alternative treatment programs?

[radicalmama]

My fourteen year old son is out of control. Defiant, insolent, ungrateful, and the things he is saying and doing are terrifying everyone.

I had him at 16, and he has been living with my parents for the last several years. He is very very mad at me, and thinks that I ruined his life...but has never expressed this until very recently.

He is cutting himself, sexually out of control, threatening to go and find his biological father (who has never seen him, and moved out of state before he was born) and kill him.

He is horrible to my parents, who give him EVERYTHING. (I mean HORRIBLE...he demands lobster at restaurant, they get it for him, then he pushes it away because it isn't perfect, and refuses to eat. Tells the to shut the f up when the try to appeal to him. And then he leaves and doesn't return till after midnight).

Anyway...I am looking for some kind of alternative therapy for him...I don't want him in a mental institution, or at some awful abusive religious program, military school, or shady outward bound. I would be interested in some kind of reality therapy...visiting and working with the poor somewhere maybe? an outward bound that isn't shady?

The other issue is cost, as I cannot afford very much.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[Julz6871]

Don't look at adolescent psych hospitals as 'mental institutions.' Good ones are now more behavior therapy and psychological testing to diagnose any treatable issues, and medications if necessary. You would be surprised what some behavior and coping skills can do for a child. What a strict routine and consequences that can be carried out because he is in a locked facility. I used to work at a place called Inner Harbour in Georgia. It was a fantastic place that gave troubled kids a new life in some cases. The other benefit to a 'hospital' place is that health insurance/medicaid often covers it. See if there are any inpatient treatment facilities for adolescents in your area.

[radicalmama]

My folks put me inpatient in what was supposed to be a progessive hospital when I was a teen. It was an utter nightmare. The abused several patients, in awful ways. Raped a couple, and I actually witnessed physical and emotional abuse by staff.

I'm really gun shy about these places now.

[canadianchick]

I don't know that a mental hospital is what you are looking for. No offense, but he sounds like an over indulged young man who needs to learn that people were not put on this earth to serve him.

[Eavesdrop]

Originally Posted by radicalmama

My folks put me inpatient in what was supposed to be a progessive hospital when I was a teen. It was an utter nightmare. The abused several patients, in awful ways. Raped a couple, and I actually witnessed physical and emotional abuse by staff.

I'm really gun shy about these places now.

Geeze, that is HORRIBLE.

Back On Topic: if he's cutting himself, I'd take it pretty seriously.

Why do want an "alternative" treatment program? Sounds like he needs to be evaluated by a competent mental health professional.

I definitely wouldn't place an emotionally troubled child in any kind of out-of-home setting without researching the program thoroughly. You can check www.isaccorp.org for accounts of problems. I'd also check with the Better Business Bureau and state licensing agencies.

[Cherie2]

I know this isn't a possibility for everyone but there was a great article in Mothering about a mother who took her son to an orphanage in Thailand and it had a profound effect on him here is the link to that article. Very inspiring.

ETA: They went there to volunteer together .. lol that sort of sounded like she dropped him off there or something

[laoxinat]

Originally Posted by radicalmama

He is horrible to my parents, who give him EVERYTHING. (I mean HORRIBLE...he demands lobster at restaurant, they get it for him, then he pushes it away because it isn't perfect, and refuses to eat. Tells the to shut the f up when the try to appeal to him. And then he leaves and doesn't return till after midnight).

This, to me, is the crux of the problem. He is demanding limits. Every one of his behaviors is doing the same. Are you in a position to have him with you? If so I would get him out of your parents' house ASAP, and take over parenting him. My guess is you probably have some guilt over the situation? If so, you may want to explore some reality checking excersizes like The Work by Byron Katie. This is a method of inquiring as to the truth of the judgements we make. As mamas, we often second guess ourselves and judge ourselves SO harshly. But when we really look at the truth of things, we find that reality is always kind. It is our judgement about reality that hurts us.
By 14 and having gotten all he demands, it will take some time to 'relearn' reality. But it is never, IMO too late. A big to you mama. Please be easy on yourself and know that he is EXACTLY the way he is supposed to be right now. Healing happens. When DS was 14, I was convinced (privately, thank goodness) he was DOOMED. At 20, he is not exactly on track to unseat Bill Gates as a giant of industry, mind you, BUT. We have a wonderful, loving and supportive relationship. He never ever fails to tell me he loves me in front of all his buds

[Jennyfur]

I would think it would be best to get some sort of diagnosis first to find out whether he does have a mental health problem. It sounds so tough. I'm sorry your family is struggling with this.

[E.V. Lowi]

This works!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parent_...eness_Training

http://www.gordontraining.com/family...hilosophy.html

[avalonfaith]

You can check www.isaccorp.org for accounts of problems.

:

i like you was sent to a place much like you described and this is kind of a watch group for that. sounds liek you won't be sending him anywhere, i think the mommas on here have some great ideas about first taking him to see a professional for him alone and for the family together would be a good place to start.

[violets8]

Inner Harbor is amazing a dear friend of mine worked there as a group leader and saw amazing growth with the boys she served.

[leafwood]

I would highly recommend finding someone who is trained in Alan Kazdin's Parent Management Training techniques. He is a psychologist at Yale and he is amazing. I have attended several of his trainings and seen his work live. The approach/program is AMAZING! He has found clinically significant improvements while working with severely conduct disordered youth from various SES and backgrounds. He also published a book, but working with a trainer is the best way to go. Try this link for information, you can call to find out if there is someone trained in your area and the entire family (grandparents included) should be involved in the treatment:
http://www.childconductclinic.yale.edu/

[papayapetunia]

Hi, I went to the same facility that avalonfaith went to. (Hi, avalonfaith! ) I second (third?) the vote to check out isaccorp.org.

Aside from that, it seems like your son has some resentment over growing up without his father and over not living with you, you know, not having a "normal" childhood. It seems like your parents maybe feel guilty over this and overindulge him as a result. I think you all should seek family therapy that is non-confrontational. I know that he is being horrible, but he is probably in real pain. He needs the safety of a non-judgmental therapist who is on his side, and on everyone's side.

[ThreeBeans]

Please, before you do or send him ANYWHERE, you and he need to have some sessions with a competent family therapist.

I do not think your parents are where he should be living right now. Whether he needs to be living with you, or in an in-patient psychiatric facility, is something a trained evaluator could help you decide.