Is this smart or lazy?

[Heffernhyphen]

It seems to me that most grown ups look at children as second class citizens. They don't have the same rights and they deserve no power. Hence the classic power struggle situation. How else could a kid react given no choices and no power? I'd fight back too!

That's why I try my best to give DS (age four) some of the power, or in some cases, just the illusion of it. And so begins the trouble with DH.

He is a huge believer in kids having to understand the word no (read in a grumpy, authoritarian tone). In fact, I often call him Dr. No. Every other sentence begins with some form of a negative: Don't . . . . No . . . . Stop . . . . You can't . . . .

Drives me freaking insane!

So here's the fight that ensued this weekend. It was 7:30 Saturday night. DS was gleefully riding his bike on the deck, loudly squealing and laughing. DH comes out and says to me, "It's 7:30; don't you think that's a bit loud for this late at night?" Um, no Paw Paw, not really. But in an effort to back him up, a request he makes frequently, I said, "Okay, Daniel, time to go inside."

I'm feeling like I just totally supported his desire for quiet, so you can imagine how shocked I was that he was totally pissed by this! Why can't I just tell him to be quiet? Why can't he learn that sometimes he just has to do what he's told?

Isn't it smarter to just remove the child from the noisy activity rather than try to make him suddenly do the same activity quietly? WTF? Even when I disagree with the goal DH has in mind but TRY to support him, he still ends up grumpy.

[nextcommercial]

O.K.. Maybe I am on the wrong page. Maybe it's HOW you asked DS to come inside now. Maybe you weren't actually backing your DH up.

I have no problems saying "It's getting kinda quiet outside, lets turn our voices down while we ride bikes" If he says "why?" you can explain that Daddy, or the neighbors are watching TV or putting their little ones to bed now, and it's time for our quiet voices.

But, I am seeing your attitude (could be waaay off) as more like "Daddy wants you to be quiet, so lets just go inside". Obviously, you didn't SAY that, but perhaps it came off that way?

Other than that, I agree. Kids need and deserve choices. But, they also can't tell time, and have no idea that the neighbors are trying to read abook to their two year old. So, it's O.K to "turn the volume down now".

Now, if you live on two acres of land, and Daddy wasn't trying to watch the Suns game, and there really is no reason for quiet time, other than just because, that's different. I'd want to know why he felt like it was time to quiet down. But, I would whole heartedly try to respect my DHs desire for some peaceful time.

[One_Girl]

I usually just asked dd to be a little quieter because people are starting to get their younger children to bed, especially if it is an activity that she is having fun with and will want to continue to do. My dd is generally happier if she is given the chance to do the activity still but in a more appropriate way for the situation rather than to just be cut off cold turkey. It sounds like your DH's goal was to have the activity continue but with a quieter tone that couldn't be heard so well inside and he saw your actions as you cutting off the activity and as making him the bad guy, wheras actually supporting his goal by telling your son that it is getting late and he needs to be a little quieter would probably have been just fine with him.

[kimbersdawnly]

I don't think it's smart or lazy (referring to your dh), I'd say it's misinformed. Can you get him to do any reading? Would it help for him to know that research has shown that authoritarian parenting is less effective at modifying behavior than compassionate parenting AND produces children who are less well adjusted and have less ability to self discipline later in life???? You can find that in any life span development text book. Not to mention there are several great parenting books out there...

Grrrr. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're instincts are good. Keep listening to them! Don't let dh's lack of understanding override your own good parenting.

[aaronsmom]

Honestly, I might've done the same thing (only if I were really trying to compromise with DH). My DS is two and I don't think he'd understand the whole quiet thing. Plus, there are some activities that just aren't quiet no matter what you do.
IMO, sounds like your DH was just mad that you didn't do it *his* way.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen

DH comes out and says to me, "It's 7:30; don't you think that's a bit loud for this late at night?" Um, no Paw Paw, not really. But in an effort to back him up, a request he makes frequently, I said, "Okay, Daniel, time to go inside."

Is he asking if you think it is too late for the noise, or telling you that he thinks it is too late for the noise? I would have answered something like, "No, I wouldn't think that 7:30 is too late for noise. Do you?"

I guess if dh and I were having issues like this, I would ask him to speak directly to dc, rather than expecting me to bring his concern up with dc. Dh can make the suggestion he wants (come inside, or play a quiet game--phrased positively ), and then you can back him up.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I guess if dh and I were having issues like this, I would ask him to speak directly to dc, rather than expecting me to bring his concern up with dc. Dh can make the suggestion he wants (come inside, or play a quiet game--phrased positively ), and then you can back him up.

Yeah, if my dh wants something done, he can ask our dc himself - I'm not an intercom. LOL

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by mamazee

- I'm not an intercom. LOL

Hah! I'm going to borrow this phrase!