfume on myself, etc...I'm sure they knew, but never said anything. My two are the ones who think it's nasty...at least for now. But it's nice to see how other parents handle these situations, should they arise for me at some point.

[Blu Razzberri]

Haven't read the other replies; so sorry if I'm repeating myself. Sadly, there's not alot you can do to change it (no matter her age). Talk to her and ask her WHY she smokes. Then find a solution accordingly.

Reason: It's cool/ to fit in / because friends smoke
Possible Solution: Figure out about how much she's smoking per day (1/2 pack, whatever) and show her how much money she could save if she put that money in a bank account instead; and what she could buy with it that would make her 'cooler' (ie: a car, whatever else her friends are in to). I know we try to teach our kids not to do things to fit in; but that's almost impossible to not do at that age... appeal to that in a way that's more productive fitting in.

Reason: To stay thin
Possible Solution: Show her studies that show that smoking does not keep you thin; and stunts your growth too. There's a recent study done, so look that up for current credibility so she doesn't claim the info is outdated.

Reason: Addicted
Possible Solution: Find ways to help her understand that the longer you smoke, the harder it is to stop. Most people I know at my age (26) who smoke, want to stop but struggle with it because they've been doing it since their teen years. Perhaps there are older people she looks up to who also have a desire to quit and a problem with it. Explore quitting options with her (patch, meds, elmination, whatever).

Again, she has to want to quit for any of this to work. You can't force her; but you can influence her as best as you can. If you don't think you can talk to her about it without coming from an emotional perspective; try and find someone else (preferably influential) to talk to her about it. I can't believe kids still smoke....I just don't get why they'd shell out that much cash for it! (Especially here in Canada; at about $10/pack!!) Of all the things to do to rebel and/or fit in! Good luck mama; I really hope you can help her quit somehow!

[Mama Dragon]

I've been the teenage smoker, the teen mom smoker, the adult smoker, and now the adult non-smoker...you really can't do anything but ban it from your property.

FWIW, I've had 2 collapsed lungs and I have emphysema and nothing could get me to quit the last time (I'd been off again-on again depending on pregnancy and stuff), not even my pregnancy with #4 (due to migraines, I had cut down to 3-5 a day but that's as low as I could go without being in excruciating pain)...when he was born, he wouldn't nurse after I'd smoked, so I tried quitting again and was able to (body chemistry was different I suppose, but I didn't get the migraines)..... whatever the reason for smoking, most people need a good reason for quitting, and my son was more important then my own health.

[Arduinna]

I think you have every right to ask her not to smoke in the house. And I wouldn't assume she will think you are : as a PP mentioned. Now days the risks and side effects of smoking are pretty well known. I really doubt she is ignorant of them. I don't think that giving her a quit smoking book, or pasting pictures of lungs will make much difference.

And as the mom of an 18 year old, yea I wouldn't like it if she smoked but I firmly believe that blackmail or requiring rent as some sort of penalty for smoking is wrong. Period. Part of growing up is making decisions, even ones your parents may not agree with. Even ones that you may later regret. Such is life. But I don't use my love and support as blackmail to control my childs decisions.

[Lily Eve]

I like what one poster on here said about her parents refusing to pay her college tuition if she kept smoking. Sometimes kids just need motivation, and if parents cut off all financial aid and let kids move out on their own and pay for everything themselves they may see the light. So I guess what I'm saying is I wouldn't worry about alienating my child at all. I think smoking is completely unacceptable especially in this day and age as all the risks associated with it are well known by all. It'd be tough love for me and I think my child would thank me later for it.

[mom de terre]

Originally Posted by Homestylfry

Does she pay rent? When I was 20 and smoking and drinking my parents made me start paying rent..said 'if i can afford smoking and drinking then i can afford paying rent"

I couldnt afford smoking or drinking on a regular basis then!

I think this is great advice.

[GenB]

Well time has passed and I think we are on the right track. (I hope)
She has stopped hanging out with a friend that smoked ALOT and I haven't noticed that she smells quite as bad. I smell a little smoke on her but not like I did. I also chastised her boyfriend a little (in a funny manner) but I think it made him aware of how we really feel about smoking. He's a great kid and has more influence with her than I seem to. They are banned from smoking on the property at all which really didn't seem to bother anyone very much.

She still gets in the tanning bed, but not as frequently now. One good thing that I have noticed, though, is that she seems to be eating better. My child was an incredible eater as a baby and younger child but lapsed in her mid teen years and started eating a lot of GARBAGE. She never had a soft drink until she hit the 10th grade,then it was no holds barred! DH and I have been on weight watchers and I am once more keeping only healthy foods around the house. No sugar, refined carbs, or junk stuff. I watch her prepare snacks and she's going back to her old ways of healthy eating, lots of water or green tea, etc. So maybe this smoking thing will pass on. She has also given up alcohol except for the occasional beer. She told me recently she just doesn't want to look like some of her friends do that drink alot. She said they make fools of themselves and she's over that. (One can only hope!!)

