I gave myself a black eye, that's how bad it got!

[JessicaSpalding]

I will try to be breif, but this may end up being long because it's complicated. I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's hypothyroidism 4 months ago, as well as PPD and regular old depression from the hypothyroidism. My TSH was finally down to .6 which is normal and I felt great a few months ago. Then my doctor reduced the meds. and my TSH went back up to 2.7, which is nearly hypo again.

One thing to know about thyroid issues is that if your TSH numbers aren't normal, the SSRIs won't be as effective. I think that's what happened to me. I just kept getting worse and worse, and my DD who is 11 months old has begun waking up every 2 hours for the last 3 months. So I am really sleep deprived in addition to feeling depressed.

She is a great, wonderful, amazingly happy baby. And she is happy just about ALL the time. However, it is maddening getting her to go to sleep. She can stay up for hours and hours and not get cranky. She was staying up till 6pm, then crashing and sleeping too late, then not going to sleep till 11pm, then sleeping till 10am. I know one way to correct this is to just get up early and get her up, but if you are hypthyroid and sleep-deprived, forget it. So every nap is a battle. I can't seem to tell when she is tired. Even when I can tell, she can really fight sleep well. And bedtime is much much worse. One of two patterns: I either breastfeed her continully for 2 or 3 hours till I fall asleep, or she sometimes falls asleep for an hour and a half, then gets up and wants to play and I have to start all over again. I have no life, she also will not sleep on her own, flat, on anything - crib or bed. When I put her down she snaps awake 95% of the time. I don't even try anymore, with getting her to sleep at all being SO damn difficult. It literally takes 3 to 5 hours EVERY night to get her to sleep. That's AFTER the bath. And now that she has teeth she wants to "comfort" suck while sleeping which just drives me insane.

I was in the middle of one of these battles where she refused to sleep and I was so angry, mostly at myself, that I put her in her crib and just beat my own face with a book. I can't believe that this happened to me now, and I barely know why. I am posting this because I feel like I need to talk about it, but I want others to know how awful this can get. And what dumbfounds me is that I had agreed to go on SSRIs whatever it took so that I could be a good mother and not "lose it".

And if anyone has had similar sleep issues, I sure could use the advice. The problem with just ignoring her and letting her play or whatever is that then I have no schedule, no routine, and I can't just let her play till midnight. I need to sleep. What do you all do? If I put her in the crib, she screams and cries.

Thanks for listening.

Jessica

[weetzie]

I dont have any answers for you and I am sure that the women here will. I just wanted to offer a !

[PM]

I just wanted you to know that I did that to myself once too. And I had nowhere near the number of reasons you had for doing it! I did it with my own fist. It took a while. Pretty sad, huh? Just move on is my advice.

[pamamidwife]

Just wanted to give you a {{hug}} for all you're going through. I know the women here will have some advice for you!

[Jish]

My depression was spurred by my horrid sleep deprivation. It started when my ds2 was about a year old and I hadn't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night (not in a row, mind you) in a year and a half. Sleep deprivation is simply wicked. If you get a chance, pick up the book "healthy sleep habits, happy child" by Dr. Marc Weisbluth. It's a pretty good book, though it has a bit of crying in it, but it does a great job of explaining the physiology of sleep. I learned a lot from reading it. Make sure you start at the beginning though, not at your childs age. You might also want to post this on the Nightwaking board.

As far as the depression goes, I hope you can get your thyroid back under control so you can get back on track. Not that this will make you feel any better, but my ds2 was, is, and I fear always will be a horrid sleeper. I am simply at a loss and do what works to keep me sane. My mother thinks it is awful that my nearly three year old is now sleeping on the floor of my room, but it keeps him from coming in to my room and waking me seven times a night. She can judge all she wants, but she doesn't have two young kids while being pregnant, so she has no room to talk or judge.

Go to the nightwaking forum and questions the ladies there. Hopefully someone will be able to give you some suggestions for getting some sleep.

