Supporting birth after full term loss

[mamallama]

I don't know where to start...

I'm an experienced doula, so I'm not starting from scratch.

Last spring I attended my best friend's birth. We were both expecting babies, two months apart. Her first, my third. Her beautiful son died shortly after birth.

It's been a pretty horrific year.

She's due with her second in June, and she's asked me to attend. Of course I agreed. I feel so enormously underprepared, but I don't even know what I need to know, kwim?

Where do I start?

[mamato3cherubs]

How difficult. i am not even sure what to say. i can tell you where i think i would begiin but i could be way off as i have not been through this.

First you are friends so you may know what she can handle, what she cant. But if she can, i would start with helping her reprocess her birth experience from her first birth. Find her fears, her comforts. What she is feeling this pregnancy. what brings her joy about it, what brings her saddness.

If you can get to know and talk about the things that trigger the bad, then you can begin to try to plan the birth around the rest. Maybe she needs some reasureance about what ever cause the death. A new environment for birth. Im sure you get the idea.

[birthangeldoula]

I think lots of positive reassurance, and positive affirmations may help. Helping her process her feelings and thoughts about this pregnancy, and acknowledging her fears by just listening to what she has to say, not matter how many times she needs to repeat herself. Before the birth, talking about her other pregnancy, and how this one differs from the other. I think it's all about processing old feelings and new feelings..
I think that would help her tremendously. The key is to have a great pair of listening ears and a positive mental attitude.

[jeninejessica]

one of my online 'mentors' experienced a traumatic loss at 32 weeks, and then went on to UC her next only 11 months later. I can send you the link to her journal if you'd like. It might help with some insight on what she's feeling/needing, but not able to tell you? I know reading her thoughts was really eye opening for me.

[birthangeldoula]

Originally Posted by jeninejessica

one of my online 'mentors' experienced a traumatic loss at 32 weeks, and then went on to UC her next only 11 months later. I can send you the link to her journal if you'd like. It might help with some insight on what she's feeling/needing, but not able to tell you? I know reading her thoughts was really eye opening for me.

I'd be interested in reading her blog. I always find it compelling to see how other bereaved parents process their thoughts. Blogs are always a helpful way of putting those feelings out there and processing things. As a bereaved parent myself I've found journaling therapeutic and necessary.

[mamallama]

Thank you for the wise words, ladies.

Jeninejessica, if it's ok with your friend, I'd love the link.

[jeninejessica]

I'm having a hard time navigating lj (it's not my home site), but this is the first entry, where she told us of his birth and death.
Jericho

He was born on November 2, 2005. If you have free time, she mentions him and her healing quite frequently afterwards until the birth of her next son, in October, though she does still mention him now.

If anyone here has OD, as I'm finding more of you do, it's a little easier to link you to those as it lets me search by Month/Date.

Hopefully this will help you be able to help your friend. There's a lot of insight and raw hoensty in this woman's writings.