14 1/2 year old having sex....

[hipumpkins]

My niece jsut told my sister that she had sex her boyfriend. She is just 14 1/2 and that feels terribly young.
My sister is bringing her to the doctor for birth control and information but do you guys have ideas of ways she can handle this?
My sister is devastated. she feels like if her DD were 16 that would be easier but 14 is soo young.
My niece does have some emotional problems as she was both physically and emotionally abused by her father who had custody of her until my sister finally won and got her back about year ago.
Are there any books that can help both my sister and my niece?


My sister did not yell or ground her or anything punitive but my sister did start to cry.

[floridafreespirit]

As hard as that is to hear, I think it is a very good sign that your neice felt comfortable going to her mom about it.

Most kids that age are very secretive, even when (maybe esp. when??) it's about something that could be harmful to them.
Good luck...

[dkapdblack]

to your sister!
I was 14 when I started having sex, and I think that 14 was waaaay to young for myself. In my case, I felt really rejected by my father and spent many years acting out my problems with men.
I think it's great that your niece feels that comfortable with her mom. I would suggest that your sister try to talk with your niece about her dad and how she feels about him. I wish someone had done that with me when I was that age. I don't know of any books; heck, if anyone has any suggestions, I'll read them too!
Many to your family!

[angelpie545]

I would really encourage your sister to support her in any way that she can, and make sure that your niece knows she can say no, and that she has the RIGHT to. Sometimes girls who were abused may even unconsciously replace sex with love, to feel needed. This is not to say that your niece is doing this, but if I would be very careful if I were your sister. What your niece may need is some therapy to deal with those issues if she has not yet. I agree very much with the previous posters that it is very good that she has come to her mother-than shows an incredible amount of trust on her part.

[cjanelles]

I was 14 when I lost my virginity.

I think there are countless studies that show young women who have no relationship with their fathers or bad relationships with their fathers are more likely to engage in sexual activity at a younger age than their peers who have healthy, active relationships with their fathers.

That said, it doesn't make it easier for mom to deal with, nor does it mean it's necessarily a good idea, especially when you figure that in a lot of cases, these young girls are seeking the love and acceptance they didn't receive from their dads.

Has the girl ever received therapy for the abuse she suffered? If she hasn't, then I would strongly recommend her mom make her an appointment with a good counselor who specializes in teens. Also, while you can't keep a kid from having sex if they are going to do it, parents can be more involved in their kids lives beyond checking up on homework and cooking dinner and making sure they're in bed at night. Maybe this Mom needs to get together with her daughter and find an activity they can do together, or a volunteerism type thing...at a shelter or something like that.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

Are there any books that can help both my sister and my niece?

My sister did not yell or ground her or anything punitive but my sister did start to cry.

I think it is great that your sister didn't yell or ground her daughter. She should be really proud that her daughter was able to come to her and discuss this. Not all parents are so lucky.

My daughter visits a web site called Scarlet Teen. The address is: http://www.scarleteen.com/

They seem to have a lot of good information for young girls. They also have a pretty active message board. The founder of Scarlet Teen wrote a book. My daughter seems to like it.

You can find her book here:
http://amazon.decenturl.com/s-e-x-al...ow-progressive

[UnschoolnMa]

It's so great that she could tell her mom and that she was not punished. I couldn't tell my mom and I did get punished when she found out (though she later apologized and admitted it was stupid to ground me.)... it did not help our relationship or prevent me from having sex. I was 13.

Education, safety, and good communication are key.

[barbara73069]

[QUOTE=ArielMomma;10753281]
My daughter visits a web site called Scarlet Teen. The address is: http://www.scarleteen.com/

Ariel is right, Scarlateen is a great website for kids and adults. Another great resource for parents is:
http://karenrayne.com/

Good luck, Barb

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by barbara73069

Originally Posted by ArielMomma

My daughter visits a web site called Scarlet Teen. The address is: http://www.scarleteen.com/

Ariel is right, Scarlateen is a great website for kids and adults. Another great resource for parents is:
http://karenrayne.com/

Good luck, Barb

Barb is right, Dr. Karen Rayne's blog is a great website for parents.

[PoppyMama]

I was 14 when I started having sex and it was because I wanted to have sex not because I was trying to self-medicate. Talking respectfully (not preachy or condescending) with her dd about mutual respect and what she is wanting out of her sexuality is a great idea.

[lachingona1]

I was also 13 and never told my mom, when she found out I was grounded and not spoken to much at all for weeks.

Good for her for telling her mom!

[curvyred]

I don't post here often, but I promise I'm not a troll. I agree with everyone who said it's great she could go to her mom, HOWEVER, there's a pretty significant side of this that should probably be discussed. You didn't mention what state she's in, but in most states, her sexual partner could go to jail on FELONY charges and have to be a registered sex offender for having sex with someone under-age.

