Just because I income qualify for free preschool....

[sg784]

Doesnt mean Im an uneducated unfit idiot of a mom. Having DD in a income based preschool is downright degrading and ive had enough.

Im not bringing her back. I havent been able to put it into words and when I tried to it came out all wrong and they made me feel like an ass.

The last straw was last tuesday when I went to pick her up. There was a paper in her folder that started off by saying.....
"your child had a dietary/nutritional assesment today and we have the following concern about him/her"

Then the box for "overweight/obese" was checked off.

next to it was written---96% for height, 94% for weight. Diet looks ok.

Signed and dated with the day befores date. (she wasnt in school the day of the date)

The conversation with the teacher went like this,
"what is this and when was it done?"
"Oh, the nutritionist did those yesterday"
"um, she wasnt here yesterday."
"yeah, she just looks at the chart and looks at the height and weight of the child and the dietary sheet you filled out when you enrolled her, she doenst have to see her to do the assessment"
(I filled out a "survey" at enrollment that asked about what kind of foods dd likes and dislikes....I wrote all the good foods she likes, So if I wrote big macs and mac and cheese, the nutritionist would have said her diet looked bad?)

Ok, So i shook my head and left upset, but more and more upset the more I thought about it. First of all, my daughter is not overwieght. shes not fat, obese, none of the above. Does this look like a "obese" 4 yr old to you? How about this?
???
I understand SOME parents might not know that feeding a kid bigmacs everyday is not healthy, some parents might not know that their cute chunky kid is actually getting really overweight and it is serious. But Im not one of them! and My DD is NOT OVERWEIGHT! and being in the 96 % is a bad thing?

Another way they overstep and degrade..... One day I had dropped dd off and her hair was done in 2 very neat french braids. all the little flyaways were perfectly tucked in and she looked great. Whenever I do her hair like that it stays in really really well. I pick her up and her hair is a mess. I mean, theres no way anyone could get her hair that messy unless they were TRYING. So I ask her when we get to the car, "Why is your hair coming out everywhere?" and DD answers "Miss Denise did head checks today". Come to find out, this teacher "checks" the kids for lice once a week. You know, I understand some parents might need to be told but I DONT! My kid gets bathed on a regular basis, i think I will notice if she has lice! DONT TOUCH HER! Youre OVERSTEPPING!

They overstep constantly and it really bugs me. They talk down to me like im an unfit mother and I need their guidance. If shes not in school one day I will get asked "Hows MY little Antonia? I missed MY Toni yesterday, is everything alright, mom?" EXCUSE ME? Shes not YOURS. Shes MY DAUGHTER. and IM NOT YOUR MOM! BACK OFF LADY! mind your business!

God, this is really long, but I just dont know what to say or how to say it. When Im upset my mouth just freezes up and Im only good at swearing. :

So I havenet brought her in for just over a week now and I got a phone call from the "family advocate" (lady who did the enrollment) "Hi, its sheila, just wanted to talk to you and make sure everythings ok, We are required to keep attendance and we havent seen Toni in a while and wanted to make sure everything is ok, please call me as soon as possible"

So I called and "Sheila" wasnt there. I asked to leave a message and told the lady on the phone that Im not working anymore and Ive been keeping Toni home and its working out really well, so she wont be back etc Maybe when fall comes ill be able to get her into the reg preschool with our town.

The lady goes on about how, Im hurting my child emotionally by keeping her home, she needs the socialization skills for when she goes to kidnergarten,
and just because I feel guilty about being home now isnt a good enough reason to cause such detriment to my child. Bla bla bla. I wanted to reach through the phone line and strangle her. I wanted to swear at her and tell her just because We're poor doesnt mean Im an idiot! your program SUCKS! But instead I just let her blather on and I said Id think about it, goodbye.

If youve stuck with me this long, thank you, I know Im blathering on but this is really bugging me and I dont know how to tell these people off professionally without loosing my cool. They just have this way of making me feel so little and I feel like a tiny ant looking up at a boy with a magnifying glass with my hands on my hips screaming "Im not just an insignificant ant you know, im smart too! I know how to raise my kids! I know how to be a mom!"

Ugh.....any advice?

[Heffernhyphen]

How does your child feel about the school? Is she happy there? Does she feel like they are taking care of her, or picking on her?

Is there any way you could step back from the anger for a minute and TRY to not take it so personally. I know it's your kid and how could it be anything BUT personal, but it sounds to me like they're just following protocol.

