DSD has called me Mom twice... - Page 2

[violet_]

Originally Posted by JSMa

So I do take part in some things... but as her Father he has all final say. That comes from his growing up too, as it was always the man that dished out discipline and set it and so forth.

Yikes! This would be a major red flag for me. It sounds like something that definitely needs to be worked out *before* the two of you get married, unless you want to feel like a second-class citizen in your own home. If you can't parent together with the stepdaughter, how will you parent together with a new baby? Will you have two sets of rules for the two kids? Or will you have to do everything for the new baby the same as the older child (i.e., as your DH and his ex have deemed appropriate) to have consistency? I'd be very wary of this arrangement. Unless you want him dictating all parenting decisions to you, then you need to sort that out ahead of time. Think about what it is you want and envision for your future and then have a long talk (or several) with him to make sure you're on the same page. If you have a child and then find out it doesn't work, you could be in a much worse situation. Best of luck.

[kblackstone444]

Subbing. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn I wrote the original post.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Actually Violet... we are on the same page with a lot of things... it really isn't as bad as it was in the begining. We have had our battles for sure, but I am a very outspoken and independent woman, and he has learned to respect that and the fact that I do speak my mind.

But yes... I fully agree... any big issues we need to be on the same page with as I won't have separate rules in my house... And I told him this, and he understands it. We will generally have a big sit down if something happened that I do not agree with, then we generally discuss it and see each others views and come to some kind of compromise.

I have to admit things have gotten a little lax on my part as of late because I've just been exhausted... DSD has been a terror lately... no idea why, nothing has changed in either of her environments... Her Mom and I have talked about it... all four parental figures had a big talk about it... the grandparents have talked about it... no one can determine anything except she is just being a brat. *shrugs* I have found this nifty positive banking system that I am going to try with that. Have all my notes printed out to go over with DP later tonight.

Like I said... he has come a looooong way since the begining. I saw the flags in the begining, and I laid law a few times... and it has always sunk into him.

The scolding for calling Mom thing simply hasn't... and that I know that is because that is his own biggest fear of losing his daughter... but I'm going to talk to him and mention some things, like I have seen here, one of my favorites being, "A parent can love more than one child... why can't a child love more than one Mommy or Daddy?"

I am sure it will all work out. He generally is stubborn at first and needs time to mull things over and come to terms in his own head about things... but we have pretty much come to a good compromise on everything. We really do have a lot of communication.

[Spring Sun]

I love the idea of a child being able to have more than one mom or dad. How great for them! Already both my son and dp's son have benefited more than you could imagine from having four parents in his life. I would LOVE for dp's son to call me Mom, but would check it out with his mom first. I am guessing I will end up getting a special name (bc he really loves me and I know he won't want to just call me Stacey for much longer). Maybe Mama Stacey or whatever version of mom that he does not use with his own mother.

I would tell your d to get over it, do what is best for his child.

[Phoenix~Mama]

So I finally found the courage to talk to DP about this again...

I said I'd like to think up a special name for DSD to call me, and we can say that when she calls me Mommy...

He reacted as I thought he would. Told me I'm being silly, basically. Said my role is no less just because I don't have a role title. And to a 3 year old they are all just names and it makes no difference.

He said he doesn't want to confuse her more, she knows me as Jen and that's final. He said there is no way to explain having two Mom's to her, and his beleifs are that a child is born with one Mom and one Dad.

I told him, yes they are born with one Mom and Dad, but sometimes things happen and they end up with more, and if they are all positive people in her life that she feels close enough to call that, what is the harm in it?

He said she isn't old enough to differentiate between the two and she won't be able to understand it and until she can he won't let her call anyone differently.

He said when she is older if she decides to call me something then we will cross that bridge then and if she decides to call his ex's partner something, he will talk to her at that time how much it upsets him.

I even used my thing of if a parent can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one Mom or Dad? He said because he earned being called Dad... I asked aren't we by parenting/raising/loving the child? Then it went back to she can't differentiate.

*bangs head on something*

He said if she wants she can call me Step-Mom... oh freakin joy. I hate the word Step-Mom... He said don't blame him, blame society for giving it such a negative vibe.

blah...

