Would you make a child go to school if they didn't want to?

[Heavenly]

My children are currently homeschooled. Life has been a mess around here lately with my health problems and with Elijah's issues (recently diagnosed with bipolar and still not stable yet) and we haven't really been doing any school work. I am just really burnt out to be honest. We are living in a little basement apartment until 2010 and we are always up in each other's space. We have been looking at Christian schools and we've found one that is great. Only 60 students and they are willing to work with us on Elijah's issues. We definitely hope to have him stabilized on medication before school would start. Anyways he has separation anxiety as part of his bipolar and he is adamant that he does NOT want to go to school. Every time I mention it he gets really upset. So what should we do? Should we make him try it out and see if we can get him to like it? Or should we say that he can stay home? Don't my opinions matter at all, because I want them to go. My daughter really wants to go and I have no doubts she will thrive there. I do acknowledge that school will be more of a struggle for Elijah but I think he can rise to the challenge given the proper medication and support system in place. Opinions?

[Emmeline II]

How about relieving some of the stress by sending your daughter but keeping your son home?

In any case I'd take your son for a tour and have him sit in for a little bit. Maybe he is just afraid of the unknown.

[Heavenly]

Only problem with that is my daughter isn't a source of stress for me at all. She is my only non-special needs child and is totally easy to be around. Its my son that I need the break from.

He did do a tour and sat in the class for an hour. He said he didn't like it because he was scared to be away from me. We are going to have him try a whole day and see how he likes it with the recesses and lunch and all the rest of the daily schedule.

The question still remains though - do I send him against his will if that's what it comes down to?

[momo7]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

Only problem with that is my daughter isn't a source of stress for me at all. She is my only non-special needs child and is totally easy to be around. Its my son that I need the break from.

He did do a tour and sat in the class for an hour. He said he didn't like it because he was scared to be away from me. We are going to have him try a whole day and see how he likes it with the recesses and lunch and all the rest of the daily schedule.

The question still remains though - do I send him against his will if that's what it comes down to?

When I sent my 3rd son to kindergarten...he cried every day for a week. At the time I thought it was something I HAD to do because I never even thought about homeschooling to begin with and I also thought EVERY child should go to school....he didn't like it and yeah, he eventually got over it...but at the same time given the issues that your son has, you have to think about a couple of things: 1. Would he be better if he had a change of environment? 2. Would you be better if he had a change in environment? 4. Is he the kind of child that would "just get over" his fears?

If I were you....I'd keep him at home and if it is possible, because it's going to cost you anyway to send him to private school, to find a tutor that will come to your house and take the load off of you that way.

Here's another thought: How much would it bother you, if it bothered him that you left him, even though you thought it might do him some good?

[Katie Bugs Mama]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

The question still remains though - do I send him against his will if that's what it comes down to?

I'm sure that this won't be a popular answer, but I'll say it anyway: yes, when push comes to shove, you (and his father) get to decide if school is the right thing for him. Your son's input is important, but he doesn't get to make the final decision.

Being in a cramped basement apartment with an overwhelmed, unhappy mother and crazy, dysfunctional g-parents upstairs can't possibly be the best thing for your son or for the rest of your family. You owe it to yourself and the rest of your family to insist that he at least try school. He might find that he really likes it and that the experience gives him the confidence to deal with other new situations.

Regardless of what you decide to do about your son's education, I think that you should definitely send your daughter to the school. The stressful situation at home can't be easy on her, and she deserves a break as much as you do.

[kathymuggle]

Yes, I think at age 7, you can insist he gives school a shot. If he hates it after a couple of months, re-access. I do think that after a few months, if he hasn't adjusted - you should switch schools, HS, etc.

While I think you have the right to send a child to school, that does not mean you should. Do bipolar children typically thrive at school? Or would they be better off HS? Is there any way to realistically lower your stress load - be honest in your internal ascessment and think outside the box.

If you genuinely think this is for the best, do it.

Good luck and hugs!

