Wondering if I did the right thing...(reopened)

[Maiasaura]

short background: he entered this school 6 weeks into the school year. he was at another school before that, and home (un)schooled before that. not that that matters
anyway, he's severely ADHD and his teacher is a 1st year teacher who obviously has no experience whatever with atypical kids. it was obvious from the 1st week we were there that he disrupted her perfect little classroom and that she was not about to tolerate it.
i thought this was going to be the dream school. it's a charter, very alternative, was one of the 10 finalists for the Ellen DeGeneres/All Greenest school in America contest, uses Expeditionary Learning, is very hands-on and very environmentally conscious, teaching the kids to be so as well. they spend a ton of time outdoors and on field trips.
i'd pull him out in a heartbeat, but the reason i put him there (NO FLAMES PLEASE) is that i need the free babysitting while i am in school. that's not to say that i am disrespectful; on the contrary, i do my best to conform to the school rules (and have my kid do so as well) while we are part of that school.

we've tried to get him a one-on-one, but the state won't pay for that in the school setting anymore. i've changed his meds (no flames for that either-- it was a long and agonizing decision and very personal) and he's since doing very well now (behaviorally-- i don't much care about academically as long as he's happy and behaves).

However, the teacher-- she can be very nice sometimes, but i can see right through that now; she's got serious problems with control. one time my ds was late for the beginning of school cause he took too long in the bathroom and she told me off on the phone "if it ever happens again, i will REQUIRE you to park and walk him in" (and then repeated it).
there have been several instances of her being like that. i have been too taken aback to respond, and also i didn't want to lower myself and be confrontational too, so i let it go.

this time, i missed a conference on monday, that i didn't even know i had, and she ripped me a new one. i mean totally lost it, on the phone thursday morning, and told. me. off. in no uncertain terms. and told me things like "he's your CHILD, it's your RESPONSIBILITY" yadda yadda. and when i said maybe next monday, i got "next monday is my anniversary, i was plannning to take that day off; i get 10 personal days a year, which i am ENTITLED TO"....yadda yadda.

SO. the point of this long winded post is that i sat down this weekend and composed a letter and sent it to her, her supervisor, and the director of the school. it basically said that she was unprofessional and wrong, and that i treat her with the respect and dignity she deserves, and that i deserve the same. of course it was longer than that but you get the idea.

now i'm having misgivings. but i don't want her to continue to treat parents like that, and who knows what-all goes on in the classroom when there aren't parent volunteers. she should not be allowed to continue. and i also wrote at the bottom that i expect her relationship with my child in school to not be affected by this communication.

yikes, mamas....what would you have done? did i do the right thing?

pamela

[greeny]

I would probably tried to have a heart-to-heart in person with her before going above her. I would have tried to meet with her and said, "You know what? I felt like you have been very disrespectful to me in these situations (and then described the occasions). I think it's very important to have a good, mutually respectful relationship with my son's teacher, and I hope we can have that."

But I don't think what you did was wrong. It sounds like she was really rude and out of line. Hopefully this will be a good reminder to her that she needs to respect people more.

[kathymuggle]

First off - a big hug and no judgement from me!

I probably would have tried (if I kept my cool - hard to do, I know!) using some effective communication techniques to stop her verbal onslaught.

Really, she just needs someone to take the wind out of her sails, and not let her get away with being verbally agressive.

EX: "yes, Ds was late. He had to go to the bathroom and it took awhile. It happens. If there is a pattern, we will adress it."

or:

"Quite frankly I did not even know there was a conference. Let's rescheduel for a time that works for both of us"

I know you said you have often been too shocked to react at the onslaught. I totally understand - this happens to me too! If it is important enough, I will seek out the person later and adress what they said.

In any event, I would not second guess the letter you wrote. Ideally, I would try to sort it out in person - but you didn't/couldn't. Not a big deal. If she wasn't being a b**ch, there would be no need for a letter in the first palce

Kathy

[rabrog]

She has shown herself to be unprofessional and rude. I would have done exactly what you did. ((Hugs))

Jenn

[rmzbm]

I think you did the right thing.

[JenBuckyfan]

I probably would've tried a face-to-face conversation first, especially if you were going to send a letter to not only her but the two levels above her. I'm not sure if the letter goes in her file, but depending on what was wrote in it, the letter could follow her for years to come (I'm not a teacher so I don't know if that is the case.) She may not have realized she has a snappy tone and just needed to be called on it, but she could be a very good teacher. People do make mistakes and she's being looked at very closely by x number of parents. I think we all made mistakes during the first year of our careers and we've all grown since then. Anyway, at least you started some conversation. Not that it's an excuse for her rudeness, but she does have to try to keep a sense of order. One child being late for a bathroom issue isn't really a problem, but if all of the kids did that once a day it could be. I like how a pp said that if it became a habitual issue you would address it. As far as the conference on Monday, maybe there was some miscommunication as to why you and the teacher didn't meet, but I do think that for a child to get the best experience in school the teacher and the parent need to be on the same page about most of what is happening there. Have you met with the teacher before and been updated on what you son is like during the day positive and negative? Maybe by not meeting for the conference she felt you weren't being supportive and in turn didn't care about what's happening there? I would definitely try to get a meeting with her to make up the conference and work to establish a better relationship with her (and her with you). It sounds like there just needs to be some communication and she needs some validation that you are supportive (which it sounds from what you've said that you are supportive of the structure of the school, etc).