We'll see. She's basically a good kid that has had her troubled spell but seems to be coming out of it. I agree with most everyone that responded to me on this subject: this is my child. The light of my life. Unless you have a child, it is hard to imagine the depth of love a parent feels for a child. I want only the best for her and will take care of her as much as I can until I draw my last breath. Just because she's 19 doesn't mean that I turned off the motherhood switch and closed the door on her. So to the 19 yr. old pp who thinks its none of my business if she smokes I say get back to me on this subject after you've matured a bit, had a child and can honestly say you've walked a mile in my shoes. I'd like to see if your opinion changes and if it hasn't then perhaps you need to spend some more time on this site around these wonderful, wise women absorbing as much as you can from them.

[ewe+lamb]

GenB - I just wanted to say what a great mom you obviously are, the love for your daughter just shines through.

[Love4Vayla]

I started smoking when I was 13 (I'm 24 now....I quit when I was 21) with the help of my older sisters (17 & 19) who taught me how to inhale. My mom and dad both smoked, too, and so I would pick out their cigarette butts from the ash tray...gross. I smoked in high school and all throughout college. I knew I wanted to quit for a long time for several reasons, and the top priority unfortunately was NOT my health. I ran everyday and wasn't seeing any ill-effects...yet.

I finally QUIT b/c I was tired of the fact that I couldn't deal with a stressful situation without fumbling for a smoke. I QUIT smoking b/c I was so MAD about throwing my hard-earned money to the tobacco companies, especially since I wanted to be *independent* and *free-thinking* and I was very *anti-conformity*. Plus, (and this helped a ton) my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) quit smoking and he told me all the time how much I stunk and I was so self-conscious about it b/c of course I wanted him to like me.

You may not have wanted to hear my life story, but I tell it because nobody on earth could have made me quit something that I wanted to do. Maybe just like your daughter. I smoked everything and drank weekly, did lots of bad drugs...but it all just got so old after a while. Now, I have a VERY hard time being around it. It makes me sick, but I think that's what I preprogrammed myself to think. That it was DISGUSTING, not enjoyable whatsoever.

She'll quit when she wants to. Remind her that it smells nasty and make it as difficult as possible to smoke around you and the rest of your family. Make her brush her teeth, wash her hands, change her clothes, etc. before you go out together as a family or sit down for dinner. Remind her that you do not want to EVER catch her smoking. I wish someone would have done that for me. But photos of lungs or threats never worked for me. If you planned on paying for college, maybe have a nice talk with her and explain how you feel and offer to pay only half if she keeps smoking. Or if you pay her an allowance, cut it off. She may be upset, but I wouldn't want MY money going towards an awful addiction. She can get a job and pay for the $5/pack (or more!) on her own.

My father died last May from cancer at 73. He had emphysema, too. Watching him spit brown mucous into an empty milk jug after a coughing fit was pretty gross and sad and a very good deterrent. I wish he would have been here to watch me get married this past October and to meet my beautiful 2mo old baby girl born in this January. Smoking sucks.

[barbara73069]

My Daughter Smokes Too

I'm a smoker and unfortunately my 16 year old daughter smokes too. I was upset when I found out but as a smoker myself I realize that she will not quit until she herself wants to. Sure I don't like the fact that she smokes, but it doesn't change who she is, and I'm very proud of the young adult she's become, smoking or not.

[GenB]

ewe+lamb, thank you for that comment. That really helped me feel better. I do love her so much...and that is what makes it so hard to watch her do these awful things to her body.

Love4Vayla, you are right. I hope with age comes wisdom. It did for me, too. I did some amazingly STUPID things when I was her age and I came out of it. I have to hope the same for her. I think the idea of washing up when she comes in and before dinner is a good one. I'm going to try that one tonight.

I looked at pics of her spring break beach weekend a little while ago and EVERYONE was smoking. I guess they want to feel grown up and cool. I cannot believe given what we know today about tobacco use that anyone would come within 100 feet of a cig or anything else containing all those chemicals! I am fighting like mad to rid our home of as many chemicals as I can! Geez!!

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

and I don't either...I worded it funny at first. I have an issue with teenagers who are not parents posting things from their selfish points of view. If I were a young adult who was planning on having kids in the near future, of course this would be an excellent resource for finding all kinds of information. Sorry if my other post sounded wrong.

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

That said, are there a lot of teenaged non-mothers posting on this board? I thought this was a place for mothers and mothers-to-be (and in some cases, Dads) to come and talk about the joys and challenges of motherhood...not for teenagers to come and argue with us about it. I'm confused.

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

don't you get enough teenaged arguing at home?
I feel like I want a place where I can get adult points of view without a teenager throwing in their two cents.

If you read the UA there is nothing in it that limits memberships to parents or aspiring parents. And there is nothing in the guidelines of this forum that limits posts from someone that doesn't have a teen. We see plenty of posts from people with babies and toddlers but no teens.