Kathy

[Mary-Beth]

I don't have an answer for you. That's a tough call.
I would struggle with that as well if I were in your position.

Some thoughts, see if you could help him get more comfortable with school so that he would want to go.
And if not, then see what you can do with your homeschooling so you can schedule in a break for yourself on a regular basis.

[Jenlaana]

I'm in a similar situation. My son has ADHD and was mistreated by the system in school, and because of that I took him out and homeschooled him for almost 3 years. During that time I had a baby and had another on the way and realized I just couldn't do it all. I was so angry and frustrated and just miserable and could not give any of my children my best, because "I" needed some space. I sent my son to school last Fall and it wasn't perfect, it still isn't, but where he originally did not want to go, now he goes with very little complaint. The agreement that I made with my son, is that if he goes, and does his very best (i.e. does not misbehave to get kicked out or to get out of doing the work), then at the end of the school year, we can discuss if he wants to homeschool again next year. In the beginning he absolutely wanted to stay home next year, but as of now, he just wants us to try to find him a better school (we're in a poor area with a very poor public school system and unfortunately its very segregated here in the "deep south" but thats another story).

I really dont think you should sacrifice yourself for you son if you can find a solution that works for everyone. I also think that you should insist that he give it a shot, if you think its the best solution, and give him time to adjust before letting him back out. Going to school can be a scary/uncomfortable transition at first, but there are a lot of benefits in the long run that he may realize once he settles in.

[MCR]

Is there a way you can have him meet some other children from the grade/class he'll be in, maybe make some connections over the summer and have familiar faces about when he starts the new school year?
I can see why he'd be afraid, but if he knew nice kds maybe he'd feel better about going. Then If he really gave it a good try, aybe for a couple of months, to get into the swing of it, he may enjoy it.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II

How about relieving some of the stress by sending your daughter but keeping your son home?

In any case I'd take your son for a tour and have him sit in for a little bit. Maybe he is just afraid of the unknown.

I agree. You don't have to home school all of your children. I have two in private school right now and one at home being schooled. Whatever works!

[Karenwith4]

What do his doctors say? I don't think this is a decision that should be made independent of his medical support team and possibily without the schools health team (social worker/psychologist etc). What do your instincts say (focusing on your son, not the complex issues of your situation).

I'll share my experience. I sent my son to K. He has no diagnosis, but if still in school he probably would have. He is also very attached, introverted and would likely have been diagnosed with separation issues. In hindsight he clearly wasn't ready to be in school and it has had a detrimental effect on him even years later.

He attended a few months of grade 1 and frankly they were hell. I know you think you will get a break - but in all honesty you probably won't. My experience was that he needed more from me when he got home, he resisted going in the morning, which more often than not meant starting my day off in an unpleasant battle. The school will need support, he may need more medical care if he is pushed to go to school. His relationship with you may deteriorate in part because you will only get him at his worst - tired, overwhelmed, feeling misunderstood and possibly set adrift.

Honestly if it were me, I wouldn't send him. I think in this case I would do everything I could in my power to deal with my issues so that I could more fully support my child in his.

I know that it is probably not what you wanted to hear.
hth
Karen

[annethcz]

Yes, I would send him. You post pretty frequently about the amount of stress that you are experiencing in your life. Although it may not be comfortable for him, I think that BOTH of you need a break from each other. I do think that it would benefit you to have time to yourself, it may help you to feel less burned out. I also think that it would benefit your DS to be in an environment with people who aren't burned out from being "on" 24/7. As a parent, you are responsible for making sure that your DS is cared for in the best manner possible.

Please don't think I'm saying that you're not good enough for your DS. I say this as someone who planned to homeschool my children through elementary school at the minimum. Because of some very stressful family situations, I sent my kids to school. I recognized that I was not doing as good of a job as I wanted to at meeting everyone's needs- at the time, my children and my DH were sapping all of my strength and I felt like I had nothing left for myself. I didn't feel this was an optimal environment for my kids. To be honest, I don't think that school is necessarily the optimal environment either. But, being realistic, I chose what I thought was best for my kids at the moment. That's the best I could do.

