Mamas who had unexpected c-sections support thread...

[steph117]

...if anyone else who went through this is still on here; maybe not...but thought I'd post anyway - I wanted to touch base with others who'd get where I was coming from.

It seems like there a quite a few of us in this DDC who planned HB/natural births & ended up with C-sections. How are you coping?

It goes without saying that I'm beyond thrilled to have our little one here with us. She was my partner in this, and despite my laboring at home for 3 days and even reaching full dilation, for whatever reason, the surgery is what was needed to get her out safely. And oh my goodness I'm so happy she is here safely. I look at her and my heart melts.

But I'm still struggling with feelings of sadness and loss that I couldn't give her the gentle welcome into the world that I wanted, that I ended up in the hospital with major abdominal surgery, that the birth and first week were so very very different than what I'd imagined. And feeling a little inadequate.

And then I feel bad for feeling bad, because I know that in days gone our daughter might have been one of the little ones who wouldn't have made it, that this surgery gave her safe passage into the world when I wasn't getting her out. And that that is THE most important thing, her safe passage. We trust our midwife implicitly, and both she & our doula (and the hospital doc even) said that I'd done everything except push her out...I was working so hard, she just wasn't coming, and I gave in when I needed to. My grandmother was in labor with her first child for three days, and her daughter was stillborn with the cord wrapped around her neck. (My mom had 7-hour labors with me & my brother...I was kind of hoping for HER labor genes, oh well...)

And it's hard not to second-guess. "What if I'd just..." Our midwife said I'd be doing that, probably, and to try to not let those thoughts take over, that I'd tried so hard for such a long time...but they keep sneaking in. e.g. about 10 minutes before the surgery I started getting a much stronger urge to push than I'd been getting...and our midwife said, so push! But I didn't - I think I was feeling so bone-tired exhausted and overwhelmed by then that I just felt on some level, "I can't do this anymore..." like, what if I start trying and it still doesn't work...or if I start trying and it looks like something might be happening but they won't give me more time... and now I keep thinking, WHY DIDN'T I? What if that's all I needed, that extra adrenaline? (Even though I understand why.)

How are you all coping? I'm ok most of the time - being with our little wonder is very healing to be sure. But I've burst into sobs a few times about it in the past week (exacerbated by hormones I'm sure) & I just really wanted to post on MDC because even though friends are sympathetic, I kind of feel like the only people who can truly understand how this feels are those who've experienced something similar, or have a similar mindset about birth.

It's a healing journey, huh...

[LawrenceDoula]

I could have written this post! My experience was incredibly similar, although I was pushing right before the surgery, but the doc and nurses wouldn't let me push the baby out. (the hospital in my town has a no VBAC policy)

The first week I was okay because my Mom and Sister were here helping and I didn't think too much about it, but once they left I cried alot and had a few breakdowns.

I found that writing out the birth story and letting myself cry really helped. I also posted on my local ICAN list and the support I got there was wonderful. Let yourself cry. Don't feel guilty for being sad. You have every right to mourn the loss of your dream birth. The guilt only makes it harder to process everything. It took me atleast 6 months to process my first c-section because I didn't allow myself to be angry and sad. I tried to fight it off because everyone makes you feel like a bad mom for having those feelings. 'You should be grateful your baby is okay. That is the important thing." Of course that is important, but so are your feelings. They matter too.

I'm glad you started this thread. I need it too.

[Dea]

Steph I feel the same way!
I didn't labour for 3 days and had evil pitocin induced labour, but I did labour naturally and no one can take that from me, and I'm proud that I did. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm glad I tried. It does scare me though to know that she most likey wouldn't have lived through a vaginal birth. (her heart rate we decelerating to 50, I didn't know) I know I made the right choice. I'm so happy that she's here and healthy now. BUT I am tired of people telling me that it doesn't matter how she got here, she's here now and happy. I know that it doesn't matter, but I think I should be allowed to grieve not having the warm welcome to the world I'd imagined. I should be allowed to grieve the near loss of my baby, and then learning that my body nearly killed her. These are upsetting things and I need to deal with them, and yet common thinking is that I should just be happy and not deal with the other emotions I have (hormonal or not). Having a c-section when you're not expecting it is scary. Being told that your baby is dying is scary.
I am glad that she's healthy and here now, but I really wish that her welcome could have been different, and it's not wrong for me to think that.