Obviously, I don't know what state she's in, the age of her sexual partner, or anything specific. But odds are that he could end up in serious trouble. Is that the only or even primary concern at this point? No. But that's something that should probably be discussed right along with birth control and STD prevention and self-awareness and being in control of her choices and mental and emotional support. That has the potential to be a huge mental and emotional load for her to carry if somebody she honestly cared for ended up in jail over a mutual decision.

I have a family member currently in prison for having consensual sex with a girl three years older than this girl, but it was illegal in the state where he resides and now he is going to spend the rest of his life paying for that decision.

I hope your neice can continue to find support and open conversation.

[veganf]

I was 13 when I started having sex...I really don't think it's necessarily a problem. Just give her safe sex info and talk about the possible consequences and be there if she needs to talk. Honestly, I've never regretted it, the sex was great, I was in the same relationship for 3 years. If it were one of my kids I would really try to remember how I felt at that age and know that it's often not that big a deal.

And while I wasn't very close to my mother and would never talk to her about it, I had no "issues" with either of my parents. But if she's talking about it, it sounds like she's on the right track.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by curvyred

I don't post here often, but I promise I'm not a troll. I agree with everyone who said it's great she could go to her mom, HOWEVER, there's a pretty significant side of this that should probably be discussed. You didn't mention what state she's in, but in most states, her sexual partner could go to jail on FELONY charges and have to be a registered sex offender for having sex with someone under-age.

Obviously, I don't know what state she's in, the age of her sexual partner, or anything specific. But odds are that he could end up in serious trouble. Is that the only or even primary concern at this point? No. But that's something that should probably be discussed right along with birth control and STD prevention and self-awareness and being in control of her choices and mental and emotional support. That has the potential to be a huge mental and emotional load for her to carry if somebody she honestly cared for ended up in jail over a mutual decision.

I have a family member currently in prison for having consensual sex with a girl three years older than this girl, but it was illegal in the state where he resides and now he is going to spend the rest of his life paying for that decision.

I hope your neice can continue to find support and open conversation.

This is a good point and something to look into. In some places the parent of the younger partner would have to press charges but not in all areas. I certainly dated people who could (legally) have be prosecuted for having sex with me but in my area it was unheard of for statutory rape to be prosecuted. I am personally think it should be taken off the books as it is pointless and cruel persecution.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by floridafreespirit

As hard as that is to hear, I think it is a very good sign that your neice felt comfortable going to her mom about it.

I agree. I had sex when I was 15 and I had been with that boyfriend since I was 14. It was tough for me back then. I had no real relationship with my mom or dad and I clung to that boyfriend. I regret having sex so early on and wish I would have had someone to talk to back then so I would have stopped and moved on with my education and had a real life. Having sex isn't a bad thing to do and kids need to know that but it shouldn't get in the way of furthering their education and moving on in life. I got hung up on the sex and being with my boyfriend and being cool and ended up quitting school. I did at least seek out birth control by myself and back then it was available to underage children in clinics. Thankfully this young girl has someone to talk to. That's great!

[MarineWife]

I think one of the most important things is for her mom to talk to her about relationships and emotions rather than just the mechanics of sex. I was 14 or 15 when I told my mom I was having sex and she took me to get birth control pills. I do appreciate that I was able to tell her about it and that she helped me the way that she did. I do wish, though, that she had talked to me about all the emotional aspects of relationships in general and of having sex. No one talked to me about any of that and I got hurt a lot.

[hipumpkins]

The bf is the same age. No charges will pressed. while emotionally my sister would LOVE to see him in BIg trouble she knows in her head that that isn't really the right thing to do even if she could.

My sister is doing better. The doctor was very helpful and my sister and BIL also talked to the boyfreind.

My niece was in therapy when she first came to live with my sister and will return shortly but wanted a break.


Thank you everyone for such supportive advice. I also forwarded that website to her.

[Mama Dragon]

I was 13 and got pg at 15....the most important thing I think is for your sister to keep the dialog open and be very serious but casual about discussing birth and STD control.

[Julz6871]

Abuse is certainly a factor in promiscuous kids (male and female) as well as prostitution. Look at the statistics. I had a 16 year old tell me she has had sex with men and women because it makes her feel loved.......then she feels like absolute crap so she immediately seeks out someone else.....repeat. That is certainly not healthy for anyone involved. This is all too common. I think therapy should certainly be utilized. A lot also comes from low self esteem (again boys and girls). I only think teen sex is okay when abuse, low self esteem, and self medicating behavior has all been ruled out. There are kids who are emotionally mature and in loving relationships and natural for a well adjusted human. Abuse is just all too common these days and many of those victims are labeled sluts and sexual predators as a result.

I hope your niece gets the help she needs and learns she is worth respecting.