? For MW where did my birth go wrong?

[hipmummy]

Before we TTC for #2. I really need to get over the trauma of my ds's birth. I don't know who to blame if there is anyone to blame.
I had a lot of support and a great birth plan. I am a doula, I had a doula,Dh my sister and my mom has 32 of birth experience (l&D) nurse now IBCLC.
I birthed at a birth center adjacent to a hospital and was almost 41 weeks at the birth. Before going into the birth we new ds had a heart arrythemia that was most likley nothing. We had a level two ultra sound by one of the best pediatric cardio guys in the country and gave the birth center birth a go, something that some of the midwives did not agree with but we won. Or did we? We did agree to staying at the hospital after the birth so they could observe ds and give him a ekg and and a ultrasound. Originally we were goin to go home a couple hours after the birth.
9/19
The night before I walked about five miles. When I got home I was exhausted and fell asleep without eating dinner. I awoke briefly felt strange, drank some h20 and ate a hunk of wheet bread and went to bed.

At 4:30 am I thought I felt a pop and a trickle but now looking back I think it was just the rest of my mucous plug (they rest had come out the day before). My contactions started right away and were steady from the get go.
At about 8am I started to vomit this continued through out the morning. I did not have a tub and really wanted to labor inthe birth pool so we went to the birth center early (probably a big mistake but not sure). The midwife asked permission to check me as I had a leep procedure a year and a half before and had scar tissue they knew I could get stuck around two. I was three. This was at 10:30 am I got in the tub and labored felt great.
My h20 probably broke about 12 or 1pm. Then I started to into transition. I vomitted with each contraction fron that point on (mostly dry heaves)
I got out of the tub because nothing felt right and was 10 with a lip at 4. Midwife had me push and the lip was gone with no swelling by 5:30 they were ready to catch and realised it was all caput. I continued to breath ds I really never pushed until they mentioned transfering.
Around 6:45 after pushing in every possible positin they had me push on my back. Ds did start to come out. The MW had been trying to feed me all day to giv eme strength but I oculd not keep down anything. They offered me some IV fluid as I was ready to give up.
They thought my uretheral divertticulum might be obstructing ds''s passgae so they clean catch Cathed me. ARGHHAfter a half hour on fluid and three hours in Stage 2 The head MW came in and said I had gone past the time limit and that I needed pit. The Dr. on call thought I may need a cs. I did not want either. My mother who did not want to see me get any interventions looked me in the eye and said my contractions were blah and they really were not helping me she also thought ds was asynclinic as I had horrible back labor (I did receive sterile h20 papules, oh the pain, but they did work)
So they gave me twenty more minutes and they trans me and gave me pit. I really had nothing in me. I just could not get him out. After almost a hour ds finally arived no cs,no epis. no forceps or vacum, He was very blue and not breathing but alert. He was 7 pounds five ounces and had 13 3/4 head with caput like the devils tower. I had a couple tiny labia tear but no bad at all. Poor ds was in second stage so long he ahd a severe hematoma that was bleeding from the outside and sounded like a little lamb.
They whisked him away and deep suctioned because he had a stridor. His apgars were 4, 5 and 9. I was not able to hold him for eight hours or nurse him for 14. It killed me. My firts BF experience were with a pump. This was the worst part of the whole birth.
Can you please help me understand what went wrong and what I can do to prevent this again. Most people say I would have ended up with a cs if I was anyone else. The two midwives who were with me all had HB and were HB midwives in their prior lives said if I was a HB transfer I would have been cs no ?? asked. I can fill in any info if need be. Again thank you for taking the time to help me process this.

[nashvillemidwife]

First let me ask, why do you feel your birth was "wrong"? I know it's not what you planned and your breastfeeding experience was disappointing, but I can't say I'm reading that anyone necessarily did anything that made it go wrong. Where do you think these feelings are coming from?

[mwherbs]

so intractable vomiting was quite something- I would have wanted to give you an IV way sooner, don't know if it would have changed anything that happened but that would be one thing. Over all, like Nashvillemw, I am interest to see what you think , you had a successful vaginal birth that was alot of work and change in setting but who knows if it could have been any different- doesn't sound like you had a ton of interventions - with a depressed baby that needed resuscitation I don't know what else could have been done there- I would be very cautious myself with a heart problem - because a "doc" says fine doesn't really address the conditions I work in and my scope of practice it would not fall under the category of "normal"
what time was your ds born? when you were admitted at 10:30 with dilation of 3 that was the "start" of active labor and by 6:45 when you were pushing on your back (which I have had clients do) you had been in labor a little over 8 hrs so there was probably room in there for a little bit of a plateau- but with you vomiting throughout labor and already pushing for 3 hrs and "ready to give up" - that is just how birth can be it can really kick your bu-- and yet you did it, probably not how you planned and not smooth or calm or you being perky and in control but birth is just that messy and out of control, it is an altered state and not necessarily a predictable one, I don't know if you were in our care that much different would have happened--
I also think that first births because it is a new experience,have that edge of not knowing what all will happen that can add to the stress of giving birth , subsiquent births may not be the same but moms usually have an idea of what will happen to their bodies --- I don't think that if you have another pregnancy it will be the same experience because you have already given birth and if there are things that you want to do differently you probably will

