I don't even know where to post

[forestrymom]

I need to vent about some things that seem to be related to my parenting style. I would love some suggestions. A lot of what I said was right off the top of my head--out of frustration and anger at myself for even having the feelings. I have PPD, if that makes any of it more easily understood. And, I have poor sleepers, so I'm tired on top of it all

I am sooo frustrated. I can't stand myself. I can't stand my kids. Or my husband. I am resentful. I hate that my kids don't sleep. What is wrong with them? Or me? My friends' kids sleep. I hate that, for me attachment parenting seems to have made my kids more needy and poor sleepers. I feel like had I not responded to them with such intensity and felt so compelled to make them not cry, I have set myself up for failure, which seems to be what I am doing. My ds will not sleep without me. Not for naps, not for nighttime. Never. Not without a fricking nipple in his mouth. I am soooo exhausted. What is my dd suppposed to do 5 times a day while my son wants to sleep sucking on me? And he won't do it anywhere except in the stupid bed. Won't sleep on me, in a carrier unless I NEVER stop moving. And, he never naps for longer than 15, 20 minutes. What is wrong with him? With me for not being able to fix it?

And my dd...don't even get me started. I want to put her in her room and not let her out ever. She is in my face, in his face, needing me constantly. Right now, my ds is in my bed screaming his head off because dd interupted us nursing again and now he won't sleep. Dd is in her room because I can't stand to look at her. I would let him cry it out if I thought it would help but I've ruined him because i respond to every cry. Dd isn't napping anymore either, so now I don't even have that time. And ds wakes up 20 or 30 times during the night to nurse/scream/giggle.

I have been an awful mommy the past few weeks too...I am so tired and frustrated that I can't stand either one of my kids and I am yelling and all I really want to do is lock myself in my bedroom and let them fend for themselves. I just can not do it anymore. I can't. I need to make some changes, but I don't even know how.

How do I get a baby who won't sleep unless he's sucking, to sleep without sucking? How do I get my 27 mo to understand that I need to have the time to get him to sleep? How do I get them both to sleep better at night? Right now, my son wakes at 6 or so, goes back to sleep for 15 minutes after being awake for only 20 minutes, and then is awake for an hour or so, then watns to sleep for another 15 minutes. It takes him 10 minutes to fall asleep. He takes one longer nap when dd takes her brief nap, because I lay down with him and let him suck the entire time. If I move away, he is awake.

My house and my life are a wreck. I am fat and out of shape and can't keep up. I am tired. I don't have any clothes to wear because I am too fat for them all and we have no money for me to buy new ones, and I hate the thought of buying new clothes.

I am having flashbacks to my childhood, when my mom used to throw us (literally) into our rooms and then come in with a wooden spoon and spank us for whatever. I feel like I am on the verge of that. I hate that I think that I might do that to my kids, but I am losing my mind. I feel picked on, like someone has it out for me (karma??? or something like that). I just don't understand what I am doing wrong..

[diamond lil]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you tried the book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution? It really helped my SIL, whose baby was holding the entire house hostage with her sleep patterns. It was so bad that her older sons asked to sleep at grandma's just so they would be rested enough to go to school in the mornings. This book changed their lives. Now the baby sleeps and the household is back to normal again.

[Mom4tot]

Bump


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[forestrymom]

I have NCSS, but it really talks about breaking the suck to sleep association, and he doesn't sleep at all without sucking. I mean, he wakes up right after I pop the nipple out. He's even like this in the car. Last night, I rode home from my MILs hunched over the carseat nursing him as he slept, because he would cry and cry and cry. I've tried it...he cried for a 2.5 hour cartrip and the only time he stopped was when I stopped the car and nursed him. But as soon as he got back in his seat, the screaming started again. I stopped a few times to console hiim and settle him down, but it was temporary.

I also want to emphasize that I really need some help dealing with the anger I'm feeling.

[diamond lil]

I'm so sad for you. I can feel the pain in your posts. Is it at all possible for you to take a day and leave the kids alone with Dad or a trusted friend/relative, even if it only for a day or few hours? You deserve some serious decompression time. It must be so frustrating to be constantly needed, 24/7.

I urge you to discuss your concerns with your doctor too. You may be suffering from PPD.

I wish I was nearby. I could offer you a hug and some free babysitting.

[Mom4tot]

I will move this to Parenting Issues.

Thanks for your patience

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Your life sounds so insane right now. No wonder you are feeling frustrated and angry. There is only so much a person can take. You're not doing anything wrong; you didn't create this in your non-sleeping child, and your feelings are very, very normal and appropriate.

I've been there. DD is 3 now, and sleeping better (much better). She started sleeping good enough so that I was getting enough sleep to function (although not all the sleep I wanted) around 10 mths, then it got worse around 14 mths, then better again around 18 mths.