[dottisj]

no black eyes, just hair pulling

I am just about to cry reading this thread. I have nowhere near the problems you have, either, and I feel for you so strongly. I am struggling with PPD, too. Part of the problem is that we lost our insurance temporarily. New insurance will kick in soon, but this gap has meant that I have not been able to fill my script for anti-depressant. I cannot believe the difference in my behavior since I've gotten off of it. The other night I tore several really huge hunks of hair right out of my head. It was a desperate attempt to exert all the anger I was feeling without anyone else in the house knowing about it. I feel so ashamed when I behave this way. I know that I have no reason to feel shame about my condition, but I just can't help it, and it makes "the morning after" so horrible. I have these "morning after" moments when I do something crazy like that, then I wake in the clear light of day, feeling more rested and more sane and I just can't face the way I behaved before. My DD is much like yours, a charming, happy, wonderful child who just doesn't go to sleep very well. She takes naps great with her dad, who cares for her during the day, but at night when I try to put her to bed, it usually takes about 3 hours to finally get her out. And unfortunately, these are the hours when I am most susceptible to the PPD bc I am tired, too. I think I just needed to hear some words of support and to commisserate with others suffering the same issues.

[EllasMama]

I, too, have a sleep-fighter. She is now 2.5 and it isn't *too* horrible most nights anymore, but naps are still a huge battle (she can't go without one or falls over at around 5pm, but isn't quite ready for one at a reasonable hour, either, so we're caught between 2 worlds, sorta).

Anyway, one thing that might be making your baby wake is how many new things she is learning. Like pulling up, walking, etc. My daughter has never been a "good" sleeper so anything like teething or learning new skills made her wake incessantly.

Depending on your baby's personality, one thing that helped a little with my daughter was to give her lots of stimulation earlier in the day. Some kids react the opposite way if they are sensory sensitive, but with my DD it made (still makes) her happy to have big things going on. The louder and busier the better (like the Children's Museum).

There is a book called "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Eliz. Pantley. You can find tons about it on the MDC Nightwaking/Family bed board. I will say this: it didn't solve all our problems. If you have a truly sleep-fighting child, nothing will. BUT, it helped. It gave me ideas for setting a bedtime routine, etc. As for sleeping through the night without waking a minimum of 2-3 times, the only thing that worked for us was gradual, total nightweaning. I hated to do it on one hand, but was to the hair-pulling stage on the other hand! Lack of sleep really does make me "crazed."

One thing I want to recommend that helped me a lot was to have my DH be in charge of putting DD to sleep some. Granted, we started it later, like when DD was 16 months I think, but it's soooo worth a shot if you have a DH, mother, or anyone who'll agree to do it. Then you get some time away from the exceedingly stressful situation. If the baby cries with your DH and you can't take it, go outside where you can't hear or better yet, go to Starbucks or somewhere for a half hour. I don't mean to sound callous, but I don't view that as CIO. I view it as remaining sane as a mom, which is the most important gift you can give your baby. I also spent hours nursing my daughter to sleep and it just wasn't working for me, plus it seemed like she just used that time as "rest" and if anything she got her second wind and then was up after the long session. Not cool. When I quit nursing her to sleep and it was definitely not a "No-Cry Sleep Solution" - she was mad as hell for a few days, and not pleased for a couple of weeks, but my DH was thankfully there to agree to take the brunt of her anger and walked her to sleep.

In time, it WILL get easier. Something to look forward to, but it doesn't make a difference now, so work on what you can realistically do RIGHT NOW to get some relief from the situation. The most important step to succeed in making a change in your methods, I found, is to really commit to it yourself. If you feel wishy-washy it never works. When I finally decided without a doubt something like, "I WILL NOT walk my child to sleep anymore. She must learn to fall asleep lying down" - I found I really had the resolve to not give in no matter what. You will recognize when that moment of decision comes. Sometimes it takes a while, and that is okay. You shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with, but if you're really miserable you should search for something you are comfortable with and go for it. Sounds like things can't get much worse sleepwise, so anything is an improvement, right?

I don't really mean to joke about it. I know first hand that it's so hard to meet a child's needs all day looooonng and then be exhausted when you have to face the hugest challenge of the day with a sleep-fighter! Esp. when people whose kids willingly sleep always want to give you advice b/c they think THEY had something to do with their kid's sleep attitude. Grrr. It is really, really hard and you are not alone!!

BTW, there is a thread here you might enjoy:
http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...threadid=69014

Hang in there - Best of luck!!!