[Mamabeakley]

I think that probably more than someone to blame, you need to find someone to listen to how you feel. If you feel that things were wrong, that certain people did things that made you feel uncomfortable, angry, unhappy, betrayed, whatever, those are your feelings and they are valid. What you choose to do with the feelings is something to think about after you know what those feelings are. Maybe you'll choose a different birth place for next time. Maybe you'll choose different attendants, or no attendants. Maybe you'll choose to go the same place with the same people with different expectations. But first figure out the feelings and let yourself feel them all the way through, hopefully with a supportive listener.

[nimblemama]

My friend had a slightly similar birth. She labored for 42 hours, very weak due to lack of fluids/food, she pushed for several hours and finally had to get on her back on her living room floor so that the midwife could help get him out, and then his head was very caput. He ended up with GBS and was NICU for 11 days and she hemorrhaged and was sent to the hospital, too.

Of course, no one will ever know what caused your concerns with your birthing experience. Birth is unpredictable and it is very wise to go into it accepting that fact. There may have been physical issues on your part or baby's postioning may have contibuted to the problems. The vomiting did not help you any and having an IV may have kept up your strength. Psycological dystocia may have even been involved. First births are difficult and hopefully other births may go much smoother.

It is important to work through your feelings and experiences. It is important to spiritually heal before giving birth again. Talk with a trusted doula/CBE/midwife or friend. You may search for some books or websites that help you work through your birth trauma.

[hipmummy]

Thank you to those that have resonded. I do not know why I cannot let this go? I feel it had to do with where I ended up birthing ds. My first choice was an HB and dh and i settled in the birthcenter. I did not want to be in a hospital and I did not want pit or and IV for obviuos reasons The IV fuids were not an option.. I always wonder if the pit was truly needed or if it caused any issues in ds or if the. Somehow I still feel likethe midwives let me down. Am I just being ridiculous or is it the after birth experience and I am focusing too much on the birth part of it?

[hipmummy]

[quote=mwherbs;10792728]what time was your ds born? when you were admitted at 10:30 with dilation of 3 that was the "start" of active labor and by 6:45 when you were pushing on your back (which I have had clients do) you had been in labor a little over 8 hrs so there was probably room in there for a little bit qoute]


he was born at 8:32 pm total labortime 16 hours 4 of which were 2nd stage

[tlcdoula]

Originally Posted by hipmummy

Somehow I still feel likethe midwives let me down. Am I just being ridiculous or is it the after birth experience and I am focusing too much on the birth part of it?

Why do you feel they let you down? I think it is important to remember that birth isn't an absolute and just because we want something badly enough doesn't always mean it will go that way.

[wendy1221]

: I can understand how the change in location could upset you. When we're in labor, we want to remain in our chosen "safe place." You chose to give birth at the center, so moving to the hospital was leaving your safe place where you were planning on the baby being born. I also agree that you puking and not being able to eat or drink may have really made you feel worse. I have never felt like eating w/ any of my labors. Ds1's labor was so short, it wasn't a problem, but I also puked a lot during that labor. W/ ds2, I stalled out at 9cm for several hours (got to 9 in 1.5 hours, then nothing for 5 hours, still contracting) but my OB brought me Sprite and fruit juice several times. My longest labor was ds3, and although I said I didn't want food, when my mw or sister set it next to me, the smell made me hungry, and I ate it anyway. I imagine his birth would have been much much harder if I they hadn't brought me food anyway. Laboring really is very hard work, and uses a lot of energy.

[hipmummy]

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

Why do you feel they let you down? I think it is important to remember that birth isn't an absolute and just because we want something badly enough doesn't always mean it will go that way.

I think it was because they didn't advocate for my being able to hold or feed ds. Which I feel is connected to the whole process. Part of me says they are human and they too were tired as one was 7 months pg and had been there since 8am. And the other one rarely does hospital births so she was out of her element. I have to say the best team member through it all even though I was only with her 3 hour was the l&d nurse. She had had a bad birth experience 30 weeker etc big hospital birth transfer etc.