Moving down to move up

[PiscesMama24]

Hi Mamas,

DH and I are considering moving from our 4 bd. 2 bath house (which we rent from my father in law) into my parent's basement (a 1 bd. 1 bath, in-law unit with a kitchenette). This would be for approx. 1-2 yrs. in order for us to save up for a down payment on our own house.

Problem is, I'm having a really hard time letting go of my FIL's house, even though I know we're not building any equity and he could decide to take it back or sell it at any minute. My DH is having an even harder time since it's the house he grew up in and every tree in our yard is one he planted himself.

Not only am I having a hard time with the idea of "moving down" I'm worried about how the transition will be for DD (11 mos) especially since we will have MUCH less space for her to play.

Has anyone else moved down in order to move up later on? How did you cope, mentally, physically and spiritually? I hate to think that my self-worth is defined by something as materialistic as my home, but...I've put a lot into this house and the idea of giving it up is scary (especially since we don't know what is waiting for us in the future).

Any thoughts mamas? TIA!

[kijip]

It sounds like the place with your parents would be free or low cost?

I'd do it. It is a great way to build a down payment. Multiply the $$ you could save each month in the smaller place by 24 and the answer is going to be clear. In Seattle for example, I'd guess it would be over $30,000! Now is the time in your daughter's life when she needs the least space and the least toys. By making this sacrifice now, you could have the security of owning your own home someday. Also, this age is a great time to have grandparents nearby. We lived a series of tiny spaces from the time our son was born (starting with a studio loft apartment) till we moved to our first house when he was just about 4 years old. Having small spaces is great with tiny kids...less to clean, close for play time etc. We co slept in some fashion or another until he was 2 and 1/2 anyways.

Maybe in 2 years, when you have a down payment, you could buy the house you live in now from your FIL?

[PiscesMama24]

Yeah, we would be paying less than half of what we're paying now if we rented from my parents instead of staying in my FIL's house. Which could save us thousands of dollars over 1 -2 years. DH really wants to buy the house from his dad, but I have concerns about the foundation (it's unstable and would cost lots to fix) plus I've never really felt "at home" here. I have this vision of us searching for the house that is truly "ours." Does that make any sense?

Plus, I'm afraid that even if we buy it from FIL, he would still feel that it is his house and many of the issues and stresses we have now about "the house" would just continue.

[Crunchy*VT*Mom]

I would do it.

I would even start packing today.

Is there any chance your father-in-law would be willing to lower your rent substantially so you could save up to buy the house you are living in now?

Would he be willing to sell it to you if you could raise that money? If not, I'd definitely move on and save money to buy your own place.

Even though you don't feel like your FIL's house is "your" house right now...you would if you were making mortgage payments on it.

[2GR8KIDS]

Just chiming in to say that I would not worry too much about your DD's ability to adjust. We lived MIL's house for a year while we remodeled, when my kids were 2 and 6. I really fretted about them having to leave their house, their furniture, their yard, most of their toys, etc. but they had absolutely no problems adjusting. (I did, but that's another story!) Anyway, kids are surprisingly adaptable and especially given your DD's young age I think as long as her parents are there with her she won't care so much where she is.

[PiscesMama24]

CrunchyVTMom,

One of the problems is that my FIL can't afford his own mortgage without the rent from us on this house, so he keeps raising the rent. Now we're responsible for covering the property taxes as well but we're not seeing any long term benefit.

DH really wants to buy the house eventually, but I'm concerned that the boundaries may not be as defined if we bought the house from my FIL versus a private seller and he may expect us to refinance later on down the line to pay for his mortgage, medical expenses etc. I'm hoping that if FIL doesn't feel as invested in another house we choose to buy, he may respect our boundaries more.

I just keep looking around wondering if I'm making the right choice or if I'm making a mistake by taking the gamble.

[SleeplessMommy]

I think this is an issue of living within your means - you don't need a 4 br rental house for one child. By moving to the smaller house now, you will be able to own a house later. Your FIL has a problem with being underwater on his house, but it is not your problem. If you stay, how will you ever be able to own the big house?

Talk with your husband about the "family budget" - so he can see how the lower rental cost will add up to a down payment. You will also have lower electric and water costs, which will help things. Open a savings account just for the down payment.

Trees grow quickly when they are young, so take the time to plant some in your new back yard if possible. :

[Ruthla]

Your 11mo isn't really going to care one way or the other about the house. It's not like you're talking about a teenager.

It's your DH who needs to "let go" of the house to get ready to move on.

