need advice - 5yr old DD - Page 2

[laoxinat]

Originally Posted by lovetomom

I'd say instead that this is a golden opportunity for our dc to learn that others don't really have the power to determine our feelings or our self worth.

While I totally agree with this, I would really like to hear how you or others would approach it in this situation.

and as for this,
Exclusion is only intentionally hurtful when the excluder truly has the capacity to not only intend hurt, but to put herself in the place of another, which doesn't really happen until the frontal cortex forms fully, anywhere from late teens to early adulthood. Not saying the reciever doesn't feel hurt, just doesn't have to.

I don't agree with it and would really appreciate hearing how you would explain this one to the receiver, so they don't have to feel hurt.

Thank you

No one has a remote control that can make anyone feel anything emotionally. Emotion, while it may be very strong, is voluntary. When our beliefs are lovingly questioned, we find the ONLY person who can make us believe or feel anything is us. To believe otherwise is to put ourselves at the mercy of every single force outside of ourselves over which we have no control. I refuse to be held responsible for something (another person's behavior) that I cannot control. Why on earth should anyone feel bad because of an opinion? We DO have control over our emotions. OF COURSE a 5 year old isn't going to fully understand this YET. It's a process that takes years. But the sooner people are freed from the tyranny of others' expectations, the sooner we will have some peace. And if you don't agree with many years of documented scientific evidence, that is entirely up to you. But brains develop the way they do, and not the way we would necessarily like them to . To clarify, I am not saying a 5 year old is incapable of empathy, just that a marked lack of the stuff is pretty common at that age. My DS was utterly without conscience (outwardly), whereas DD 'got it' at 4 or even younger. Every kid is different and those differences are not because we as parents are doing something bad or wrong. Kids are just different. Why why why is any kid obligated to play with any other kid if she doesn't want to?!? This sounds like training a girl to be compliant and 'sweet' just ...because she's a girl....gaaaaah. It doesn't have to be done in a mean way, but why can't we just let our girls choose their friends? Would we even be asking this question about boys? I am very curious about that last bit....

[lovetomom]

in response

for the record i do not think this child or any other should feel obligated to play with anyone, my child included. but i think choosing not to play with my child is very different than taunting my child and encouraging others to exclude her.

as for our expectations with boys, i certainly think boys should be encouraged, like girls, to be respectful and empathetic.