Lack of sleep is the worst. It affects your ability to be who you want to be. It makes you feel miserable all the time.

Some babies just don't sleep well for a while. Its just their constitution. It WILL get better.

There are some things you can try. Try eliminating dairy from your diet. Even better, for three days, eat nothing but water, turkey, rice, and your prenatals; that should give you a clear picture if your diet is going to help your babe sleep.

Maybe your partner or a friend can take over for two hours in the morning while you sleep those two hours; even if it means they have to take them outside - one in the stroller, the other in a sling, and walk around the neighborhood or go the park or something.

[TinyMama]

Will your ds suck his thumb? Or... : a pacifier?

At 5mo (iirc that's your son's age?) my dd would only sleep on her tummy with her thumb in her mouth. Period. I would nurse her to sleep on her tummy--it looked like an awkward position to swallow in, but she didn't complain--and then switch the nipple for her thumb. If your son won't suck his thumb, at this point I would try a pacifier.

I hope you get some good advice here.

[EarthMamaToBe]

This will probably be an unpopular answer but if you are feeling really overwhelmed then make sure the kids are dry and fed and then put them somewhere safe (crib, playpen, swing) etc and take 15 minutes for yourself (take a shower, drink a cup of tea, whatever). It will not ruin them (even if they cry) to spend a few minutes without you on occasion so that you can be a calmer parent. Also do you have a friend or neighbor that could watch them for a couple of hours once a week?

Lots of Hugs and calming vibes to you!

[becoming]

Oh my gosh, mama. Things are so rough for you right now, and I wish I could offer you a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter, a homecooked meal, anything...

I do have a few suggestions:

1. Get a pacifier. Get lots of them. I seriously don't know how I would survive if my DS didn't suck a pacifier. He is the type of baby that has to be sucking something constantly--asleep, awake, ALWAYS. We use Playtex "Most Like Mother" pacifiers, which you can find at Wal-Mart. They're the only binky my DS will take.

2. See a doctor or therapist. It really sounds like you have PPD, mama. I say this in the most caring of ways, not trying to offend you at all. You do have a lot of very valid reasons to feel super overwhelmed, but I think the feelings of rage and hopelessness sound like PPD. You need some help with this, and I think you know that.

3. Will your DD do any quiet activities such as finger-painting, putting puzzles together, coloring, playing with Play-Doh while you're trying to nurse the baby to sleep? My DD can be silent for 30 minutes or longer while putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Maybe you can find a similar interest for your DD so that you at least have a little peace while nursing your baby.

4. Try putting the baby on his tummy to sleep. All three of my babies have had to be on their tummies to get any decent sleep whatsoever.

I wish I had more advice. I really, really feel for you.

[Demeter9]

I have no advice.

But I have been you, so please accept my

[Mom4tot]

I remember that time as being one of the hardest times when my children were very young. They can change so fast, but that is one stretch of time that feels like it will last forever.

[Kirsten]

You had two kids in under two years. Your hormones and lack of sleep and emotional stress are causing huge issues for you. I really understand how you feel - I do. I had PPD when my dd2 was born (thankfully dd1 was four and able to be helpful and quiet when needed, and was fairly independent by that point) brought on I believe by her colic. And again though less severe when dd3 was a baby, and I had nursing issues and a 6 and 2 year old and a dp who works out of the country one week per month.

There are periods of time that are very, very challenging. Remember that it won't always be this way. The baby will learn to sleep without you - though I do think you can help or restrict this process by your choices.

You can only do what you can do. Do you have a partner who can help you? Friends or family locally? I know it is hard to reach out when you are feeling so crummy, but you really should.

Another thing that helped me was to lower my standards. Binkies won't ruin the baby. With my first, I'd have cut off my arm before giving her one; I had high moral ground about her never having one. Dd2 lived with one in her mouth all through infancy. Both their teeth look exactly the same now btw - didn't affect that at all.

Is there a local daycare that you could take your dd to for a couple of hours twice a week, or even every day for a couple of hours? You need a break! Daycare was another of my "never ever" things, but dd3 went in half time when I went back to work when she was three, and she loves it!

I really think that crying isn't the "they'll be ruined" thing that some people think it is. If you have an easy baby, it is easy to pull that off - but sometimes we get a challenging one. When you have two or more kids, there are times that one has to wait. He or she may cry. Life is like that. If you never want your kid to cry, don't have two kids. It is unrealistic to think that one person can tend to two small, close in age kids without ever having one cry.

When mine would cry, and I was in the middle of helping another or taking dinner out of the oven, or using the bathroom, or whatever - I would talk to her "I know you are sad/angry/etc; I'll be there as soon as I finish xyz" I never felt that that few second or even a minute wait would be detrimental to them.

I am glad you posted. That is the first step out of the hole that you are in. I really remember being in that hole; it just sucks. You - and they - will be ok. And all three of my kids love me - even though I was truly awful during those hard times. It will be ok.