I looked at the pictures of your beautiful girl and obviously she isn't anywhere near obese; disregard the note. If she doesn't ever catch headlice, wonderful! But it sounds as if they are treating all the kids equally, the ones with good parents as well as the ones not so lucky. How could they do any differently? John, were're gonna check you now, but Lucy, you look like you come from a clean house so you're probably okay. Head lice can take up residence in any head, and is so easily spread in a school setting . . . computer headsets, dress up clothes, even just playing together or napping near each other. If they find lice in the room, you'll be glad to know about it sooner rather than later.

I'm not being critical of your reaction, just hoping to help you see that they aren't picking on you or your child. They really probably are very well intentioned.

If they haven't done anything blatantly harmful to her, I'd take her back. Pre-school really is beneficial to a kid's academic success. If she's happy there, that's what matters most. But that's a big if.

[sg784]

I know they arent picking on her, or singling her out, they do it to all of them(we're ALL low income) but it just bugs me. I feel like there are things that are my responsibility and they are trying to take over if that makes sense. There are a lot of things that they do that the regular preschool in town doesnt. They try to blame it on the fact that they are "state funded". And I really dont like they way they talk to me. At first I blew it off like, ok, they talk to 3 yr olds all day, thats why they are talking to me like this, but no, its definetly a patronizing power thing. And it makes my skin crawl.

DD doesnt like school. She used to even look forward to going but the last month or so she will make comments like "I hate school" "I never want to go there again" Or id pick her up and ask how her day was and shed say "terrible" but not explain, just that she didnt want to go back. i dont know, she behaves much better at home now that she hasnt been going, and she doesnt dread going all morning now that she knows she doesnt have to.

I stopped getting WIC for the same reasons. I felt like you had to be degraded just to get the checks. It wasnt worth it anymore. I had to sit through a "class" to get the checks and the classes were all about, "Dont give juice in a bottle, it causes baby bottle mouth", "Dont switch formulas without talking to your ped", The importance of "well baby visits" (all things that didnt apply to me anyhow!) and the way they talk to you.....they talk down to you like youre incompetent. I dont know how to explain it.

[Mom4tot]

I'm so sorry that happened to you

[Blueena]

I don't like the assumption that because you are "low income" that it automatically means your children may have lice, I mean my son goes to a very expensive country day school and they don't check for lice. Also, you cant just read a chart and make a judgement on obesity, that again goes to the fact that I think they are assuming that because you are low income that means low education, low priority to eat fresh food, etc.

I also agree, that you have to step away from the anger, and know that these individuals have probably seen some scary stuff, kids not being taken care of etc and they are doing what they can to protect the kids. Your child doesn't need it, but others may need that extra attention and phone calls, etc.

I would just chalk it up to a bad fit and spend some wonderful time with your adorable daughter over the next few months and find a place where you both feel comfortable.

[Lingmom]

I'm sorry you feel that way! We've done WIC and medi-cal and the low-income preschool scene and I know what you're talking about. But I agree with the previous poster in that social services can be a really good thing for people who do not have the knowledge and resources that you have. Actually, I think some of my experiences were really good for me too. I have newfound sympathy for the woman with the babies who is holding up the supermarket line with her WIC checks or food stamps, because I've been there before too. And I've enjoyed chatting with the teenaged moms at required preschool meetings and getting a chance to meet people from outside of my own circle. I even kind of liked those WIC meetings... I thought it was cool how pro-breastfeeding WIC was and how genuinely supportive they were. So for me, these were good experiences. They got us through financially rough times and they opened up my eyes to the experiences (sometimes good, sometimes humiliating) that many other women have.

But... all that said, if you don't like the preschool... if your daughter isn't thriving there... if you have a sense in the pit of your stomach that you're making compromises that you regret... then you should absolutely find a new school.

[adtake]

So sorry you are having a hard time with her perschool.

Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen

If she doesn't ever catch headlice, wonderful! But it sounds as if they are treating all the kids equally, the ones with good parents as well as the ones not so lucky. How could they do any differently? John, were're gonna check you now, but Lucy, you look like you come from a clean house so you're probably okay. Head lice can take up residence in any head, and is so easily spread in a school setting . . . computer headsets, dress up clothes, even just playing together or napping near each other. If they find lice in the room, you'll be glad to know about it sooner rather than later.

I agree with this..my kids go to public school and they do head checks about once a month. Our school nurse even made the comment that she nevers finds lice on kids with dirty hair, that they can't stick in. But nice clear hair is easy to attach too. The little buggers are persistant and spread fast, so it is something they have to keep on top of.

I hope you find a good solution for you and your daughter. BTW she is beautiful! and looks oh so healthy, not obese at all! Has a glow about her!