Hmm clearly I have some issues.

[Jujubie]

I labored at home for about 20 hours, then went to the hospital. I was at the hospital almost 10 hours before the CS. I was dialating, but this child never entered my pelvis. She was at a -3 station the whole time. She couldn't fit! When the doctor suggested CS, I was ready for it. I was exhausted, I'd had an epidural for the last 3 hours, but it only worked on 1/2 my body. I was ready to be out of pain. The last 8 hours or so of labor, my contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, but lasting 1.5 to 2 minutes, so I wasn't getting any rest.

Although I really wanted a totally natural, drug free birth--my ultimate goal was to have a healthy baby and I have that. Although healing from the CS is taking a while, I think I have come to terms with it. I have my beautiful little girl and whatever needed to be done to get her here and healthy is alright with me now.

[cocoschmoco]

My little guy Andre tried to come out OP, via the top-most part of his head, and we didn't find out about it until I had tried pushing him out to no avail for 4 hours. I had a great labor until then - I went from 2 cm dilated to ready to push in about 8 hours, labored drug-free (even with wireless monitering almost the whole time), and everyone - including my doula and the midwife - thought he was ready to pop out until I just physically could not push anymore, and the OB and ultrasound machine were brought in, and it was discovered what the problem was.

At that point, I was SO tired and SO running on fumes (and crazed laboring woman hormones!) that the c-section was absolutely terrifying for me and DH - sooo much worse than anything that had happened previously. I had to take my steri-strips off myself at home last weekend, and that's when the fact that I had actually had a c-section hit me, and it made me sob as I was taking them off. I have to give DH credit, he told me how sorry he was about it, and it meant so much to me. What also meant a ton was right after the decision to have the c-section was made, my doula and midwife both assured me that it was okay (my midwife, who had a homebirth for her baby, told me that if she was in my situation, she would have done the same thing).

I remember feeling like I failed on some level, definitely (and talking to my mom - who birthed 5 of us vaginally - and can't stop talking about my c-section, certainly doesn't help). And I also feel like I need to explain to everyone that my c-section really *was* needed (though, doesn't every woman say that?). One of the positive things that's come from it is that I've heard about other women's OP baby stories (and some of those don't sound too fun when they ended with vaginal birth), and assurance that it's okay how it ended. I just really hate sounding like a stat - one of the too many American women who ended up with an incision, even though I know that my circumstances were different, and things just ended up the way they ended up. I did some second-guessing (I should have done more pelvic tilts! I should have had better posture! Why didn't anyone check the way Andre was turning in early labor?), but for the most part I've been at peace about it. The actual surgery itself, and the fact I have a scar (and need to decide in a few years whether to do VBAC or not, as my uterus was beat up when they did this one) is what bothers me the most.

Ack! So many feelings/thoughts/emotions to work through! I second checking out I-CAN's message boards. And not worry about feeling pissed about how things ended up, it doesn't make any of us less happy and overjoyed to be moms and have the wonderful babies we have...

[steph117]

Thanks, all, for sharing your experiences... it is nice to have verified that these feelings are normal & ok (which I knew - but...you know...).

Lawrencedoula - the bit about guilt making it harder to process everything is dead-on. I'll be nursing her & looking at her with adoration and thinking, "What is wrong with me? How can I allow myself to feel sad about any part of this when she's here and safe and I'm so happy to have her?" but I do think that makes it much harder to deal with, because then I'm swallowing my feelings. (And of course then I'm thinking, "AGH! I'm getting stress hormones into my breastmilk! She doesn't need those!" sigh...) What a BUMMER about your hospital's VBAC policy (to say the least)...

Coco, I had basically the same situation with our baby's position - she was OP & asynclitic - & yeah, I know babies CAN be birthed that way, but she wasn't. Yeah, feeling like a statistic kind of sucks - and feeling like I have to justify, "No, mine really WAS necessary."

Dea - no, I don't think you have issues at all! You went through a really, really scary experience. It's a double whammy because you're processing the loss of the vision of your perfect birth along with the terror of your baby being in distress. It's a lot to cycle through & I hope you find sympathetic ears/shoulders.