FWIW, my DS was very reluctant to start school after being homeschooled his whole life. I wouldn't say that he was adamant about not attending, but he was angry that I was sending him to school. That was a month ago. Today, he LOVES school. He is making friends and is eager to go every morning. Every afternoon when I pick him up, he is all smiles. I was concerned that DS wouldn't adapt well, but he did. When it comes down to it, DS didn't want to go to school, but I thought that school was best and I made him go. I don't feel bad about it at all. I recognized that I can't meet my kids' needs if I'm not meeting my own needs, and right now that wasn't happening with HSing.

[karne]

It sounds like school might meet some of the needs of your family right now. Maybe not forever, but for now. My sense is that while it's fine to give kids space to express their likes/dislikes, big-ticket decisions, like school, are ultimately the parents choice. And, by not being clear about this, you may create more anxiety for your kids than if you calmly make the decision and calmly stand by it. Then perhaps you have to be prepared for the storm of "not wanting to go"--if you feel Ok about your decision, for all of the reasons you have identified, then you can stand steady and allow the storm to blow around you. Some kids, including one of my own, say no to everything the first time around-it's their approach to life. So life can feel like we're pushing-the child is pushing back, but DH and I know that is this particular child's way of approaching new situations. There is always the option of re-evaluation if something isn't working, but you can't know until you've tried.

Also, if you do the school route, I would take the long view, and view adjustment time in terms of months, possibly the year. And you can get ahead of the curve by planning with the school/teacher for your son's needs, and planning with your son as well. It is possible that you won't achieve perfect happiness for everyone involved in the situation, you son included. But that might not be possible with any educational decision you make. There are bound to be snags, but as long as you can anticipate the good and bad, you may end up feeling OK about your decision. Good luck.

[Septagram]

I think that hiring a tutor or mamas helper is a great idea. I've had issues with depression and PTSD, and let me tell you, it's not easy. I think that you can get his issues leveled out and asses the situation from there.. In the end, though, I think that sending an emotionally unstable child into a situation that they don't want to be in may be more harmful than good. He will fight back and he will be miserable, in turn making you miserable.

Yeah, you're the parent, but he's the one being subjected to going to school against his will. Keep talking to him and keep digging for a better answer. I'm sure that something will come to light that will help him and in turn help you.

I know it's hard. Hang in there mama.

[momz3]

If he seriously did not want to go and I thought it would do more damage than good, then no, I would not make them go, I would try to homeschool.

[medaroge]

Originally Posted by Mary-Beth

I don't have an answer for you. That's a tough call.
I would struggle with that as well if I were in your position.

Some thoughts, see if you could help him get more comfortable with school so that he would want to go.
And if not, then see what you can do with your homeschooling so you can schedule in a break for yourself on a regular basis.

I agree. You need to find what works for your family.

[CarrieMF]

When is he supposed to start? Could being stablized with his meds change his opinion?

[EFmom]

Personally, I don't think young children should be making those kinds of decisions. I think it's the job of the parents to decide what's best.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by EFmom

Personally, I don't think young children should be making those kinds of decisions. I think it's the job of the parents to decide what's best.

I agree.

My younger two will come home next year and if I left it up to "them" they would choose to stay in school because of a. their friends and b. lunch and recess. They can get all that in at home by being involved in groups. So I make the final decision that is best for them.

[thismama]

Mine recently had a hard time going to school, and we got thru it with lots of loving support from both parents and her teacher. I know it's not the same as starting school, but maybe you could work with him to find out what his fears are about and work to allay them? Also explaining why school was necessary really helped my daughter (in our case it's coz i go to school too but you could talk about having a small space at home, all the things you want for him from school, etc). I also had to spend intense one on one time with my daughter at home when she was having stress... it was centred around the same thing, wanting mama.

Good luck!