[Krystal323]

{{{hugs}}}

i know the feeling--it makes me so angry that they assume your income level directly correlates to your *intelligence*.

no advice, just

[Lisa85]

Um, it doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary. If they don't do health assessments, check for lice, etc then they won't find the bad parents and be able to educate them. Everything you described went on in my (upper middle class) elementary school. Statistically lower income kids are at higher risks for certain things - the families generally don't have 4 year degrees or even degrees at all, they don't have the money to always buy fresh fruits and veggies, they don't have the $ for well baby visits where a dr. would be able to physically see that a child is or isn't obese, and they don't always have access to the internet for information on these issues. They probably work long hours, 2 jobs, etc and getting to the library before it closes is hard. Lice checks are a part (or should be) a part of any school. Also, former hair stylist here, lice don't like dirty hair, they like clean hair.

It sounds to me like you just aren't ready to let go yet of some of these things - and that's ok! But I wouldn't be so quick to bash the school about it.

[BCFD]

I have 3 children ages 3, 2, and 1. We adopted them through the foster care system (not all at once) and because of that they qualify for a lot - WIC, Medi-cal, Headstart, etc. Luckily, they are all incredibly healthy with no special needs. I can totally relate to where you are coming from!! We own our home (a cute one in the burbs), I am a SAHM, and my partner has a masters degree from NYU and makes a dang good salary that supports all of us. Luckily, we have also had a fairly good experience with WIC and Headstart, but their paperwork and red tape is pure insanity! I get so irritated with their assessments (headstart does them weekly) and paperwork that I could scream. I've actually had the "wink wink nod nod we know that you aren't our typical client", but we still have to go through it all just like everybody else. We do it because we have gotten a lot out of the program and have met some fantastic people (teachers and other families).

We have only been involved in home based early Headstart, but when my 3 year old turned 3 we tried the classroom based Headstart and it was absolutely horrible. It wasn't the program, but the teacher was so non-engaging that it was a joke. She was completely unorganized and not friendly and I just couldn't see my daughter in that atmosphere. The security was scary (there was ZERO) and it was on the campus of a high school in a very under privileged area. It did have a positive side - it was basically a spanish immersion class and they were served really healthy hot meals every day. The materials and classroom looked fantastic. I just couldn't get over the lack of security and the teacher's attitude, so we pulled her and just recently enrolled her into a private Montessori school.

I guess I don't have much advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I can completely understand where you are coming from. Hang in there.

[Flor]

I had some of those experiences with ds's first ped. He is the doc for my insurance but also for state services. I look younger than I am, and he is never asked, but he also treated me like I was a dumb ass. I'm a freakin' teacher. I went to grad school, but he never asked.

If you decide to keep her out, and they call again, tell them you are unhappy with their program and be specific.

The head lice thing sounds normal to me. I've worked at schools, Boys and Girls Clubs and YMCAs and we had to do checks monthly, but more often when there was an outbreak in the classroom. The lice really don't care how clean your hair is-- even my boss caught it once.

[angelpie545]

The reasons the OP cited are exactly the reasons why I have chose to keep my daughters out of those programs, even though we qualify income-wise. It do not believe it is EVER the school's job to conduct health screenings and get involved into family life as heavily as they are in the Head Start situation. The whole program is demeaning to families unless you NEED those kind of services. Thus, unless you need the services badly, I'd do yourself a favor and stay out of those programs. The people running those programs are so used to dealing with parents who are under-educated and naive that they rarely recognize one that isn't. If the lady calls back, I'd firmly state that this is my child and my decision, and I feel that keeping her home is best right now, and I would add that the program seems punitive and you weren't satisfied.

[Audra]

The beauty of our government schools at work....What has happened to common sense?!

I'm so sorry you have had this experience. Your daughter is beautiful by the way!

[cinnamongrrl]

Been there, done that. I wouldn't take it personally. They are being this way because, unfortunately, there are undoubtedly parents at the school who don't know enough to check for lice, who feed their children poorly, whose kids would never leave the house if it weren't for the government sponsored preschool. Their comments are not directed at you personally. They are assuming that because you are low income, you may not be educated, but so what? That is what you are going to encounter if you use programs such as these. If your dd likes the preschool, I would suck it up and let it roll off my back for my kid's sake.

Do you look down on the other parents at the school because they may not have the money/knowledge to check for lice or follow a balanced diet? Do you think their children are dirty and therefore are the only ones who could catch lice? Not so! If you feel better than the other parents, then you probably shouldn't take your dd there, because your attitude is probably showing and it will only hurt the other parents and children's feelings if you act like that. I'm sure for many parents and children, this preschool is a godsend that helps them immensely.

And if your dd continues on to public school, she will get lice checks, weight assessments, and the whole nine yards there, too. And some of the teachers will get attached to your dd too, and miss her when she is not there. One of my child's teachers actually called her at home the day of dd's tonsil surgery to wish her luck and tell her that she was thinking of her. What's wrong with that? I was touched by how caring it was.