[KariM]

I did it years ago. I left a house we owned (5 bedroom, 1 bath) to live in a one bedroom student apartment. We eventually got a 2 bedroom unit, but it was still tight!

Our DS was 2 at the time and didn't seem to care. I mourned the loss of a backyard for him, but realized plenty of kids grow up living in apartments and use playgrounds instead of living in houses with private backyards!

For me the transition enabled me to earn my BS and MA and eventually support my DS after I divorced his father.

Looking back it was probably one of the wisest decisions I ever made, even though it felt painful at the time.

[Kino]

We moved down, but we wanted to. The lower bills and savings were too appealing to pass up. My husband was not as confident as me in our decision, but once the bills started rolling in at half their old cost he was won over.

I did get a pang when we were packing, but we've all adjusted well to our little home. Our daughter is one and I don't think she really noticed

Make a list of all that you will GAIN!

[KnockedUpButtercup]

I noticed you haven't mentioned any bills besides rent.

I'm not sure where you are, but here in Houston, the difference between a 4 bedroom house and a 1 bedroom apartment in terms of an electric bill would be $300-400.

[PiscesMama24]

That a good point about bills. Living with my parents in their in-law unit, they would pay gas, electric, water and garbage, and would most likely split cable and internet with us. That would save us SO much right there. Our gas and electric usually run about $300.mo alone!

I had an idea about getting some big sheets of paper and taping them to our wall. Then labeling 1 with Dreams/Goals for the future, 1 with Worries/Fears and the other with two pros and cons lists (Staying in this house-Pros/Cons, Leaving the House-Pros and Cons). I thought that if I hung them up on the wall and added to them as things came up, with the hopes that DH would add to them too, it would be a way to get all of the thoughts that keep swirling around inside our heads out and onto paper. Maybe that way we could take a step back and really look at the decision as a whole.

Has anyone done something similar? I know I've done this type of exercise in brainstorming meetings (I think it even had a specific name). I know I would have no problem listing/drawing pix on the paper, but DH might think it's stupid. What do you mamas think?

P.S. Thanks so much for all of your insights and feedback...it really helps to bounce ideas back and forth!!

[PiscesMama24]

Okay so I tried my poster idea over the weekend....it was totally rejected! DH said he didn't want all the things he's losing to be staring him in the face all the time. And that everything is already in his head so why does he need to write it down or draw pictures about it.

Ugh...this is so difficult! Last night he didn't sleep...AGAIN. He's having a hard time eating too. yet he says this is the only choice and I keep getting the feeling that he does want to move out of his childhood home, and that he thinks it's the right thing to do, but he just can't make the decision himself...it's too painful. I just don't know if I can be strong enough to make this decision on my own.

[Om Girl]

WE DID THIS & YOU CAN TOO!

DH and I had a two bed/1 bath/2 car garage duplex that we rented for more than our current mortgage. Right after DD was born we packed up and moved into my parents' basement. (Full in-law apartment with private entrance).

It was a HUGE adjustment for DH and I. Mainly because we were living in a different area than all of our friends, but saving crazy amounts of money and paying off a ton of debt! But, also because he was living with his in-laws. My parents were super supportive, but respected our privacy! That's a HUGE thing! Definitely set boundaries early on if you decide to move. It just makes it way easier.
DD had a super easy adjustment. She loved living close to her Papa and JuJu and could just walk upstairs to see them. We utilized their offers for baby sitting and help when we needed it, but pretty much acted like renters at any other place we've lived.

This past October, after paying off all DH's debt (major) and putting a huge dent in mine we bought our first home! My best friend also was doing the same thing, at the same time and they also just bought a house!

What we found is that it allowed us freedom to budget, pay off debt, save and take our time and really find a house we loved!

Good luck!

[sabrinat]

We didn't move down to move up but we've chosen to stay down to move up. I live in approx 1700 sf and we're a family of 6 in 3 bdrm/2 bths. Most of my friends and acquaintances think we're living in a box, but I actually feel like we have plenty of space and I have a purpose and a plan for remaining here and not going bigger bigger bigger which is the trend here. I say go for it. It sounds like you plan for it to be temporary and you have a goal that you're working towards.

[Conteuse]

We did this, too.

We moved from a 4-bedrm farmhouse, about 2,000 sq. ft. into a 700-sq. ft. finished basement in my parents' house.

We had a new baby at the time.

We liked it so much that we've stayed here! Our son is now 7, and he loves sharing a house with his grandparents.

If there are no "boundaries" problems between you and your parents, I would say go for it!

We'd do it again in a heartbeat. It has its inconveniences, but on the whole we've been very glad that we did it.