[meowee]

I think you did the right thing. I am so lucky that the teachers at my kids' school fall over themselves to be nice people. I can't imagine being treated like that, especially by an inexperienced teacher. Her supervisors need to know that she is acting like this.

[Maiasaura]

thanks, mamas

in my own defense she does justify behaviors. i have said things to her before and her attitude is "well, you need to <fill in the blank>" and she has started many a sentence about ds "well, he needs to <>"
:

his counselor actually came to school for a conference one time, with me, the teacher, and her immediate supervisor. Teacher kept trying to justify her practices, and there were times when even her supervisor would say things like "have you tried X?" but you could see that she was wondering what was up, but trying to be nice about it and not accusatory. the counselor once even said "well you don't like ds, and he doesn't like you" but finished her sentence with something else, and Teacher did not refute.
Teacher said plenty of times, in that conference, things like "you mean you expect me to X?" and "well, regardless, he needs to X". she got nipped in the bud plenty of times by her supervisor and ds's counselor. it went well for us, but not so well for her, i think.

she is very....i dunno, very offensive (as in opposite of defensive-- she has put me on the defensive i dunno how many times). she had me in for a conference in ds's first week, and said very firmly (about his behavior) "i will NOT have that in MY classroom".

an interesting side note-- i did not put this in my email-- my friend has a kid in the other 1st grade classroom. turns out she missed her conference too. all she got was a kind little note in her dd's homework packet that basically said "sorry we missed you-- call when you can to reschedule. signed Mr. Teacher"

you'd think Ms. Teacher caught me smoking doob in the girls' bathroom, the way she treated me! *sigh*

pamela

[lauren]

Returned after editing. Thanks Mercyn!

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I think you did the right thing.

I agree. You are a parent and you expect your child to be in a comfortable learning atmosphere during the day.

It sounds like the teacher isn't a good fit for your child. Perhaps they could consider moving him to a more experienced teacher. I would ask about that if it keeps up. That way you could tell more about his behavior if another teacher does or doesn't have issues with your child. It may just be this teacher and the fact that she is just inexperienced or it could be that she truly can't handle your child.

[Maiasaura]

thanks, mamas. i do really appreciate the support.

boy was i stressing over that meeting. as i said, i had sent her an email, after taking like 3-4 days to compose it. i ran it by a friend to make sure i wasn't being impulsive and rude, and was as factual as i could be.

i got an email back from her, and from the supervisor. the supervisor was very professional and neutral, was obviously interested in finding a common ground from which the teacher and i could proceed with helping my ds integrate and be successful.
the teacher, however, was still defensive and belittling ("let me make one thing perfectly clear; i did NOT yell at you") and she was super angry.

so on conference day i met with the supervisor first. i explained my whole position about my hopes and expectations for this school, and how they have been dashed to the ground since day one. how the teacher has put me on the defensive every time we connect, how she treats me like a naughty child, how every time the phone rings, i cringe in negative anticipation of it being the school.

anyway, i went to the conference, and it turned out not nearly as bad as i expected-- it wasn't fun, but it wasn't all nasty and mean at all. i approached it from a position of feelings and not anger. i said that i was tired of being treated like a bad girl. i said that i wanted to be treated respectfully, and like a dignified adult deserves to be treated. she said that she has been known for being brash and blunt all her life (can we say "then maybe it's time to look at that"?). i said i can handle blunt but i can't handle belittling and shouldn't have to. she reiterated that she didn't yell, and i said that that's my experience and opinion and it can't be negated. i agreed to pay closer attention to bulletins that get sent home. they admitted that their bulletins could be more concise and that the important parts need to stand out more from the fluff.

anyway, i'm hoping that that doesn't ever have to happen again, for my child or any other down the road. that's more what i was hoping to get out of this conference-- that her behavior doesn't continue for any children or parents. i wanted her to look in the mirror. and i wanted her to know that i'm not Big Bad Mommy Enemy either.

thanks for your support, mamas!
pamela

[sarasprings]

You know, I've never met a good teacher that was controlling. I'm glad you feel okay with what happened at the meeting. Realistically, she's not going to chance unless her supervisor makes her do something differently.

[Maiasaura]

i know that, sarasprings, but i also think that the red flags are up me just having written that note, and i also sent it to the school director. even though i didn't hear a thing from *her* over it. i'm being optimistic-- what other choice do i have? it's only 2 more months till ds doesn't have to be in her class ever again, and if she acts like that towards me again...well, i don't know what i would do, but at least they are aware of it at higher than her level.

i'm not sure that i'm totally ok about the meeting, but it could have been WAY worse. i didn't even see that steely malicey (new word, lol) control in the teacher's eyes like i fully expected to (and have seen before). she actually looked somewhat open. i admit surprise there.

anyway. let's hope for the best!
pamela

[Tanibani]

Oops responded to wrong thread.