As Coco wrote - and this kind of sums it up for me - "...And not worry about feeling pissed about how things ended up, it doesn't make any of us less happy and overjoyed to be moms and have the wonderful babies we have..." My doula was saying to me something like that only a psychopath would not admit that a healthy baby is the ultimate end goal, that of COURSE we're thrilled to have a healthy baby, but not everyone understands how deeply moms can feel the loss of their vision of what their baby's birth would be like. I got upset the other day remembering how I'd watch these birth videos on youtube & get so excited, like, "I can't WAIT for my home waterbirth!" And then I think, after my low-tech pregnancy with no ultrasounds or interventions, it ended up with lots of doppler use, and IV fluids, and drugs, and me on percocet while breastfeeding, and not being able to eat well for a few days, etc etc, just SO not what I expected!! It's not easy to just dismiss it, though allowing myself to grieve somewhat is helping.

Today, feeling briefly guilty thinking "I didn't protect you!", I suddenly thought, "That's not true...I DID protect her. I got her out safely. I can't protect her any more than that." The ultrasounds, the drugs, all of it, it all got her out. Realizing that did help.

Part of it, too, for me, is that we may very well not have another child, so if that is true, this was kind of my only chance at this. But that's another story I guess. Not useful to focus on that. I did get almost all the way there...

ICAN's message boards sounds great - I hadn't thought of that. I will definitely check that out.

In the meantime...really big to all.

[Dea]

Originally Posted by cocoschmoco

My little guy Andre tried to come out OP, via the top-most part of his head, and we didn't find out about it until I had tried pushing him out to no avail for 4 hours. I had a great labor until then - I went from 2 cm dilated to ready to push in about 8 hours, labored drug-free (even with wireless monitering almost the whole time), and everyone - including my doula and the midwife - thought he was ready to pop out until I just physically could not push anymore, and the OB and ultrasound machine were brought in, and it was discovered what the problem was.

At that point, I was SO tired and SO running on fumes (and crazed laboring woman hormones!) that the c-section was absolutely terrifying for me and DH - sooo much worse than anything that had happened previously. I had to take my steri-strips off myself at home last weekend, and that's when the fact that I had actually had a c-section hit me, and it made me sob as I was taking them off. I have to give DH credit, he told me how sorry he was about it, and it meant so much to me. What also meant a ton was right after the decision to have the c-section was made, my doula and midwife both assured me that it was okay (my midwife, who had a homebirth for her baby, told me that if she was in my situation, she would have done the same thing).

I remember feeling like I failed on some level, definitely (and talking to my mom - who birthed 5 of us vaginally - and can't stop talking about my c-section, certainly doesn't help). And I also feel like I need to explain to everyone that my c-section really *was* needed (though, doesn't every woman say that?). One of the positive things that's come from it is that I've heard about other women's OP baby stories (and some of those don't sound too fun when they ended with vaginal birth), and assurance that it's okay how it ended. I just really hate sounding like a stat - one of the too many American women who ended up with an incision, even though I know that my circumstances were different, and things just ended up the way they ended up. I did some second-guessing (I should have done more pelvic tilts! I should have had better posture! Why didn't anyone check the way Andre was turning in early labor?), but for the most part I've been at peace about it. The actual surgery itself, and the fact I have a scar (and need to decide in a few years whether to do VBAC or not, as my uterus was beat up when they did this one) is what bothers me the most.

Ack! So many feelings/thoughts/emotions to work through! I second checking out I-CAN's message boards. And not worry about feeling pissed about how things ended up, it doesn't make any of us less happy and overjoyed to be moms and have the wonderful babies we have...

It helped me a lot at the time as well that my midwife and doula agreed that it was absolutely the right thing for me to do. That there are c-sections for a reason and this is the reason, to preserve the life of your child.
It still sucks that I had to do it though....

[mosesface]

Originally Posted by Dea

It helped me a lot at the time as well that my midwife and doula agreed that it was absolutely the right thing for me to do. That there are c-sections for a reason and this is the reason, to preserve the life of your child.
It still sucks that I had to do it though....

this helped me, too. when my baby turned footling breech three days before her due date and didn't budge after we tried EVERYTHING, including a version, i was devastated. not only was i incredibly disappointed, i was somehow afraid of disappointing my midwife. her support and encouragement are what got me through my own disappointment and fear. she was with us every single step of the way and even held my hand throughout the surgery. having her with me bridged that huge gap between the gorgeous all-natural birth we had planned and the c-section.

[steph117]

Originally Posted by mosesface

she was with us every single step of the way and even held my hand throughout the surgery. having her with me bridged that huge gap between the gorgeous all-natural birth we had planned and the c-section.