I'm just worried that it will really hurt DSD when she gets a little brother/sister and they can call me Mommy but she will get scolded for it.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by JSMa

I even used my thing of if a parent can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one Mom or Dad? He said because he earned being called Dad...(

And what did you earn with everything you do for the child?! What, does he think you're just sitting there twiddling your thumbs?! I would have smacked him!

[Phoenix~Mama]

Yeah... DP can say insensitive things at times without thinking them through... to be fair I didn't pick the best time to bring this up.

He just got home from working all night, but he started talking to me, and what he was talking about had direct correlation to the title thing, so I went for it like a dummy...

Thing is I don't think there ever is a good time to discuss it.

I don't think he underestimates what I do for his daughter. He thanks me a lot... I think this really comes from the fact that he can't handle the idea of her possibly calling Jeremy (his ex's BF) Daddy and this makes him go through the roof.

Cause he actually admitted that in a few years when DSD can differentiate and if she decides then to call me Mom, then he knows she made that decision with knowing the difference... but if she did the same for Jeremy he'd talk to her and tell her how disspointed and upset it makes him. *shrugs*

But he also said that if his ex voices any displeasure in what DSD decides to call me, he will respect his ex's feelings on their daughter and have to put a stop to it.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Forgot... wanted to add... lol

He knows I do A LOT of research and am on a blended families board... I told him I come to conclusions on things, not just from my own mind but from what other people say too... and this ranges from children of step-parents, to step-parents, to biological parents.

He says he loves that I take such an active role in research and that a lot of times it comes up with a positive result, but with this topic he doesn't care what other people have to say, it's his call as the Dad.

So what's behind a name?

[violet_]

If the name/title is a priority for you, here's something to consider:

When kids, especially little kids, are around adults, they seldom use first names. They have Mommy and Daddy and Grandpa and Grandma and uncles and aunts and teachers, none of whom get called by their first name in most cases. If little kids have a relationship with a special adult (like a stepparent), for whom there is no special name, particularly one acting in a very parental role, the natural thing for them to do is call that person Mom or Dad. A bunch of stepmoms on this board will vouch for this. It happens. And in the absence of loyalty issues, it would probably happen more.

In my case, we gave me a title from the get-go. We made it up. It doesn't have "mom" or my name in it. So they know I am a special adult with a special title and they already have a word for it. So they never try to call me Mom. I've been called Bonus Mom a few times (mostly right after we got married -- it was our response to the word "stepmom" that they had been taught elsewhere), but usually they stick to my title. I get called Mom about as often as I get called Dad (as in, just when they really mean "Parent!" but the wrong word comes out).

So, from your DP's perspective, if he really wants Jeremy to never be called "Dad," his best bet may be for Jeremy to have another title and circumvent that one ahead of time. Same would apply to you. I know lots of grandparents who raise their grandkids, but none of them get called "Mom." Why? Well, they already have a title.

Ok, so now that I've put this out here maybe someone will pipe up with a counter example? Maybe not? But as far as I know and from my experience I'd bet that giving you a title will:

1) signify that you are a special adult

and

2) lessen the likelihood of the child calling you Mom, as she won't need to.

[Spring Sun]

Jenifer,
Do you mind if I ask if you live together and how long you have been together? I ask this only bc I thought I remembered that you don't live together yet and there are other circumstances going on with your dp?

I have gotten some bad responses on this board for not being married to dp, so don't think it is that! I would not allow dp's son to call me his stepmom until we actually live together. He wants to call me that, but right now that is not the best choice. I would allow him to give me a special name now, since I am def a special person in his life. But not mom, or a variation thereof, yet.

I just wonder if it is too soon? How involved is he in the ttc? Is he really into it? If so, you are going to be the mom in the house. You want to be more than just Jen to her, since she is so young. I know that with my ds he will never remember a time without dp, since he met him when he was just 2. You will be special to her, I think you can claim that.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Violet, you have all the points I am thinking perfectly spelled out. I may just print that and leave it somewhere for DP to read. hehe

But yes... I do not care if she calls me Mom or not... my point was some type of title so she can recognize me as a special adult in her life without the fear of stepping on any toes of her Mom or Dad... Violet spelled that out nicely.