[VijayOwens]

SO many of us have been there. Some of us have had PPD, some of us just had REALLY high needs babies which can make you a basket case even without PPD. But we have all felt tired, touched out, frustrated, and those other parenting methods start to look more appealing.

But you are NOT ruining your kids by doing AP. It is just very very hard without a "tribe."

Is there anyone who can help? Take them both for a walk in the evening so you can get a shower and a nap? I find being well rested is key. I am an ogre if I have less than 6 total hours or if it is broken up into more than 3 chunks no matter how long it is. I get angry over nothing and feel like I have nothing to give -- and because they want so much it makes me even more resentful. Finding a way to "fill your cup" can go a long way to help you tolerate their intense needs right now.

It gets easier! It really does. But co-sleeping is not the culprit, nursing is giving your baby the best possible start. It's okay to ask for/need help! It is okay to go to your doctor and say I think I might have PPD. It's okay really!

You are strong. You can get through this without resorting to the wooden spoon. You have gotten some great advice here and no judgment. Don't be too hard on yourself! It's okay if your house is messy. Your kids need you. That is your top priority right now, and there is nothing wrong with that. But you have to take good care of yourself too.

It is such a hard balance to find. Mine are almost 5 and almost 3 and I still struggle with getting everyone's needs met. But remember the oxygen mask analogy: you can't take care of them properly unless you also take good care of yourself.

Hang in there and it bears repeating: don't be afraid to ask for help. Some of my biggest parenting mistakes happened because I was struggling alone and trying to "tough it out" when I could have had help if I had just reached out for it.

-Vijay

[forestrymom]

Thank you all so much for being supportive!! I really fee like I'm hitting rock bottom, so your comments are encouraging!!!

I feel like I've tried everything sleep related--pacifier, tummy sleeping, sleeping in a swing, in a carrier, in a crib, in a bouncy seat, in my bed, with my clothes, with a lovey...I get the same results. I cut out dairy early on...need to try that again.

Dd does not entertain herself well at all. She makes a huge mess with playdough and prefers to eat it. She makes amess with paints. She woudln't entertain herself with it anyway. She wants me there all the time. I've been using Max and Ruby to get him to sleep--that's teh only thing that she will watch (and that's fine with me, I don't want her to be a tvaholic) and the only thing that will keep her occupied. But it works for now. I feel really bad for her because she doesn't ever get just me.

I just desperately want him to sleep without sucking. Dd was the same way, btw. She never took long naps, always wanted to suck, and slept poorly at night. That's part of the reason I feel so down on myself--because what are the odds that 2 babies have the same sleep problems? That's why i feel like it was/is my fault. They are 2 very different babies and go to sleep very differently, so its not my method, but maybe its something else I am doing? Not doing?

[forestrymom]

I also wanted to add that I feel like my dd has had to give and give since the baby was born. As a result, she is acting out. And since I often can't find anything to occupy her, I put her in her room with some toys, tell her its naptime and if she can't nap then to play quietly--and of course sometimes she cries and then wakes up the baby and I am upset. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm either not giving him a chance to sleep or asking to much of her--and that doesn't even begin to address the way I feel about myself and the lack of "me" time.

[MamaEli]

I just wanted to chime in with a s: and let you know you really are a Mighty Mom. (from your siggy.) If you're in the land of cold and snow, is there any way you can get the kids outside, even for a little bit? I think fresh air and sunshine can make a big difference. Even when it's :
I'm so sorry the paci, carriers, tummy, etc aren't working--yet. But maybe one day they will! So don't give up.
As for how to get your DS to not have to suck all the time--no advise, really. Maybe just keep trying different kinds of pacis? (My kids never took pacis, by the way, so I don't know what that is worth.)
I just really want to give you some support, and let you know that This Too Shall Pass. s:

[forestrymom]

Yes, it does. And I don't want to wish the time away, because he is absolutely precious, and so is my dd. I want to fix/work around the problem (the problem really being my inability to deal with my rage and his sleep pattern).

Originally Posted by Mom4tot

I remember that time as being one of the hardest times when my children were very young. They can change so fast, but that is one stretch of time that feels like it will last forever.

[MCR]

Mine is probably not a popular answer but when I've had a fussy baby that just won't let me put down, I have swaddled them up tight in a recieving blaket nd put them into the swing. It makes them mad for a minute then they conk right out. It at least gives you time to see to another child that needs some mommy time and get to the bathroom or shower alone.
Sorry you are feeling so miserable about it all. I hoping it gets better very quickly (hug)

[jeteaa]

i was exactly where you are now 1 yr ago. 1: it does get better. 2: if your kids are high needs, they would still be even if you did not ap. 3: its ok, YES its ok to not 100% ap to make ALL your lives more easy. let dd1 watch tv, an lock the bedroom door while you get babe down for nap.