Our midwife did this too...she was awesome.

[Dea]

Originally Posted by steph117

Our midwife did this too...she was awesome.

That's great! They wouldn't let my midwife and doula in with me, but they did let DH, but not until after they gave me the spinal and everything, I wish they would have let him in during that, it was the scariest.

[shelbean91]

I'm not in your DDC, but saw this on new posts.

Anyway- my ds2 is almost 4 and was my only csection. I had 2 normal, natural, vaginal births- fast and easy as labor/delivery goes. I fully expected the same. He had other plans.

I tried everything. Water broke monday morning, he was finally born tuesday night. Turned out the reason he wasn't coming out on his own is he was poorly positioned- forehead first instead of back of his head.

I had many of the same thoughts/questions/feelings as you've mentioned. I'm lucky in the sense he's my last and I don't have to worry about the potential VBAC situation, but I still feel a loss of my 'perfect' vaginal birth. All of my kids were 5 weeks early- healthy, but with varying degrees of feeding problems.

The thoughts/feelings/questions have faded as the years have progressed. It's normal and natural to question things and try to 'monday morning quarterback' but we all do what we think is best at the time. It doesn't help to dwell on it, though I did more than I cared to.

[perditafoster]

s to all you mamas who are processing your unexpected sections! I, too, had an unplanned section with dd #1 and it was HORRIBLE!!!! It took me months to even consider having another baby..obviously I did I had two more, both vbac, but neither one of those births went the way they were planned either.

The thing is, we all have given birth. Perhaps not the way we envisioned, the way we planned, or the manner in which we had decided that our babies would be born. But we gave birth, all the same. Surgical births are births, just the same as a vaginal birth. Never forget that. That fact, once I embraced it, helped me heal from my section so much.

If your wedding day didn't go the way you planned, would your friends pooh pooh your complaining? No, they'd embrace you and listen and be sympathetic. They'd all say stuff like "Yeah, that totally sucks that your cake fell off the table, the groom was too drunk to say his vows, your coke-addled cousin danced on the table" etc. NO, none of these things happened to me, well, my dh was pretty hung over, but still...your friends would commiserate with you. And the same thing should happen with your child's birth. Similarly, if a contractor screwed up an addition to your house, would your friends say, "Well, at least the porch doesn't lean too much to the left" or "Well, the bathroom is done, and who needs a toilet anyway?" no, they'd listen to you bitch and moan and be there for you as you work through it. Please don't think me flippant or that I'm comparing birth to a wedding or a home remodel; just trying for a bit of humorous perspective

So if your baby's birth didn't go the way you planned...then I think you are automatically given a pass to discuss it ad nauseum until you work through it! Period! End of discussion! This is how women process events...talking! so talk away, either in real life to someone sensitive or here on mdc ddc or on the vbac boards...check 'em out. Even if you're not going to have any more kids, the moms over there are super supportive and understanding. and to all of you!

[steph117]

perdita, that was an AWESOME response, and totally made me get all teary (and laugh).

Thank you, thank you

[spu]

Hi mama,

I feel your pain. My first vbac attempt ended in a c-section, and like you, we did everything possible to have a natural birth. I arrived at the hospital at 6 cm at 1 am, dilated to 10 by 7 am, pushed until 5:00 pm, and chose the c. Nothing was happening - DS just wasn't budging. He was 10lbs 3 oz, posterior, and asynclitic, which we didn't know until the c.

My pregnancy was filled with research and research about having a vbac, so we literally did everything imaginable. Hired a fantastic doula, did private bradley classes, lots of hands and knees, labored at home, no meds at the hospital... you name it. Pushed on the stool, on the ball, on my side, on the toilet. I became exhausted. We even tried napping, pitocin... they let me drink as much as I wanted (even snuck some snacks in, not that I was hungry...) and at the very end, we tried the vacuum.

Although there was technically no major distress, I was starting to get nervous given that it had been about 24 hours since my labor actively started, and the biggest issue was DS's heart rhythm - it wasn't doing the normal rise and falls against the contrax rhythm - in fact, it was doing very little rising at all, even with manual stimulation of his head. We started getting concerned that it might be taking a toll on DS, and given how much I had tried pushing, we opted for the c.

