Allowing my child to express her anger POSITIVELY

[chobysauce]

So dd is turning 15 months on the 20th. At first her temper tantrums were cute, but they're becoming more frequent. I'm not quite sure how to respond... I mean, I find myself firmly saying, "HEY!" which seems to make things worse. She sometimes falls limp on the floor or against something when throwing a tantrum. I notice she gets frustrated if she drops something and I don't know how to respond to her screaming. It feels wrong to just ignore it.

When I'm trying to get something done at my computer, she will sit in my lap and pound on my keyboard, turn off my tower, etc. You can say that's normal child behavior, but I can barely get anything done. I tell her no and try to give her other things to play with. I've even tried to distract her with our pet cats...only one won't come near her and the other is fixing to have a litter and, well, dd isn't exactly gentle. Anyway, I've seen my little girl get so angry for being told no that she'll ball up her fists and bang on my keyboard and monitor. I've never seen tantrums like this from a child her age. It just seems so...violent.

Is it normal? Am I doing something wrong here? What do I do? I mean, how do I guide her to express her anger in a more positive fashion?

Her father and I both grew up in families that spanked and we're trying to move away from that. I know I've come to the right place and I know there are a myriad of books out there...I just needed to hear someone who has dealt with or is dealing with this type of situation.

[tashaharney]

validating and naming the feelings when my son was that age really seemed to help him out. he got angry b/c i wouldn't let him play with something dangerous and i would sit with him while he tantrumed and say 'you are MAD because mommy wouldn't let you have that. you really wanted to see it and now you are MAD because you can't. its ok to be mad. every one gets mad sometimes.'

sometimes we'd go look in a mirror. 'wow, look how mad you are!'

also i would act however he was acting. i would stomp my foot and say MAD really loudly. i think just showing him i understood how he felt would help him deal with his own feelings better. anger is such a large emotion, and a little one doesn't understand what they are feeling, yk? it seemed like having a word to put with it really helped him out.

he's 22 months now and he will tell me he is mad. he still has tantrums, of course, but he knows that he's mad and if i can calm him enough he can try to talk about it more.

[mamazee]

There was a really good article in Mothering recently - not the latest issue but I think the one before that. If you've got it, see if you can find it.

Anyway, my opinion is that tantrums are something to get through, not something to really do much about. Tantrums are normal, even bad ones. My daughter had terrible tantrums so bad that she would try to gouge my eyes out. But kids are just out of control when they tantrum - they aren't doing anything on purpose.

I would just sit near her and tell her that I could see she was angry and that I was there for her when she needed me. And eventually she'd wind out of her tantrum and want lots of love.

If it's a problem near the computer, move yourself and her out of the computer area when it happens, wait for her to get through her tantrum, and then give her love. But she will have another tantrum at some point.

I've read, and it's also true in my experience, that the tantrum things improves a lot as they learn to speak and talk about how they're feeling, so encourage discussion of emotions. Give her words for how she's feeling and the better she understands that the better things should get for you.