[UUMom]

Some of that sound stotally annoying, but just for the record...One of my kids goes to a $$$ New England private school, and they do constant head checks for lice. Every other month or so someone has lice and we get a memo sent home that the school nurse will be doubling up on the head checks. Lice knows no income and they love clean hair, ftr.

[Twinklefae]

I'm sitting here mind boggled by all the people who are okay with someone checking their child's head for lice. Not because I feel it's overstepping boudaries, just because IT'S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET LICE!

If I checked Kid A's head and they had lice, and if I'm not INCREDIBLY careful about my sleeves, hands, the whole bit, than it's sooooo easy for a louse to jump onto your kid's clean head. Seriously.

When I was a preschool teacher, I wasn't allowed to randomly check heads. Only if I had a suspicion. (We only had one case in a year. And she brought it back from vacation.)

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by Twinklefae

I'm sitting here mind boggled by all the people who are okay with someone checking their child's head for lice. Not because I feel it's overstepping boudaries, just because IT'S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET LICE!

If I checked Kid A's head and they had lice, and if I'm not INCREDIBLY careful about my sleeves, hands, the whole bit, than it's sooooo easy for a louse to jump onto your kid's clean head. Seriously.

When I was a preschool teacher, I wasn't allowed to randomly check heads. Only if I had a suspicion. (We only had one case in a year. And she brought it back from vacation.)

Lice can't jump, so no, it doesn't spread THAT easily. And um, if you don't check for it, you won't find it. If you don't find it, it will spread. So we could 1.) Not check for lice which will mean it will undoubtedly spread. Or we could 2.) Check for lice and if we find it, take all the necessary precautions to ensure that it doesn't spread. Throwing clothes in a hot dryer, washing up really well, throwing away the comb that was used. Of course it's always possible that it will get spread because people were looking for it and it transfered, etc. But then again, that just leaves us with option 1 so it will spread anyways.

[s_kristina]

We would qualify for income based preschool, but I've never thought it was worth it. I did have my dd in pre-k last summer that is free to everyone in the state, but not at all income based. She is now in public school and a lot of it sounds totally normal to me. I haven't heard of any head checks going on, but I wouldn't be surprised or upset by them. I know we had them at times when I was in school. We did have a call from the counsellor at dd's school earlier in the year asking how she was and if anything was wrong after dd missed school. That was after missing close to 2 weeks out of a month though. I actually liked that call as it told me that many of the children in the school had been having the same symptoms dd was having. That was really nice to know the next day when I had her in the ped's office mainly for a note to excuse all the absences and the on call NP we saw wanted to put her on antibiotics : That was enough to remind me why we see who see at that office.

[sg784]

Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl

Do you look down on the other parents at the school because they may not have the money/knowledge to check for lice or follow a balanced diet? No I dont, i just dont like everybody being placed in the bad/uneducated parent bowl. Do you think their children are dirty and therefore are the only ones who could catch lice?Not at all. I know anyone can get it, but I feel its MY responsibility to check her. not her teachers. Not so! If you feel better than the other parents, then you probably shouldn't take your dd there, because your attitude is probably showing and it will only hurt the other parents and children's feelings if you act like that. I'm sure for many parents and children, this preschool is a godsend that helps them immensely. I agree its a godsend for many of them. Maybe it is the only healthy meal some of these kids get every day. Maybe its the only time these kids get somebody to pay attention to them. Its great that these programs exist. I just dont like the way everyone, not just myself is treated. Like we're idiotic scum.

And if your dd continues on to public school, she will get lice checks, weight assessments, and the whole nine yards there, too.really? Is this new? Because I was in public school from 1989 to 2000 and never was subjected to any of that. It was the parents/doctors responsibility. And some of the teachers will get attached to your dd too, and miss her when she is not there. One of my child's teachers actually called her at home the day of dd's tonsil surgery to wish her luck and tell her that she was thinking of her. What's wrong with that? I was touched by how caring it was. To me thats different. How do I explain this....the way this teacher makes me feel....i can only relate it to being called hun, or sweetie by a nurse or health care professional. Its not professional, its drilled in their heads through school NOT to do it. Dont call DD "my Toni" Shes not "yours" in anyway shape or form

Originally Posted by angelpie545

The people running those programs are so used to dealing with parents who are under-educated and naive that they rarely recognize one that isn't.

Exactly.

[Belleweather]

Um. I know this is off track, but wouldn't obesity only be a cause for concern if you daughter was in, like... the 25th percentile for height and the 96% for weight? If your child is both tall and heavy doesn't that just argue that she's proportional?