In the end, I was bummed, but still relieved that DS was strong and healthy and had no complications whatsoever. My recovery was much better than my first cs, and I believe it's because of all the planning and good labor that we had, with no meds.

I remember coming home and seeing my bradley and Ina May books, and I cried for days. But I had to keep telling myself and going over the fact that we did everything humanly possible. It was ultimately our decision, and we're grateful and respectful of the medical technology that helped our son join the world. I get scared about what might have happened if we didn't have a c, and if we waited and waited for it to somehow 'work'... but knowing what we know now, there was no way he was coming down the pipe.

hugs to you!!! and if you choose to have another babe, know that each pregnancy and each labor is different, and anything is possible. I just had a vba2c 7 weeks ago, 16 mos after DS was born, so I was a high-risk for a vbac, but they let me try, and for whatever reason, this time it worked.

[LawrenceDoula]

Originally Posted by spu

Hi mama,

I feel your pain. My first vbac attempt ended in a c-section, and like you, we did everything possible to have a natural birth. I arrived at the hospital at 6 cm at 1 am, dilated to 10 by 7 am, pushed until 5:00 pm, and chose the c. Nothing was happening - DS just wasn't budging. He was 10lbs 3 oz, posterior, and asynclitic, which we didn't know until the c.

My pregnancy was filled with research and research about having a vbac, so we literally did everything imaginable. Hired a fantastic doula, did private bradley classes, lots of hands and knees, labored at home, no meds at the hospital... you name it. Pushed on the stool, on the ball, on my side, on the toilet. I became exhausted. We even tried napping, pitocin... they let me drink as much as I wanted (even snuck some snacks in, not that I was hungry...) and at the very end, we tried the vacuum.

Although there was technically no major distress, I was starting to get nervous given that it had been about 24 hours since my labor actively started, and the biggest issue was DS's heart rhythm - it wasn't doing the normal rise and falls against the contrax rhythm - in fact, it was doing very little rising at all, even with manual stimulation of his head. We started getting concerned that it might be taking a toll on DS, and given how much I had tried pushing, we opted for the c.

In the end, I was bummed, but still relieved that DS was strong and healthy and had no complications whatsoever. My recovery was much better than my first cs, and I believe it's because of all the planning and good labor that we had, with no meds.

I remember coming home and seeing my bradley and Ina May books, and I cried for days. But I had to keep telling myself and going over the fact that we did everything humanly possible. It was ultimately our decision, and we're grateful and respectful of the medical technology that helped our son join the world. I get scared about what might have happened if we didn't have a c, and if we waited and waited for it to somehow 'work'... but knowing what we know now, there was no way he was coming down the pipe.

hugs to you!!! and if you choose to have another babe, know that each pregnancy and each labor is different, and anything is possible. I just had a vba2c 7 weeks ago, 16 mos after DS was born, so I was a high-risk for a vbac, but they let me try, and for whatever reason, this time it worked.

Thank you for your story! Sounds EXACTLY like mine, except that I don't know why my baby wasn't moving down. I need to get my records from the hospital. You story or a VBA2C gives me hope. I've now had two labors end with hours of pushing that ended in c-section and was starting to feel like maybe I CAN'T deliver vaginally, but your story shows me that there is no reason to give up.
Thanks!

[spu]

Hi Mama,
I'm glad I can offer you some hope. In addition to all the great books out there, there is one that was particularly helpful to me this time around and it's called "Active Birth: The New Approach to Giving Birth Naturally.

http://www.amazon.com/Active-Birth-A...6117939&sr=8-1

The thing that I kept focusing on was movement during labor. When my labor started at home, I was in denial, since I thought for sure it would peter out like last time (and end up with pitocin). So I kept moving. Even in the tub. And when I finally gave into the fact that it was real labor, I would do whatever felt right - standing, wiggling, hula / belly dance moves... I let the 'animal instinct' in me be my guide. And if that meant pushing while on the toilet at home (or in the car ride to the hospital for 32 minutes...) then so be it.

I don't know if this made a difference or not, but maybe it helped get the baby from posterior to anterior, and allow for the head to start to descend. I never made it past 0 or +1 with my other 3 children, so I was willing to try anything (and listen to my own body)... My midwife was very skilled at getting out big babies, and her confidence and guidance gave me extra confidence during labor as well. No counting, no 'telling me what to do' but she was watching and listening, telling me to tip a little back, or a little forward, or blow that one away, etc.

Stay positive, mama.