help! I am a mean mommy

[mamaofthree]

i need some serious advice on how to deal with my soon to be 4 yo son. everything single thing is a fight. if i give choices he wants something other than what is offered, if i try to not say no an find a way to say yes, it is a fight. by the end of the day i am worn out dealing with him and i have 4 other children. he makes a complete mess of all food, i think i throw out $30.00 or more a week in food that he just trashes. i am at my wits end. i love him so much but i want to rip my hair out. i hate feeling like i am a mean mommy. i think at least 3 times a week i end up yelling at him by the end of the day. i hate this.
any advice or books or whatever would be so great.
thanks

h

[abi&ben'smom]

My dd is like this. It is getting better as she is getting older! (I still haven't figured out a solution--I just wanted to sympathize!) I try to give her choices for breakfast---sometimes that works great, sometimes it takes her forever to decide--and then I have to choose for her or we will miss the school bus. There are some things that we are firm on---like there is a strict dress code at school, so I pick out her clothes for her; but she can wear whatever she wants when she gets back home. Even if that means that she wears a princess dress to the grocery store. I hope someone has some good advice, I'll be watching!!:

[LynnS6]

Part of it is being 4, which is tough. I've got an almost 4 year old and I'm ready to put her out on the curb about once a day!

Part of it is being one of 5 kids, which is tough. (As the youngest of 5, I can attest to that!)

Is there any time where he gets your undivided attention? That can go a long way to building up a relationship so that things aren't such a battle! Is there anyway you can get a few moments to yourself to recharge so that he's not pushing your buttons so hard?

For reading, I would recommend:
Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen
Connection Parenting by Pam Leo

Both are relatively practical and focus on connections, and the relationship between connection and behavior.

I've also found that with our strong-willed almost 4 year old, setting up rules ahead of time has really helped. Sometimes reducing choices reduces the burden on everyone. For example, we've had apple juice around the house (we normally don't), and dd was whining for apple juice constantly. Over the weekend, I finally declared: "Too much apple juice is not good for you body. You can have 2 cups of apple juice a day and that's it. Once you've drunk those two cups (they're small, 4-6 oz cups), you're done for the day."

She's chosen each day to have her apple juice first thing in the morning. And we haven't heard whining for more at all!

Now if we can just cure the "I won't go to bed, I won't get dressed, I won't eat breakfast, I won't help pick up the house, I won't...." I'll have it licked!

[mamaofthree]

Funny you mention Connection Parenting... I just ordered that a few days ago. I am awaiting it breathlessly. LOL
I feeling like none of the typical parenting things work with him. I am my wits end. I try to limit choices or give choices or give no choices he fights no matter what. If we had juice and I made a rule like you did it wouldn't matter he would fight and fight about it all damn day long. It is all I would hear. Screaming crying complaining about it. His will is so strong, and it isn't like I want to break his spirit, but darn it I have 4 other children. He can't have his way all the time. It makes me crazy. And this is pretty new... like with in the last few months.
And he is so destructive. i just want to cry. He not only destorys food, but stuff and he hits people and knocks the baby over and is just mean. If he doesn't get what he wants the moment he wants it he screams (even if I am no the toilet or changing the baby or whatever) and yells like he is getting beat.
All day long he freaks out.

[LynnS6]

Some of the 'magic' of the juice rule was that dd could tell that it was final. I was very calm. I said it at a time when I wasn't frustrated. And it had followed a week of constant whining about it, so she'd already gotten the message that when we said "no more juice" we did actually mean it. The 2 cups rule just made it clearer to her when we were going to call a halt to it so it didn't seem so random to her.

Hmm... two other books

Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
The Explosive Child by???

It sounds to me like he's definitely feeling 'off' as judged by his behavior. Is a cry for connection? A need for more sleep? Food that he's eating? It might not respond to a 'quick fix' but take some detective work.

[mamaofthree]

I don't want it to take detective work. LOL I want my sweet boy back.

Ok I will check out that second book.
Honestly he does seem off to me too. This isn't how he normally is. DH and I do try and give him one on one attention daily. But it seems it is never enough.
I just recently started working again (one 12 hour shift a week at night) and I have thought this might be it, but I swear the more he acts this way the more I want to get away. I hate feel like this.
I would stop working, but we really need the extra money for a while (at least 12 months to pay off some serious debt).
UGH!

H

[Magella]

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. And, as Lynn suggested, maybe The Explosive Child.

I think Lynn had a lot of great advice for you. Remember that he's probably doing the best he can. It likely will take some detective work and creativity on your part to help him do better.

[f&p'smama]

One of my 3-year olds is like your son. It's so hard, isn't it? I often feel that if she was an only child things would be so different, but she isn't.

I have all the books PPs have mentioned on my nightstand right now and am working my way through them & they're helpful. I think you'd find Kids, Parents & Power Struggles to be helpful. I'm also reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline and it's a good read, too.

[mamaofthree]

so yeah connection parenting just got here today! And I put explosive child on hold at the library so I should get that one sometime this week.
I have raising your spirited child as I have one of those too.
This is more fusterating because ds#3 has not always been like this. the more I look back on this the more i ralize this has all come about the same time I started working part time. I think because I am running on less sleep I am less patient, and we are not connecting.

h

[laoxinat]

Oh mama! Much of this is the age. Did you know there was a whole thread devoted to 3.5 year olds? This is an age during which kiddos are seeing possibility, but are not yet able to extrapolate the consequences of acting on those possibilities. And of course, they can't completely understand what effect their behavior has on the rest of us. They are little bundles of want, without the ability to reciprocate in kind. GOOD for YOU for asking for help and for exploring other ways! One thing to keep in mind is that when we talk about what "works" we need to be very careful. What 'works' for mama may not 'work' for our DC. Often when we say what "works" we mean, "what will get me MY way" KWIM? Kids are smart. They know when they are getting the short end. Learning to cope with not getting what you want is part of growing up. As parents we are told some version of "If you give them what they want, you will spoil them, create a monster, etc etc etc." But we often don't recognize that human beings don't do well in a world in which they FEEL like they don't consistently get their needs met. They act out and tantrum and ,well, act like kids It may feel like it's because you have 5 that it's hard to meet needs, but even with one, a mama can't do it perfectly. I don't think it's our job to give children everything they need, but rather to help them learn to get that for themselves without stepping on others to get it. At almost 4, yur DS just can't understand the enormity of that, but if you know both those things, you can have realistic expectations. Then the stuff that is normal and to be expected won't have such a negative impact. !!

[sprinkle pocket]

besides all the great stuff that's already been said, i'm pretty reliant on flower remedies and homeopathy for when ds seems out of sorts.