dd's new thing - telling me she isn't my friend, how to react?

[mamatosaskia]

Hi,

For about the past month or so, my almost four year od dd will regularly get upset at me (usually with no visible provocation) and start telling me things like - "I'm not your friend", "I'm sad and I don't like you" or "I love Papa and not you." My feelings aren't hurt by these statements, in part because I think part of it is her understanding that she can have different feelings. I also figure that I am one of the safest people in her life for her to talk to like this.

Here is the thing: I still think I need to teach her about respect and how to talk respectfully to other people. I also don't know how I am supposed to respond to her. Do I say "that is ok, I love you no matter what?" Do I ignore it (not always possible because she will repeat herself until I respond"....as you can see I am clueless.

So, what sage advice can you pass along to me??

Thanks in advance!

Jacqueline

[4evermom]

If there was no obvious reason, I'd probably just say ok. If she were saying it because she was upset about something I might say something empathetic like "you're really upset I can't take you to the playground now." That does two things, makes her feel understood and gives her other options for wording things in the future. Personally, I wouldn't worry about the respect thing, especially at that age and talking to me. But I might think she is feeling that she needs more time connecting with me and try to do things with her more, read stories snuggled together, etc. In my case, this would mean not saying "just a minute" so much, lol.

[Jennyfur]

Personally, I'm big on respect too, and I don't find her comments to be disrespectful. To the contrary, I find her to be quite mature in her ability to express her emotions. And she obviously feels safe in telling you how she feels.

If one of my kids spoke to me at a young age in a way that was clearly disrespectful or snotty, I generally calmly said that the behavior was inappropriate and went on about my business. If the disrespect continued, I made it clear it needed to stop or there would be some repercussions.

[philomom]

I am "friendly" with my kids but not their friend. They need friends other than me to complete their lives. Try not to take it personal.

[abi&ben'smom]

Definately don't take it personally. My dd says these things to me occasionally (less now that she is 6), and I just say "well, I still love you". Sometimes she just wants my attention, and sometimes she just needs a snack!

[mamatosaskia]

Hi,

Thanks for your comments. I don't take what she says personally, not at all! I just want to be sure I am modelling behavior so that her friends or people around her don't take it personally, kwim?

We had a conversation this morning about how saying words like that can be hurtful to friends. I see it as withholding love, in a way. I know that she is young, but she can also understand the impact of her actions. For example, at her preschool they have done a lot of work on the concept of respect. If a friend touches her or hits her she has been told to ask them not to touch her and that they need to respect her body. I figure if she can grasp that, she can start to see that words can also hurt.

I can handle a 3.5 year old telling me she doens't like me. Heck, she doesn't like bananas some days and other days she LOVES them. But, to another little person who is developing his or her own sense of self, I think that being told that someone doesn't like you can be hurtful.

Anyway, I am rambling! The conversation that we had this morning was good. We talked about how it would make her feel if her best little friend Kathy told her that she didn't like her, and she said it would make her sad. So, baby steps I suppose!

My dd is a really great little person, I admire the person she is developing into.

Thanks again!

Jacqueline

[nancy926]

It's good that she trusts you enough to say those things, yk?

It's one thing to teach kids about talking to other people with respect...but then what do they do with all of those big feelings? What if she's feeling right then as if she truly doesn't like you? Is she supposed to pretend that's not true? I guess I would rather here unfettered honesty from a 4-year-old than have her cover up what she's feeling b/c she's afraid of how someone else will feel. Telling her that her words "make you sad" may set her up for always feeling responsible for someone else's feelings -- or, on the flip side, making other people responsible for her reactions. It seems sometimes that my DD blames others for her own reactions - so someone will say something and it makes her mad, but it's the other person's "fault," like whatever she does after that has nothing to do with her.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself well.

Anyway...my advice would be to tell her that it seems like she is having some very strong angry feelings, and that is just fine, and that even if she doesn't love you right then, you still love her.

[claras_mom]

Dh and I react different ways at different times when dd (39 months) says this to us (or the variation - "you're not going to my party.")

Sometimes I say something like - "I know you're mad. But you know, you can be mad at someone and still be their friend."

Sometimes we give her a variation on "we're your parents, and we love you no matter what"

Sometimes we talk about feelings, and how people feel if you say things like that. She's still a little young to completely get it, so that's a slow careful road after the immediate storm has passed.

One of the things I've learned about myself as I've been a parent is that growing up, I didn't learn how to be angry. I suppose I was encouraged on some level to bottle up those feelings, to be "good" and "respectful". I want something different for Clara, so I'm not going to stifle her being mad, just try to guide her in channeling it appropriately.

[CallMeMommy]

DS pulls that with me, too. I admit, in a fit of frustration I once told him "I'm not your friend, I'm your mom", so now when he's REALLY upset he'll say "You're not my mom anymore!" : I do like the suggestion of validating why they're angry, I'm going to start doing that more.

[4evermom]

One time ds told me I was the worst mom he ever had which made me laugh because it was so true.

The best, the worst, the only.

[rainy32]

hi! My 3 1/2 year old ds has been saying that to me often "You're not my best friend anymore!" with a grunt or an "Umph" for emphasis and a scowling face.

My response depends on the context.

Sometimes, he says it for reasons that I could fix (I said no to another cookie but he's still hungry; I'm tired of playing the pretend game we've been playing, and want to switch gears). So I'll say, "I'm sorry that you're upset with me right now - I'm just not willing to play that anymore. Is there anything I can do to help us out of this conflict?"

Sometimes, when its a dealbreaker situation that he's responding to, like not getting in his car seat, or being safe with the dog, I'll say "Wyatt, I'm not your best friend - I'm your mommy, and on this issue we cant' compromise."

Often, I'll just give a gentle smile and say, "I love you!"

[Demeter9]

I say, "That's okay. I am your Mom. I love you anyways."

This seems to work fine for any similar outburst. I hate you. I don't love you anymore. I'm never going to play with you. etc. Even when they are ragingly upset, this seems to ease their difficulty a bit. That they can be REALLY upset and it doesn't matter at the core.

[sbgrace]

One of my boys has been doing this. I hear a lot of I don't like you. I only love daddy, etc. I'm not sure what is behind it (it goes both ways at times in that he'll say he only loves me). I guess he's trying out for reactions. I generally say Well, I always will love you no matter what or point out that I can love him, his brother, and his daddy at the same time.

[mamazee]

She's probably just telling you to test the whole "unconditional love" thing, IMO. I wouldn't worry about her telling anyone else because they tend to say this kind of thing just to the moms, and sometimes the dads, from what I've seen.