Carol

[JessicaSpalding]

thanks for the replies

Well, I feel like a totally different person just 4 or 5 days on a higher synthroid dose!

I want to thank you all for your concern and replies, it really helped. Thanks especially to Carol ( Ellasmama) for your long wonderful reply. That thread is great!!! These are the women that I have been looking for! I knew they were out there somewhere. I think the idea you had about having a super stimulating day is a really good one and it does make sense with her personality. She is really outgoing and social, and I don't recall I have ever seen her "overstimulated". I have actually seen her frighten 2 year olds because she gets so excited. We have been having Daddy rock her to sleep, but he can't put her down on the bed yet but we are hoping this will change.

thanks again, and good luck everyone on overcoming PPD - it's real and it's terrible.

Jessica

[QueeTheBean]

Originally posted by Jish
If you get a chance, pick up the book "healthy sleep habits, happy child" by Dr. Marc Weisbluth. It's a pretty good book, though it has a bit of crying in it, but it does a great job of explaining the physiology of sleep. I learned a lot from reading it. Make sure you start at the beginning though, not at your childs age.

I have to second this recommendation. I was out of my mind with lack of sleep and this was receommended to me by my midwife. Please try to check this out from the library--it could really help turn things around. It is NOT a cry it out method. The author came off as a little crass at points, but I really did think he had some good points.

DS is a great sleeper now.

Glad things are a little better for you, anyway.

BTDT.

[veganmamma]

Since my dd was born I haven't really hurt myself at all, but as a teen and a preteen, I was a self mutilator. I know the different feelings, the loss of control and desire to regain it. I also know the calculated side, but that's OT. When we are frustrated, angry, hurt, etc., and feel out of control, there is an overwhelming need to bring things back under control. This can lead, in the depressed person to agressive acts. Men tend to act outwardly, though not always, and women tend to act inwardly. When you hit yourself, or pull out your hair, or bang your head into a wall, or punch yourself, (I also dated a self beater for a long time) you are trying to not only regain that control, but to do it by quickly releasing energy, and also, taking the pain that is on the inside and manifesting it on the outside. It is too hard to deal with the pain and frustration on the inside so you put it on the outside where you know how to deal with it. Also, many women who do this to regain control are binging types while calculated self abuse is usually an anorexic or minimalist neat freak type.

Anyway, it is a way we try to control things when things seem out of control. Don't be too hard on yourself mama, if you had hit yourself with the book on the top of your head and left a bruise you couldn't see, you might not have psoted about it. I'm glad you did, this is another way you can get that energy out. I know the sense of loss of control, and it is even scarier when you have your sweet child there. I just want to offer my support and sympathy. Please pm or email me anytime if you need to talk.
Lauren

[Ravin]

I just want to smack myself upside the head right now! Until I read this thread, it didn't even occur to me to get my TSH levels tested! I know full well pregnancy and postpartum can make thyroid levels do the wacky, and the last time I had it checked was at about 34 wks of pregnancy, 10 weeks ago.

I may well need to up my synthroid dose (I've been hypo since puberty). It could so totally be contributing to how s***ty I've been feeling.

[GoodWillHunter]

You know, I thought I was the only person who would hit herself when truly stressed or frustrated. I don't want to take it out on the kids, so I did it to myself. My life is a lot better since I switched to Effexor XR. Much better. More even keel, less frustration....

[BunintheOven]

[twopeasinpod]

so glad to read your post

Thank you for posting this, I have no insurance, but I think I will also test for thyroid.

Crying as I write, I also take the self-flagellation route.
Most recently, frustration/sadness got to an all-time high, so I loudly exclaimed to DH I needed an escape, placed one baby quietly in his arms, and locked myself in the loo, seriously bonking the wall in frustration, giving myself a nice bruise on the temple and eyebrow.

My Depression after Delivery therapist says it is quite common with PPD, so I felt better, now reading this post assures me I am not alone.

I TOTALLY relate to your sleep issues, and wish I could help you, but I am no expert in that department.
I feel like I haven't slept since pregnancy....the twins now like to party, teethe on me, and marathon nurse til 2 am, then back up 3 hours or less later.

I wish for you a peaceful rest & sweet dreams with your dd



Maya