And your assumption and prejudice that a teens view is selfish : you can learn a lot from actually talking with kids including teens.

[SunshineJ]

I started smoking when I was 18, and it's a battle I've been fighting for about 21 years now. I have to agree with the previous poster about smoker's face being more genetic than anything - I still get carded regularly, and just don't look that old yet (but let me do without sleep and I age 10 yrs overnight!).

It's good that she's showing an interest in taking better care of herself. While you can't really forbid her from ever smoking, you can let her know you don't care for it (which I'm sure you've done). Beyond that, I'd teach her how to "manage" it. If she insists on smoking, that's her decision. However, let her know that smoking depletes certain vitamins and suggest she take a multivitamin to help counter that. Let her know gently that she stinks to high heaven and back, and present her some tactics to use to minimize that, as well as letting her know that for things like job interviews, it's important not to go there reeking. Also, let her know that should she decide she does want to quit, you'll help her any way she needs - the patch, a script, a book, whatever she feels would be best- but don't belabor the point. We won't always agree with the choices our children make, but that doesn't mean we can't help them avoid the worst of the damage for their decisions either (especially when at 19 they really may not be able to grasp the full ramifications of those decisions).

[talk de jour]

"around her age" doesn't necessarily make me a non-parent or even a teenager. for the record.

[AsYouWish]

Originally Posted by GenB

Lissacamille, I feel the same way! What have I done???? DH and I are good people and have given her a wonderful life! She's happy, very funny, and otherwise a joy to have around. I guess I have to concentrate on that. But truthfully, I am also embarassed for her to meet people. She smells so bad that it makes her seem very hard. I worry about the types of friends she will attract. I know that sounds awful but we all want the best for our children, especially when it comes to a boyfriend and I am really bothered that nice guys wont have anything to do with her. She has a boyfriend now and he smokes like a chimney, too, though is is a cute kid.

I have not read all of the replies, so I don't know if this has been addressed. But I do want to say that I am a little disturbed by what I read here. OP, I understand that you are worried for your daughter's health, but I really think you are unnecessarily stretching your concerns over a much larger area based on a very false (and, I'll be honest, offensive) concept. You are making statements about the "goodness" of people based on whether or not they smoke. There is no correlation between the two. "Good people" are both smokers and non-smokers and the same can be said for "bad people". If your DD continues to smoke, she might attract other smokers as friends, but since your daughter is happy and funny as well as (currently) a smoker, those other smokers that she attracts will probably be happy and funny people too. My DP is an occasional smoker (although stress at work has led to a once-a-day smoke lately) and he was a light smoker when I met him and "had something to do with him" over 8 years ago. Since in your view, nice girls wouldn't have had anything to do with him because he smokes, does that mean I am not a "nice girl"? And since being with DP, I smoke very, very occasionally (probably several times a year) on a social basis with some of the smoking friends (who happen to be some of the most intelligent, funny, open-minded, loving, compassionate people I could ever have the great fortune to know) that we have attracted. Does that make me downright "bad"? Are our friends, who happen to smoke, also "bad"?

I wonder what your daughter thinks of you and your decision to align smoking with morality. Perhaps by taking up smoking she is trying to teach you something.

And just an anecdotal observation: I dated a lot and had quite a few boyfriends before meeting DP. The boys of whom I have the fondest memories because they treated me so well all happened to be smokers. And the two supreme a$$holes that I was stupid enough to date thought smoking was a disgusting, unhealthy habit. Just sayin'.

[DavinaT]

I have only skimmed through someof the posts but I have to say Lily Eve, I agree with Arduinna on this. Using rent / threat of withdrawl of colege fees is a form of blackmail - plain and simple against someone who, being over 18, is legally an adult.
I never smoked but I was one strong-headed young woman and if my parents tried to use cutting off all financial aid and forced me out of what essentially was my own home to pay for everything myself - over an issue, I would never have set foot on their doorstep again.
Afterall my mother smokes, but I don't threaten to force her to do all her laundry, form filling, financial stuff and grocery shopping herself. She too is an adult.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri

Reason: Addicted
Possible Solution: Find ways to help her understand that the longer you smoke, the harder it is to stop. Most people I know at my age (26) who smoke, want to stop but struggle with it because they've been doing it since their teen years. Perhaps there are older people she looks up to who also have a desire to quit and a problem with it. Explore quitting options with her (patch, meds, elmination, whatever).

I am not sure this is true. I have quit smoking twice in my life. I quit one time at age 18 and stayed quit until age 20. I then smoked from age 20 till age 27.

I remember quitting at 18 was MUCH harder than quitting at age 27. Don't get me wrong, they were both really difficult, but age 18 was beyond painful for me. I remember the feeling and I really don't know how I managed to deal with it. I still can't believe I was stupid enough to do it again at 20.