Spring Sun, we have been together over 6 months... I was staying over a lot, but permanently moved in over the holidays, pretty much January I was there officially everynight. Currently we are living with his Mom and Step-Dad until we find a place that meets our needs.

We had dated previously for three years and were engaged then... we have a lot of history together, so it may seem fast to the outside world, but not to us. He has told me on numerous occaisons that he should have married me from the begining.


As for TTC, he is VERY on board. To the point of being adorable about it. lol He listens to me go on about temping and the new herb supplements I am trying and asks questions. He said he would even take the Maca if it will help. He is very supportive and totally on board with it.

So yes... that is part of my point... I will be Mommy/Mom/Mama whatever, hopefully within the next year or so if we are lucky and blessed. :

[dawn1221]

I agree that if the child initiates calling you mom it is probably okay for the child to do that if all parents are okay with it.

But I have been a step mom to my step sons for the last four years. Been in their lives for the last eight. They were little guys when I came into the picture. And I would never expect them to call me mom. They have a mom. The kids call me "dawn".

If her father is not okay with his child calling you mom I think you should respect that and not push the issue. I DO NOT think he should be yelling at his child or reprimanding his child for that. Maybe he could explain things instead of "putting his foot down".

Could part of the issue with him allowing his child to call you mom be the fact that you are newly in a relationship? Six months is not anywhere near a long time. No offense meant. I just remember how new things were when I was at that point in my relationship and I can't imagine even considering that type of discussion.

[JustVanessa]

I was around 4 when I started to call my mother's husband dad. I knew perfectly well that he wasn't my REAL dad, but it was OK to call him dad. I didn't have to and it was made perfectly clear that whatever I wanted to call him was fine. I started calling my stepmother "mom" around 7 or 8 I think. Sometimes, its easier, especially if there are other kids calling you mom etc. I had half brothers and sisters so they all called their dad, dad.

With my son we have always referred to my dp as Kevin. Byron usually calls him Kevin and his bio dad, daddy. He is just starting to explore the idea of Kevin being a "dad" figure in play. He will tell Kevin "I am the boy turtle and you are the daddy turtle" etc. I have no doubt that after dp and I have our new baby and we start referring to Kevin as the baby's daddy that ds will probably try it. I plan to let him know that if he wants to, its OK and in no way does it make his REAL daddy anything different.

[becoming]

I agree with the PPs who have suggested finding a special name she can call you other than your actual first name. We have an interesting family set-up in that DS1 (6yo) and DS2 (8 months old) are mine and my husband's children together, but DD (2yo-middle child) is not biologically my DH's. She sometimes calls DH "Dad" out of the blue, probably just because she hears her older brother call him that, and we don't make a big thing out of it. We do keep referring to him as Papa (her name for him) to her, and she mostly calls him that.

I think it's okay for your DH to *gently* remind DSD that you are her <insert special name here>. He could say, "She's your <special name>, remember?" I can't imagine how rejected she feels when she reaches out to you in that special way and is shut down by her father scolding her.

You sound like a wonderful stepmom, so I'm not surprised that she thinks of you as a mother to her.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thank you everyone for yout input on this, and the warming comments. It means a lot.

[Jilian]

I know I'm in the minority but I do not have DS call DH "dad". But I would not scold him if he did call DH "dad" either. One day he announced that DH was his "lower case dad" DH liked it. DS1 has his own father, and I do feel it would be disrespectful to ask him to call another man dad - it does feel like it takes away from the title a little bit. When my ex husband started dating a new girl and I found out she was telling DS1 to call her "mom" I was upset and offended. I had words with my ex about it. I would not mind if he came up with a special name for her, but I was upset to hear she was asking him to call her mom. I felt like she was disrespecting me and trying to take over my job (again, she was his new GF at the time, they have since married).

So I can *kind of* see where your ex is coming from but I think he is handling it in the wrong way, especially since your dsd is the one choosing to call you mom. Maybe you could say something like "silly, I'm not your mom, I'm your Jen".

[Phoenix~Mama]

I have done that before Jilian, in those same exact words actually. lol

*shrugs*

I'm just gonna hang tight til the other kids come, and take it from there. Right now she isn't seperated from anything... but when I do get pregnant I want to impress she is a part of this family, and that I love her as a daughter too, and hopefully she won't feel left out from the other kids.